HELP, Terrible 2'S Was Nothing Compared to Being 3 - Centreville,VA

I've always felt that 3 is a lot harder than 2. My oldest is 4 now but one thing that helped him in the 3's was to have a chair that we sometimes called the "Crying Chair." If he was upset about something, whether it was a whiney or angry upset, I told him it was okay to cry and be upset, but he had to go sit in the crying chair until he calmed down or stopped. He sometimes played with it and would fake cry about nothing and insist on going to chair, but other times I think it helped him feel that it was okay to be upset and irrational (they are learning self-control at these ages and cannot be expected to just have it) but he knew he had to go "lose it" in that place. It also kept him out of trouble and helped him focus on calming down rather than other things. He still loses it sometimes (he has a little brother and they both lose it) and I haven't used the chair that way for a while, but it does take consistency, not being afraid to leave him alone (make sure his room is safe--my kids have managed to find everything we didn't think of to get into when left in their room), and try to keep calm yourself. I will sometimes just tell my oldest that I simply cannot talk to him right now until he calms down or it is going to make me upset, too, and then we can't talk. It does pass eventually, but I'm still in it sometimes.

Oh, my oldest also started doing better when I looked more closely at his sleeping patterns. He was not getting enough sleep between his very short naps (they were a major struggle) and I found he slept better and got all his needed hours at night when I stopped pushing the naps in the afternoons. His moods and emotions improved a LOT when he was definitely getting more sleep. When he hits a growth spurt he also has more "outbursts" and gets more tired and moody more easily.

K.,
Three is absolutely worse than 2 and 4 is no picnic... but your child is normal. I would highly recommend the book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.

While your child is normal and this is a reasonable developmental stage, it is really important to make sure clear boundaries are in place and you are dealing with the emotions behind the tantrums/episodes now. It helps so much when they do get older. In my opinion, when you don't do the work in these early stages, you end up with a handful later. Be patient and consistent. It's worth it.

Good luck!

You can help him with his communication and understanding. 3 year olds are becoming more independent yet they are still needy, so helping guide him on figuring it out will help.

Dr. Sears has great advice for this! especially, scroll down to 'bothersome behavior" to read the tantrum topic.

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

I know how you feel!! Like sometimes I think I might actually go crazy if I have to see one more emotional outburst or one more breakdown into tears or listen to any more whining. You know what is helping me sooooo much is just hanging out with moms of kids my age. I finally, after years of debating, joined a MOPS(mothers of preschoolers group). Man, it was like 2.5hrs and felt like 20 min. Just knowing I am not alone in what I deal with and getting some great ideas on how to train my child and raise him effectively was wonderful. I almost feel like a whole new mama. Just hearing the struggles of other moms of the 2-4 year old range really helped me, it was so validating. Like it is normal to struggle with raising a preschooler and normal to need some help figuring out how to do it! So anyway, what I am doing this week is just inviting my son to read with me a little bit more than normal. When the baby is down I am just saying "hey, let's read a book, go pick one" His face absolutely lights up when I engage him first, it is amazing. Now it doesn't like fix all the breakdowns or anything, but it is giving us a chance to connect and he seems to just suck it right in. He told me last night "Mom I am having so much fun with you!" It was so sweet :) So that is this week. Just setting aside a few moments to pursue him. Good luck, you are sooooo not alone and I highly suggest looking into a mops group, it is not about making us feel like we have to have paint sessions all day and be our childs #1 playmate and never accomplish anything, but more about how to cope with life and find ways to raise your children according to the person you are. I wish you the best!! And be validated, 3 is hard!!!!!

Dont get scared, 4 y/o yelling shut up and I hate you to parents is NOT normal! Just try to keep your cool, and if all possible ignore it. Be consistant with disipline, and PLEASE do not give into him when hes acting this way. He should never feel like this is how he gets his way. I always send my daughter to her room while shes having tantrums and tell her she can come out when she wants to act normal.. She goes to her room and hashes it out herself, and then walks out like nothing happened! Crazy kids! Good luck, the transition from 2 to 3 is a difficult one. I remember thinking WTH!?!?!

loveandlogic.com

I have the program for teens---wish I had found this about 10 years ago.

I thought the 2's was easy---the 3's about did me in!!!
You are not alone.

Check out the books, or the CD's (if in the car a lot) and the info is great!

I thought I had it easy because my son never really went through the terrible 2's, but he's definitely making up for it in his 3's! My mom tells me to just wait until he hits 4. She calls it the "fuckin' fours". I know exactly what you are going through, I'm right there with you. One thing that has helped is a reward chart. We have the rules written down and if he follows the rules then he gets a sticker. If he gets 5 stickers at the end of the week, then he gets to get a new toy or go to Chuck E Cheese's. If he gets 4 stickers, he gets to go get ice cream, and at the end of the month, if he earned 18 stickers then he gets to go to Monster Trucks. He will usually stop whining/crying if I tell him he's not going to get a sticker if he keeps it up. but there are still some days where I just have to send him to his room for a time out. and then there are those days where I have to send myself to my room for my own little time out :) good Luck!

wai till four.....then its "shutup mommy" "i hate you" while slamming the door in your face.
Your son is very sensitive. Maybe pick up a few books on this subject. I am too dealing with my 4 year old child who is very over emotional. then when I think back to my child, I was pretty darn sensitive myself and still am to a degree.

Totally normal. I think 3s are worse than 2s. We just tell our daughter to "use your words" and she's now almost 4 and she has gotten a lot better. That still doesn't mean she doesn't have meltdowns because she still does. I usually just bring her in her room to calm down and she will eventually calm down. Good luck!

Aah... I called them the terrible "T's"... just starts with two... wait 'til they're THREE!" Na, you are not alone. Now is a good time to introduce a sticker chart and reward system. Write down three house rules. We used:

1. No mad crying
2. Use please and thank you
3. Follow directions the first time

Have him choose an end of the day reward and write it down on something that can be posted on the refridgerator... construction paper or typing paper is fine because you will making a new one each day. It's important to teach the rules daily... draw some places on it to put stickers. Then let him "sign" it. You sign your name too... start small so he can earn enough stickers to fill the spaces. Read the rules with him and explain that if he can earn enough stickers to fill up the chart he can earn his prize...Set a kitchen timer for 20min the first time. If he goes the twenty minutes following the rules then he can earn a sticker for his chart... next time go longer... 30min.... then 50... etc. Try to get it down to about 10 opportunities in a day... You can offer a bonus or makeup stickers for good behavior in the grocery store or for doing a particilar task... however, never take a sticker off. A boss cant generally take away money already earned.... as a safety net I put a bunch of spaces on the first chart... you can always give more chances at the end of the day if you need to fill it up.

I always womder though when they start being all of a sudden weepy, if he is maybe not feeling well. Could he be cutting molars maybe? Is he constipated and just feels "icky"... try a little Tylenol or Ibuprophen when he gets up and with lunch... if he is better after the Tylenol then mabe he feels bad and thats why he is acting out.

Yes, I think the terrible 2's is a misnomer. Most Moms including myself with sensitive and/or very active sons that I know agree that the tough years are 3 and 4. So, you aren't alone. He'll get better as he's able to express himself more. I think the key is just consistently encouraging him to use his words to express himself. It will click in, but maybe not for a few months. Someone told me once that boys release hormones at about this age. So, given his developmental stage plus his added emotions, he can't really control how he feels, but he will. My son is now 9 -- how did I get him through tantrums? We just lived through them basically until he got better, except for a couple of things. NEVER reward the tantrum -- as in -- here have some ice cream and stop crying. Kids will very quickly realize that crying results in ice cream or candy or watching TV or whatever reward you give them. Spanking or outright punishing never worked for my son and tantrums. He has to learn to control his emotions and your emotions spiraling out of control only contributes to his emotions. What we did with my son was a hard and fast rule -- no matter where we were, if he threw a tantrum, we would put him in the car and take him back to his room where he stayed until he completely go a hold of himself and the day could continue. Or, if that was impossible, he just had to be somewhere quiet and without possibility of fun or reward until he got a hold of himself. It worked to a degree. What really worked was that he grew up, but he had the model that emotions are managed by calming down and waiting them out -- not eating, for example. He is still a very intense person. That is wonderful. He is intensely loving and passionate about the things he cares about. That is part of his personality. It sounds like your son will always be very sensitive. Keep your eyes on the prize. As much as you dislike the crying fits, they are evidence of a part of his wonderful personality. One other thing, I would advise is this -- the tendency to tantrum or cry a lot has more to do with your individual child than any failure in parenting. There are children who are laid back and easy going -- never had a tantrum, never cried continuously more than a few minutes. Some of their parents may judge you for your child's behavior. Try to chalk it up to their not understanding and let their looks and criticisms roll off your back. You are there for your kid -- he's yours, he's great. That's all that matters. I know that this is true about kids -- because I have a son who threw spectacular tantrums and a daughter who has never had a real tantrum. It's not me who is completely different -- it's them.

oh K., do I feel your pain. You are fortunate that your guy DOES have good verbal skills. The problem is that even with good verbal skills, at his age he doesn't have the ability to name his distress for you and this is completely within normal development. I had similar issues with my son. He's still quite emotional at 14 (tomorrow!), but has a much better ability to convey what's going on now. However, I do still help him with suggestion #3 below when he's having trouble figuring out on his own.

So now that I've empathized with you, my suggestions to help you:
1. There are books that show facial expressions and name the emotion. Get one and read it to him at book time periodically. I totally loved the book by Janan Cain "The Way I Feel." Her illustrations are awesome and it's age appropriate for where your boy is now. She also has a book "The Way I Act". I haven't read it, but can only imagine it's great as well.

2. There are posters that show similar face/emotion expressions and name them. Try pointing it out to him when you see him close to a meltdown.

3. Help him name his emotion if you can guess what he's feeling, ie, his favorite stuffed animal just fell in the mud, empathize with him and offer emotions that he might be feeling. "Aw, that's so sad that bear got all muddy! I bet you're frustrated that you accidentally dropped him in the puddle. You're probably mad at yourself, too. It's okay, tho. We can clean him up! Come on, let's go do that."

I know it's hard to be calm when you know a storm is coming, but often, it can help take a class 5 hurricane and minimize it to a summer rain. I learned this the hard way. Wish I could have learned it earlier. Good luck and God bless you!
J.