When and How Should Be Be Disciplining?

"Discipline" is not a concept that's applicable to babies. And his "melt-downs" are not "tantrums" until he is old enough to have at least some control over his own actions, say at 3 or 4. Fifteen month olds don't "test" their parents' limits like 3 and 4 year olds often do. Babies are completely upfront, and they don't have hidden agendas--when he's laughing, it's because he's happy, and when he's crying, it's because he's unhappy about something. Don't stop picking him up when he cries--- that will just make him feel abandoned. Some babies cry a lot, and you may never know what's making him cry, so you should focus on figuring out how to soothe him. Have you tried a wind-up baby swing?

As for books, everyone has their favorites-- the more of them you read, the better. You can pick and choose and figure out whose advice you like best on any given subject. You might want to check out Penelope Leach's books, or Dr. Brazelton's, or, good old Dr. Benjamin Spock, who had a hand in raising most of us baby boomers.

One of my personal all-time favorite parenting books is a lovely old book called The Magic Years, by Selma Fraiberg. She doesn't give a lot of parenting advice, but she explains so beautifully the developmental stages young children go through. And to me, the point in reading parenting books is not to follow any one "expert's" advice, but to see what a wide variety of approaches there are to any given problem, and to select the approach you think will work best for you (or to use your own approach, if you don't agree with the "experts"), once you have a better understanding of why kids do what they do. Good luck!

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A fifteen month old can have tantrums. The reasons may or may not be evident to you. My advise in dealing with them is to be constantly aware so that if you see a good reason for the tantrum, and can address that reason, you will do so.
Have a place in your home that is designated as a spot where your son can go during the tantrum until he has calmed down. I find in our home that the hallway to the bedrooms works fine, because it is free of things that distract or that could be dangerous to the child. It also puts the child in a space where he can be alone to get over the tantrum (this is important because we do childcare and have other children around).

When you are outdoors and a tantrum starts, you may have to choose a designated spot according to where you are, and you may need several different spots, because it sounds like your property is rather large. Just be sure that wherever you choose to have your son finish his tantrum is as safe as possible and gives him the space to be alone enough that he can begin to learn self-control. When his tantrum is finished be sure you have some good together time with him. Depending on situations, you may want to talk quietly with him about what caused the tantrum, or you may just want to love him and go on with your routine.

I find it is also helpful to compare what is going on with the little lives to how I sometimes feel. I don't think I'm all that unusual that as an adult I sometimes feel happy one minute and angry or sad the next. The difference is that as an adult I'm supposed to have learned how to deal with my emotions and the little guys are just beginning to learn that. (And let's be honest... we adults who are supposed to have learned how to deal with our emotions don't always do such a good job of it either!)

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Hi G.. I agree with whoever said that young toddlers CAN have tantrums! My brother-in-law told me the same thing as a few people told you--that my son isn't old enough to be having tantrums...but I'll tell you right now, he's full of baloney. :-) My son is 18 months old, and he started throwing fits several months ago. We first saw it at about 9 months, when he's plop down on the floor and start kicking and screaming when something would frustrate him, and by 15 months, he definitely was having tantrums. When we tell him no or when something frustrates him, he will look around for a place to throw himself on the ground and go into all the dramatics of an older child's tantrum--hitting, kicking, spitting, screaming. Is it early for this to start? Maybe--this is my first child, so I'm not sure what's considered "normal." Do I think it is indeed a tantrum? Absolutely. He's a wonderful, sweet little boy until something doesn't go his way, and then he turns into Mr. Hyde. :-)

That said, we've recently had a lot of luck following the advice of Dr. Karp in his book Happiest Toddler on the Block. He talks a lot about connecting with your toddler with respect and recognizing their feelings, even if you have no intention of giving in to whatever your child is demanding. And at first I thought, "Hmmm, I'm not sure my son is old enough to 'get' this. It sounds a little advanced." But sure enough, he does. Nine times out of ten, if I try the suggestions in Dr. Karp's book, it stops the tantrum and seems to calm my son. (Admittedly, I feel a little silly doing some of the strategy--Dr. Karp teaches you how to speak "Toddler-ese," which is basically using short, simple phrases that your young toddler can understand, since they're too young to understand or even pay attention to long explanations. Sometimes you feel a little silly speaking like a toddler, but hey...it works!)

So give it a try--I'm sure no strategy works for every kid, but it worked very well for my 18-month-old, and life has been a lot easier ever since! We're having far fewer tantrums, and that makes all of us a lot happier.

Hi. It sounds like your little one might be over-tired. At least he sounds a lot like mine at that age. I found a book 'happy child, healthy sleep habits' at that time and it really helped. Children don't start testing until much later, as far as I know. Like age 3 or 4. And they don't understand certain types of discipline until later too so they do not help at that age. Try working on his sleep - amount and quality - and see what happens. Good luck!

one more thing - i think putting him in a room alone is not a good idea. it will make him more upset and hurt. He is not capable of understanding what you are doing at that age. Too young for that, and crying it out is never a good idea. Soothing him and trying to discover why he is upset is a great idea.

The book 1-2-3 Magic is great.

Hi G.,

Senya is so right (don't know her, but really respected her advice) and yes, everyone else who said 'he's a baby'. Mine were both Jekal/Hyde at that age (and my 16 mo. old still is, of course...and wait, so is my 3 1/2 year old too!). So normal, and my husband and I often use that exact term. Be as loving and patient as you can be and remember he needs all the help he can get in figuring this world out.

I love the "Love and Logic" series by Dr. Charles Fay. You'll really learn how to lovingly support him while not being rewarding with negative behavior and while gently helping him to learn what gets him the positive attention he wants.

Good luck! And yes, you will "completely loose your mind" some days...I know I do!

What your are doing IS discipline. And yes, what he's doing is normal.

The best discipline is to reward the positive (engage when he's happy and well-behaved), and ignore the negative (don't engage, as you are doing). You don't need to punish, and definitely should not punish at this age.

Hi there,

So hard, isn't it!? I remember out little one seemed to change from a sweet, cooperative little darling to a being so difficult and willful at about that age. I think it's just a developmental thing. I found that giving more love and attention instead of fighting her worked best. They are so little, with all these emotions and they can't control them yet. Just think how we, as adults, aren't always successful at controlling how upset or frustrated we get. And they are just learning. At the same time, they are still so little an need to be held and snuggled. Not an easy time for parents, especially when the attitude change comes on so suddenly. But sounds normal to me. Just requires a LOT of patience. I have found that disciplining at this age is not helpful and only makes everyone more upset.

Good luck!

H.

Raising Your Spirited Child Rev Ed: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, M.A.

Best book I ever read, helped me so much with my daughter. Basically what I have to do for her is avoid melt downs... make sure she eats healthy food at appropriate times, warn her in advance of changes to schedule, and make sure she gets enough sleep. Your son may be different, but this book was a life saver for me.

Best of luck, C.

Dear G.:

How verbal is your little boy? What is he trying to tell you when he cries? What is your response if you refuse to pick him up any more? What is he frustrated about?

What sets off these tantrums? It sounds like a lot more understanding of what is behind this erratic behavior is in order. Has anything else in your lives changed recently in conjunction with this change in your baby's behavior? Penelope Leach wrote some good books. I forget the titles. Dr Sears books are very helpful. There used to be such good baby care shows on the LIfetime Channel but think they have all gone away. I a sure that some new mothers will come up with titles and isbn numbers because they will have well worn copies.

Good luck with adjusting to living on several acres with livestock . Sounds like and idylic setting in today's world, but perhaps a little lacking in support from other young parents. Bet of luck in your own adjustment and in helping your precious little boy. Cuddling and holding and reassuring seem to me to always be a good idea as long as he will accept it. It does not necessarily indicate you approve of his behavior. Only that he can never do anything to lose your love and support. Blessings on your family.

N.

Totally normal. Meltdowns are a normal part of toddlerhood - frustrating as it is to the parents! And it doesn't stop anytime soon. My son is three and a half and can still be Jekyll and Hyde every day. WHatever discipline you decide on, be consistant and stick with it. Both you and your husband. Same action gets the same response from either one of you. He is just starting the independent stage and it lasts quite awhile!

Hi G.,
People who say that toddlers don't have tantrums never met my youngest! =) The "typical" toddler may not have tantrums, but there are some precocious kids who DO have tantrums at this age. Generally these babies are highly intelligent, and their motor skills and verbal skills haven't caught up with what their bright little minds want to do. This causes frustration, and before you know it, some seemingly small issue causes a major tantrum.

That being said, your son isn't doing anything wrong. He is just very frustrated, and as we all know, sometimes a good cry is what a person needs to get past this. I think you're correct in not engaging with him too much when he's in a full-blown tantrum; the last thing I want when I'm mad is for someone to hover over me. What I'd do with my girls when they'd get into a tantrum would be to take them to their room and tell them, "I can see you're upset. You can sit right here until you're feeling better." And then leave for a minute or two. Once he has gotten some of the frustration out, he'll feel better and you can give him a hug.

What you're doing when you do this is not abandoning him. You are acknowledging his feelings, and you are allowing him a minute to get hold of himself. As parents, it's not our job to smother our kids or make them happy every second of every day - we have to teach them how to handle frustration and allow them a good cry when they need it (and until he's about 3, it will many times a day every day - sorry, but it's true!). The only thing you can do to reduce the tantrums is to try and arrange your home and life so you don't have to say "no" constantly. But he will still experience frustration. That's just life. But the bright side is, at some point he'll realize that when he's getting mad and frustrated, he'll take himself off to his room and will calm down - you will have given him this strategy to manage his behavior. And that's a good thing!

Hang in there, mama! =)

Hi G.- He is a baby. You cannot punish him into not expressing himself. He doesn't have a lot of ways of getting what he needs and wants so he uses emotion to make his point, a very natural and normal thing for a kid his age. I bet his displays of joy and happiness are just as intense, just more enjoyable to everyone else. There are lots of books on child development that will discuss this, check out your local library. I agree that a routine can be very helpful at this age so he knows what's coming. Also don't underestimate his understanding of what you say. He may not be talking much yet but I bet he understands very well. Talk to him about what's going to happen, give him time and a heads up about transitions from one thing to the next. Choices that aren't really choices also work well at this age. Let him pick between two acceptable alternatives when it comes to snacks, clothing and activities. Of course the almighty distraction is an essential tool at this age. Finally, while you don't want to give bad behavior a lot of attention don't forget the power of a hug and some love, he is still very young and at this age is not really capable of testing limits like an older child will. Good luck and enjoy our baby!

Maria is on it! Blood sugar can definitely cause it. Also low vit B stores.(use vit b complex drops under the tounge 2 x a day) and magnesium deficiency can cause aggitation.
This deficiency is more prevalent now that ever in America because they use high amounts or potassium on crops as a fertilizer- which depletes the magnesium in the soil.

You can increase magnesium by putting a cup of epsom salt in a warm bath. Soaking in it for a half hour will give the body magnesium.

My son did the exact same thing at this age. Its super frustrating but passes pretty quickly. I think they can't communicate very well and sometimes move very well and get really upset. We also found he wasn't eating enough and that helped. Hang in there, it gets better.

I really like the book "Becoming the Parent You Want to Be" by Laura Davis and Janis Kyser it has a lot of child development research and has helpful ideas for discipline and just what is normal for kids. Sounds like your toddler is normal, it may be that he needs you to repeat what his needs are kids this age get really frustrated when they do not feel like they are being understood. Which is a lesson I learned from the book, "The Happiest Toddler on The Block" -a good book too.

G.,
Get "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Dr. Harvey Karp. See if you can find the DVD.
His techniques are amazing and they work.
Good luck and take care - J.

I have a teacher friend who is a true master at distracting kids---they have pretty short attention spans! A new feeling, sound, sight, or thought can wipe out whatever came before...
Give this a try to keep the Mr. Hyde sessions brief...just make sure that it isn't "rewarding" just distracting.
Also...lots of sleep. = )

G.,

Many feel if one is able to stay at home and raise their children, they are very fortunate.

I feel there are different kinds of mothers and one isn’t necessarily better then the other:

· Full time stay at home mothers
· Part time stay at home mothers
· Working mothers
Single mothers

I refuse to refer to a stay at home mom, as a (SAHM), It looks and sounds too much like SHAM or SCAM to me). All moms have full-time jobs whether they are working away from home or staying home. Some are blessed with a husband or father who is actively participating in the raising of their children. Some are not.

If your 15 month old child is driving you crazy and you can’t figure out what is wrong, personally, I WOULD pick him up more, especially during the day and try to calm and comfort him. Having said that I would also try to establish a regular schedule:

· Eating
· Naptime
· Playtime
· Bathing (I find that a warm bath just before bed and the last bottle or feeding really helps get baby to sleep faster...no playing or jostling around near bed time).
· Bedtime (set time all the time)

In your words: “One minute he's happy and laughing the next he is having a total melt down”.

Sounds like my former husband! (A little levity never hurt.)

You may be one of those mothers that will be a better parent when working/spending time away from home, either with a job, volunteering, or just getting in some “me time”.

As for dad, he should be patient. If you think a 15 month old can drive you crazy, wait til he’s 15 years old and chomping at the bit for a learner’s permit and a car!

Blessings…..

Hi G.,
We went through something similar with our son. From happy to terrible tamtrums and melt downs and we did not know why. After talking to his pediatrician and describing the problem he told us that it was probably low blood sugar, that we needed to give him some protein every 2 to 3 hours. It is not diabetes or anything like that. His system just works like that. He is 13 now and still needs to eat every 3 hours, and if he doesn't his mood changes completely, he will be disrespectful, mad, negative and a total pain. As soon as he eats, he is fine! He does not feel hungry but he needs food! Hope this helps.

First look at sleep and diet. Children this age need a great deal of sleep- 1-2 naps of at least 45 mins and about 11-12 hours at night. A tired child will have a much harder time playing, listening, and will generally have more tantrums. Diet is also important-if he is eating mostly carbs, he could be sugar crashing. Make sure that he gets a little cheese with fruit or crackers or some boiled egg. This will help avoid crashing.

These steps won't avoid all problems, but may really help.

Also, you can start having him take a break when he is having a tantrum. We put our little boy in his room (door open) in the rocking chair and tell him he can come find us when he is ready to be around people again. Around 20 mos we started using TO. Sometimes it takes a couple times (are you ready to put on your shoes or do you need more time out?).

The important thing is to be firm and consistent - never threaten without following up. Always enforce a rule. Otherwise he will test it more. Always follow time out with a hug. If you find yourself getting mad, say so.