Dear Mama's & Papa's,
Honestly, I have a sociopathic sister, one year older, and I just learned that she will be attending the same family camp with me, my younger sister and both of our families. There will be 12 of us.
We have successfully avoided being at the same camp with my psycho sister for the last 5 years or so. This summer my husband is a speaker and we cannot back out now. The camp's cabin assigning director, who knows our history, was out when my sister called in for a spot. (A noteworthy side note: we are attending a Medical/Dental camp, and my sister is divorced from her doctor husband, so really should not be attending, but is 'grandfathered' in due to years of going).
The root of our problems is that my older sister has sued several members of the family. She sued both my younger sister and I over money hidden for her during her divorce. . Essentially, she is worth at least $10M and always claims to have nothing. She went through a horrible divorce during which time my husband and I put her and her 3 daughters and dog up for several months in our home. We never charged them to live with us. Her husband was hiding money in off-shore accounts and my husband spent countless hours finding all the bank records on old computers. Embarrassing to admit, but I then hid $$ for my sister, as it paled in comparison to what the ex was hiding. Not my most stellar decision. However, everyone in the family was 'hiding' money for her. Later she claimed we all borrowed money, when in fact we were all coerced to hide money for her. Clearly, there is a long and sordid history with a manipulative and coercive woman here. I could write a book.
Fast foward, she has 3 daughters, all of whom were removed from her custody several years ago and placed in boarding schools. My younger sister and I have continued to 'mother' these girls as best we can. We have always included them on family vacations, ski trips, they continue to spend summers with us, etc. And we have always payed their way.
So, I cannot stop my sister from attending this summe camp. It's open to the public.. But I honestly need verbal ammunition to minimize contact with her. Being around her is like riding the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland. She pops up out of nowhere and surprises people with her presence and weasels her way into what everyone else has planned. She's very manic and runs around the camp non-stop. It's rather freaky.
Both my husband and younger sister are pissed about her being let in. My approach is to write her a simple email and be prepared with a few simple responses.
What do you think about the following? Please add to it....
Dear Sister,
I just learned that you will be attending the same week of camp as my family. Since my husband is the key note speaker, it is not possible for us to cancel, otherwise, we would.
We are not keen on being around you for a week. I do not foresee this week a reunion with you, but rather a week of trying to avoid you. Please do not sign up for the same class times with us. Please do not sign us up for KP together. And I truly hope you can find another family to sit with during meals.
I am sorry for writing you such a harsh request. I do not wish to have any drama caused by you during out family time at camp. How odd that it is a Christian camp? I will pray for your peace and your distance.
Your sister.
Theresa, like I mentioned, it's impossible to ignore her. She'll pop up and insert herself into everything. Where we dine. The classes we take. Where we sit at the campfire. I hadn't thought of it as me inviting the drama though. So I'll have to chew on that.
One question, when you ignore someone, and they are sitting right next to you, putting their arm around you, would you just get up and move? Or stay put and be silent?
As always - WOW - you all are fantastic!!! OK, I will not send the email....
It's hard when in the midst of it all to step out and know what the right thing to do is. Dysfunction begets dysfunction. That's why this site is so helpful for people like me who are born into bizarre families and we don't know the right way out of a situation.
Like the ignoring her advice.... Most normal people would take a hint after awhile. Not my crazy sister. She would interpret my silence as condoning of her, even welcoming. She would say later, well I didn't say anything. She will use anything I say and do against me.
Well, I still plan on going and I plan on practicing my new 'ignoring' skills - thanks to you all!
The only way to deal with one of my sister's is to act like she isn't there. I leave and move with no explanation (or words) often. I am the adult, and I behave like it. If she acts like a crazy fool, then I have none of that. I'm not the one people will be talking about. What do I care if I have to play the silent game?
I definitely wouldn't send her the e-mail. If you have no interest in making peace with her: I would probably not acknowledge her at the camp although if a situation forced the issue, I would be polite as if I were just meeting her. Cool and collected, polite, and then walk away at the soonest possible second. Basically, a polite rebuff. Then I would avoid, avoid, avoid.
If you would be amenable to making peace with her, then I would take a very cautious wait-and-see approach. Let her be the one to initiate contact the entire time. Don't give her any personal information or discuss feelings. Don't bring up anything about the past.
Whoa. Send that e-mail and you'll pay for it -- and pay and pay. She would love the attention this gives her and would parse every word of it for things to argue about with you all during the camp. She'll have it memorized and be ready to thump you with it the whole time. If you want distance from her, create it yourself while there.
Immediately, I would contact the person in camp administration, the one whom you say knows the situation, and ask that person if he can help you out by ensuring that your sister does not end up registered for any sessions, KP duties, etc., for which you or other family members are registered. Your e-mail draft mentions that she should not sign up for sessions for which the rest of you are signed up, but how would she know what you're signed up for? Are those lists made available to every participant in advance? (I sure hope not; that sounds like a bad way to run any camp, frankly.) It's asking a lot of your camp contact but maybe you can offer to do extra things to help out when there -- extra administrative help in the office, for instance -- to make up for the favor of ensuring she's not with you. He may have to tell her that "the session's full" when it isn't -- is he willing to do that , at this Christian camp?
If your sister calls the camp to ask "What events are my relatives signed up for?" I would ensure that the camp staff knows to reply, "Sorry, we don't give out that information about anyone." If they DO do that -- well, the camp has some serious privacy issues that are beyond this situation!
I would NOT send this e-mail to her or contact her at all prior to camp; she will eat up the attention if you do that. In fact, starve her for attention -- even the "negative attention" of arguing with her or being rude to her -- the entire time. She is at an event with you or an activity? Focus your eyes and attention on that, not on her. Say a cool hello and goodbye every time -- do not just ignore her existence or she will have that to brood and complain over, so do greet her and answer the most basic questions with only the briefest basics ("Yes, Jenny went to X session yesterday. No, I'm not sure what session she has today. OK, the speaker's starting and I said I'd sit with Friend over there, so see you tomorrow." Depart.)
Mealtime is harder if it's family-style group tables. You can all agree to be cool but still speak to her, and not let her get to any of you, she will grow bored with the lack of drama and back off, one hopes.
But ultimately this sounds so stressful that I would not go. Yes, your husband is a speaker, but is it really critical to his role that all the rest of you be seen there with him? Surely you know what he's going to say. He would like your support, I'm sure, but he also surely would not want you have day after day of this stress, possibly capped off by some catastrophic argument at the end of camp. You would get nothing out of this whole time except stress. I'd let him go, wish him Godspeed, and spend the vacation time somewhere sister-free and enjoyable.
No contact! Don't bother with the email. If she is Psycho/sociopath, it will not help, just give her more ammo to work with.
Be courteous but brief when you run in to her. Imagine you are watching her on TV, just observe her and avoid responding. Then walk away and say to yourself, "crazy crazy crazy."
Will she view this as a challenge and try to do the opposite of what you requested? UGH! I don't know what advice to give you....also seems she could turn this around on you and continue the drama at the camp.
Quite frankly, I wouldn't write her ANYTHING. That will just give her more time to figure out how to treat you like dirt.
I know that you said you have to go, but to be honest, I would just cancel the trip and let your husband go alone.
With you there, she will tell anyone and everyone that you stole money from her. No amount of losing your deposit is worth having to put up with THAT.
At the very least, DON'T write her a letter in advance. Please. She will just use it against you.
If she comes sit beside you, just say hi and pay attention to the speaker. If she tries to chit-chat, just say fine and yes and no and excuse me, I have to run an errand. That makes it less of a possibility that she causes a scene in front of people.
Dawn
If she sat next to me, I'd get up and move. If she had her arm around me, I'd remove it, then move. I'd walk away if she's in a group where I was. I'd make sure with whomever is in charge that you're not on KP together or anything else.
I would not send that letter though. If you send it, you're just asking for her to harass you more.
Good luck!
I have to agree with Theresa.
Seems like drama going both ways.
I have sat through several events with my ex husband who is a drama queen. We are talking sitting at the same table, passing food, the whole nine yards. So long as one person acts the grownup it isn't so bad. Since you cannot control her, you have to be the grown up.
I think this may only "rev" her up. Give her a goal. She may do exactly the opposite of the request and make things miserable before you even go. I would not send it.
I'd talk to someone in charge about the need to be in separate classes and kp. Don't go into specifics, simply explain that you need to keep as much distance between you as possible. Any contact should be cordial and brief...find an excuse and escape plan. If she persists, then I would tell her that you are not interested in rekindling a relationship and to please leave you and your family be.
This does not sound like a fun situation. Good luck.
Don't send the letter, it'll just blow things up more. If your husband hast to attend, but YOU don't, then don't - especially if she focuses on you. I'm guessing your husband will have speaker related things to do so he can avoid her. And your husband should understand the situation and be ok with you not going. If you've already paid and it would be too huge a loss, you may choose to still go. I would say if you must go, work with the directors and tell them you need to NOT be assigned with her, regardless of her requests. Good luck!
You got very good advice on not sending the email. :)
Since this is a Christian Camp is there anyway you could set up an intervention or counseling session with an administrator/pastor for your family members and this sister? Maybe having a third party explain to her how hurtful her actions have been, and how inappropriate her actions still are, would help. Heck, even if you have to ambush her to get her to a session - like "invite" her to a special event, then lock the door behind her once she walks into the room with the counselor.
You may want to speak with the camp administrators/schedulers before hand and explain the strained family situation and that you prefer, in order to minimize her drama, that they not schedule her into any sessions/duties with you or your family. Since your hubby is a keynote speaker, I would think they would defer to your/his wishes on this.
Good Luck
Toxic family is soooo hard to deal with.
you will just set fire to a flammable situation if you send that email.
either don't go, or YOU take steps to avoid her.
you can't claim to want to avoid drama when you are frantically stirring it up with this.
khairete
S.
I have some crazy family too. I have found the best thing is just ignore ignore ignore. I would not send her a letter. Focus on your family and ignore her. If she comes up and puts her arm around you I would say loudly 'you know you are not welcome around me or my family, please take your hands off me'. If she tries to be included in what you are doing, I would say sorry, you will have to make your own plans, you are not welcome to be with us because of your past behavior. Make sure your other sister or family is on board with this. They should not be telling her your plans anyway. If they plan to include her, make your own plans without them and just spend the time with your husband and kids.
Do NOT send that e-mail.
If you do, she will have, in writing, everything you said and it will just add fuel to the fire.
You can't control her, or her behavior, so you just have to conduct yourself with integrity and let what happens happen. In other words, if she signs up for the same things, you can't be the one to cause a scene. You don't have to act all lovey-dovey if you aren't feeling it, but your family dynamic doesn't need to affect anyone else. If she gets out of control, that's on her.
If she is unpredictable, she might not even show up. If she does, I'm sure you'll find a way to gracefully handle the situation to minimize contact without creating yet more drama which, in the end, is what you are trying to avoid.
Just my opinion.
Folks need to be praying for all of you. Why bother with a letter, just get a restraining order and let the camp director know. Then who ever sign up first should go.
Family dynamics can be a real drag.
I 100% agree with the other responses, that you shouldn't send the email and you should be polite or ignore her to the best of your abilities.
But there's another thing you should consider as well. Why is your sister going to this event and/or causing all this family drama? By your own admission she has nothing to do with the medical conference aspect of this conference. Perhaps she's going so she CAN see her family, or to relive some part of her past, maybe to remember happier times of attending with her ex-husband, or when things weren't so strained with the family.
When you see her, why don't you just ask her, "why are you here?" Not in a mean way, but with actual concern for the answer.
Her way of reaching out may be totally messed up -- the drama, the lies, suing family members, etc. -- but it's still a cry for attention. She's hurting from something and is acting out. Just like a three-year old. Negative attention is still attention.
This is your sister, your family, for Pete's sake. Until you sit down and hash out the problems (perhaps with one of the camp counselors or pastors?), she's going to continue looking for ways to get attention.
Who knows, maybe she really is some sort of psychopath who needs medical attention? But wouldn't that be better to know, vs. stressing out about everything?
