Brother in Law Passed....

My aunt recently passed and today is her memorial service. We are not going. We were not close and in fact, I know some not-so-nice things about her which make her not one of my favorite people. However, she was my kids aunt also but we are not going since my van recently blew up and we are not financially able to make it, it's out of state. I'm saying all this because you should never feel obligated to do things you don't really WANT to do. I would send a sympathy card and leave it at that. Good luck.

it's about your sister, and her grief, right? so go and don't hang out with your brother.
khairete
S.

If you chose not to go, be sure to send flowers and a heartfelt card. I would do whatever I wanted, not listening to others, but that's just me. Family relations can be crazy can't they? Just do the right thing, for you, and don't get caught in the fray.

Stay away from the funeral - too much potential for family drama and your sister doesn't need any of it there.
Send flowers or a fruit basket to your sister's home with a sympathy card.
It's fine to pay your respects privately.

I wouldn't go. I would send a nice flower arrangement to the funeral home and then I would sit down and write some kind words on a sympathy card to my sister and mail the card to her. If anyone in your family says something to you about not going to the funeral, you should say that you in due respect, felt it best for everyone that you stay away to avoid any drama. By doing so, you avoid any nasty confrontations, look mature, and it throws the ball back in their court. Essentially, you not attending the funeral is a result of how they have treated you through the years. I would make no attempts to establish any relations with them until I got an apology from them. Even then, I would tread very carefully. Meanwhile, I would surround my life with positive people who care about me.

Go to the funeral. Support your sister. Imagine her grief. Too bad you aren't close now but I imagine you were as kids? You don't have to talk to your brother if you don't want to. If the voicemail hadn't happened, would you go?

I would NOT assume that your sister has "written you off" as someone put it, just because she didn't respond to your voice mails. She did respond to your e-mail. Bear in mind: People who have a gravely ill family member simply do not always have any time to make calls, update people, etc. It can be immensely painful for them to do so and to repeat to various relatives over and over the details. Your sister also may, like me, check her voice mail less and less if she uses e-mail frequently. So don't just say, "She wrote me off" because you have no idea what she has been going through in recent months or even recent years. She may have been in the difficult position of being a caretaker and having to watch her spouse die day by day. You don't know. Yes, she might have had your support if she'd been in closer touch. But how about taking the high road here and giving her the benefit of the doubt and assuming that she was in pain and profoundly busy?

Much of the post is about you and your brother. While that's sad, and painful for you, the BIL's death is not about you or your brother either. Go to the funeral only, skip any family gathering time afterward if you feel you must, but be sure that you get at least a moment face to face with your sister so you can tell her, "I was sorry to hear X was so ill, and I can only imagine how tough this has been for you. I know I live out of the area now but I have been thinking of you and that's why I'm here. I'll be in touch again to see how you're doing."

Then DO it -- get in touch. Use e-mail if she seems to respond better to that. If your brother tries to get into anything with you at the funeral itself, you need to be icy calm and just say, "Today is about Sister and BIL, not about us and our former issues. Let's just keep the focus on them." And do not, not, not respond or reply. If he comes drunk or aggressive to the funeral, yes, leave quietly.

If you do not go you may end up regretting it. Yeah, it could be drama -- but only if you LET it be drama. Don't try to socialize or pretend everything is lovely with the rest of the family. Focus on your sister and don't linger but be certain to have a moment with her. This is not about you or your brother or the estate. Say that to yourself over and over.

You sound very emotional in the post and that's understandable but you need to get some control over that. You can't break down or get into anything else during the funeral. The funeral service itself should mean you are all facing a minister or listening to speakers or whatever - not talking and interacting; so go, and get through the service.

You might even find your brother has gotten a slap of mortality thanks to his BIL's death and is more willing to be cordial than you realize. But you will never, never know if you don't attend. Go with your better instincts and attend, rather than assuming the worst. If it all blows up? Then you know you made an effort even if brother loses it on you.

One other thing --you could always just ask sister if you can attend.

Here's my thought.

This is a crucial decision. It's the end of your family forever or it's an olive branch. You are the only one that has to live with how YOU FEEL about it.

If you are ready to cut that tie and know you hurt her feelings forever and that she'll remember you didn't care enough to come then don't go. It's over and done and you're free from them until they contact you.

IF you want to be there for her because she is your sister and you love her then by all means go. Don't go stay with anyone. Just go and stay in a hotel and let this sister know you'll be there. Then come in and sit in the back. Don't go up to the front with the family unless they treat you different.

If they've missed you and are really glad to see you then it might be okay to sit with them but it exposes you to brother and that's not what you want. You want to show her your love and compassion but not have an all out war with brother that gets him a lot of attention.

I agree with Mel R your brother should have no impact on whether you go or not. Your sister was caring for an I'll spouse cut her some slack. Be the bigger person. You and your sister may grow closer down the road his but if not at least you can feel good about your choices.

I responded to your question about the estate. I guess you didn't get a lawyer to help you with this, and you haven't been paid anything out of the trust, only your 6th of the house. You still have time to do this - they won't have settled the estate since it hasn't yet been a year. (But it's obvious that you don't want to.) How you can let your part of the estate go, I really don't understand.

About your sister, I think that you have been written off. I don't think they want you at the funeral and you wouldn't be supporting her (though that's what you want it to be.) You'd be putting her in a tough position because she would have to worry about the dynamics of the family changing with you there.

I'm sure that's painful for you to hear. (Not trying to hurt you here, Gail.) But just the fact that these people are trying to cheat you out of money means that you are not a part of them anymore.

Now I want to say this to you and I wish you were strong enough to do it. You have played right into your brother's wishes to let him "vomit in your face" as he said in his ugly drunken tirade. Just the fact that you walked away from dealing with ANYTHING about the estate played right into his manipulating, conniving hands. You LET him cheat you out of your father's estate. It's illegal for them to do this. You need a lawyer to contact him and take him to court over this.

I wish you'd do it. The truth of the matter is that they will never think better of you. They bully you now, either through meanness or by ignoring you. You will NEVER get past this if you let them cowl you here. A lawyer will take care of this for you and you don't have to answer the phone if your brother calls you. You don't even have to turn on your answering machine. As a trustee, he HAS to do the right thing and the judge will make him. He has a fiduciary responsibility.

Please reconsider this. Stop trying to fight this battle of wanting them to accept you back into the fold. They will just treat you awful if you go to this funeral.

I would go to support my sister. My sister in law's father died several years ago. She and I aren't close and I've never met her parents but I went to the funeral to support her and my brother.

If you go then avoid your brother. If he comes to you tell him that you are there to support your sister and don't want any drama.

I believe that I would go, even if only for the funeral. Unless your association with the whole lot of them is assured to be an unhealthy experience, I don't understand not showing up for your sister. This isn't about your brother or your deceased brother-in-law. It's about your presence during a time of family loss. You don't have to interact with anyone you don't want to.

This could be a defining moment in your relationship with your sister. As we age and grow, these moments tend to be more and more significant. When we experience loss, we notice who shows up for us. Even if you don't get to interact much with your sister during your stay, she will remember that you showed up, and that could open the door for more positive exchanges later. If you do not show up, you will most definitely widen the gap.

How much difficulty would it be to go? Deaths in families have a way of making people realize what's important in life - and one of those things is family. Your brothr sounds like a real winner - probalby has a drinking problem or mental health issue - or both. But I think it's a good thing to show your concern for your sister at the death of her husband - IF it's not burdensome for you to go. If you can go and get back in the same day by driving there - then go. On the other hand if it will require an overnight saty and a looooong drive or a flight then send your condolenes.

My husband and I have lost his dad, my mom, my sister's husband and my husband's sister all in the last few years - so we know all about funerals, who comes to them, who doesn't etc. We've been incredibly touched by people who came long distances when we didn't expect it, we were disappointed, but completely understood when others couldn't come who lived far away - and hurt when people close by, who could have easily come didn't come. But I have to say the sweet notes and even letters were a wonderfl and better than flowers that died within days. We got a small tree as a gift from co-workers at my mom's death and I love ethe thought that I'll see it bloom eery Spring to remind me of her.

So think along those lines. Families can be really dysfunctional - but it you can work around it the relationships can be awesome. I have a sister in the next state over who is very much the opposite of me - she can be difficult at times. But I still love her and we both work at keeping our relationship - no one else shares you childhood with you the way siblings do.

I guess I'm just confused why you would even consider going. If you aren't close to anyone in the family, why waste the money? I'm just not the type that would spend money to go to a funeral if I didn't spend the money to see them when they were alive. Considering what your past has been with your family, it doesn't really sound like your sister needs, or wants, your support.

Send her a nice personalized sympathy card!!

Good luck!!

Ugh, family drama is the worst. Ultimately, only you know how the balance sheet comes up when you consider the risks versus rewards of attending. I will say that I have attended three different services in the past 5 years where there was family drama involved. People behaved very well at the actual service. At two of the three, drama erupted at later, smaller, family-only events that involved alcohol. So if you decide to attend, I would highly recommend going to the service, giving your sister your love, and leaving at the end of the formal service. Skip any smaller things, like a family dinner the evening of the service or a family-only graveside service.

AZneomom says it all, "Only you know the balance sheet...".

But, since you are asking, I say standby your husband as he has stood by you. Go to your sister after the hoopla of the services. Email her now and tell her that you cannot afford to come on short notice, but you will be able to come in about 2 weeks. Then, you will not have to see the brother.

By the way, I totally sympathize. I was in the same situation as you with my siblings when my dad passed.

Wow, what a mess for you to be in. Many of us have been there, including myself.

I think what is more important is how you feel. You are your #1! I think that is the point your husband is trying to make.

Take a step back and considered everything carefully and if your really want to go, I am sure your husband will respect that.

I was drawn into a family dispute, which tore my family apart. I had about 1/16 of a part in it. I knew the problem and only asked if one party was aware of another parties situation. FF 5 years and my niece is in the hospital. My brother in law called my daughter and she informed me. I said, I don't care, I'm walking in there and I did. I sat with my niece for nearly a 3 months hospital stay and then helped my sister with all of her funeral arrangements, all the while, I was receiving accusations via text message, for various nonsensical BS. I chose to ignore it and still do my part, supporting the sis that was sending the accusations. I just let it all roll off my back. Eight months later and we have a small relationship, but better than the last 5 years.

Do what feels best for you. Your feelings are always just as important as the next persons.

Best wishes.