Difficulty with Mom / Grandma

M.

I fight this conflict in my head and I finally told my mom just last week that I was finally big enough to see my short commings and the psylogical warfare being played out over and over again and now my children had faced it first hand, she has both verbally anf physically abused then I just learned and i got really angry as we all do at times so i jumped out of the hot box for a good long while and really looked at what i was wanting or needing from her and then just the other day I realized i just simply wanted to be loved no matter what. I did call here put down the rules of the phone call I talk you listen for 3 minutes and no INTERUPTING or the call was done and then I would also do the same for her again no INTURUPTING after 3 minutes on each sides we would try to problem solve it needed but i will not break my back for her nor for my children as they are still children all I said for my 3 minutes was "all i have ever wanted from this relationship was to be loved by you" i was silent the rest of my 3 minutes during her time she said "i never knew how much I hurt you yes i have always loved you both of my kids just very diffrently" then she was silent i had always thought my brother was the best because he was not adopted and i was when he was 2 it was in the family so i always felt like someones dirty laundry, once i told her all i ever wanted was to be loved by her she has agreed to a phone time for 10 minutes same rules to clear the air but not completely make everything go away we can not erase our memories like that we have to start slow baby stept to repair a torn relationship I do want to love her as well as be loved by her i am not willing to compromise my health or my childrens health or my relationships either it just is not fair to them I WONT DO IT i have always taught my kids its ok to be mad and hurt its what you do with it that defines who you are so M. who are you? for counseling there should be a local community mental health service senter pretty close by if not call the state department of mental health and usually they pick up the tab.

1 mom found this helpful

my best advice from the sounds of things is walk away.....and tell you father and siblings that you dont expect them to choose sides, and you are open to relationships with them, but not mom.
then let it all go.
its not easy, but in the end its the healthiest thing you can do.
have you looked into group therapy or maybe someone who works on a sliding scale?
good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

It's family, and family is all that matters. Try mentally switching places with her for a moment. That would suck. Be the bigger woman, love her anyway. She needs you and now is your chance to get your mom back. She may not have had opportunity or foresight to go get help herself. You got lucky! Share your triumphs with her and tell her you are there for her and will help her, don't abandon her.

I don't have issues as severe as your mother but my childhood with my mother was not paradise either. NEVER around and practically raised myself.

She has caused me a lot of stress. Luckily I do not live nearby which is a blessing.

Anyway, I did have a similiar decision to make because of the grief that she CAN cause me. Although I don't believe she did a great job of mothering, I'm not sure that if my child thought I did a horrible job in the future that I would want them to cut me out of their life completely.

You obviously can't change her. I know this from experience as well but if it also means losing other family members I'm not sure I could handle that either.

Is there a way for you to at least be around with not being involved? Set the limits that you feel comfortable with and ask that it be respected.

I am sorry about this for you. I truly understand how awful it is to not have a good relationship with your own mother.

Wow, what a mess!

Here would be my suggestion write a letter to your mother telling her how you feel and why you do not wish to talk to her at this point and that if she can get help and change her ways you would be willing to try to start a new relationship with her. Then I would individually call each sibling and your father and tell them that you do not wish to talk to her at this time until a change is made. Tell them that you do not want any of them to choose sides but that you want to keep relationships with them and leave it up to them. I don't see that it would be beneficial to you at all to stay in this relationship, it has obviously had a detremental effect on your life already. Or just leave it as it is and don't rock the boat for the rest of your family do not take her calls. I am not sure there is an easy answer to this.

Shoot me an email if you need someone to talk to!!

S.

i'm sorry to hear these problems. my advice is to go with your gut. your first resopsablity is to you and your child. if your family can't understand that they that is their choise. just make it clear you are not making them choose between you and your mom, that it is all her. hope it all goes well. God bless you.

Hello M.,

My mother was also bi-polar. My oder sister was a greater witness to this than I was. I was not really affected by my mother's illness as I was younger before she died of a brain aneurism. My memories of her are all very sweet, while my sister's memories are exactly opposite.

This sister is also bi-polar. I have cut off ties with a manipulative bi-polar sister for similar reasons. I can tell you that my life is more peaceful and sane without her involvement. My father continues to be manipulated by her financially. He would like me to forgive her as well as other family members, but I have a family and their mental health and safety to consider. Follow your gut instincts.

We have crossed paths at my Dad's house for Thanksgiving and we were civil to eachother. It seemed to be neutral territory. I also had my husband, children and our mutual aunt present. When she came to town it was always a party, but she knows my sister's antics, bites her tongue as well and rolls her eyes with me periodically. Strangely I felt safe with so many adults there...and of course she was the center of attention the whole time, so I always knew where she was and what she was doing.

Dad's fiance asked if we could come to some understanding for Christmas for my dad's sake. I tactfully replied that it's not something that can be undone completely. I have forgiven her and moved on. That doesn't mean I want to subject myself to her, but if she needs a kidney she can call me. Otherwise she and her lifestyle, opinions and other manipulative measures can keep out.

I sent photos of the kids opening presents from her after Christmas with a polite thank you via e-mail. She assumed that was a green light to continue harassing me. I assured her that I was only sending a thank you and no other communication would be welcome. I can continue to communicate with my Dad and others...including her children via e-mail or phone and all is well. She will not be allowed in my home nor I in hers and that's just fine.

Good luck to you!

M., I am so sorry for you going through these things and I applaud you for being wise enough to cut your mom off. A couple things could happen if you make the decision to completely cut her off, your whole family may go with her, but I suspect these relationships although your only link to your family may not be the most healthy as well, or someone else in your family may draw strength from you and eventually make good decisions themselves. We do not get to choose, our bio family, we are stuck with what we have, but we do get to choose our level of connection with them. You have an obligation to protect your son, and that relationship takes precidence over all others. If I were you I would contact the local NAMI chapter (national alliance for the mentally ill) as they have different type of support groups for those with mental illness and their famillies, as well as they may know who to refer you to with individual counseling. Most counseling services have a sliding scale fee which is something to look at, as well as maybe only attending sessions monthly as opposed to weekly until you can afford more. Good Luck!!

Number 1 I see your point and i understand. Number 2 as for your mom making the others choose, i think that is just wrong. All that i can suggest is to tell them that they can still talk to you but you will not be speaking to your mother for any reason till she changes. I know that may not happen but i am not sure what else to tell you.

Hi M., I'm sorry that you have such a difficult decision to make. I've witnessed some of the same problems in my family and mostly it's just because of very strong personalities clashing and the result is that the parties involved just haven't spoken ever again. My advice is that you should not speak to your mom because you need to concentrate yourself and your son first and foremost!! It seems that if the rest of your family wants to communicate they will in time. I would make sure that they understood that they are welcome in your life and to keep them involved with any events
in your life, send them pictures of your son, letters or phone calls to keep the lines of communication open. Good Luck!!!!
M.

I think you are doing the right thing!! Its possible with you out of the picture your mother will have to find another target. Your siblings are bound to see her behavior in some way and they can't blame it on a personality conflict between you two. They may eventually come around. You can cut off contact with your mother and still maintain your contact with your siblings even if they decide they will ignore you. It was their choice, not yours.

okay i havent ever been through this but is it possible to only contact her in forms where you can monitor the response, like email or something maybe just send her things pictures letters drawings from the kiddos and tell her that when she can act appropriately she can talk to you guys.

I myself have not went through the same situation as u but if I was in your situation I would cut off contact with her and if the rest of the family wants to side with her then let them. It's not your fault that your mom hasn't learned to change and why should your son and u have to suffer because of her. Do it for yours and your son's emotional health if not for anything else. You and your son don't deserve that.

as someone who was also abused as a kid
you first priority is to protect your child from that
behavior,remeber it is yourmothersactions tearing the family apart not you you are protecting yourself and your child

Your son is your family and he has to come first. There is no choice if his safety and mental/physical wellbeing is in question.

The rest of your family will either come around or they won't. It doesn't matter.

Contact the Kansas Children's Service League for free counseling, support, parent meeting, etc.: javascript:ol('http://www.kcsl.org/');

Try a local university where counseling students (observed by professors) take on their own patients. It is much cheaper, often on a sliding scale based on income.

As for your mother, if you need to cut off contact with her to try to focus on your family, do so. Don't worry about what the rest of your family does. It will be hard to lose them, but you have to do the right thing by yourself and your new family. And believe me, she isn't worth the worry you are causing yourself. Your father/siblings will come around if they are good people. And if not, what do you need them in your life for, anyway?

Sounds like a problem too big to really be addressed in this arena. You have a lot on your plate and I applaude you for seeking help with it. I also applaude you for making the choice thusfar to cut this woman from your son's life. It is not worth her having the chance to screw up another generation. I recommend Women's Support and Community Services for counseling. They have a sliding scale starting at $5 a session depending on your income and ability to pay. Their hotline # is ###-###-#### and their intake # is ###-###-####. There is also a suport group for adult children of self-absorbed and narcasistic parents. I think it may be in St. Charles, but the ladies at Women's Support should be able to give you more info on that if you call the 646 number. Good luck whatever you choose.

I have a father that I don't speak to and have no contact with because it is my job to protect my children. I have been going through issues with him my whole life and truth be told I could go another 10 rounds and it wouldn't devastate me but I won't allow my children to be put through it. It is my job to stop this cycle and it would be more unhealthy for them to witness his abusiveness and to see who I turn into when he is around then it would be for them to have no contact at all - If the rest of your family would force you to choose between your child's best interest and them than they also would not be a very good influence on the one person that you are responsible for - your son. You are responsible for his well being and his well being also depends on how he perceives your state of mind to be - stay healthy mind and body for him