Help! My 3 1/2 Year Old Won't Fall Asleep/stay Asleep Without Me!

Dear K. M,
I used to think i was alone on this one - then i started to realize most moms had no problems with having their children in their bed but had a hard time telling others. Since i bought a twin bed for my daughter, at around 2, (now she is 3 1/2), she loves her big girl bed - but i have to lie down with her til she fall asleep. Then, i move into my bed - if i don't fall asleep right there... yet, if she is with her dad or the sitter, she goes to her bed on her own, and sleeps by herself!
Wanting to be with you does not make your child non-adjusted. Sometimes i wonder if we women just struggle too much with what others think and forget to listen to our mother instincts. I know I do, and always have to check myself. Do what works for you, eve though it cramps your style a little :)
They will grow, as we know...
I know, this is not much help, but wanted to share...

I hope you get some good advice on this. It's a hard one. Family bed could help with you getting more sleep, but not sure how your husband would take to it. Then again when the baby comes, you have to start all over again.

Has your husband offered any advice or support with this. The new baby will be here before you know it. Mine were 3 years apart.
I wonder if maybe a reward system would work. Like if goes to sleep and stays in bed etc. In the morning will go to whatever his favorite place is. Like park for picnic lunch etc. Just something for him to look forward too.

Sandy

This is so familiar. I did much the same thing with my oldest daughter. It was taking her longer and longer to fall asleep and I would lay next to her rigid with resentment and exhaustion knowing I had so much to do after she fell asleep. Not to mention wanting some time with my husband. And then I got pregnant and decided I had to do something.

I told her that she could fall asleep without me and that we'd go slow so she could learn to fall asleep alone. She didn't like this, but I was firm and positive. The first night I sat up instead of laying down as she fell asleep. The next night I moved to the edge of the bed and then slowly moved down night by night to the bottom of the bed. Then I sat in a chair next to the bed and slowly moved the chair closer and closer to the door. Once I was out of the room, I told her I'd check in on her. It took a while, but it worked.

I also made sure her bedtime routine was very consistent.

Good luck. Stay strong. And know that in the long run, you're helping your child learn good sleep skills--a life long gift.

D.
www.betweenparents.org

K.,

Just my two cents...

I am a co-sleeper, and no it's not for everybody...so, I respect your need for getting some decent sleep while pregnant. Even as a co-sleeper there is the need to be able to get up, and do some laundry or read a book. So, this is what I did to 'wean' my son off my presence at night...now, it took us about four weeks total, but it worked for us.

1. Keep up your routine, it sounds like a great one.
2. Keep talking to your son, kids deserve respect, compassion and to understand the need for change.
3. Introduce a 'lovey'...my son and I made a special trip to the store/mall to pick out something that he would be 'in charge' of taking care of and loving at night.
4. At bedtime, after routine, I told him Mommy would hug him, and he would hug his 'lovey' that was a cuddly dinosaur he and my sister picked out when we were shopping. Then, I told him I loved him, and that while he slept Mommy had to go take care of things in the house. It was his job to 'take care of his dino' and make sure he was safe at night.

It took us two weeks of this, and fussing and him saying 'Mommy stay'...but, I would wait until he was sound asleep and then, leave. I made sure to keep a baby monitor with me if I wasn't near our rooms, and come to him if needed me. I would pat his back if he needed it, and then he'd go to sleep again.

5. In the morning, make sure he knows how proud of him you are. Kids love to be rewarded for ALL the good things they do. Special treats or boards where he can earn a treat are great ways to encourage transition in toddlers.

It's a great thing you've done...meeting the needs of your child, and making sure he knows he can count on Mommy no matter what. One thing I just thought about was making him a part of the baby's world now. When my Mom was preggers with my sister, she had me rub her belly and 'help' her with getting things ready for the baby. It made the transition to being a 'big sister' easy and fun for the whole family. Explain to him to him what's going on with you, and that you need rest so the baby can grow...just like he needs sleep to grow.

Keep in mind he will get sick again, and he will need you for love and comfort. If you transition him now, future colds and such will be easier to get through and then go back to regular routine.

I know the whining and crying at night is tough, but it's just a sign of an amazing bond that he fears will break if you go. Make sure he knows it won't, and that Mommy will always come back IF you NEED me, but that Mommy needs to be able to 'take care of the baby', the house, the laundry whatever.

Best wishes,
Deanna

Hi K.. I feel for you, I am going through a similar situation as you. My 20 month old daughter will not sleep in her crib any more.(she sleeps in our bed) She will cry for 2 hours if I let her. So, we decided to make her crib into the toddler bed. Today is the second day and last night we were up from 1am to 3am putting her back into her new bed over and over again. Boy, did she scream. She finally went back to sleep until 6:30 am. For nap time today (as I write) went a little better, but she still cried for an hour and I had to put her back into the bed over 10 different times. She finally fell asleep as I stood at her door. It has been a half an hour. Lets hope she sleeps for at least another hour. This is definitely a process, and will take at least a few more days for her to get used to falling asleep by herself. If you let your son whine and cry it's ok. You just have to keep putting him back into his bed.....no talking to him, just be silent and put him back into the bed. My sister had to go through the same thing (her son was around 3 years old) It only took her one night of total screaming and hiding in his closet, and the next night it only took her 15 minutes to put him to sleep. She kept reminding him of the night before (definitely not my situation!) It may be the hardest thing you have to do, but better to go through it now, then when your new baby is home. Don't worry it gets better(easier) as they get older. Be consistent...that's the key!
Good luck with your new baby!

I would try a couple ways (find one that works for you) . . .

1. Sit next to his bed without touching him, looking at him or even acknowledging him. I know you said he cries and whines, but eventually he will fall asleep. Then, over a period of days (or weeks) move the chair further from the bed, eventually out of the room. We used this method with DS getting used to his crib, it was hard, but worked.

2. Move a makeshift bed into his bedroom and sleep next to him - again, over a period of days (or weeks) moving the bed further away, until it is eventually out of his room.

3. The Super Nanny method - put him to bed and continue to put him back into bed (no talking) until he stays there. We used this method when we transitioned to a big-boy bed. It took about three nights (each night with fewer times), but eventually worked. We still use this method on nights when one of the DC is not staying in bed.

Good luck to you and try to get some sleep!

Here is my advice... and you may not like it... is to relax and roll with it. You are not ruining your son by being with him until he conks out. I did this with both my kids. I was pg when I co-slept with my son (he was 4.5 when his sister was born). I found that if I just lay next to him and relaxed, he was asleep in 10 minutes. If I was stressed and angry b/c it was taking "too long" he picked up on my energy and it kept him wide awake.

After he went to sleep, I joined my husband for the rest of the evening. No strain to the marriage.

His behavior is very typical and in my view (and others) very normal! Nighttime is scary. Sleeping next to a safe, warm adult is very reassuring to a small child. If you don't want to do it, fine, but don't threaten him with punishments (making him more fearful and putting more stress on him - making it less likely for him to RELAX and sleep). Instead, you encouragement. Help him feel safe and snug. Read Kurcinka's book for ideas.

My daughter is 4.5 now and I still lie with her till she conks out (15 minutes). When she wakes up at 5 or 6am, she quietly knocks on my door. I walk her back and lie with her and we both fall asleep till it's time to get up. (No arguments, no stress. I need sleep too.) No strain on the marriage. No nighttime stress for us either.

But... not for everyone... you can try reassuring him that he is so safe in his room and you are right there... can you rub his back after books?

I give my daughter "dots and squeezies" before bed and it relaxes her. I press my thumb 10 times around the clock of both feet. Then squeeze all the way up her legs. Dots to each hand and squeeze all the way up to the arm (this is supposed to help the brain relax. I do light squeezes up the sides of her ears. She is visibly relaxed.

You can also keep the light dim and do "busy work" while he is in his bed (tidy his room) and maybe he can learn to conk out while you are still there. This works for me sometimes.

I have also left a story tape/CD to put them to sleep. You can put the story tape on as you tidy up the room, then sneak out when he's asleep. Done that.

Jim Weiss has a wonderful collection of CDs
http://www.greathall.com/

Rabbit Ears also is a great series. My son's favorite was the soothing Thumbellina at that age.
http://www.rabbitears.com/

This book may also help you. It's great. It's not a pro-co-sleeping book (it won't try to convince you to co-sleep) but it will help you to get your child to relax and sleep in his own bed.
http://www.parentchildhelp.com/

I think it's time you teach your little guy that mom has needs too. I did that one time with my son. I told him that I was tired too, and had to go put my jammies on and go to bed, and it was like a little light bulb went on. You could remind him that you love him, and will always be there for him, but that you have things you need to do for yourself. Then you could tell him that you'll stay two more minutes, but then you have to go. And stick to it! Maybe if you try that a few nights, and give him a set amount of time that you'll stay, he'll get adjusted. Waiting until he falls asleep seems like a bad idea. Then you are probably making him feel insecure and not safe because he's not sure when you left or where you went once he wakes up or feels you going. Plus I bet being pregnant has A LOT to do with it.
I would also try adding something new to the bedtime routine. Have you ever tired to have him read YOU a story? And then be sure to leave, even if he cries, and if he needs one more hug or kiss go back in one more time, but then that's it! (That's how supernanny does it =) If you have to go in again, you don't say anything, just tuck him in, and leave. He'll be fine. I think kids know how to play on our emotions. What really matters is that you are there in the morning and offer plenty of love and support throughout the day. So don't let it affect you too much!

My 2 1/2 year old went through the same thing after a very serious illness and once she was better she was addicted to my presence as well. So I put a mattress on the ground and laid down and would just lay a hand on her and tell her she was ok and if she got up, then she wouldn't get the hand. After several nights then it was just me laying there telling her it was all ok, no hand, then I moved into the chair and like Heather moved it further from the bed each night. I always reassured her that she was ok, I didn't take the say nothing approached, but I kept it very short and simple with lots of soothing shishs. By the end if she got out of bed I told her I was going to take away her cuddle love that she sleeps with, I felt mean and awful saying it but it worked, she laid right back down as she didn't want to loose her kitty. And now she'll go to bed without me. For now ... because everything seems to change, doesn't it :) Good luck!