Help from Moms Who Successfully Navigate the Terrible Twos

I am the mom of a strong-willed 3 1/2 year-old. Her behavior was escalating and nothing we were doing seemed to be working. I started reading Parenting With Love and Logic by Cline & Fay and noticed a huge difference. They actually give you very specific situations and tell you exactly what to say. What my daughter wanted was control. Once I gave her more control (and the consequences that go with it), she settled down considerably. She is still spirited (I wouldn't want that to change), but I am able to give her limits.

I like the books:
"Your 2 Year Old" or, "Your 3 Year Old", and
"How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk", both of which you can get online and read the reviews at www.amazon.com

Next, this is only the beginning. Actually the "3's" are worse... or rather, the child is changing developmentally. AND, "Tantrums" actually is a thing that continues on.... until about say 7 years old. Then "tantrums" actually starts to manifest differently. But it is ALL per developmental age sets.

Many 2 year old's are the way you describe your daughter. Most. My daughter was similar.... being a very independent child and very expressive, and mega dramatic.
I just really keyed into the personality of my daughter (ie: her strengths and learning style) and then navigated her that way. I was never one to use "treats" or rewards/stickers/charts. It did NOT work with her. She knew it was what it was.

If you approach it as a "stage" where the child is only just beginning to "learn" and "master" various commands that we want them to adhere to..... then it won't be as frustrating. At this age, they DO NOT HAVE THE "MASTERY" for all that is in their heads- this is why they get frustrated/have outbursts. Their motor skills and literal "ability" to do things (no matter how smart they are) and the ideas in their head are NOT yet "coordinated." Then when we tell them what to do or how to do it... they short circuit and have a melt-down. Because, as my daughter told me SO emphatically "Mommy, I"m not a grown-up! I'm a little child.... I don't know how to do things fast like you!" So... I learned "pacing" from her to. ie: she does NOT like to be "rushed" and hurried... so I get things "ready" the night before, explaining that the next morning, we WILL be ready etc.

Also though, at this age, their "emotions" are NOT even fully-developed. So as emotions are acquired... they don't always know what to do with it. They don't have the "coping skills" to MANAGE themselves, much less their environment or feelings. Hence tantrums. Oh and yes, they don't like being told "no", but nor does any kid, even a Teenager.

You will not raise a "demanding jerk" unless you glibly give-in to every single whim she has. She HAS to know limits and "rules" and boundaries. This is the BEGINNING of it for them, to learn. They are not cramming for a test about it... so they will not be SUPER proficient and "expert" at it yet. But OVER TIME... they will get to know your expectations. But BE CONSISTENT.

The thing is- as Parents we expect them to KNOW what we want and just do it, like a little adult. For us, its simple. But for the child... EVERY DAY is like CRAMMING for a TEST and everything told to them is an "order" or they are told "no."! And why? Then we as parents get exasperated when the child does not understand. And WHY? They should not have to cram for a test and be expert yet. But rather, we need to build blocks for them, a step at a time, to teach them. And knowing that they will NOT be perfect. But at least they will try their best. They have a whole childhood ahead of them to learn it all.

My daughter was/is like your daughter. And at 2 years old she could negotiate back at me like a trial Attorney. (not fun for me). She is now 7 years old.... and is very sage for her age and mature. And she is not a "demanding jerk." Even her Teachers say that and say that they wish ALL their students were like my Daughter. We are proud of her. AND, she acquired/learned respect and "rules" and boundaries because I appealed to her own sense of understanding.... while also teaching her HOW to express herself in a more palatable way. ie: don't yell if you want help... ask nicely/have manners. Then I'd sit there letting her stew about it and shriek... until she realized I am not going to jump up at every shriek, and then she'd learn respect that way and cooperate).

And sometimes, you do NOT negotiate. You can't give them that power all the time and "letting them" negotiate everything... they are just a child. YOU HAVE TO HAVE CONTROL & boundaries, and they have to realize YOU are the Parent. period. Just say NO. Then, plug your ears because there will be screaming. So what. They WILL stop on their own and deflate. LET HER DEFLATE ON HER OWN too sometimes (without rushing to appease her).... and just sit and read a magazine, as though you will not be bothered or upset by it. That is what I have done too... and it REALLY turns my daughter around because she realizes that I "AM" Mommy. Not her. But I explain things to her, about life, about "why's" and "why not's" etc., because she is a very curious person... and so because she wants to learn about everything and know everything, which is great.

Just know... that it WILL continue. NO CHILD STOPS tantrums or melt-downs at 2 years old. A child NEEDS time, over time, to learn about it all. The "tantrum" stage is actually over a course of years... not just one year. It starts at about 18-24 months and continues on. Then it starts up again at about the Pre-teen age. But in a different way.

All the best, sorry for rambling.
You will survive. Just keep in mind that they really do NOT have "mastery" over all the things we teach them, yet, nor over themselves.
And you will find MANY toddlers who have gone out or to Preschool in their pajamas... or in outfits that are "dreadful" to their Moms, or because that is just how the morning went. No biggie. So what. They will learn soon enough and they have their own tastes on things. And for getting ready on time... well, start getting ready even earlier... so you don't have to "rush' (and we Moms all know how LONG it can take little girls to get ready), but kids this age still NEED help to get ready... and get ready the night before too with prepping and laying out clothes, all the gear needed, and put whatever you can in the car already too. That is what I did. And, if on certain exceptions my girl did not have time to get something in her tummy, then so be it, and she'd be hungry (but I'd have something in the car for eating on the go anyway), and she'd learn. AND, you give them "if-then..." choices. ie: "if you don't eat now... then Mommy won't wait for you..." and then go and get your routine/needs done. Me- I"d even put myself and my things INTO the van & start the engine... regardless if she was following me or not (I knew she was just dilly-dallying), and then once she saw that I was not kidding... she'd hurry up and take it more seriously and change demeanor.

Good luck,
Susan

Hi A.,

I know how frustrating your daughter's behavior can be, however it is completely normal. Children at this age feel very powerless in the word. They are small and constantly being told what to do. The only way for them to feel powerful is to be oppositional. Knowing that helps us approach our toddlers in ways that allow for them to feel powerful and be more cooperative.

Here is an article I wrote about that might be of some help to you.
http://www.gilabrown.com/GB/Blog/Entries/2009/7/21_The_Ga...

If I can be of any further help, feel free to contact me.
Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
www.GilaBrown.com

Your daughter wants to have a voice...let her have her voice. I love the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk". It is really about letting your child make her own choices and you both get what you want. Example: You want those toys picked up. Ask your daughter if she wants to pick up the toys before dinner or after dinner? See, the question has nothing to do with whether or not she even wants to pick up the toys, but when. Ask her which toys she is going to pick up and which toys she wants you to pick up. It sounds so silly, but trust me, giving her choices will change the dynamic of your discussions. Keep smiling...Peace to you, B.

Read Parenting with Love and Logic. Many schools offer free parenting classes using the book as well.
CHOICES- do you want to brush your teeth or get dressed first? Do you want me to brush your teeth or do you want to do it yourself. Do you want an apple or an orange. Give them power in choices when you can.

Love that book!
Each kid is different. My spirirt five year old was a tough two year old and now an even tougher five year old! But my two year old is an odd one. We have the same daily battles to mentioned and she has the above temperment as well.
But she loves games and music and to sing and dance. She is very active and loves to move. So how could I expect that temperment to function the same way as my five year old who is not like that? I just work with it. I set a lot to music. "Get ready games" "Get Ready Songs" Most songs are three moints long and thats about how long they need to get dressed or to brush teeth....Set timers..Make it fun..Playful placemats..ect.. at the table
Work with what you have...There really is a lot there...

Wendy M gave great advice to you to help with structure and reward. Our 5 year old is and was much the same although he has recently been diagnosed with some "wiring" issues. The behavior therapist we went to suggested we make a huge deal of anything he chose to do right. Tons of praise, off the chart to the point where you think you might be a little crazy. For example when the fit starts wait for the "breath". They have to stop for a second to breathe and then jump all over it praising her for stopping and for making the right choice to calm down. It sounds nuts but it worked amazingly well. The flip side is to very much down play and ignore the bad stuff. I wish you luck with it all and encourage you to focus on being clam no matter how hard it is. Some days are just exhausting with all this but I was a middle school dean prior to having kids and believe me it is worth the effort now to avoid the issues in the future.

Raising Your Spirited Child is a good- Playful Parenting by Lawrence Coehn is even better! It has helped me a lot with my spirited one.

A.,
I went through the "terrible twos" with my daughter a long time ago, but I have been teaching preschoolers with autism and I found that the word"no" is sometimes a trigger..."try again", or "try another way", sometimes sounds less "FINAL".
Also, try taking pictures of her daily "activities" and put them on a wall, so she is visually aware of what comes next (HER SCHEDULE). Another visual cue is green happy faces and red sad faces for positive and negative behaviors...and a chart that helps her choose things she wants to earn. My preschoolers learn very quickly that GREEN HAPPY FACES earn good stuff (stickers, extra treats, places to go, etc.) At this stage and age it is about asserting themselves, so if they learn that they can make their own choices, it tends to help you and them.
GOOD LUCK and let me know how you do!
W.

you are the adult, not her. and as such, you hold the power. for example, you mentioned letting her pick the clothes. that's fine, but what you do first is pick out TWO, AND ONLY TWO acceptable outfits and she may choose from those. if she chooses neither, then she remains in her jammies that day to wherever it is that you go. trust me, it will only take a day or two for her to figure out its worth choosing one of those outfits. as for her becoming a demanding jerk, that's on you, my dear. the more power you give her now, the more she'll want. if you don't make it clear that she only gets choices on certain things, then you're opening EVERYTHING up for debate and it's going to be a very long road for yourself. when its time to get out of the house, let her know that she has ___ amount of time, and get a kitchen timer that dings when the time is up. when that dings, you finish what she hasn't. she'll learn to move quite quickly if she doesn't want your help. AGAIN, WHEN DECIDING ANYTHING SHE GETS ONLY 2 CHOICES!!!!! i cannot stress to you how important that is. you'll never leave the house if she has endless choices. also, do as much the night before as possible. choose the outfit and the meal the night before, and even let her help prepare it if you can (let her put the banana or bowl and spoon on the table). this makes her feel more in control but also saves you time in the am. also, let her know that while her input is valuable, YOU ARE THE ULTIMATE DECISION MAKER. good luck.

I would recommend checking out "Supernanny", either the show or her book (both have the same title). She is really amazing (her name is Jo Frost) and the best part is she doesn't believe in spanking, or raising your voice, etc. She shows you better ways of getting your children's respect AND to get them to listen to you, etc - and it really seems to work wonders from what I've seen on the tv show! Good luck! :)

Hi A.:
Great responses,I especially liked the one from Gila Brown.Unfortunately,many young parents, have a misconception of what (Parenting) is all about. They receive,suggestions from friends,and will almost always hear criticism from extended family regarding their methods in child rearing.Warnings of dos and don'ts and consequences you'll suffer,for not setting down the rules and enforcing them at an early age.It's my thought,that some young parents believe they must show authority,to appease the elders,or prove to their peers,that they are doing their job. In my opinion, This makes for A very stressful start for both parent and child. Specifically during the first year or two,when Your child needs all the nurturing,love and understanding you can provide her.Your child knows your the authoritative figure. She looks to you for support and guidance.Each lesson you teach them,need not be aggressive,intimidating, frightening or demanding.You want to allow them to be an individual,to develop their own special characteristics.As Gila put more adequately Your there to help guide them along,not dictate their every move. As a parent you don't want your child to believe,that they are incapable or disallowed to make even the simplest of decisions. You don't want to raise a child who's merely submissive.They will grow up,expecting others to give their approval for even the smallest decisions they must make.You'd hold them back from becoming independent, productive human beings.Give your Daughter more space to grow.Try not to sound like your policing her,rather helping her along life's way.I wish you and your daughter the best. J. M