He Cheated and Now I Dont Know Who I Am

Sweetheart, the changes to your dreams and expectations have come as a huge shock to you. This is recent, and you are still reeling. Take things one day, one breath, at a time. You will gradually begin to see a way forward. None of us out here can tell you exactly what that might be, but we can tell you some things about life and love that are true.

Here's my list of suggestions, mostly lessons from my own life:

It's possible your husband married you in a sincere attempt to pull himself up to the standard of worthiness. You can't know that he ever really intended to deceive you or abandon you. He may have been fighting against that. At any rate, it will do you no good to wonder about his intentions. You really can only work with your own. But it will be worth the effort, for your own sake and for your children's, to intentionally work toward forgiveness.

When your son cries for his daddy, hold him and empathize. "Oh, yes, I KNOW how much you want your daddy. You wish your daddy were here. Me, too. But Daddy can't be here right now. So let's cuddle together until we feel better, okay?"

Your son is young enough that his feelings will probably start to shift fairly quickly, if you don't lay your own emotional burden on him. Remember that you want him to be emotionally healthy, and for that, you will need to allow whatever emotional growth this situation can bring. And EVERY event, no matter how tragic, can bring emotional growth if that is our intention.

Keep your mind off your husband by keeping it on whatever is good, positive, and constructive in your life. If there's not much of that, then make more. Eat thoughtfully, exercise, take walks, read good books, take classes, join a club or organization, become part of a mom's group, MAKE opportunities for yourself. If you don't have a religious practice, find one that fits your personality and lifestyle. Avoid drugs and alcohol – they are devious "friends" when one is in pain.

You won't stop thinking of him completely. That's just the way it is. But you'll think of him less often, and with less pain, as you practice. And time away from him and WITH YOURSELF can be very healing. You're young, and have had very little time to learn who you are as an individual, rather than as someone's daughter, girlfriend, wife. That's part of what is making this sudden loss feel so impossibly hard.

Don't plan to start dating right away. That's just one more devious way to try to run away from pain. It may seem to work, but you will be much too vulnerable, and could develop unhealthy dependencies on romance, sex, or the wrong guy(s). After you are divorced, and when you get to know yourself better and have a clear sense of what you do and don't want from your life, then it's okay to start dating. But keep your date life and family life separate, until you find someone really worth your kids thinking about as a stepdad. Be really sure about a commitment before your kids form a bond. My mom brought a dashing potential "dad" into my life, and he left when I was eight. It was the single most devastating event I ever had to endure – and has marked every relationship I've had since. Don't do that to your children.

On hope: it's worth quite a lot in helping us move forward. It's also potentially cruel. There is some chance that your husband, being young, will sow some wild oats and then discover it's really you he wants. You may have a chance to take him back, if you want. But don't live on that hope, or it may blind you to better alternatives.

Give this all some time. You can and will get up and continue living every day. At first it might be only for your precious boy, your coming baby. That's enough for starters. Eventually you'll notice that you are also living for you, for new dreams, for the excitement of what you're learning. Go for it.

You need to sloooooow down. You shouldn't even be thinking about dating. You need to get counseling so you can get past this relationship before you start in on a new one. Step back and take some time for yourself and your children. If your husband wants to get counseling with you, then decide if you really want to give him the chance or not. But dating shouldn't even be o nthe radar.

Dear S.,
I know how hard it is for you right now, specially with children. Unfortunately, you have to be strong, for yourself and for your family, it isnt and it wont get any easier, I know, however, take it from someone who made this mistake, as much as you want him back, for what I read, he doesnt, so, yes, you have to move on, as for you going out on dates, well it is pretty son, and dont worry about confusing your child who his dad is, as long as you are very clear, on the role your dates play in your life and your childrens, what I mean to say is that (and you will see this for yourself) you wont just come to your kids with a new guy and expect them to think or feel as if he was their dad, these things take time, and if he is just a date, and you treat him just like that, they will know. As for your child, it takes time to adjust to this huge change, give him time, have patience and all your love, he will overcome this, the sooner you do, the sooner he will.
You dont say if your ex is attempting any contact with your son, after your separation, if he isnt, then you must call him and ask him whether or not he will be a part on your children's lives at all. If he says no, then you dont want your children around someone who doesnt love them, like you do, like they deserve, anyway.
The more you focus on how to get yourself and your children through this, the easier it will be to keep your mind off him. Start with day to day, plan your day, your evenings, read books, hug your children, make a salad.
When I was cheated on I would spend my afternoons thinking where he was if he was with her, if they were laughing at me (he cheated on me 4 times with the same woman, why I kept coming back to him? no idea!) But then everytime I started thinking of him I would stand up, and do something, sweep, (even if I already had), kiss my sister, undo and redo the bed, and then these "episodes" were fewer and fewer, until it almost stop. Even today after 6 years, I still think of him, but I raise my head, kiss my child, and start doing something, so, I can tell you, you'll survive and you'll be ok. I'll pray for you. Remember that only love can put a broken heart back together, and where can you get more love than from being a mom?. Good Luck =) (Sorry its so long.)

I used to work 3rd shift in the winter in Ohio to make extra "Christmas" money for my family. So at 236am the morning of Thanksgiving, I drive up to my house after getting off work early only to find an odd car in my driveway...and to find my husbands shipping clerk servicing him on my couch in my living room.

Fast forward 11 years and I can still tell you how it feels to have this happen. I still feel it in my gut even now in telling the very abbreviated tale and well, you never quite get over something like that. You just don't.

But I will tell you how I did survive. I threw everything into making sure he didnt' get the satisfaction of seeing me fail. I made sure I made it on my own and healthy because it was my way of saying...good riddance.

You will hurt for a while and you will free fall for a while and you will doubt your self worth for a while, but it WILL pass. And your child will do something and you will have no regret that you didn't miss this milestone and you will have pity for the man who will grow old one day and regret his decision and he will. Without any doubt he will regret it. But that's not your worry.

Don't confuse your son, tell him he's not there. Tell him YOU are and that you love him. When he asks about Daddy tell him the truth. That daddy can't be there right now. There's nothing else to be said. Then make your own rituals and your own memories.

Now I'm not going to lie, it is gonna be like severing a limb without meds but you are stronger than you think and really, do you want someone there that doesn't want to be? ESPECIALLY around your children?? You want someone there who never questions his place and who WANTS to parent them who won't use them as pawns who won't use them against you.

Asking why at this point is moot. It is what it is...and you have to find a way to move past the "why" and get to the business of living and loving your children. And that's easier said than done. I know this. And I'm sorry.

You are stonger than you ever thought you could be.

I wish you nothing but great things.

I'm sorry that you and your children are having to go through this. Some guys are just jerks or have a lot of growing up to do. Sounds like your husband is one of them. What I would suggest is that you don't even think about whether you can, will or should get back together with your husband right now, and don't think about dating. Go get some counseling for yourself ASAP so that you can sort through all of your feelings and determine what is best for you and your children. Once you are feeling more centered, you will be able to make better decisions about your future and will have a better sense of who you are, what's best for you from here on out.

Sending prayers to you and your boys.

I am so sorry you are going through this... It is very good that you moved in with your parents. It's great that your son will have more family support around (even though it may take a while before he stops asking for his dada). I think you need to focus on yourself and your son a little while...... Don't worry about dating until you are ready... (and you probably won't want to bring anybody in the house to meet your son until you know it's serious...)

One day I'm sure your husband will realized how he screwed up... and how he missed out on your son's life... However, if he can't remain faithful in the BEGINNING of a relationship (when things are still supposed to be good), then I don't know how much hope there is... I know it's going to be hard to not think about him 'coming around' or finally coming to beg your forgiveness... Even if you get back together, it would be difficult to ever trust him again...

From now on, I think you need to take care of yourself. Surround yourself with as much family and friends as you can. (living with your parents is a great way to do that..........) establish some routines with him bonding with Grandma and Grandpa......... eventually friends.

If you're a stay-at-home Mom you might want to join some meet-up groups to make some friends and meet up with other moms. (play dates, play groups, etc...) Try meetup.com

It sounds like you're under a lot of stress... you need to take it easy with the baby........ focus on you, your son, and that new baby coming.... Maybe you'll want to go back to school (on-line classes so you can still stay home with the baby...........) Something to focus on your and making your life better for your children. Or- do a little part-time at-home business opportunity (Avon, Mary Kay, Arbonne, etc....) Your children will be alright... your home and your family are with you.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I hope things look up soon.

This "man" is not a husband or a father. I'm sorry and don't want to sound harsh but what kind of man cheats on his wife (while she's pregnant I'm guessing), won't take her to the hospital, won't speak to her, etc. Is this the kind of example you want your children to follow? What kind of life do you want for them? An intact family with a father who disrespects their mothers and shows no remorse? Not what I want to teach my kids. And you shouldn't even be thinking about dating! you are pregnant and separated from your husband. Take a step back, get yourself some counseling and make sure you aren't talking about dada all the time to an 18 month old who doesn't understand.

Leaving you in a lurch instead of taking you to the hospital thinking you might be mis-carrying is beyond contemptable. In your profile you say that hubby is in the army he can and you as well, get some form of counseling. Not that he deserves the time, but you may want to ask him that question, the one about why did you marry me? Find out where his head is at and why he wants to break up the family and why he would be so cruel to you especially that you are carrying his child. If in the end things won't work out, stay with mom till you get on your feet but make sure you take him to court for child support and spousal support as well. I'm sorry you have to go through all this stress, but take care of yourself as you will soon have two little loves that will be depending on you.

You are dealing with a lot. Personally, I don't think anyone should date until the divorce papers are signed. Why do you want to add that kind of stress to your life right now? I think you need to start with counseling for yourself and for the two of you together. Even if this relationship ends, he is the father of your children and you will always have a relationship with him. From what you said, it sounds like he is finished with the relationship. He will not talk to you and he would not take you to the hospital! To me, that doesn't sound like a guy who loves his wife and children.

.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time right now. I went through a very difficult time with my husband as well. Not quite your situation, but still pretty difficult. We went to counseling and it has helped our relationship sooooo much. It is so much better. We were able to express our feelings to each other and truly hear each other. As opposed to yelling or walking away or avoiding all together. If you really want this to work, see if he will go to counseling with you with. If he won't, then you need to focus on you and your babies.
Of course you want that happy family, or even just to be together as a family. But if the family situation is a negative one or one that is together sometimes and not at others- honestly the kids are probably better without it. And so are you. You can't completely give yourself to your kids if you aren't well yourself. Even if he won't go with you, it would probably do good for at least you to go. They can be extremely helpful and give you new ways to view things. Good luck and hang in there.

Brooke said it so well! we have all been hurt and 99% of us get through it. your son will keep you focused and your new little one. but the major thing is you have to make you happy first! it's hard when we are trully hurting and then have to deal with our children but if you are not happy how can you trully make them happy? so i really think you should take Brooke's advice. you are in my prayers!

Tamela is exactly right. My ex was so crappy. I couldn't take it any longer and I had just started a business from scratch (insurance agency, no money yet!) and I kicked him out and immediately divorced him. My 2 kids and I lost my 3,000 sf house and had to move in with my mom. He immediatly found another woman to take care of him, they have been married a couple years. Just this last year and a half they BOTH have filed for bankruptcy. I however have a sucessful business, 2 happy kids and have remarried to a wonderful man who makes over 6 figures, loves me and my kids and does everything my ex couldnt/wouldn't do.

So my point is you may be sad now, think this is your whole world, but it isn't. Something (someone) so much better could be just around the corner for you and your kids. Your life it too short to waste it being unhappy. Same thing for your kids. They adjust to whatever is happening around them. Do what you can and get help from family and friends.

And DO NOT bring boyfriends around your kids I'd say for at LEAST 6 months to a year into the relationship. You do not want your kids getting attached and then if it doesn't work, it's another man they have lost from their lives. I wish you the very best and hope it works out for you, whatever you decide to do!

obviously dad don't want to be around. let's be honest you caught him cheating, and yes it hurts it's going to. i say move on he don't deserve to be with you if he can't respect you or your family. and eventually you should date but don't rush yourself. it's to soon for you and it'll only confuse your son. just because you date does not neccesarily mean they are going to fill in the roll of daddy. maybe eventually the father will come around and at least see his children.

Not to be a debbie downer, but I believe that 90% of the population cheats. I know most people would disagree, but I've learned a ton about life in the past year and I have a lot of people who confide many things to me, even strangers will confide in me because I just don't give out anyones secrets and I don't judge. I truly believe that nobody is exempt to cheating, I think it just happens sometimes and the human brain gets easily caught up in emotions and can't see what is wrong. It's crazy I know, but trust me on this, the people who claim their spouses are so perfect and would never ever cheat....they are naive to believing it can't happen to them. Some people hide their true selves extrememely well. It's so sad, but it's part of life. Marriages and relationships are very hard work, and in the beginning things are usually good and we all go through that honeymoon period and then as the years pass......and couples become more comfortable and settle into a daily routine....things can become to comfortable and you lose the intimacy and such, and then someone strays.....because maybe they are getting attention from someone outside the home, maybe because inside they are lonely, maybe because kids are taking up all the free time between the couple....there are so many reasons, it just happens.
It hurts and it's painful and it sucks, but you can't force him to want to get help or get back together with you. In the mean time, find friends to be around for support and to keep yourself busy and don't let him see that he's getting to you. You can't control what he does or what he wants, if he wants to get back together at some point, demand counseling, otherwise take care of yourself in the mean time, and love yourself first!

Wow, you have gotten some great advice here. He isn't treating you like he wants to be with you. You deserve better! Any man who cannot be bothered to take you to the hospital when you are having health problems just isn't worth your time or your worries. Focus on you, your son and your baby to be. Forget about him for now. And I wouldn't even THINK about dating! Why complicate your life further? Your priorities should be your children and yourself.

dates?! i think that would just confuse you and your child more. from what you are saying and describing i dont think you are in an emotional or even a physical state to even consider adding a stranger into the mix. if you have any long time friends now is the time to start leaning on some of them for support to take your mind off things. you need to give your husband some time to compose himself and get yourself composed. and then you need to come together and talk about the entire situation and how you both feel about your relationship. everyone makes mistakes, but if he isn't sorry and doesn't want to continue being married, a father etc. then you have to accept that and focus on you and your son and soon to be other child. i hope once you guys have time to get your thoughts together he will apologize and you can work things out, but you need to brace yourself for the worst and remember that you can get through anything. tomorrow brings a brighter day and a new chance to start fresh. things can only get better from how low you are now. keep your head up and take support from family and close friends. good luck

Hi, Selena
The first thing u did wrong was to moved out..however is done....Second it is normal to feel like a roller coaster of emotions, dont feel guilty about it.....
I would advice to stay still and find something to comfort u in the mean time (praying, meditating, reading) and try not to reach for him, or beg him or try anything to call his attention...At this point even though is his fault, he would find one million excuses not to get back to u or to justified what he did. Be careful what you say to him and even you have all the right to say it, is just not the right time to do so....but if you have a change to get back to leave under the same roof do so...This will be a start if you really want to save the relationship....

My only suggestion is to check out the following site. This site has wonderful helpful people. Make sure the read the stuff in the second link.
http://survivinginfidelity.com/welcome.asp
http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq.asp

S.,
I'm sorry you're going through this. Hopefully he will come to his senses. Would he agree to go to counseling? That might help. Or you could get some counseling alone to help sort out your thoughts and feelings.

As far as "dating" is concerned...I wouldn't. You are still a married lady and would you want to put your kids in that position? PLUS, you're pregnant. Let O. situation work itself out at a time. Right now I'd focus on your son and your baby being safe, cared for and healthy.
Then you need to determine if your marriage can be saved. If not, start divorce proceedings.

Hi, S.:
It's a terrible feeling when you wake up and realize that you weren't thinking too clearly when you made a decision to do something that you thought was right. It was right at the time. Now how to work through it. This is the tough part.

All your dreams are broken now and you are grieving the loss of a dream.
Grieve and you will heal eventually. In the meantime, do things to nurture yourself.

While doing that, find a support group meeting. Check out Co-Dependents Anonymous and find a meeting in your area. www.coda.org

Good luck. D.

I'm so so sorry to hear that your going thru this and I will keep you and your children in my prayers.

Give yourself time with your children and then think about dating. As for your husband, very few people stop cheating after they start. Good luck with your pregnancy and enjoy the kids regardless of your husband's infedility. He is going to miss out on your children.

The first part of your post sounds like you want to forgive him and work at reconciling, and then you start talking about dating. You are definitely confused. I recommend you talk with a professional therapist/councelor who can help you sort out your feelings. There's no sense in trying to figure out why he would do something like this, you need to focus on what you're going to do about it. Move forward.

Your main focus right now needs to be your children. Your children will help you to keep your mind off him.

Good luck.