ADHD 4 1/2 Year Old Son, Worried to Introduce Any Potential "Step-fathers"

I see your one child with ADHD and raise you three kids with ADHD and one also has autism spectrum. Yet my husband loves all of us.

I dated a few guys who wanted to date me, never really wanted to meet my kids. The longest was two years. I am a smart woman, why didn't I get that any man serious about me would have wanted to meet my kids sooner? Guess I am saying don't hold back the fact that your son has ADHD, it is a great way to figure out a guy's real intentions.

First night I met my husband he got to hear about my crazy ex, the struggles I had with my son with autism, the amazing things my ADHD kids can do that other's seem challenged by. He also got a good three hours of how much I hate the current administrations economic policies. Yet he kept dating me, yet he married me. It is so cool to see him talk about my son. He lights up like any proud dad talking about how much he has overcome and how well he is doing.

I am saying there are guys out there, don't settle!

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Looking at some of the answers I don't think people get what it is like to have a kid with a few issues. It is not that you plan to run out and marry the next guy you meet. At least for me when you divorce a man who is biologically their father and he doesn't seem to love them or want to be around them is it even possible that there is a man with no reason to love those kids that will.

Not sure if that makes sense but I only read this as a woman who had the same fears as I did. That every guy would want to date me but never be a part of my life. I met my husband five years after my divorce, apparently there are good men out there but the OP's fear is a valid one.

Wow really? Ready to start thinking about the next husband already?
Geez, take a breath. Go on some dates and have some fun while your kids are at their dads. A four year old shouldn't be subjected to any potential new "fathers" for a LONG time.
Take care of your needs on your time and leave your kids out of it.

enjoy your freedom, enjoy dating, and stop worrying about gauging each date as a potential step-father.
khairete
S.

It takes time to pull yourself together after a long drawn out divorce.
I wouldn't date for several years till I was emotionally over it and healed enough to have a healthy relationship and I'd concentrate on my kids.
If you must step out, don't introduce anyone to the kids for a few years.
You'll probably be playing the field (you should - don't be quick to settle for any relationship just to have one) and too many boyfriends coming and going is too much to put the kids through - so they should be unaware of it.
It's up to you to provide some stability for your kids.
Make it happen.

You're putting the cart WAY before the horse. You've just been through a long drawn out divorce. Was that so fun for you that you can't wait to move on to the next one? Date, go out and enjoy yourself but leave your kids completely out of it. You need to spend at least a few years building and establishing a new life and routine for them, and you.
Maybe someday you'll meet a wonderful man but in the meantime focus on being a wonderful woman, and mother, and keep your dating life away from your kids. They shouldn't have to deal with it at such a young age, it's just confusing and scary to them. I know, because I went through it as a kid and swore I would never put my kids through the same thing.

How long have you been divorced? That in itself can be unnerving for children because their stability is uprooted. You are going through major changes as well in your role as single mom.

I'm all for single moms to socialize but my priority would be to focus on creating new family stability for my children.

What's the rush to go meet a new guy? Take time for yourself to heal and grow from your recent split. Divorce is emotionally wearing for all parties involved. You children need you're than ever right now.

Let things happen without going out and pursuing dating material.

It took me a long time to realize that we ALL get to decide what is OK with us in a relationship. If a man works a lot (for example), and you don't like that, it doesn't matter that it's not a bad thing - YOU get to decide if it's OK with you. You can end it if you aren't happy with that. And it's the same thing for the guy - if he decides he can't handle your ADHD son, there's nothing you can do about it and you shouldn't even try. Let him go. HE gets to decide - trying to change his mind will just make grief for you and your son.

I have a son who has ADHD too. It can be a challenge, but I find the biggest challenge is dealing with people who do not understand that ADHD is real. So I say this with rich understanding - seriously, do not try to manage this in a relationship - let a relationship happen when it's right, and let go of anyone who can't handle it.

Good luck to you,
e

Give yourself time to socialize before thinking dating. You need to take time for you to be YOU without a man in the picture. You all need time to heal and be a unit together. As the child of multiple divorces, one thing that is aweful is having a parent that keeps trying to find what they need in other people. It doesn't work, and it's hurtful to the kids. Find peace with and for yourself and your son first. Go out with friends and have fun.

When it comes time to dating, you know that whoever you date seriously needs to be aware that you are a package deal. If you date seriously, they need to be marriage-worthy. Maybe introduce the person you date to your son when you start talking to each other about marriage. From experience, the parade of guys in and out of a divorced parent's (and the kid's) life is not fun.

Take your time.

I think it's absolutely fine to date. You probably need an escape into adult womanhood after a long drawn-out divorce. And right now I think that is ALL you should look at dating as. Be picky - it's okay to be picky. But enjoy yourself some, within reason. Just leave your kids out of it. When he asks, and he should, say yes you have two boys, no you're not ready to bring a man into their lives.

You really should date around. You need to make sure you don't fall for another version of your ex. Perhaps a little counseling would help with that. If you date around, you won't feel that you have to pick the first guy that comes around. And don't be pushed into sex right away. You want to control this relationship rather than letting him control it. (I'll bet that's what you've been going through long enough with a long drawn-out divorce.)

By the time you find someone special, your son will be older and you'll have a better feel for if a man is a keeper or not.

Good luck.

Here's my take:

There is no "right" time line for dating after a divorce. Date if you feel ready to.
Tell a man about your children when it feels right to tell him.
There are "good ones" who will not be turned off by your children (they may even have similar challenges that they are worried will scare YOU off).
If a date isn't ready or able to deal with your children, then the two of you aren't a match, and that's OK.
A man has the perfect right to end a relationship before or AFTER meeting your children, and it is up to you as their parent to be prepared for that possibility.
Be as clear as you can about your intentions in dating. If you are looking for a stepfather, that's different than if you are looking for an occasional adult night out. I believe the man need to know that relatively early on.

Good luck.

Give this future 'any man' the benefit of the doubt and don't prejudge him. Let him decide after you let him know your situation how HE feels. We just simply can't project the what ifs until we know the what is...oftentimes we decide for people without really listening to them what they want, they think and what they will do. Guilty here.I found be open, never know what wonderful human being might walk into your life.
I'm adding one more thing-date whenever you want whenever you are ready. Oftentimes people want you to have a long grieving time or sort it out time-the truth is you are going to be a bit lonesome and after a long drawn out divorce you may be perfectly ready in your own time schedule. You are living your life. But you don't have to hop into bed with everybody, just enjoy companionship. Sometimes best friends will make the best marriage partner.

If the "good ones" are turned off by the challenges of an ADHD child, he's not going to be a good dad anyways. My 7 year old (oldest of 4 boys) has ADHD and can be immensely challenging. Many things in life are immensely challenging, but a good dad will rise to the occasions and love the child and his wife through it all.

By the 3rd date I'd tell any suitors about your son, and ask if he has any experience dealing with a special needs child. Listen to him, read his body language. Talk to him about some of the special ways you care for your child; gauge his reaction. If he asks you for a 4th date, wonderful! As time goes on, ask him about his philosophy of child-rearing--discipline, etc. If he doesn't know much, that's ok, but is he willing to learn? Will he take parenting classes, especially tailored to special needs families?

Good luck!

It sounds as if possibly you are the kind of person who views dating as an endeavor that is intended to lead toward marriage eventually.

Is that right? Due to your upbringing or religious views or just your personal moral viewpoint, do you see dating as something to be done always with a view toward eventually finding a lifetime partner? There is nothing at ALL wrong with that attitude, BUT it does mean that if you take dating very seriously (as in, it's not just to get out and have some fun and relax, but having that fun always with one eye on "Is this a potential husband, eventually?") -- then you need to reconsider dating at all, at this time.

I would normally agree with those saying, go out, enjoy some dates and getting to know some new adults as friends. But having known a couple of folks -- both women and men! -- who viewed dating much more as a path to the eventual end of marriage or a lasting relationship, I would say that if you feel that way about it, you should wait until your son's meds are straightened out and he's older and better established in his medical needs and is more established in a school setting, has activities and friends and stability there, etc.

The fact that you are already thinking far ahead -- too far, to me -- to the idea of "guys I date could be potential husbands/stepdads" tells me that maybe you view dating that way. Again, that is fine, and many folks would benefit from treating dating a little more seriously like that! But if it's like that for you, then perhaps you need to just keep the focus on your son and his needs right now and not introduce any new worries for yourself by dating. If you can date more casually - and not be tempted to introduce any dates to your son for a LONG time to come -- then that's fine too.

But don't date and then cave in to the feeling that you need to introduce dates to your son, even in a "This is Bob and we're going out while Sally babysits you" way. I know too many moms (and dads!) who did that kind of thing and the kids soon got tired of meeting the dates since they'd never see them again, usually.

Spend time socializing. I would not jump into dating just yet.

Your son is a Mommy's boy because he is in preschool. Preschoolers love Moms ! And that is wonderful !

When a child with needs is involved---Marriage is more challenging !
I know that first hand ! Talking as a couple (When the time comes) with a counselor would help immensely !

Once your son is a tad older, he will be in school all day and have activities and hw. He will need you to be by his side the first few yrs of school to keep a routine/structure going.

It may never be "easy" , but, it will worth it. Kids with ADHD are special !

Ty Pennington and Howie Mandel are just 2 ADDers, I can think of. I love them both !

I honestly would only casually date until my kids were older. There is no need for someone you are casually dating to meet your kids. When you get to a point in their development where they no longer need you as much then I would focus more on finding a partner for myself. If "the one" shows up unexpectedly during that time that is great, but if he does not like your kids he is not the one anyways.

You just take this one day at a time. There is someone for everyone. You have the right idea, date first, then introduce the kids and if he doesn't like your kids get rid of him.

I met my husband when my daughter was 12. I always say, "I am amazed that he didn't run". She is an adult now and when she has a problem, she calls him. It all worked out.

Don't worry about the future.

You might be surprised by some of the guys out there. A very good friend of ours seems to only be attracted to women with children. He is an amazing guy and is already a great "father" to his roommate. (He's more of a parent to her than her mother, the roommate.) now if he could just find a girl that has her life together ...

There really are some guys out there that know you are your kids are more than worth the effort.

I have never been a single mom, but I didn't date much, had a pretty long dry spell before meeting my husband and really did start to wonder if there was something wrong with me and maybe guys didn't think I was worth the effort.

Try to remember that you really are worth the effort. Now make sure the guy is worth your effort!

You may find that you need to put off dating until your son is a bit older. When my daughter was that age, she didn't like anyone I dated, no matter how nice or inclusive they were to her. I just gave it up until she got older and starting having a social life of her own. She still didn't like it, but she was old enough to deal with it.

Updated

You may find that you need to put off dating until your son is a bit older. When my daughter was that age, she didn't like anyone I dated, no matter how nice or inclusive they were to her. I just gave it up until she got older and starting having a social life of her own. She still didn't like it, but she was old enough to deal with it.