Having My 4 Year Old in Birthing Room

I wouldn't do it. You son is only 4 and they will bond just fine without him seeing his Mommy in such pain which he wil not understand and it will most likely all terrify him. I see no point in placing a child of that age in that position. I think you feel a bit the same way or you wouldn;t be asking the question. Use your Mommy instincts regardless of what the midwife says. She isn't his Mother.

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Hi C. :)
If your midwife thinks its a good idea, who's to argue that as she is a professional- but I have had a waterbirth at a birthing center & it is something that I would never subject my child to. It was many, many hours of pain & pushing- not knowing what to do with yourself as your child walks around seeing this I think is a bad idea.. You never know how these things will go- I didnt want anyone to see me in that state let alone my son (2 when I had his brother) its hard on dad- imagine your child... Its wonderful that you can handle going natural but I dont think kids should be involved in it- its creepy and disturbing when you think about it, but it is something we women must go thru.. Sorry to be negative!!! Just my opinion as I have been there... Good luck to you sweetie & I hope it goes quick & easy!!!

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Ditto exactly what Marcia F said. I do not think, no matter how prepared you think you have made him, that a 4 year old can process what is going on in a delivery. Screaming, blood, etc. That is no place for a preschooler.

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Ok so prepare yourself for HUGE differences in opinions on this subject... here is my story.. in 2007 I was pregnant with my 4th child.. a daughter.. I have 3 sons.. age 15, 9 and 2 (at the time).. we were all looking forward to having a lil girl and my boys are very close to me.. I wanted them to share in the joy of thier precious sister's birth... the 2 older ones were at my head and could see her head come out and the 2 yr old was right beside me... it was an amazing experience.. the 2 yr old said.. "baby".. when he saw her and was so happy "sissy' was here.. the doctor and nurses raved about how well behaved and how well they handled it.. now I talked to them in detail on thier level for weeks before her birth.. the 2 yr old was told over and over his sissy was in my tummy and she was coming out soon..we had a doll about the size of a newborn and he was not allowed to play rough with it.. we taught him to be sweet to the doll.. we told him that Mommy might not talk sometimes but it was okay cause she was working on getting sissy out.. you would be amazed how much they understand.. I answered any questions they had as honestly as I could... the 2yr old asked how she was coming out.. I told him that because I was the Mommy I had a special place by my butt that she would come out.. my boys adore thier sister.. they hardly ever fight and she is so nurturing with them. She is now almost 2 and I wouldnt change one thing about her birth. Thier daddy was there and Grandma too... we packed snacks, crayons, books, toys in a back pack, we packed it about a week before so that the 2yr wasnt instantly bored, we told him it was his special going to get sissy back pack.. the older ones had a laptop and video games... you just need a lil preperation and it can go smoothly. This is not a fairy tale.. it is my life, it really happened.. I did have an epidural towards the end but went thru about 9 hrs of labor before getting it.. the children learned that when Mommy was breathing funny it wasnt a good time to talk to her.. they even rubbed my feet and back some during labor.. just think about how you handle pain.. if you are a screamer or get agitated easily when in pain.. probably not a good idea.. but if you are calm and can breathe thru it.. and if your son is calm and is prepared.. you will do GREAT!! I did have a back up plan.. if anything did go wrong (THANK GOD IT DIDNT) my mom was prepared to take the 2 younger ones to the waiting room.. So there's my story.. if you have any questions please feel free to message me.

Btw... my bday is 12/5.. its an amazing day to be born. =D Please let me know how it goes.. I would love to hear your story! GOD BLESS!!

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I guess I'm an odd ball too, but as beautiful the experience is, I am not sure I would want my 4 year old traumatized by the pushing, the crying, the sweating of his mom in labor and then see me naked in the water and then a baby pops out with blood and a string hanging. That would be a bit too graphic for him to watch. I know some adults who can't stomach that much less a child. If he is there, I would want him there immediately after the birth and cleanup, but that's just me. The decision is always personal.

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My friend back in Michigan let her son and daughter go in when the last baby was born. Neither of them wanted anything to do with her after she was born. They said she hurt Mommy and was ucky!!!! My advice, a birthing room is no place for small children. Have him there and let him go in after the birth but not during. Children grow up fast enough as it is without learning about childbirth at four years of age. Allow him to be a child.

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Make sure he knows you will be experiencing the pain of delivery and that his presence will help alleviate that pain. He's 4, young, but seems to be grounded. As long as he knows none of this is his fault...that your screams and yelps and deep breathing are totally expected...perhaps he will even help you breathe through the birth. It gets bloody, so prepare him for that, too...
Best wishes and many blessings

I would take into consideration how your child does with blood and how they respond to you when you hurt yourself. I have 3 boys and they are all very different in their responses. I know for certain my middle son (3 yrs old) would flip out. My oldest son would be more calm (5.5 yrs old) I would not even consider having my youngest in the room (19 months) And this is assuming the best, no screaming or signs of serious pain.

I was planning on doing this with my second one, but our 3yr old at the time slept through the entire thing! LOL I think it is a great opportunity for bonding and education for them too! Many would argue that its too traumatic, however when birthing at a birth center it is usually a very calm and peaceful setting, not the craziness of the hospital. It's just a natural part of life.

Hey C.,
I happenned to come across a great video on youtube yesterday before reading your question. The woman was giving birth in a birthing tub and her two children were in the tub with her. It was pretty cool! I went back to find it for you, but I can't remember how I found it!! I know my original search was for hypnobirthing, and then several clicks later I ended up on that video. Below is a link of another waterbirth and if you look closely, it looks like her child is at the edge of the tub watching. Good luck!! If you haven't looked into Hypnobirthing check it out. I had a wonderful experience giving birth in a hospital, with no medical interventions using the techniques to reamin calm a peaceful throughout my entire labor. Next time, I would like to do a water birth also!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSsaJ0Zno9s
http://www.compleatmother.com/homebirth/hb_siblings.htm
http://www.homebirth.org.uk/siblings.htm
http://www.mothering.com/discussions/archive/index.php/t-...

Hi C.,

I have had 2 water births at home. I have 3 children. My daughter was 2 and a half when my son was born, then my daughter was 6 and my son 4 when my 2nd son was born. After a lot of discussion and research we decided the children did not need to see mommy in any kind of distress, that may have been more memorable than seeing their sibling coming into the world. The children knew mommy was birthing their brother, they saw the midwife and Douala coming in and out of our room. After the birth we invited the children in to meet their new brother. It was beautiful, I will remember it always. At a year later, the children have just about forgotten all of it. :)
For us, we made the birthing about us, my husband and I. That was it, no family or friends in and out of the room, no interruptions. Only the Douala and Midwife but they were quite and not really involved.
Our children's bond could not be any stronger. We wouldn't change a thing. I hope this helps...

Will you be birthing naturally? If so, have you heard of Hypnobirthing? http://www.hypnobirthing.com/ My delivery was virtually pain free! A little intense at the end but almost completely pain free. It was great!! I highly suggest using the hypnobirthing technique. I told my husband I want to have another baby just to do the delivery again. :) (he said "NO" lol...)

Good luck with your pregnancy! and congratulations! it's such a wonderful experience..

R.

I guess I'm the oddball that disagrees IMPO. I think you need to decide and not the midwife. It's your birthing process and your experience... not her's.

Good luck and congrats :)

C.
hi congradulations. I have a 4 yr old son and a 18 month old daughter. And take care of a 20 month old neice every now and then . My son is Wonderful and is completley in love with his sister. I am not sure it will make a difference if your son is there or not . I think you as the mom will know which way to go . good luck .
C.

My son was 6 when I had my second child and he was in the room with me...It did make him feel very special. My niece was 6 and she was there when her mother gave birth. My sister wanted to get her out of the room, but my niece didn't want to leave. She was there all the time supporting her mother.

What I suggest is that you have an additional person in the room, other than your husband, to pay attention to him in case he has any questions, gets scared or doesn't want to be there. Run with the flow, let him make the decision.

I say let your son make the choice. He will probably say yes, out of curiosity alone - but he should be (gently) prepped for how intense things are likely to get. Also, there should be a relative, or friend, on hand for his needs alone (not as a birthing spectator). If he gets hungry, or sleepy, or wants to go play, or leave the building entirely (which might happen) that person will be there for him. Another benefit is that you can totally focus on the birth and not worry your other child is scared in a corner somewhere. As for your midwives beliefs - that's fine and all, but don't feel pressured with HER beliefs. You know your family, and you know what's best.

Good luck and congrats.

Hi C.! Well, I do not have experience YET in this, but I am scheduled to be induced on Monday, and I am ABSOLUTELY going to include my 3 year old daughter in the process. There is no way that I would want her to miss something so special. We are done having kids after this one, so this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to see a sibling born into this world. My daughter is also extremely involved in the pregnancy, and I can't imagine not having her right there for the whole thing. I birthed her naturally..this time I am opting for the epidural b/c I did not have a great experience. I think she might have been frightened to see me in birth # 1...b/c it really, really hurt. I had a sit down with her last night, so that she knows what to expect. She knows all about the baby coming out of my vagina..so no surprises there...but I did explain that she might see me cry, or scream even, but that it is okay and that the nurses and doctors are there to help me. This might be kind of gross, and TMI, but for her to better understand, I told her it will feel similar to when she has a really hard poop that she is having a hard time to get out. That seemed to click with her, and she asked if she could bring her dr kit to "fix" me when baby brother comes out. So now the dr kit is in my bag, ready to go! We, luckily, live very close to the hospital...so I am going to wait to have her brought once I am in rather full labor..so she doesn't get bored. My wonderful neighbor also made her a hospital bag, with some crafts and puzzles to entertain her during that time. I know I didn't quite answer your question, with experience...but I say 100% yes, let him be a part of something so special!!! And ps..if it doesn't work out so well...I will write you back!!!
:) A.

We are planning for an upcoming homebirth for #3 and intend to have the kids and grandma present. The 2 yr old will probably not understand much and we have a plan in case he wants mommy more than I can provide, but the 4 yr old will likely be more involved, hopefully :-)

I think it's a wonderful thing to have them be present and involved as much as they are comfortable with. The chance can't really be replaced. I am planning to have someone there to be with the kids and someone to video/ take pics of all the special moments. So different than the hospital....

Best wishes to you and your family!

I personally think it might be a bit awkward, just cause I'm the type to not even have people around when I'm getting dressed. Thats me though. But definitely there are a few things to consider. First would be that he will probably just be a normal 4 year old playing and jumping around wanting to touch things or even be in the water with you. Would you feel comfortable having that type of distraction? Secondly though it is a good age to introduce him to that type of scenery since he probably wont understand much of what is going on. So it wont be too traumatizing. I have not been in your situation but GOOD LUCK! Wish you the best for a natural labor!

FWIW, my daughter was 5 last year when my son was born. I delivered via c- section, so she was not there for the birth. But this did not interfere with them bonding. She came to the hospital the day after he was born and held him there. Ever since they have been very close. She calls him "her boy", wants to hold/carry him everywhere, is very concerned about him, etc. He's the first person she wants to see when she gets up in the morning and home from school and has to kiss him goodnight before going to bed. She has shown no signs if jealousy at all. Every kid us different, but just wanted you to hear our experience in case you feel pressured to fo something you are not comfortable with because you are afraid they won't br as bonded.

my 21 month old (at the time) was in the room with us during labor/birth. we didn't plan it that way, but everything was going too fast. my inlaws were supposed to take her, but they didn't get there in time. so hubby, dd1 and myself all went to the birthcenter with no one to care for dd1. i needed hubby w/ me, so he held her in his lap and explained what was happening. she was worried for me at first, but she did really great. when dd2 was born, dd1 helped hold her...and said "High five!" fully expecting a response =)
will always be one of my favorite memories.
now that dd2's birth happened the way it did, i'm really happy that dd1 was there to see it.

they are now 3yrs old and 16months old. they get along *great*. they are so affectionate toward each other. they do fight, as all sibling do and are currently going through a phase where neither of them like to share, but it hasn't always been like that and i know this phase will pass.

I'm having a home waterbirth in January, and while my 4 and 5 year olds will be there, we're going to just go with the flow on whether or not they want to watch and/or participate. My mom and sister will be there to take care of them, so they'll have someone's undivided attention. We've talked about the birth a lot, we've watched water births on youtube, and they watched 2 of our cat's kittens being born, so I feel like they've got a good grasp on whats going to happen. I say go with your instincts on this- you know your child and yourself better than anyone else, and are the most qualified to decide. If you do decide to have your son there, I'd highly suggest having someone there just for him, so hubby can focus on being there for you.
Good luck and have a wonderful birth!
K., doula and mom

I haven't had this experience but it sounds to me that it would be beautiful if he's included. I'd recommend there be an adult with him at all times and that he'd be allowed to leave the room if he felt like it. Wish you a happy experience. Let us know how it goes.

You know your child. I would say have another adult present whose job it is to look after your older child so you and your husband can focus on the birth. If he wants to stay he can stay, if he wants to leave he can leave.

Hi C.,
My first thought is that this decision should be yours and not your midwife's. As a birthing woman, you need to be completely focused on the work that is involved in labor and not worried about how your son, or anyone else for that matter, is handling the birth. That said, I did have my 4 1/2-year-old daughter and 6 1/2-year-old son at my homebirth and it worked fine. I had a friend in attendance to just take care of them and I left it up to the kids how much they wanted to see. Trust your instincts - you know yourself and your family beter than anyone. Have a great birth!
T. - doula and childbirth educator

Hi! I agree with the response that you & your family must decide who will be present...not the midwife. I will also say that as a nurse & a mom, you need to prepare in many ways. I would suggest if you do decide to have your child there, have a designated person to take care of him, in case things dont go as planned or in case he decides its too much for him. I would also agree that you need to prepare him for what will happen & the noises & the people that will be there etc. Some kids get really freaked out by their mom being in pain etc. They also want to be close to you to bring you comfort, but it may not be the most comfortable thing for you. Most importantly...and above all else TALK to your child & see what he says about being there & if he wants to be. My child was 6 when my second as born. She was not in the room b/c i was sectioned......but i didnt know if i was going to have a cesarean so i asked her if she wanted to be in the room. She told me (she knew that the babies come out all goopy etc) so she, in her infinite wisdom, told me she wanted to see the baby later.....after they were "all cleaned up." She was a bit older than your son, but she knew her limits. And she made the right call....b/c my iv site was not pretty & she almost passed out when she saw that...so there is NO way she would have done well being in the room if i had a regular delivery. She loved knowing that she was one of the first people that know if it was a boy or a girl & she was the 3rd person in our family to hold the baby & she had a hand in naming etc. She was satisfied with those & so were we! I wish you happiness, peace, love & wisdom in your delivery & beyond. God bless!

I think Jena J. said it best! The only advice I would add is that somehow you need to let your son know that if he sees you crying or in pain, that it's ok. My son was 3 when my daughter was born. When he came to the hospital to see us, I was SO happy to see him that I started crying. The more I tried to stop, the more I cried - Hormones didn't help. Anyway, my son was not used to seeing me cry and he was scared! It took him a little while before he even wanted to come near me. When I did go sit next to him, we talked about me crying and then he was better and gave me a hug. Your son is a year older so maybe this won't be an issue - just something to think about, I didn't ahead of time and in hindsight wish I could've prepared him. Another idea - Children's hospitals have people called Child Life Specialists - these are people trained to explain medical procedures to children at their developmental level - you may want to call one in your area and see if they have any suggestions on how to explain certain things your son will see in terms he will understand. Kids are curious, but sometimes they only want/need a little explanation and we (adults) can tend to give too much information. Just a thought - I applaud you for having a natural water birth and including him - if he wants. Best of Luck!