Have I Created a Situation with My 16Month Old That Can’t Be Helped?

I wish I could shout this from the rooftops: Don't ever let a baby cry it out! It terrifies them and causes strong feelings of betrayal and abandonment. Sounds like we're on the same page with that issue.

A lot of families have little ones in their bed so everyone can sleep more. I'm all for it! Little ones need a lot of comfort. They aren't sure you're still there when they can't see and touch you. They grow out of it but it may be years. Meantime, why go thru this? If you have a safe sleep situation (not a water bed or adults who are intoxicated/drugged or extremely obese, I'd let her sleep with you. What I did, since my husband couldn't deal with kids in the bed, was put a folded quilt on the floor next to me, then when the waking started, I moved my baby there so I could nurse, touch, sooth etc. thru the rest of the night. Usually I could get up in the morning for a bit before she woke up. This beat getting up 10x and having her miserable.

Good for you for breastfeeding and being so sensitive to your kids! You sound like a great mom!

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You have some really good responses, but I thought I would give you a little extra advice.

Teaching them to cry it out isn't a cold turkey type situation. Start off with 5 minutes - or less if you need to - of crying, then go in and soothe your child. Don't take her out of the crib, just rub her hand or back and tell her it is alright, you will get her after she naps and when she wakes up, then walk back out of the room. Before you go back in the next time, add another minute or so on. This really helped my daughter to not get so upset she would cough and then vomit. After about 2-3 days with this routine, she is a great sleeper now. She does have a "lovey" for bedtime, and we bought about 5 identical ones in case they get lost or look really filthy. However, she knows that her bunny-blanket "lives" in bed and has to stay there after she gets out of bed. Good luck!

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Yes; listen to your sister. Because if you are a believer in discipline, you are otherwise paving the way for a breach of independence, 'who's in charge', and plain and simply control. Fast forward to the teens years. "MOOOmmmmm! I need this" ("or I'll throw a hissy fit") The baby needs to self soothe. If you do this gradually, fine; whatever works. But allow it to continue and you'll be dancing to her tune for longer than self soothe would last! This is part of being a parent. Why should it be just you anyway? Dad can get up.

if you do try the cry it out method, you may be surprised at how little time it takes. of course, the older they are, the longer the process (usually). i also developed "bad habits" with my firstborn daughter (rocking her to sleep, even at naptimes) and so we did have to resort to crying it out. yeah, it totally sucked, but she gained independence and learned how to get herself to sleep in the end, so i think it was well worth it. besides, only a few days of crying will more than make up for all the sleep you (& her!) could be getting when she learns to put herself back to sleep. sleep is SO important for her, and for mom!!
now that i'm on baby # 3, it's easier to recognize when you're starting a "bad habit" and stop it before it starts!
best wishes!

We had a similar situation...in hind-sight you would always do something differently. My son is extremely attached to my hair...asking for "hair" anytime he is drowsy. We are expecting our second child in December and I knew that to function and be a good mom, I needed more sleep. Although, I was exhausted enough to try crying it out, our son was going through a vomiting stage and would make himself throw up. My husband put his foot down and agreed to help.
So, we finally got him out of our bed by doing the following. We put a twin mattress on the floor in his room first next to his crib, well he never started sleeping in his crib although he got comfortable enough with it to start playing in it. My husband and I took turns sleeping in the twin mattress with him. And we soon discovered that our son would sleep better with my husband. And so now, my husband lays down with our son until he falls asleep and then sleeps in a sleeping bag on the floor next to the mattress. We are going away this weekend, but when we get back, the next step is to leave the room after he is asleep and go back to him if needed in the night. The minute I take over he wakes in the middle of the night and asks for milk and throws a fit and stays awake for an hour to an hour and a half.
I know our situation will not work for everyone and I'll probably get a lot of slack for admitting to our bad habits, but everyone's situation is different and every child is different and you should do what works for you. My sister and her husband are big supporters of crying it out too. And it does work and did nicely for them. But when we did it earlier in our son's life, it did not work as nicely and that is why my husband put his foot down.
Good luck!

Ummm.....I don't understand some of these responses. Letting a toddler cry at night, for probably only one night or two at the most, will not create strong feelings of betrayal or abandonment. That is absolutely not true. Children need to learn to soothe themselves and if anyone says that is not being a parent then maybe they have the attachment issues, not the children. You are going to then end up letting your daughter and possibly your other child sleep with you....for who knows how many years. Do you really not want to have some sort of sanctuary in your own house where only you and your husband can just be together without the children? If you don't let her learn to fall asleep, then you won't get any sleep either...but for a longer period of time. It's hard to hear your child cry about anything, but you have to stay strong and remember that you are doing it to teach her to sleep, not doing it to be a mean parent.

My heart goes out to you momma. I have been in your shoes. It is awful. At this point your baby and you should be getting a full nights sleep. I have to agree with your sister. Crying it out will probably be the only way to get her used to soothing herself. My youngest child had similar issues and we rocked her to sleep until 9 months. At that point I was just too tired to keep it up. Because she also would wake up in the night and need me to rock her back to sleep. I like you was also was afraid of her waking up my other child. If you put a fan in your other childs room it will dull the noise and chances are your husband and other children will not be bothered by it. I would recommend starting with nap that way everyone else is awake anyway. Start with nap and have a routine. Maybe a book or lovey or something to get her sleepy. Once she is sleepy tell her that you are putting her in her bed and it is time to sleep. I would let her cry 5 minutes and go in. Check on her. Do not pick her up. Pat her back let her know you love her, but it is time to sleep. With my kids I would do this a couple times. Sometimes in the beginning they may get so worked up that they cannot calm themselves down. At that point if she is crying for more than 15-20 min pick her up and see if maybe she needs a diaper or something else. This is not an all or nothing thing. If the first time she is just too worked up don't think it will not work. Just try again. The first night and day are the worst, but I was amazed because the second night my daughter cried like 2 minutes and fell asleep. After that she did not cry anymore. Because you child is older it may take a little longer. I understand it is hard to hear her cry, but both of my children cried it out and they are not scarred. They still trust me and I have heard people say they won't cry even if something is really wrong. That is false. Both of my kids wake me by crying if they are running fevers or if they are ill. Once the crying is not a habit at night you will recongnize that they cry only when something is really wrong. Hang in there. This too shall pass!

Kudos to you Mom for creating a situation where your child knows she can depend on you! Yes, you need some sleep! You are a wise woman to follow the instincts of your heart in regard to crying it out - children are not things that need to be "broken of habits" - they are little people with feelings and need to be nurtured and cared for constantly. Everytime you meet your babies need, you reassure her that the world is a good place and Mom is there. My children are grown adults who were never left to cry it out and we had quite the opposite kind of children that people have referred to here as being spoiled and throwing fits - our kids were confident toddlers and pre-schooler and onward BECAUSE their needs were met as a baby. Now they have spread their wings and flown the nest as young adults.

Mom - I know you will come up with a solution to this matter of meeting your babies needs. You are the expert with your child.

I used to let mine lay in my arms on the couch till she fell asleep, and everytime she woke up there was a repeat. Letting her just cry isn't as bad as it seems, and if young enough doesn't take as long. As long as she isn't crying so hard she will be fine. You don't want to start the blanket or stuffed animal thing either, that will create another new situation. It only took a couple of nights and we were all good. Good luck K..

It's OK!! She's only little once and it's perfectly fine to sooth your child and 'parent' at night. My son is 2 1/2 and sleeps in our room in his own bed and sleeps through the night just fine. I feel like the bond that is started in the first couple years helps later! It's only a short time..

Check out The No Cry Sleep Solution though too.. it has helpful ideas

Hi La Shelle---I truly empathize with your problem. That such seemingly simple routines could create problems in the future is mind-boggling.

My advice for you, and the advice I give to all of my wellness clients, is to do some research and maybe ask that question of the Dr. Sears family. Dr. Bill has written over 30 books with his nurse/wife Martha, and his sons Dr. Jim and Dr. Bob also practice with him. Dr. Jim is one of the Dr.s on the ABC show, The Doctors. Their website is www.askDrSears.com. There is a interactive question and answer option on that website.

I know that these are caring, compassionate Doctors. I've had the pleasure of working with them for the past 5 years in my home based business. See what they say. Good luck, D.

Hello La Shelle, Your sister has given you good advice. As parents our hearts do break, but it is not about us. It is only the beginning for you of setting boundries with your daughter. Yet it is for her own good as much as it hurts. The rest of the family will have to bear the weight of a baby in the house also. You cannot protect everybody, and you should not be the only one sacrificing. Families should go through joys and difficulties together, or they simply are not a team. You will begin to be devalued and miss understood. If they cannot get a taste of what you experience, then they will think you do not experience anything. Your daughter will be ok, just as she will when you will not allow her to play in the street. Being a parent is the hardest job on earth. Yet it is also the most rewarding. Remember, family is a unit. Good luck.

Been there! You haven't 'created' this situation, this is your daughter's personality, and if she didn't cry for your caress she would cry for something else she found soothing from you. I felt the same as you that I was the only one that suffered and didn't think the others should go through it, until after 2-3 years, I suffered from TRUE sleep deprivation that caused problems in every other area of my life. The cure? Well, my child was 3, not 1 1/2, so there is a difference, and I let him cry it out. By the 3rd night all was well. Have the rest of the family sleep over somewhere else if they can't take it, don't think that your well being should be last. Hang in there, sleep will happen!

I am not anti or pro letting them cry it out. It depends on the child. Think of your childs personality and judge from that. Our daughter was and is very logical... She responded well to the "cry it out" ways... She realized very quickly (10 min or so) that what she was doing wasn't working and would stop crying and do what we wanted her to afterwards (even as an infant). Her brothers on the other hand are more emotional and stubborn... They would cry for HOURS and then need HOURS of soothing to calm them down...

I always found that explaining things to them and staying consistant with your expectations helps alot. Kids know more and can process more than we think they can.

The whole hand thing may have NOTHING to do with you. lol
My cousins soother was arm hair. (I know odd, but it worked) My sister would calm right down if you held her right foot firmly. My brother would calm WAY down... To the point of being asleep instantly if we took a finger and stroked the side of his face...

Everyone has what I call their "off button"... Something that is soothing to them. Perhaps putting a pair of mittens on her while she sleeps would give her the feeling of comfort that she needs to sleep. Or it could agrivate her to no end... But you never know unless you try. Find a pair that fits her... Do not worry about seperating the fingers. And make sure they can go on easily and arn't too tight on her hands. Give it a week or so unless she has one of the over the top negative reactions to it...

I had something similar with my 2nd son. But the ONLY way to break it is to let him learn how to self-soothe. I put a fan outside his room and next to my head to help with the noise. That helped alot. I'd go in and pat him on the back and reassure him but then I promptly left the room. Yes there will be tears - both mom and baby. Yes, everyone will lose sleep. But if you are strong and work hard, it will only be a couple of nights. And self-soothing is a life-long lesson that needs to be learned by everyone. Better a couple nights and her learning the lesson early then months more of crabby sleepy mommy and unhappy kid up several times a night. The latter just isn't helpful for anyone and there are no benefits. You can do it!

:o) G.
Mom of 2 great boys, 5 & 7

Hi L., my name is K..
I would like to encourage you with the fact that "your Sister is right....let your daughter 'cry it out'". You will survive.....and so will your daughter. Sometimes it can easily take up to a week for her to realize that this is the way it is going to be from now on....however: your precious daughter will eventually give up the fight for your attention during the night and gently fall back to sleep. BTDT.....I survived to share this with you. I had to go to the room farthest away from my daughters room in order to make it through the first couple of times /nights.....it is hard...you will cry....but you are not a Bad Mommy because you are doing this! You are teaching her new boundaries in your family. Listen to your Sister.....she has given you solid advise.
My thoughts are with you during this tough time in your little ones life. You can do it!
~K. T~
ps....the others in the house will survive too....don't give in to them telling you to 'hush' the baby....this is a family and you all are in this together. A new word many of the teens around me are using is this: "DEAL".

You might try putting her on the floor next to you, even putting her crib mattress there. Or just let her sleep with you...She just wants her Mom! Our kids were in and out of our bed for years. I found it was less stressful than getting up all the time. I know alot will disagree with me. I guess it depends how you feel about it. I just never thought my little ones' needs stopped just because it was night time! As they got older (we had 3 in 4 1/2 years) I put them in bed together and they slept like kittens! The cry it out thing was never an option for me either.

L.; hahahah funny the exact same thing happened to me and my second child, the first child was pat his back, the second wanted and needed his hand held cause i did that when he nursed, he would wake up in the middle of the night and come in our room, but i had put a mattreess under my bed, and had it all made up for sleeping, when the little ones came into our room we pulled out that mattress and it was much easier to hold his hand while i too could lay down on my bed, it eventually went away, and i cherished those times he relied on me to hold his little hand, actually i dont think you can break it its just a time thingy , and dissappears as time goes by, i dont really like the cry me to sleep method, ive done it when they were a bit older when i knew they were ok, but those little ones dont knwo how to communicate yet, and they cant say im uncomfortable and peed ? or whatever, their way of communication is to cry , or to make a noise, and it usually signals a need needs to be met, when children do not have their needs met, they do not turn out emotionally stable, its perfectly normal to also take care of their little needs, they do need attenton and affection and they do get scared and need us there to help then through this, a very young child cannot just comfort himself, to get back to sleep they need that hnad holding or to know you are just there, even us when we cant sleep we might wake up another adult and tell them we had a scary dream or get up and get a snack or a drink of water, or even to go to the bathroom, why do we expect our kids to be any different? either way continue to love your child and if that means they need their hand held, by all means hold their hand, one day they wont wanty ou to and you will find another means to take care of their issues, or needs, have a wonderful day and continue to be the mom you are!! D. s

You need to break this NOW!!! Oh my gosh, you need your sleep and your daughter will thank you when she gets older!

Our first daughter was waking up once a night for a bottle and finally when she was a year old friends told us that that was not normal....that she should be sleeping through the night. Soooo we let her cry it out...she would cry a few min and I would go in (not pick her up) and pat her tummy or back and tell her it was ok and to go to sleep. Then wait 5 min....same thing....then wait 8 min.......same thing....then she would fall asleep. Next night...same thing happened....so I did the same routine, but lengthend the time in between going in....she only cried enough for me to go in twice....I believe it was. Since then she has been a GREAT sleeper!!!

You have to break the cycle.... Do it now before she is in school and still needs you to do that....talk about getting teased!

Good luck, stay strong and just do it....you have no other option and if you can make it through a few nights of her crying it out....or a week....it will be worth it!

S. :D

HI.,...

I'm sorry you are going through this. I too went through similar things with my daughter. She nursed and would fall asleep after almost all her feedings. and would wake in the night for me. So, I incorporated a new thing..

At first I would take her out and hold her close to me(I was trying to stop night time feedings) and hmm or sing softly and walk around the house with her.. then as the sleep depreviation kicked in.. I would just go in her room and just rub her until she feel asleep without lifting her out. Some days, I'd be one the floor with my hand through the bars rubbing her hand.

SHE GREW OUT OF IT SHORTLY AND DIDNT' NEED ME ANYMORE..

Another thought. take your sleep shirt from the night before and wrap her in it or put it in her bed near her.. so she can smell you near! :)

I created a VERY similar monster in my now 9 year old son when he was born. He was my first and I didn't know any better. When I would nurse him, and subsequently feed him his bottles, he would lay in my arms and with his hand play with my hair - run his fingers through it, twist it around his fingers, etc. - until he fell asleep. By the time he was 2 and I was working full time and pregnant with #2, it became a GREAT physical strain on me to have to lay with him at night til he fell asleep. I found myself one night when I was about 6 1/2 months pregnant, after a particularly grueling day at work, on my knees at the side of his bed with my head laying on his pillow so he could play with my hair, and in tears from being sooo completely exhausted and wishing that just this once my husband could put him to bed.

I wish I could tell you some wonderful strategy that we discovered that would help you out. Unfortunately, I just had to get to the point where I just couldn't continue to do it for him any more. My husband couldn't tell me it was time - I had to decide for myself that I just didn't have any more in me. Once I reached that point, it was just a matter of him going cold turkey. It was hard - VERY hard! My husband had to talk me down several times from just going back in there "just this one time" because he was able to recognize that that one time would create an expectation in our son that crying hard enough and loud enough would get him another time. It took about 10 days - the first 3-4 were awful but after that it was all downhill. By the time my 2nd son was born, we had a smooth sailing night-time routine and my first was going to bed easy as pie. It is tough, it isn't fun, but it works. The thing is, YOU have to be ready for it or you will never follow through and that is even worse because it sets up conflicting expectations for your child.

Good luck!!

Hi La Shelle,

I see you have quite a few suggestions to let her cry it out. That is definitely a good way but if you don't want to do that I do have another suggestion. Have you tried giving her a baby doll that she can rub the hand of? (There are dolls out you can put a warm watter bottle in for a more lifelike doll.) You can transition her by letting her rub your hand for a minute or two then switchng to the doll's hand (go back and forth) until she'll get the same satisfaction from the doll. That is a self-soothing technique because she has to find the doll. I think it's ok to let them get attached to something that will help them calm down and relax as needed. My youngest attached himself to craft feathers and still needs one to fall asleep at night. He's 8 now. If he wasn't special needs then I'm sure he would have given it up by now but I'm not concerned either way. He only wants them when he's getting ready to fall asleep. Even as adults we need something special to help us get to sleep (like our own beds for starters). Don't worry about her getting attached to something. It's all about being a toddler/child.

Hope this helps some - S.

I feel for you, I really do. I am in the same boat with my 16-month old. There has to be something that works, right? Crying it out is pretty horrible, to me, so you won't get that advice here. Check out "The No Cry Sleep Solution" from the library. It does more than give ideas on how to curb this behavior; it tells WHY it could be happening. It's so much easier for me when I know why she's acting the way she is. Good luck, and stay strong. The evidence against crying it out is mounting. Don't go against your gut!

Oh, and regarding those who say that parenting is hard and this is one of those instances: that's why I'm there for my daughter whenever she needs me and I don't make her cry herself to sleep every night until she finally learns I won't come.

Your sister is right. It is heart breaking to let your babu cry, but if you don't your sleep will be disrupted for an endless amount of time. After a few nights, she should be back to sleeping through the night.

No one ever said being a parent is easy. You will get trhough this. You and her need sleep.

I have a son 15 and a daughter 12. Believe me I know.

Many blessings,

M.