Grandparents That Give Too Many Gifts!

Tell them you appreciate their generosity, but the toys pile up & the kids outgrow them so quickly. Suggest that a great way for them to be "special" to the kids is to get them bonds for college!! Each birthday or holiday they can get them a bond & small gift. When the kids are older & understand this, they will remember the g-parents even more by the pile of college money in the bank for them...they won't remember all the trains & "stuff" they got. It's a win-win.

My family decided to draw months to spread out the generosity over the year. Every month, my son gets a gift (or 2 or 3) from one person in my family.

Up to a certain age, the child will not notice if some of his toys just sort of disappear and go to needy children. I remember at some point (maybe I was 5), my mother and I started a tradition of going through my toys and clothes and getting rid of stuff to go to Salvation Army or something like that (to make room for the gifts I was about to get for Birthday or Christmas.) I liked that tradition and plan to keep it up with my kids.

Why don't you tell them what they DO need. Then you can get what you need :) How about a trip to Disney with them? My parents take us there and that's the kids Christmas and birthday gift. Really fun too!

I told my inlaws and parents that I didn't want my kids to love them for their gifts, I wanted them to love them for just being awesome grandparents.
I also explained that our kids were getting very materialistic ( it was BAD! ) and that, while gifts were appreciated, we would like visits to be centered around excitement to see THEM, not their gifts.

So, instead of a train, say that he would LOVE a package of Thomas stickers. Also, the clutter is a big issue. I totally understand! I am dealing with toy overload also.

Good luck!

I have the SAME problem with my own family. It causes me so much stress around the holidays. I understand your feelings. And I refuse to just accept this ridiculous notion that "that's just the way grandparents are" in our culture. My MIL is the best--she doesn't go overboard all the time. So I KNOW that balance is possible. Also, aren't grandparents supposed to be loving--isn't THAT supposed to be the point of being a grandparent??? It's not loving to spoil kids with stuff and things. That is such a backwards way of thinking. Any grandparents out there who think that stuff=love need to change THEIR way of thinking!
My husband and I have decided that this year instead of dreading Christmas (bc that is what it has come to!) we are letting them know that there is going to be a limit on the total number of gifts they are allowed to buy. We are thinking of limiting them to 4. We anticipate this being received as equal to telling them Christmas has been cancelled but frankly we don't care. We are trying to raise our child to understand the true meaning of Christmas and not be so "stuff and things" oriented. She lacks for nothing and we have a very small apartment as it is. We give her very nice gifts but in moderation and we don't want the nice normal Christmas we give her on Christmas morning to be made to seem like a lot of nothing to her after the Christmas Eve bonanza at grandma's house. Once they reach 3 they remember the stuff they got and you can't just quietly whisk it away to Good Will anymore! We don't want to be perceived as the bad guys by our child bc of not being able to keep everything. I'm not looking forward to the conversation but boundaries are important and I know they will respect them.
Last year my mother bought our child several things that weren't even age appropriate! They are things we had to store away in a closet for a few years b4 she can even use them!!! And our child was getting tired and overwhelmed, too. It was crazy. So just know you are not alone and your feelings are valid and not at all ungrateful or unreasonable. Frankly, it's nice to know there are others! ;D

Last year I asked for memberships, since I stay home and we are on a tight budget. We got a MN Zoo membership, the Children's Museum, and the U of M Landscape Arboretum. I LOVED IT! I am able to go to any of these 3 places for free this year, which is huge for me. I think that my parents and in-law's got the hint because they finally seemed to comply with my wishes for less stuff.

I wish they'd take time to come with us to some of the things, but I am SO happy that I have the memberships. Maybe there are some places in your area that would work, and you could ask for those instead.

J.

Beat them to it - ask for college savings bond or CDs, investments, start a savings account.... Clothes - socks, underwear, etc. You may never have to buy clothes again! Or, if that doesn't work, tell them that they are simply going overboard and that the toys are not getting used.

If you never bought your kids anything for Christmas and just let them buy, would it still be overwhelming? I never bought my son one toy until he was 6. Not one. I let everyone else do the toy buying, that way it wasn't overwhelming.

I would feel blessed you have parents/in laws that care so much and want to do for their grandkids. Just try to divert this attention. I'd give anything to have involved parents/grandparents for my kids.

Last option - if all else fails and you simply cannot bring yourself to say anything (your husband really should be the one to do it, they are his parents), donate the toys to needy families, local charities, etc before your kids even get a chance to see them. Keep a few, give away the rest. This may only work while the kids are little though. If grandma asks her 11 yr old grandson where his WII is and he doesn't know what she is talking about, uh oh!

Good luck!

Hi Erin,

My husband and I have had a similar situation with our mothers buying so much for our 5 year old. And by this, I don't mean birthday or holiday gifts. I'm talking about sending gifts, bringing gifts every time they come to visit, or every time we visit them, or taking him to the store to pick something out. Seriously, we were going to have to build a new wing onto the house just to accomodate all the "stuff."

I do not subscribe to the notion that it is a grandparent's right to "spoil" a child with material things. With love, affection, time, and attention,----- absolutely YES, of course, grandparents should lavish their grandchildren with these! Giving a child attention and building a lifetime of wonderful memories mean more than any object.

I have had to talk with both grandmothers repeatedly and express to them that we want our son to grow up to value PEOPLE more than things; to appreciate what he does have and not always want more; and to be grateful and take good care of the things he does have.

I told them both that it would be more meaningful for them to PLAY with his toys with him; take him to the park; have a picnic lunch together outside; go for walks; make craft projects; bake cookies together; read him stories. These kinds of memories are some of the best I have of my grandparents, and I couldn't tell you what they bought me when I was five.

I also don't believe that my child should have to part with cherished toys that he still plays with just because grandma wants to buy him more stuff! My son really does love all of his toys and kind of has his own little system for rotating his play with them.

Recently, I had to make a "visual" statement: I purposely did not put toys in the closet or up on the higher shelves in the "office/playroom" when grandma was coming for a visit. (By the way, this room, a large master suite that used to have a king-sized bed, is where guests, including grandmothers, used to stay when they came for a visit. We had to remove the bed because the toys have taken up much of the room. The grandmas now stay in the "regular" bedrooms upstairs). I could see the look on grandma's face when she saw all of the many toys that filled the room, and I hope this impression also helped to convey what we were trying to say.

It is getting much better, and before visits, I gently remind the grandmothers that our son has everything he needs right now and that he just wants to have fun with grandma.

The bottom line is that you and your husband, as the parents, have to decide what values you want to instill in your children, and you have to be on the same page when sharing this information with the grandparents.

You and your husband have to sort out and define specifically what you find acceptable in terms of material gifts (i.e., under what circumstances will you allow material gifts---birthdays? holidays? milestones like graduations? etc.). Then, you have to talk with them about your decision. You may not be able to keep them from getting upset: remember, you can't control how other people feel. Just talk to them in a calm, rational way and express to them how you feel. Make a suggestion that rather than buying things, it would be much more meaningful to the children to DO things with them. Tell them how important it is for the children to have those precious experiences and memories of things they did with grandma and grandpa.

If you keep repeating the same message and providing opportunities for the grandparents to do things with the children, you have a better chance of
the grandparents seeing for themselves how much more rewarding it is to give of themselves rather than from their wallets.

Best to you and your family,

J. F.

Maybe you could try saying something like "we appreciate that you want to be 'special' to your grandkids - you know, the most unique and special thing you could give them are memories and stories. Anyone could go to a store and buy a toy, but only *you* could tell them about what their dad was like when he was their age, or tell them some special memories about their great-grandparents."

My parents were the same way. WAY too much. But then my MIL never sends them anything. Well, she has only ever sent them clothes and she sends two boxes a year and there is discounted Wal-Mart stuff in there for each kid. We live in much nicer conditions than she does or my husband was raised with, so she thinks we overindulge our kids. Thats her opinion though. So anyways, we told my parents to only give our kids a couple of things to open. Maybe a board game, WII game, outdoor activity, etc...and then to do something with them instead. A trip to the zoo, aquarium, beach, even just the park for a few hours with some bubbles is SO much better than stuff. So maybe suggest them doing stuff instead of buying stuff. My parents would have been offended too if I told them not to buy ANYTHING, but they were excited at this idea!!! And the kids are MUCH happier too!!

I have family like that... but gradually, we got them to get into the 'habit' of asking us FIRST... if a certain toy/gift is okay....
we tell them simply, we do NOT have room for everything... and many of the toys are not used and have to be tossed out or donated or given away...

For our kids... we have 'taught' them... that when Grandma/Aunty want to buy them something, they need to ask "us" first... because WE are the parents.... so, they call us and ask us. My kids, will actually tell Grandma/Aunty.... "We have to ask Mommy & Daddy first.... if its okay..."
They know, that they have too many toys....
Sometimes, my daughter will actually tell Grandma/Aunty "I don't need that... I have too many already." or, "I have that already...." etc.

Also, our kids have their own banks... to save money... so, sometimes they get money, instead of objects, and they are so happy to put it in their banks... for later. They are learning about 'saving' and how to spend money that way.
OR, have the Grandparents.... make a list of things they want to get for your kids... and then, save it for special occasions or Christmas which is coming up.... otherwise, for kids, nothing is real "special" nor exciting once Christmas comes.

ALSO, make a 'rule' that as it comes close to Christmas time.. that they hold-off on getting more toys for your kids... so the kids have something to look forward too....

all the best,
Susan

One of the great joys of grandparenting is being able to spoil your grandkids. Don't take that away from them.
I know you think your kids have too much stuff, so try teaching them some valuable lessons about it. Routinely have them go through their rooms and decide on toys to give to needy children. You can have them do this immediately following each visit with Grandparents. Have the rule, "If new toys come in other toys go to charity". That way you are teaching your children that giving is important instead of teaching them that its bad to receive too much. They will know they are blessed and get the opportunity to bless others. The more they receive, the more they give.
That will turn this into a positive experience for everyone, the grandparents, the children, you, and the needy children.

I think I could have written this post! Except that my FIL hates that my MIL spends so much money (because they don't have any!) and unfortunately for us, most of what she gets is junk. I'm not above shopping second hand or getting things at garage sales if it's in good shape, but she will get things like puzzles without all of the pieces! My poor daughter, who is 4 1/2, then just gets upset when she tries to put it together and they aren't all there. Ugh! The other thing that gets to me is that now when they come to visit, the first question my daughter asks is "do you have anything in your suitcase for me?". As you said, this is not the message I want her to be learning (to expect something from people all of the time). We also had a Christmas one year where they literally had 4 boxes of gifts all for my daughter. And her birthday is 3 days after Christmas, so they brought in 2 more boxes for that! It is completely out of control. My MIL buys things just for the sake of buying them with no thought as to whether anyone would actually want it or like it. One year, she got a Christmas ornament that said "Baby's First Christmas" and was for the year 2004. My daughter was born 3 days AFTER Christmas in 2005! It was completely irrelevant (it was for 2 years before my daughter's first Christmas)! She just bought it because it was on clearance sale. My husband just throws the stuff in the garbage when they leave rather than confront them about it. I told him that one day she is going to ask me where something is that she bought and I won't know what to say. I don't have an answer for you because we still deal with it too, but just wanted you to know that you're not alone. One thing you can do, if the stuff you're getting is actually worthwhile, is to put it up in a closet once they're gone and then you can rotate toys every so often. Or, you could donate them to a women's shelter or something if your house is like mine and is overwhelmed with toys. I'm sure they would appreciate the items. Aren't in-laws fun!

I had to be honest with my inlaws, really blunt. And we had to have the talk more than once. I never discussed it in front of the kids. Hinting around just wasn't making the point. I simply told my inlaws that it was too much - too much stuff (we were literally running out of room), too much junk (they LOVE giving sugary treats!) and I didn't like the message or the relationship it could establish. That instead of buying "things" I wanted them to spend the money on doing things and making memories with the kids. I also mentioned that "outdoing" me and Santa on Christmas hurt my feelings. So they still give gifts and spoil them, but it's not so overwhelming now. They plan trips to museums, the zoo, fishing, etc. They buy craft projects to do together.I think that at first feelings were really hurt, they were just so excited about grandbabies, but now it's a non-issue

We went thru the same with my in-laws. Yes there was hurt feelings at first, but they have accepted it and now give them money for their college fund. It also makes their occational gits more special. Best wishes!

Let them give the gifts, but instead let them give them to YOU and NOT your kids. Put them away in a special place and you be the one to give your kids as a treat when you think it is appropriate for them to have one every now and then. That way you control what they open and see, and you get to please the grandparents who love to give. If they ask how the kids liked them, you can always say you are saving them for a special time, etc. If you get to a point where they become more than you can handle, give them to a needy neighbor or child.

I have a similar situation, where gifts=love+status to my FIL.

Here is what we did (and we've had to reinforce it, already, and DS is not yet 2...): Explain that what we want most for them is for them to a good relationship with their grandchild, and that that means we want DS to focus on the time he spends with them, not "what did Grandpa bring me?" So, we suggest doing something instead of buying something. We point out that the child will remember the special times spent with G & G more than any gift. So, explain all that, then come up with some suggestions, like taking him to the zoo, science museum, kids museum, on a train ride, to the amusement park, to the beach, etc.

Do this right now, in advance of the holiday season, and make sure your DH will back up 100% and reinforce the suggestions/desires of your & your family.

You also might want to think about making contact with them more, so that they don't feel that they have to complete with his other grandparents for time spent (the gifts might be given to take the place of time spent with the child, especially if they know the other grandparents have more access to him....)

Good luck...

I know you've received many responses so here is my two cents worth.

While I didn't have inlaws who did this..I had a SIL with extraordinary means to shop and spend lots of money on whatever or whenever. Since she did not have children of her own she lavished it on ours!!!! The amount of toys, clothes, balloons.....knick knacks were completely overwhelming..not to mention duplicates!!!! We ended up creating a "war chest" aka regift box and would give gifts and donations whenever needed. We were also in theh position that we didn't want to hurt her or she would just do it anyway. Well she passed away last year! While I don't miss the multitude of gifts, we miss her and think how much she was the life of the many family gatherings and parties where she blessed so many with her generosity. I guess what I am saying is life is short and if your In laws get pleasure out of doing this then let them.

If this does upset you it is reasonable to ask them to spend half as much. If they mean well and want additional suggestions for what your kids need then you can be bold enough to say monies towards their education. Otherwise hang onto the gifts and give them to your kids at later date..i.e. a birthday, Christmas..some other special occassion. Have them leave some of their new "stuff" and the grandparents house. Or simply make donations or regifts. Good luck

Can you ask the in-laws to keep the gifts at their home for the kids to play with when they go over there? Or take them to your parents' house or a friend's house who you visit a lot so that the kids can play with them there but the toys don't take up space at your own house?

I wouldn't worry too much about it sending a materialistic message to your kids because you and your husband don't do it and your friends etc. don't do it, so they probably won't get that... though they may come to EXPECT it from them, which I can understand your not wanting.

I don't have any advice for putting a stop to the gifts gracefully, but I can tell you that if they're piling up and you don't want them in your house, and you can't pass them off to anyone, you can always have your kids go through their toys every couple of months and make up a bag of toys for the poor and it can become the opposite of what it is now, this materialism, and turn into a gracious work of mercy.

All I can say is appreciate the fact that they care about your kids! Perhaps guide them with gift suggestions, or some type of list. explain that you are looking to fill a certain gap etc. A List of books, educational dvd's, legos, whatever! You could also suggest that they purchase savings bonds etc. However, a lot of grandparents really want to see the grandkids enjoy what gift they receive, not just money. By the time the kids are older, that is about all you can give a kid because there just isn't stuff to buy.

Maybe you and your husband could sit down with them and see if they would be willing to start a college fund for your kids with the money they would be spending on gifts. Then when the time comes for college they should have a nice nest egg. Then you can tell your kids this is what Grandma and Grandpa did for you.

o boy i have the complete OPPOSITE problem...my in laws only buy my daughter a present on her Bday and Xmas which happens to be 2 days apart! Youd think while shopping at Target occasionally shed see something and buy her something , but nope! In fact half of her presents have stayed at her house and i have brought more over there since i realized she wasnt going to buy her any toys for her home. I say just let it be..or you could always ask that they pay for a special language class, or a membership to a museum or zoo?

Last year my MIL gave my 2 and 4 year old daughters each a scarf and a check for $30. They get a check on their birthdays ($50). I don't think she could pick them out of a police line-up. FIL has never sent a gift, ever (They are divorced). I'll trade you mine for yours. :)

I have the same problem so i either try to return the toys whenever i can or sell them or garage sale them or give them as gifts whenever needed or donate them. It is a real pain but my family doesnt get it that the kids have so many toys they cant even play with them and its a wate of money, besides having to store them all!!! I hate to see them waste money but if they wont listen, then thats their choce. Its a shame but i try to get rid of the gifts when i can, anyway i can.

How close do they live to you? If they are close by, make sure the gift giving is at their house. Maybe you could take one thing home with you, but the rest are for playing with the next time you visit them.
When their closets are jam packed, and they see the toy mountain that is invading their living space - they'll start to get more reasonable or be buried in it.

You are blessed with the best sort of problem! Take them and thank them, then pick a few gifts for your kids to keep, then take your kids and show them how to donate. Toys for Tots, homeless shelters or any Children's Hospital would consider your gifts a HUGE blessing!

I know someone that is accepting donations to raise money for a silent auction/prize raffle at a benefit for a little boy in Woodstock, IL that was diagnosed with a genetic disorder (MPSII/Hunter's Syndrome) in 2009. For more information please see www.cadenscourage.com.

How about asking them to spend HALF what they are currently spending but to put the rest of the money into a college savings account, keeping a record of the money they put in, that way the kid can see how 'special' they got treated for 10-18 years!

I told my mother when she started buying tons of things for my first that she would either have to buy us a larger home to store all of the stuff she was bringing into our house or she needed to just contribute to their college savings. She now gives the kids 100 bucks every two months for college. I just said "this is wasteful!" She also gives me half her xmas budget to put into their college savings as well.

Let them give, but simple explain to them a more productive way to do it.

We have the same issue with my in-laws. In fact, they're arriving for a visit today. We don't mind the smaller things, such as matchbox cars, but it's the huge trucks that drive us crazy. My husband told his mother last week that our boys don't need any more toys but, knowing they feel they can't come empty-handed, he told them to bring books instead of toys. We have to fly to see one another, so we have left new toys at their house to also send the message. It really bothered my husband when we visited his nephew and his first words were, "Do you bring me a present?" We immediately stopped giving a "just because" gift after that. It's also good for them to see that the kids don't play with the toys because there are just too many.

Maybe it would be easier to ask them to propose that your son would really love to go to the zoo--maybe the could take him places instead or buy a family membership to the zoo or a Children's Museum or as he gets older Lego Discovery?

This way they actually spending more time with him which is what they want, he's still getting a 'gift' of sorts and they maybe wouldn't be offended. Plus, it will give him more memories longer term.

AE

Hi, Erin.
I feel your pain and know exactly how you feel. It took me a long time to realize this but that is just how grandparents are. This is what we dao...Grandparents buy a gift that is either not needed or whatever. we put it away in the basement and then sometimes we just return it. With the money/gift card that we get back we buy something that they do need or really want. The hard part is what to say when they ask if the kids use the gift they bought them. I have a hard time with that one because of feelings that might get hurt. I hope this helps and wish you the best of luck!
T.

You could try some "Non-Violent Communication" techniques (google this for lots more information). Basically, you start by gratefully observing that GPs are extremely generous, and you recognize that this is their way of trying to be remembered by your children between visits. Be sure they know you recognize their love for their grandchildren and are glad they are important to your kids. This will mean a lot to them (and may actually help meet the needs they are trying to express through all the gifting).

Then go on to observe that your kids are actually overwhelmed by having too much stuff, and that their play space is clogged with stuff. Tell what needs of yours are not met – too much of your family's time and energy is spent organizing, for example. Or that stuff gets in the way of experiences, which will actually provide much longer and more meaningful memories.

Then make a request – next visit, could we all plan some really fun activity instead of gifts? Popcorn over the fireplace, a trip to a local attraction, a game night with everybody bringing board games, a family project putting together a photo album, etc. Take pictures at every visit to add to the album. Or start Facebook accounts that will allow you to share messages, ideas, pictures and short videos (they may appreciate your help setting this up if they're not too "tekkie.") Between visits, send them occasional drawings and notes from your kids. And so forth.

If this fails to make a difference, you might at a future date again acknowledge GP's wish to be remembered, AND state that every time new gifts come in, old gifts must go out, so you will find a good children's charity and pass the lovely gifts on to kids who are not blessed with such generous GPs.

Hi Erin,
Why not use it to teach your children about donation? Your in-laws are doing what they want with their money and any "conversations" might offend them or hurt their feelings so use this time to teach your children about donating their "extra" to groups/organizations that aren't as lucky as your house.
I think this way everyone wins!
Best Wishes!

If you and your husband both think that you should avoid confrontation then you should, my advise would be let them see their gifts but only keep 1 or 2 items and have a special place to keep the rest and have them earn them. Let them know that its not always as easy as it seems to have things other kids don't. maybe if they are on their best behavior all week and are good about clean up time, hw or nap time that they can choose another gift from the ones they had originally recieved. That way they learn to value things. Just a thought good luck to you!

Try to stress how important it is for them (the grandparents) to be a part of your children's lives. But that it is not necessary to buy piles of stuff for them to earn their love. You might suggest other things that would be more beneficial- paying for art lessons and then buying their art supplies and then working with them on a project. or maybe taking the family out for ice cream after attending a child's soccer game-stress that their presence and support is the real "present". I would also set up a college fund and kindly suggest that they make deposits in lieu of material items and that that would be something that the child would treasure forever and allow them to realize their dreams -- an education that could be paid for!

Tell them you know how great they are and you love them very much.. but your house is getting overrun by toys.. and your child is getting confused.. ask if they can cut back on Christmas gifts and maybe ask if they would like to contribute to a stock for your son for college education or maybe buy some bonds or add to his bank acct. Also tell them what he is in too.. like give them one or two toys he needs.. and then tell them that .. that is it.. because to many toys .. is just that to many toys.. tell them to buy instead of that some clothes.. like pjs.. with thomas on it.. ... just tell them one or two toys is better because then he will play with it and love it more.. to many toys.. and he doesn't play with half of them... We just bought my niece Stock for her 1st birthday.. she has to many toys and to many clothes... so they asked that we do this... any stock at all... so we all got together and bought disney stock... and verizon stock... we also bought her something small like a ball or bubbles.. or things like that.. it worked out really good.

You probably can't do both. I think that it would be a good idea to stop them in their tracks and take the gifts away. Tell them that you don't want them to associate seeing their grandparents with receiving gifts, so you'll use the gifts as rewards for helping with chores, etc. (I don't know how old your kids are now.) They won't like that, but you can insist. Tell them that your kids have so much stuff already and are steadily outgrowing it so that you don't want to give them anything else until you get rid of some of what they already have. That might curb it a little if they think that you are getting rid of what they're buying.

Of course, we understand that they are showing love the way they know how, but you understand that it is your responsibility to teach them alternative ways to show love. You can turn their gift-giving into something else for your house. They don't necessarily have to even know where the gifts are coming from, just that they have done something to earn a "treat".