Advice on Overly Generous Grandparents

What a wonderful predicament and blessing! Why don't you talk to them about opening a savings account for each child and every time they want to buy them a toy or give them money, deposit instead. I don't mean at Christmas or birthdays.
I also give summer camp and gift cards for PuttPutt and Braums, pizza etc.
I ahve even given bunk beds, etc. Good Luck and be glad they can afford to help.

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Do they live in area? My inlaws are the same way and I sometimes feel like they way over do it. My 4 year old just had a birthday and they spent probably around $100 on her toy then gave her $50 cash. I thought is was way to much for a 4 year olds birthday. Every time we visit they buy them something, but I know they do just because the don't get to see them as often as their other grandchildren. I thought of telling them to stop, but I know they do this out of the kindness of their hearts. I would hate to hurt their feelings. We have started making the kids put the money they get into a savings account. We were just getting way to many toys and then we felt like we needed to let them buy more toys when they gave them money. My husband talked to his dad one night and let him know that if they give the kids money we would be putting it into a savings account. They were fine with that so it all worked out great.

1 mom found this helpful

My parents are very generous as well, but since they are are MY parents, not my in laws, I can do this. I tell my mom that she does not HAVE to buy them something every time she comes to visit, but she likes to. I tell her to set a budget for them so they don't take advantage of it. So, now she says "you have $10.00 to spend" and she takes them to the store and lets them pick something. They really enjoy this time with her and these special treats since they don't get toys all the time from mom & dad. At this point I've tried to make sure my kids know that it's nice of Mimi to do that, but she doesn't have to and to remind them to be very thankful to her for these special treats. Grandparents are in a unique situation that parents are not. I think you should take a deep breath, tell them your concerns, but allow them to do what they want. Explain that you worry about them expecting these gifts from them when they come and that you don't ever want them to become ungrateful. However, if they want to do this each time, you will not complain, but you do expect them to say thank you, etc. You can also tell them that when they give the kids cash, you encourage them to save some, spend some, and give some, so they may not always have a thing they can say they got if they give them cash. But really, just realize that grandparents are not parents and let them enjoy the kids and this special gift they can give.

Hi, what we did is make a rule that any toys the grandparents buy have to stay at their house and for holidays we request checks that go directly into our daughter's savings account. We also have one grandfather who brings diapers when he comes. We also send emails before holidays and let grandparents know of big items coming up-carseats, high chairs, etc that we may be needing and usually someone ponies up. I guess we are blessed with practical g-parents. But we made it clear that we are the parents and our wishes should be respected. Good luck!

My in-laws are overly generous. I too shared your concerns...and then I had a nice conversation with them to help them understand. They took it well. I asked them to limit their gifts to things we/my son needs like clothes, shoes, or are educational like arts/crafts, books, music, lessons -- or money which goes into an account for future use. This summer, they paid for his summer camps. I don't begrudge them the sneaky extra gift here or there. But I do talk to my son about not expecting gifts, but appreciating when they are given. And my in-laws try not to go overboard.

S.,

I have been in your shoes! What I did is put a $50 limit on on each child for holidays and birthdays. I asked the family (grandparents, great grandparents, aunts, uncles) to put any $ above that $50 they wished to spend into the child's trust fund. My children at a certain age began the I want, I want, and if you don't buy it for me I will have grandma do it. Needless to say my head started spinning with that. So, after reading a Christian Psychology magazine where the husband and wife psychologists were experiencing the very same thing, I followed the advice of the professionals and limited my children to 5 things each; learning toys and educational games were freebies and not included in the 5. My son chose leggos, kinex, Playmobile, Brio, and video games. My daughter chose dress up, Barbie, Playmobile, Petshop, and American Girl dolls. As they grew older some of the 5 things changed and they would donate to charity what they chose to eliminate. The family gifters were asked to build on these things for Holidays and Birthday's. It sounds extreme, but it worked! My children no longer begged for things everytime they saw a commercial or were at a store. My children and I were less stressed because we no longer had a huge gameroom overflowing with stuff to clean up. Remarkably they liked having fewer things to choose from for play. My children began taking better care of what they did have and have chosen to keep several of their 5 thing final choices for their children. Now that they are adults they have said they will follow this same route with their children. In hindsight I believe this helped my children NOT have the entitlement attitude so many children and young adults have. When we did the initial clean out we discussed the importance of giving and charity and used Bible Scripture to enforce the idea. The relatives were a little hesitant, but got on board when they realized it made gift selection sooo much easier and that my children didn't ask for something EVERYTIME they saw them.. We also explained to the relatives that we thought it was just as important to build the trust funds for the future as it was to give now. We stressed the trust funds' contributions to the childrens' future for college, first cars, down payment on first homes, etc. Enough of my soap box...have a great day and good luck!

You're not off base in your concern. I didn't read the other posts so I don't know if anyone agrees with me but I can share my own experience. my mother is not one to wait a gift on a holiday. She likes to give as she gets! LOL And believe me she doesn't go over board or expensive or large on gifts but she always seems to find some little thing for my kids...especially my son since he is younger. (not that she ignores the older daughter). Anyway, she always has some little item when we visit. My son is seven now and will often say "lets go visit nana, I bet she has something for me". when we arrive there he goes to her and says "do you have anything for me?"! And again, these items are just small drug store impulse purchases at best usually...a bag of water balloons, a rubber ball, a water gun, the free super hero comic from the paper even...but it's all accummulated to make him think she WILL always have something for him. I have told him that we don't go to see her to get gifts and he isn't to ask but if she has something that's fine. I tell her that she shouldn't give them so often b/c we simply don't have space for it all and it causes a problem for me to store it all. She works in merchanidizing at the grocery stores so she is always there and there are little things she picks up...just so easy for her to do. she can't afford big gifts. anyway, I don't tell her to stop but i've made headway with her so that she will tell me first. I've vetoed a couple thigns b/c they seemed unsafe (a toy you put in her mouth to make noise and lights that was very cheap looking and worse, made in china, for example) and she agrees.

anywya, this wordy reply was just to tell you that your kids CAN get used to it and it will cause problems. just handle it with sensitivity. your inlaws are only wanting to enjoy and please your child but it can't come at a cost to your kids being polite etc.

I understand what you mean about too many gifts. It was my mom who bought all the time, though I think part was because it was her first bio-grandkid (her husband has several in another state.) I told her I wanted my kids(s) to want to see her for her, not just because she brought gifts. You hear all the time that time is the best gift. The money might be better spent going on outings (zoo, parks, etc.) and getting pictures to remember.

This happened with my sister and her in-laws; it really put out our parents, too, because of the "competition". First thing is that your husband needs to be on-board with this decision. Second, since they are his parents, he needs to speak to them about it.

I totally agree with you!

That said, try to be understanding. Some people use gifts as their way of showing love. Have you ever read "The Five Love Languages"? It is an awesome book - I highly recommend it. Anyway, you could suggest to them that they reserve presents and toys for Christmas and Birthdays. Or, if they have to buy a gift, make it one that is $5 or less. Or, if they insist on giving money, have a special "Grammy and Grampy" jar where they can collect the money until YOU give them permission to spend it.

You can approach it with your in-laws from the perspective that you are looking out for them, that your kids are just kids and soon they will expect gifts all the time and you don't want to see them being taken for granted for their generosity.

Good Luck!

Grandparent will be grandparents.I know it gets old but most grandparents are like that.If they ask you what they want just tell them they want money for their college education.Then you can open a savings account in their name and put money they get from the family in thier accounts.other than that think of it as a teaching oppurtunity.You can teach them that there are many reasons why we love grandma grandpa not just because they bring stuff and not everyone can afford to bring gifts.Its is nice that they bring stuff but they may not bring it everytime.Teach them how to be thankful for the gift that they get by letting them make thankyou notes for them.You can teach them the value of things by volutering with less fortunate family or maybe buy a gist at christmas off of the angel tree.

This may have been suggested already, but how about asking them to consider some sort of craft/activity that they can do with the grandchildren when they see them? This would be more of a "time together" focus than just a gift handed to them.

I don't know if they live near you, but maybe since your children are still young, the "activity" might be a toy that has activities on it. The grandparents could just bring the same toy or pull it out during visits at their house.

Or tell them you're starting one of those money programs for kids that teaches kids how to save, donate and spend money. If they want to give each child a quarter, dollar or something, then you could have the piggy banks available and use it as a learning experience. Maybe the grandparents can go with the kids to donate some of the money to the charity that the kids choose. Do-able with your 3 yr old, but a little early for the baby. :)

Good luck!

Maybe they can put a lot of that money into a college savings plan.

In MY opinion you are looking at it completely wrong! Instead of stopping the gifts because you don't want to teach your kids to expect it everytime they see their grandparents, teach your kids to be gracious and appreciative when they accept these gifts. Teach them to send their grandparents handmade thank you notes! Let the grandparents give what they can! I have a horrible relationship with my in-laws but I would never stop them from giving to my daughter, it's not right-in MY opinion. Also, if you are feeling overwhelmed by the amount of "stuff" your kids are receiving, consider having your kids donate something they have rec'd in the past everytime they receive something new.

take the money and put in an account. when the child wants something major, he/she will have x-amount of money. might want to suggest to the in-laws that their generosity is appreciated but you are trying to teach your children that having a lot of material things are not necessary. good luck.

I would be a "guilty gramma" in this situation. In our defense, it is such a joy to have a grandchild! We just want to have fun in this rare opportunity. In my case I could not afford to give my own girls all the fun toys out there and was always very appreciative of the grandparents purchases. With grandchildren comes the opportunity to give what we couldn't as parents? Just a different view for you. I understand your concern however but I feel certain that the grandparents are just trying to have some fun.....and what, really, is so wrong with the kids expecting something from their grandparents...really? As long as it isn't too extravagant or something you would not want them to have?
You have a good point though and I would suggest that you write pretty much what you have here, in a nice email or letter addressed to all the grandparents so they do not feel singled out. Just express your wishes. You might suggest that they instead put money into some type of savings for your children for their future? Or instead of a bunch of little toys that litter your house, perhaps a suggestion of something really special on occassion. No grandparent wants a spoiled, bratty kid around due to overindulgence on their part; tell them you're concerned.
It is SO much fun shopping in the baby department these days! There are so many neat things that just were not available years ago. Good Luck to you....communication is the key, start it now so your future will be easier.

No, you are not wrong. I would express everything that you just wrote to them... it is good reasoning and comes from the heart. I know they will understand. Good luck!

I agree with the MONEY going into a savings account; but the gifts...let the kids enjoy their grandpaarents. Much better than a non-interested / uninvolved granparent! -- We used to have a generous grandma, but she has now passed. We look back on her visits fondly, remembering the crazy gifts she would bring in her suitcase. They were often projects like model building / painting...things that would be quite involved and labor intensive, but things that she and the kids would do together. We still have her gifts floating all over even though she passed 4.5 years ago. She loved giving, the kids loved her visits because she always had a surprise, or a bunch of them, in her suitcase. And then she would buy more when she was here. She loved it. They loved it. We miss her. All too soon the kids grow less interested in family and more interested in friends...or the grandparents pass away. Let the present be a joyous time for the kids / grandparents' relationships.

One option is to simply talk to them about it. These are your children and you are the parents. If you feel your children are getting the wrong message about gifts, getting "spoiled" so to speak, you have the right to put a stop to it. You can explain it exactly as you did in your post. Tell them their time and company is the most important thing. You want your kids to remember them, not the gifts. If you don't feel comfortable speaking up, have your husband do it.

I deal with my inlaws in a different way. I agree with the savings account. My in laws do that so I opened a savings account for my son when he was born and all the cash goes into it. At his first birthday they gave him $$ and the thank you note said thank you so much for the $$, it is going into my car fund. Now he has $800 in there - they didn't seem mad and keep giving.

As an aside, I also plan to keep this up. When he's older, the rule will be that if he choses to put $$ in his account that he earns around the house, we will match it. He can double anything he earns that way. Gift do not count in the doubling. I play to talk this up when he's old enough to understand. That way he learns about savings, etc., he has an incentive to save and I won't feel any pressure to buy him a car when he's 16. It's all in his hands. He will get as nice a car as he's earned along the way.

Re the gifts, if they live nearby, you can tell them they have to leave the gifts they buy at their own house. You can do it in a nice way, " tell mimi thank you for the whatever, you'll have fun playing with it when you go visit". That way it's their house getting cluttered and also, the spoiling will only occur at their house. It's ok that grandparents spoil as long as the kids know it's just the grandparents and just at their house. As long as you put your foot down and make it clear that YOU won't buy them something every time you go out, they will realize it's just them. hth

I'd like to add a different perspective. Your inlaws love your children. They don't know how to show it appropriately, but they love your children. My parents love(d) my children too, but now they are incredibly old, fragile, and struggling with dementia. I really miss those days when they were overly generous with my children. I miss them a lot because they were still there and active in their lives.

Your children are very young. 3 and not quite a year. Give it some time. Have your husband (since it is your inlaws) start suggesting that they do things together (when your 3 year old is ready to off alone with them.) He is the one to handle this. He needs to wait and when your oldest is 4 or 5 he can start suggesting things like, "You know what Kieran really likes? He likes to go to the park/library/McDonald's. Instead of getting him a gift, do you want to give him a gift certificate for a date to the park/library/McDonald's? It would mean so much to him to have time with you."

In the meantime, be grateful your children have grandparents who are excited enough to see them that they go out and buy a gift to make it a special time. Grandparents want children to be excited to see them. They want a special relationship and a special bond. Sometimes that is hard for them to cultivate that with kids that are as little/young as yours.

Here is an example from my life. My kids weren't allowed to have sodas. Every time they went to see my mom, she served them a soda in a special fancy glass. She served it before they were off their bottles. Before they should even be holding real glass, much less antique glass. It really frosted my buns. I talked to her and she would nod and whatever, but they still had a soda. And now that is gone and you know what one of my kids' fondest memories is? Having a soda with grandma in fancy old fashion glasses and talking their hearts out to her at the kitchen table. And if I'd had my way, I would have squashed that lovely, wonderful memory because I didn't want my kids to have a soda. I would give my right hand to have them able to sit around that table again with her.

Learn to embrace those who love your children even if they love them differently then the way you love them.

VickiS

I agree with a lot of what's been said before: you have to find a balance. My parents tend to spend too much on gifts for DD, but I also understand where it's coming from: they live in NY, and rarely get to see DD, and my mother admits that when she misses her granddaughter, she goes shopping. Mom and Dad also have a lot more money than we do, which can be both useful and a bit awkward. As a partial solution, I've taken to giving my mom "missions" (never quite phrased that way); e.g., just yesterday on the phone I mentioned that DD is outgrowing her raincoat. Odds are there will be a new raincoat in the mail this week. A few weeks ago, I posted on facebook that DD had wet the bed; two days ago, a waterproof mattress pad arrived from Amazon. It can be a little uncomfortable sometimes--I'm 35 years old, my parents don't need to still provide for me!--but we've found a compromise we can all live with: Mom and Dad feel involved, and can express their love through presents. DH and I, quite frankly, are relieved to have a little help. And we try to handle it so DD knows to be grateful--we always call and thank Nana, and DD can tell you what Nana and Poppop bought for her, which does actually do what my mom hopes it will--keeps the grandparents in DD's mind when she doesn't see them for months on end. But you'll have to find the compromise that works well for you. Just keep in mind that it might involve compromise on BOTH sides--you swallow your pride a little, but also train the grandparents to help out with things that are actually needed and useful. I know it can be delicate. GL!

Suggest opening a college savings account and diverting the toy funds into that account. Maybe suggest a certain percentage, like half of the time they can give a SMALL toy, the other half goes in the account. Or whatever y'all can work out.

Also, suggest some sort of special thing they always do together like. Grandpa might even like to make up a secret handshake that is ONLY for them. I can guarantee when Grandpa is no longer around that handshake will carry a great deal of meaning!

Try to find some ways of endearing the relationship and perhaps they won't feel the need to "buy" things.

Hi S.,

I felt the same way when my first daughter was born. I don't think that child ever saw either set of grandparents that there wasn't a surprise or gift for her. It also bothered me and for the same reasons that you listed. However, my advice is to relax. Let your in-laws and children enjoy this. Situations change and there will come a time when there may not be any gifts or treats. That being said, perhaps you could try to direct those gifts towards things that may be needed or more useful. For instance, maybe the in-laws could take a grandchild shopping for a new backpack for school - something that is still fun, but necessary. As far as working for what they want, your children will learn to do that from you anyway. They will have to work in school for grades and honors. You will be in charge of whether they earn money for movies, or games etc. My daughter (the one that got all the gifts) is now 13 and is a very responsible and hard working young lady. Since she was little one grandfather has died and the other divorced to start a "new, younger" family. So, I'm glad she had that time of surprises and treats to start off with. That was a minor irritant compared to some of the things that come along in life.

I think they love your children and are enjoying the perks of being grandparents.

We had some relatives early on shower my daughter with things. From day 1 I was teaching my daughter to be gracious and say thank you.

My daughter is now 14 and when she receives a "happy" in the mail, the first thing she does after opening it is to sit down and HAND WRITE a thank you note. NO pre-printed thank you. Even when she was little, I had a crayon or something in her hand to color or try to write on her thank you notes.

I did this all my life and she has been taught to be gracious and appreciative that she has someone that loves her enough to send a little "happy" in the mail now and then. Sometimes it is a surprise that comes on a very hard day and it makes her day.

I know when/if I get grandchildren they will be showered with love and little happies often.

Just my perspective.

hi S., my advice is to talk to your kids about it instead of talking to your in-laws. it will prbly offend them as they are doing it with love. as your kids grow u can teach them about your view on expectation of gifts. my 4 year old often asks her grandparents 'what'd u get me?' and i tell her that gifts are not the important thing, and offer her alternative things to say: 'it's good to see you. i missed you. i love you. seeing u is the best gift'.

Am I reading this correctly? You have three children, one of which is a dog?

Since the generous grandparents are the parents of your husband, you might ask him to speak with them about channeling their generosity in a productive way. Opening a savings account or buying the two (three?) children a large piggy bank and giving them money for the bank might be an option. I wonder if the generous grandparents were your parents if you would have the same reaction.

S.,

I see both sides to this issue. I totally understand how you feel and don't want your kids to get spoiled and have no comprehension of "earning" their toys. On the flipside, I understand that it is easy for grandparents to want to spoil their grandkids. Since you are a working professional, you can obviously afford to buy your kids whatever they want. I am a stay at home mom, and finances are tight for us, so if my inlaws were always giving my kids toys, I'd be okay with it, since my husband and I can't afford to always be buying them stuff.

I honestly don't think that your inaws' generosity will "ruin" your children forever. You can have a talk with your children and make sure they know how lucky they are, because not all grandparents give their grandchildren so many toys. Make sure they appreciate each and every toy and always say thank you. When they get old enough to write, maybe you can have them write thank you notes so there is a little "chore" involved every time they get a gift from their grandparents.

You are the one raising them - not your inlaws, so you can make sure that your children do not grow up to be spoiled and unappreciative. All you have to do is have "appreciation" talks with them from time to time. My children have a lot of toys (a lot of it comes from their grandparents), and I always tell my oldest (who is 5) how lucky he is to have so many toys b/c a lot of kids don't have a lot of toys.

Now, if all of the toys are filling up your house and you don't know where to put them, that is a different story. But, if you have the space, I would welcome their gifts. If there is something that you want your kids to have, maybe you can tell them so they don't buy toys that you or your children won't want/like. Maybe they can buy educational toys? Or, maybe instead of toys, you can ask them to pay for swimming lessons?? I like how someone suggested a college fund. Although I'm sure they already started a college fund for them!

I feel like you are blessed to have money in your family (from your salary, and your well off inlaws). You didn't mention your husband - I assume he works, too, so there is plenty of money to go around, and for that, you are extremely lucky. My point is this - feel lucky that you or your inlaws aren't poor! You'd be much worse off!

I know that you will raise your children to appreciate everything they have. Good luck!

I don't think it will cause problems with the kids if the grandparents are the only people over buying for the kids. It may be that gift giving is the in-laws love language. (Book: The Five Love Languages) I think I would feel like you do if this was the case in my family. But, if you do not have a close relationship with them, it is NOT worth mentioning. If your husband will talk with them, now that just might be a good thing. I would ask him to tell them you guys love all the gifts, but you are concerned that the kids will start to get a case of the 'gimmies'...(another book: The Barenstein Bears (sp?)) Maybe work out a plan for them to give whatever they have bought once every 4 months...if they don't see the grankinds very often I think it's absolutely no problem for them to spoil their grankids. Take care!

open a bank account and then tell them to put the money in it for college. that would help the kids better.

It does sounds like they are really enjoying being grandparents, and like the chance to give when they can. To make sure your kids don't take it for granted, get them in the habit of writing thank you notes, and when new toys come in, help them clear out old toys that they don't use to donate to a shelter or another organization that give to children in need. That way your children will see how they can help others as well.
Depositing the money in a savings account is a great idea, too (and buy your third child - your puppy - a toy while you're at it! Pets are most definitely members of the family!)

I'd say to let it pass and just let everyone enjoy the giving and the getting. If they get to an age where they inappropriately demand a gift or ask where their gift is, then you can address to the child that a gift is just a gift and not an entitlement. You might also point out that since they give gifts to the child, it would not be inappropriate for the child to give them something in return such as a picture or a homemade gift. That is called exchanging gifts.

My husband's maternal grandmother is remembered by my children because every time they went down to visit Maw she'd give them a dollar bill. She lived in a house with an outhouse and lived very modestly on Social Security and stuffed a good deal of that in her mattress. As young children, they loved that dollar. As they got older, they loved the dollar for its deeper meaning rather than for any monetary value. Maw loved giving out the dollars because she could. She raised 8 children and had scores of grandchildren and great-grandchildren. The gesture meant a lot to the woman who wore a torn dress over her nightgown and used to walk to town in her galoshes or to the country store at the end of the holler always listening to the preachin' on her transister radio every day till the day she died in the mid-1990's.

S.,

I am in somewhat the same position as you. My sweet MIL and FIL shower our girls with gifts and cards often. My husband and I figured out that they were doing this because my own parents have chosen not to be an active part of our girls' lives. Just as an example, my oldest is now 12. My parents have only been to two of her birthday parties, but have been to almost every birthday party of my nephews.

In an effort to try to keep them from spending too much on the girls, my husband and I are keeping them "actively involved" in the girls' lives with weekly updates and inviting them to competitions and such. This seems to have helped a lot.

Also, if you plan a movie night with just the grandparents and grandkids in either your home or theirs, it will help them realize that time is what is truly important. If they feel they must give something, ask them to bring popcorn or some sort of snack that the kids can help prepare.

Hope some of this helps.

My mom did the same kind of thing on a very small scale. She would bring little candies and stuff like that. One day, when my daughter was older as soon as my mom walked in the door my dd ask "Nauna what do you have for me". That did it. I talked with my mom and told her, you don't want your relationship with her to be built on presents/candies, ect. From then on my mom still brings her things occassionally, but she makes sure not to have something everything. That being said Grandparents should get to "spoil" their grandbabies some, I hear it's on of life's greatest joy. So you might keep that in mind when and if you say something about it. Good luck!