What Is Reasonable?

Interesting...
My MIL always made an entrance with many many gifts...

And yet it's MY Mother (who is penniless) they all ran too, asked when she was coming over, and cried when it was time for her to leave.

My mother used to joke 'Next time she wants to drop so much money on them, tell her they need a new couch or a new car!'

We never took action on the excessive gift giving, though it bothered us too. My MIL is no longer with us so we're glad we let her give the only thing she was capable of. :)

"Hey guys... we LOVE that you love the kids so much... but when the sheer volume or 'WOW' of the gifts you give overshadow the ones that we do AND that santa does... it puts us in a really hard position.... so we wanted to talk with you about it while they're still young."

I started giving my family LISTS of what the kids have asked for and tell them that they are free to get off of that list or use other ideas, but that gifts that are cheap and just add to the quantity will end up going away. My parents actually stopped giving big gifts for birthdays and started taking the kids away for either day trips or weekend trips. So maybe you could do that? I just point blank told my parents we don't need anymore junk and dont waste money on things they won't use. They appreciated my honesty :o).

Well, honestly I think you should not say anything. Yes it is over-indulgent, but its one day a year and they will realize one day they can't buy your children's love. I think setting a gift/money limit is rude and will not be well-received. The grandparents will not be around forever. If you are instilling good, non-materialistic values into your children the other 364 days a year, then this one day will not determine their attitudes or make them selfish.

My dad and his wife are the same way. They buy a million gifts and for the last four years have always over-shadowed what "Santa" brings the next day. Last year we just went easy on what we bought--I don't even really remember what it was to be honest that we did buy. And I also don't remember what my dad bought either. Guess what, neither does my daughter. It is the time we spend with my daughter throughout the entire year that she cherishes the most---no present from my dad can take that away. I was originally bothered by my dad outdoing Santa, and I found myself almost wanting to start competing with him---when I realized I would be entirely missing the point. If you don't want xmas to be all about what your kids receive, then who cares if the in-laws outdo Santa, you, or anyone else? Let the kids get their million gifts from grandma and grandpa and start your own family tradition of giving to the less fortunate to set a good example. We pick up those gift requests they have at the grocery store from underprivileged kids and then my daughter helps us pick out the gifts for a few kids. That is where we spent most of our gift money last year. I figure my dad will take care of buying tons of presents for our daughter, I will take care of the life lessons I want her to learn =) All the best!

I have been in your shoes. One year, the kids, years older than yours, became bored and fatigued with opening gifts and left, mid-pile, to watch television.
And Grandma is also Santa, so it's even worse...I think she wants to create "magic", but I've seen the kids be just as happy, if not more, after opening a small selection of books, and needed items at home, as they are in the face of excess...
But I want you to know that "putting the gifts aside to open throughout the year" is NOT the punishment you think. I know other parents who have done this. I have done it myself, but it was after they opened the gifts. You see, when there are so MANY gifts, kids can't even remember what they have received, aside from a couple of favorites...especially at the very young age of your children. Developmentally, they can't remember much.

I once saved about 10 items, already opened, and I hid them away. My kids never missed them at all. I think my youngest was 8, and he had no idea! I gave the gifts back to them over the course of two years, at times when they were bored or in need of a cheer. They had no idea these gifts were ones they had already received, and it brought them more happiness this way.

We had this same problem when my two older ones were little. Now that I have 5 kids, this isn't a problem anymore...LOL But I understand where you're coming from. We just didn't buy as much when they were little. We let the grandmas spoil them. We also set toys aside in the closet and pulled them out later after Christmas. Sometimes we gave things away. You can still teach them the true meaning of Christmas and giving. We had parents from my husband's divorced parents and aunts and uncles totally overload them with gifts but we also taught our kids about giving and appreciation. Whether your In-laws want to be generous or be the "favorite" you can't control what they do. Just work around them. That's just my 2 cents. Good luck to you!!

My kids have an Aunty that is JUST like that. And she is rich, has no kids and no Husband. She likes to "spoil" my kids.
I have tried... speaking to her about it.
It does not help.
She tells me "Its my money, I can get them what I want... it is my choice, its my traditions for them. Don't control me."
Oh well.

But so, I talk to my kids about it. That their Aunty is very generous with them... they are lucky. She loves them very much. BUT... it does not mean, that Aunty is just a toy and gift machine... for them. I taught my kids, to LOVE Aunty, not for what she buys or gives them... but for the fact that she is their Aunty, she is family... and that they KNOW they don't necessarily "need" all those things.. but to show, to her, at least some kind of appreciation and manners about it. Saying thank you etc. And my kids do that, they understand.

We also, every year, sponsor an underprivileged family or child... and give them toys and what is on their "need" list is. So my kids learn about philanthropy... not just getting. They LOVE doing that every year.

My kids are now 4 and 8.

I don't punish my kids as you said, for their Aunty's generosity. But I teach my kids... about receiving things... and the ideas and values and morals behind it.

all the best,
Susan

Maybe have them keep all those toys at THEIR house for when the kids visit.... that way you dont have the mess at your house. If they know they arent going home with you, maybe they wont buy as much.....
That's all I can think of. OR---
Send them my way.... I can barely afford to buy anything for my grandbabies :)

Your children are really young and their grandparents may just be very proud and excited to have them in their lives and have been waiting since they were parents to spoil grandkids. I say let them. As the parent I trim down what I get for the kids.

It is an excellent idea to get the kids in the habit of donating toys to those less fortunate as well as putting gifts to the side for a later date. (You only have the two kids, I had 6 kids in my house at one time and everyone under the sun would bring them gifts during the holidays. Even if each kid only received 3 toys each that would mean there would be 18 more toys at my house.) We developed traditions of giving toys away or pulling toys out at a later point in time to play with as well as putting toys up for much later and a whole host of things. The youngest of those babies is now 16. He still received extravagant gifts from the grandparents as well as the friends of the grandparents which is great. He knows he is loved and appreciated. I also expect them to do thank you's to all the people who considered them.

You and hubby may want to consider making a contribution to their college funds with the money you would have used on their Christmas gifts or donating that money to some needy person or organization in the name of the children.

Again you have very young children so they are not going to notice toys are missing or that they even recieved a certain something. There are however plenty of children in homeless shelters and the like that need and would like to have more than they do especially at the holidays. There really is no harm in doing that and the grandparents don't even need to know. Have a blessed holiday.

I think this is one you are going to have to just suck up and live with. I think it will create a lot of hostility and hurtful feelings to them. Grandparents are around to be overindulgent. You can maybe say something in passing about how you guys are cutting back and want them to know that your children will need a break when opening so they can actually enjoy the presents (since they don't understand that they have to open one and then toss it aside to open another). My parents realized this after one Christmas with four grandchildren that it was too much and this year are getting each child one nice gift then giving us money for their college funds. We love this idea - but THEY came up with it!!

You can ensure the holidays are about tradition, giving, etc at your house, but can't be expected to have your parents and inlaws doing the same.

Good luck!

I grew up rather poor, so I never understand this type of question. And my parents didn't help with or purchase much for my family. What if you just appreciate it. Something could happen to them someday. Sometimes we don't understand why people do things. So many people out there worked so hard to be able to do this because they didn't have anything.I am not sure what the parents background is, but I would hug them and just let them be.

What about a family vacation? Orlando Disney, a disney cruise or something of that nature, time with family is much more memorable than any materalistic gift your in-laws could ever give. We started doing this a couple of years ago and it has worked out great!

well, i see your point, but dont' see a way to ask them how to spend their money. maybe tell them buy as many as you want but children will only open so many right then an dthere then they will take the rest home and open on their own time...that way your not telling them what THEY will do, but what YOU will do.

will probably go over better that way

Isn't it weird that this is an issue?? There are kids in third world countries with no water. and when did it become a grandparents right to spoil the kids monetarily, bah humbug. My MIL think's she is santa too. and it is a whole jealousy thing. I wish grandparents would be grandparents and take the kids to the park or bake cookies for them, not hook them up like ToysRus.

My suggestion would be to come up with 4 things on a list. expect them to actually buy all four even though you say pick two. And i would say the kids can open presents until meltdowns happen and then it's done.
I don't know that you can say "cheap stuff" will be thrown out since that makes you seem greedy even if you aren't. but you could say these toys rated great with quality.

I think you & your DH should sit down and nicley explain to them your concerns about the kids becoming too materialistic/selfish, and then give them a budget. You can tell them that they can either by a couple of gifts that total the budgeted amount or they can buy one big item for the total amount. Emphasize that what you really want the kids to have is lifelong, wonderful memories of their grandparents and that the only way to get those is to spend time together--going to the zoo, going to the beach, playing ball, etc. That is a gift that is priceless.

Or, if you want to not confront them, you can go about this from another angle. Explain to the kids that receiving tons of gifts is great but that there is only some much room in the house for the toys and that there are lots of kids with none, so after each holiday (or gift getting spree), they will be expected to donate some of their gently used toys to (pick your charity--The Children's Hospital, a charity sale, etc., etc.). It's about giving & receiving, and I'm sure you can put it to them in a much nicer way than I wrote here.

Could you suggest a family outing in lieu of so many gifts? tell them "the best gift they can give is their time"!
Dinner, Holiday program/live show would be a great idea.
It may not be met with enthusiasm, but they might comply.
What about telling them you are teaching the kids about the birth of Christ and he got 3 gifts upon birth and that's what you're asking everyone to stick with as the max?

What I did last Christmas and this birthday was to let him open at his pace. If it dragged on all day, oh well. I then also hustled some toys that were a bit older or some that didn't have the immediate wow factor into his closet. Some of these I even forgot about and found them later and brought them out. He isn't punished by taking them away from him. He has seen them and I have judged his reaction, they just go into the rotation.

My dad and in-laws do this too. We scale down what we get him. I'm not even sure what we got him last year....I think we got him something. lol Who cares if it over shadows other presents. At their age, they don't really care much about price, and if you teach them gratitude, they should be fine. You can also teach them about people trying to buy their love.

How about creating a wish list? The kids could then "write" a letter to Santa and you could share it with the grandparents. It might mean more to them "coming from the kids" rather than coming from you and DH.

Your 3.5 yo could point at a couple of well chosen pictures (by you). They could then be cut out/pasted in a letter to Santa. It might work with your 1.5 yo but if not, you could always pick/cut/paste a few things & let the little one color the letter while you or other kiddo does the gluing. ???

Hope this helps! :-)

Could you try splitting it? Give them a few specific ideas, and then say that you are trying cut down on the chaos? Or, ask them to do the zoo, college fund, but have something for them to open to go with it...like a dollar store animal with a certificate for zoo membership? not sure how well you can talk to them...

it seems like your problem is more with the actual opening of gifts...but i have to say this...i don't think your kids would feel punished if you hid away a few of the gifts. if your kids are like mine, the new ones keep their attention more. let them open them all (make grandparents happy) and play with the ones they are most drawn to and hide the others away. if they remember it and ask for it, get it out. otherwise...how great to take advantage of this problem and have a stock of new toys to bring out later on a rainy boring day!

Hi Erin,

I don't think this is a battle you can win without at lot of hurt feelings, so I won't even approach it with a conversation. My mother-in-law loves to buy presents, so I'm not going to be able to change that. I'm not exaggerating when I say we went to Toys'r'us to just look for Christmas presents and came home with an SUV full of toys, so i totally understand what you mean. She has a different style than I do, so I let her get her things and I buy what I like and the kids play with what they want to. It's easier not to stress over it. I know that you said you didn't want to save them to hand out during the year, but why not? Your kids are young enough that they don't need to play with everything they get all at once, but changing out the toys every month keeps them interested. I say just get what you want for the kids and don't worry about what someone else is buying. Why can't you guys give them expensive things that aren't physical items, like the zoo memberships, sports lessons, dance classes, circus trip, Disney on ice, etc.? If you're kids are too overwhelmed when opening stuff, step in and give them a break and maybe have a conversation with your in-laws about how you could make that go smoother, but I just don't think you're go to be able to control other peoples actions. I'm sorry if this isn't very helpful, but I guess my advice is to relax and don't stress about fun stuff like presents. Good luck!

Every point you have just made it sound and valid.

Did your parents actually witness the frenzied opening of the gifts last year, followed by all the frustration? If so, I would think they would automatically adjust their buying to keep things a bit lower key. But if it's jealousy and 'like me the best' routine going on then perhaps not.

I would feel very confident asking them to invest in something wiser. But you are going to have to accept one of the solutions, i.e. one of the outcomes that you outline in your own question. There is no great solution when the motivation behind the giving is to gain favoritism.

My children have also been the recipient of too many extravagant toys and clothes from my in-law side. And I have returned many items for something more practical. The kids won't know the difference at this age. I don't think it sends a punishing message, but rather a good steward message. We just don't need all the stuff.

Which is my new favorite word: our society suffers from "STUFFOCATION" - we are suffocating from too much stuff to manage in our lives.

So, it's ultimately not your long term problem how they respond. They will either do graciously or ungraciously and it seems you are trying to circumvent the later. You and hubby should think about your family future needs/wants and make it known to them without feeling any guilt whatsoever. We finally asked my husband's side of the family to send just one gift per child and preferably something for their college funds. We did have to set up a college fund though and send them the account info. They still prefer to buy gifts, as come on, it's Christmas and they enjoy buying toys just as much as anyone.

I don't know if this helps, but honestly, you shouldn't feel stumped. You sound very articulate and logical about how to manage the holiday's differently this year.

Been there. It's frustrating, isn't it?

I agree with Somer that you can't really set rules for THEM. But, you can take the time now, before they shop (lol), and let them know that since last year was so __ (chaotic, crazy, beyond the kids' ability to cope, __) that you (you and your husband - he should be the one verbalizing this to his parents, you to your parents) decided that things will be handled a little differently this year. That since the kids can only handle so much, that you guys will only allow them to open __# of gifts from extended family at a time; and that you'd prefer that the kids not be shown gifts that they won't be allowed to open right then. That you think it will make the day much more enjoyable for everyone. That they will then be able to enjoy playing WITH your kiddos with their new stuff and making memories, rather than watching them and then your kids having meltdowns.

It might be easier to give more specific advice about this, if you explained how you "do" your get togethers. Do you go to their home? Do they come to yours? Alone, or at the same time as YOUR parents? Do other siblings come and bring their kids as well? All of this fun details will help figure out the "best" way to address this problem.

Wishing you a Happy Christmas!

Have an honest discussion w/ the grandparents. Tell them that you really want to teach your children that Christmas is not about "what will I get" while still allowing them to enjoy the idea of Santa while they are young. Tell them that you need their help with this. Ask them to help you by not going overboard or buying a lot (in quantity or dollar amount). Tell them that your son was very overwhelmed last year. Let them know that while you know they mean well, you would really appreciate them purchasing quality over quantity or expense (example would be instead of buying everything in the toy department maybe buying a nice toy that they have asked for, an outfit, and whatever else they want to spend should go towards a savings bond, savings account, college fund, or a membership like you mentioned).

You could also try to steer them towards educational toys.

If they insist on lots of toys etc, tell them they need to have them under your tree Christmas morning and be marked from "Santa". Which doesn't completely solve the problem but does help some.

If necessary, have the same tal with your family.

I think it's perfectly fine to set them a limit.

And I would say beforehand to maybe tell them the consequences. Like, there will be a limit of X many gifts (if they bring more, you'll put them away for later without the kids knowing).

And I think it's okay to give them a $$ limit to. And if they want to spend more than that, then either cash (for you to put in kids college fund) or a direct donation to the kids college fund.

And I think it's perfectly acceptable to tell them that you've had the same conversation with the other set of grandparents (even if it isn't necessary).

Good luck!

I didn't read any of the responses but here is my thought; Maybe you can tell them your concerns about receiving so many gifts & your goals about not wanting to overindulge the children & ask them for their thoughts & their input.

If that doesn't work then maybe you can use the money you would spend on xmas gifts & put it into a savings, or use it for park district classes, zoo memberships, a family vacation, etc

Good luck

Give them some lists of what the kids need/want and/or tell them what the kids are into and what they are not into. You could also put on the list stuff they don't need/want to hopefully keep some of the "junk" out. Granted I am not the grandma, just the aunt, but I always have my sister give me a list of what to get the kids. And my mom always asks me what to get my kids. If she sees something that i didn't ask for, she will call me and ask. I would save the most exciting gifts (don't put them on the list) to give them from santa or from you. But that is just me.

Good to have that conversation now while your kids are still young before they have the tradition and expectation of being overindulged at Christmas. I would ask DH to give his parents a limit on the number, size, and dollar amount on gifts you will allow your kids to receive from grandparents and/or relatives. It will be the same for each side of the family. I would ask that he have the conversation very gently and stress that you do not want overwhelmed, overindulged kids, or kids who have materialistic expectations of the holidays. And if they get too many gifts from extended family, it takes away from your immediate family (and Santa's) ability to gift them. Maybe there is a special non-gift tradition they have share each year with the kids, like decorating gingerbread houses, going sledding, or to a Christmas parade together, that they can also start, as you want them to cherish time spent together over the material things.