Grandparent Issues - Indianapolis,IN

Updated on August 04, 2008
M.N. asks from Indianapolis, IN
4 answers

I need a little advice about how to handle a somewhat delicate situation, as almost all family situations can be. My in laws have never really had much of an interest in my children. They have never had much interest in seeing them or spending time with them. They do however take a very active role on the lives of my sister in laws children. They make the effort to visit them on a regular basis, ask to have them spend th night, take them to movies, all the things that grandparents usually do. It was not such a big deal when my kids were younger because they never really noticed what was happening, however now they are starting to notice and are asking questions. What should I tell my children.

There are some other factors to consider as well. My son has autism and my mother in law is remarried to a man who has his own grandchildren. One of his grandchildren is a bully that loves to pick on and beat up our son. My mother in law and her husband never stop this child or even say anything to him. The last time we saw them my husband ended up having heated words with the child's dad becuse he basically said our son was a baby and was just crying to get attention when he was in a full melt down because of his son's bad behavior and bulying. My husband has said he is prepared to wrie his mother off and just stay away. The only problem I have with this idea is that our children are old enough now to realize they are no longer seeing thir grandmother. What should we do? Any advice appreciated.

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K.W.

answers from Indianapolis on

Unfortunately, I know what you mean. Sometimes separation is good to help them understand what they are missing. I hated it, but there also comes a time when the kids need to realize that their grandparents are doing. You can't sheild them from that forever.

My in laws were like this when our girls were young. We had to sort of cut them off for a while. After a couple of years of that, we began to rebuild the relationships and they became much more interested in my girls because they realized how much they were missing.

It's tough, I know. But, sometimes family relationships are the hardest and hurt the most. You may just have to teach your kids about this sad truth a little early!

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K.L.

answers from Indianapolis on

Family issues are always prickly at best, especially when the
in-laws are showing blatant favoritism. (welcome to my world)

NOTHING comes before the health and well being of your children! Visits to grandma's should be short, or better yet, should be in your home, where you can be more in control of the situation and players. It may be too, that grandma is not fully aware of autism, and how to relate to your son. Is she willing to be educated and learn more?

Unfortunately, these are things that you will need to sort through, and maybe just start with short visits with just her in your home - be sure that your husband is there... not necessairly to "gang up" on her, but as your support and back up. Have her over for a short time - lunch, snack, dessert after dinner - whichever time is your son's best time of day.
See what happens, and how she handles the situation. Then, take it from there ....

Best of Everything to you as you walk down this difficult road.

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S.D.

answers from Indianapolis on

Tell your in-laws everything you told us and if they fail to see the harm they are causing your children, both mentally and physically, explain to your kids that you love them and it's best for them not to see their grandparents for the time being. They may come around and they may not, but it sounds like a pretty bad situation you don't want to be subjecting your kids to.

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S.P.

answers from Indianapolis on

I am sorry you are having this problem.
I have 10 grandchildren and would not want any of them to feel left out.
When my own children (6) were young their paternal grandparents did not pay as much attention to the younger ones as they did the older.
We lived 1000 miles away though which made it harder.
They weren't overtly negligent, just different...say, from my mother, who was in our home and very attentive and helpful.
Honestly, if I were you, in the situation you describe, I would distance my family from them really for the sake of your children.
Your children do NOT need to be around such behavior and negativity.
And I would tell my children that you don't like the feelings that occur when they are around and just withdraw.
If it becomes necessary to be around them and there is any questionable or inappropriate behavior, I would leave immediately.
If they (the grandparents) ever ask why....I would say that you have decided that your children do NOT need to be reminded of their second-class standing, or to be bullied etc.
If you do not take a stand, the stuff you described will just continue.
And why in the world would you want your children to be around that?
There are just some grandparents who are this way and don't get it...my friend's mother could have cared less about her boys...it is disappoinng, sure, but better to not expose your children to that negativity.
Also, it sounds as if they might be ignorant about your son
but that is no excuse.

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