Gender Disappointment and the Shock of Twins

Hi L., Well the only thing I can say is, I know how you feel. I have two baby boys, not twins, they are 2 and 4. I too long for a daughter, so we are just about to start trying for our 3rd and I was hoping for a daughter too. So I checked the Chinese birth chart, yes I know, crazy. And it was MMMMMMMMMMMMMM all across the board. I prayed about this and I want to share the thoughts that came to mind. It takes a really special person to mother boys, they are very complex individuals and they have a very delicate ego. The mother son bond is sooo important, it truly shapes them. And the majority of successful men thank one woman for all they have, Mom. And there are tons of young women who need strong men! You have been giving an awesome opportunity to leave your legacy and value and teachings to this world. Cherish your gifts! Take a deep breath, and know that one day you will have 5 daughter in laws, and think of how many granddaughters you could have! You are so brave to let out your honest feelings as most of us just keep them in, I am proud of you for doing that and writing just how you feel. It is hard to feel blessed when you are disappointed. But just hang in there, and look forward to double I love you mamas and double snuggles at feeding time. You are in our prayers for sure.
Take Care,
A.

2 moms found this helpful

Hey L.,

First Congratulations on another pregnancy. And then onto your question. Everything in life is a mindset. Your gender disappointment is extremely valid. I can't sympathize with you because I have never set my mind on one sex. I know it must be hard for you, so I am not negating the fact that after 3 boys and still wanting a girl you would find disappointment in discovering you are having 2 more boys. The mindset issue is psychosocial and we all have a way to make ourselves happy or miserable. So what I am saying is that you at this point you have the choice to accept and become happy about 2 more baby blessings on the way. If you were someone who had struggled with infertility, the idea of 2 boys would be more than enough. Since you are someone with 3 sons, 2 more seems the norm and disappointing since you want a girl. I can only tell you that God has a plan, no matter how much we try to alter it. And that you must raise wonderful sons as he is entrusting you with 2 more when you were only seeking to add 1 more to the family. I am sure you are working to find peace with this and I know you will. Gender disappointment occurs only when we are set on having a specific gender. And the shock of twins is adding to the stress. I do hope you find resolution soon or seek counseling briefly to obtain a more positive perspective. Strength wise, you have done this(raised boys) before and know what you are doing.

Your expectations on what a daughter will bring are most likely not realistic. I say this not meanly but truthfully. Most often boys are closer to their mother. And while a daughter is usually more in touch with family once grown, there often is the teenage years were it can really go either way. The idea of dressing a girl up, dresses, bows and bracelets ends quickly. Wanting to plan her wedding, not likely to happen as she will be independent. And then,not sure which side of family your oldest inherited his bipolar d/o, but females are more likely to have it, therefore if any history of bipolar is on your family side, then you are looking at a 50/50 that a daughter would have it. As you already know, it is hard for the person as well as all family members. And conduct disorder is the diagnosis given in childhood when children are too young to diagnose as bipolar or antisocial personality.

Other things, but don't come too hopeful, is that the sonographer could have seen the same twin twice, or seen umbilical cord and called both babies boys. You should wait for more followup ultrasounds to know for sure, but in the mean time still prepare yourself for boys. It will be less reoccurring disappointment. As for other options, you could foster or adopt a girl. Some options are costly but some come with stipends and federal aid. Also look at your family size and income as a family of 7 or 8 will obviously cost more and depending on income could enable you to qualify for certain programs that would make it more affordable to add again. And then don't forget that the half of those girls that are not close to their moms, well when your sons date, meet and marry, they will need you. And you will eventually gain some daughters and hopefully granddaughters.

On a personal note, I am one of 4 girls, my parents gave up on wanting a boy. My husband is one of 3 boys. My parents have 4 granddaughters, we just can't seem to get a boy to save our lives, and my in laws expected only boys, but after one grandson, have 2 granddaughters. You just never know.

Boy or girl, healthy or sick, they are simply Angels from God, entrusted to us to care for as long as God has allowed us to borrow them. Pray for healthy or that you can handle what God is sending you. But don't get caught up in the specifics. My prayers for little ones are just simply that I can handle whatever God sends me and that the time I have with them is long. I tell other people that I never prayed for a healthy 10 toed baby, just a happy one. I pray that your next 2 boys are more than you expected and provide you the hindsight that they were meant to be yours.

May your disappointment dissipate and may you find the energy for 2 more at once.

God Bless and enjoy all your baby blessings,
-MB

2 moms found this helpful

I can imagine how surprised and disappointed you must be. It's hard when you want something a certain way and it just doesn't happen. My in-laws wanted our first kid to be a girl because there were already two grandsons. Then we went and had two boys in a row. However, I think there's something very special about having boys. I think our world these days is very hostile to men and boys, and keeps trying to make them into girls, or accusing them of prejudice and hatred when they're just trying to do what God made them to do (provide and protect). I would suspect that you are a good mother of boys or the Lord wouldn't send you so many. :) I personally didn't have any brothers and always wanted one, but now can see that it was a good thing. (Long story). And now I have two boys, and my husband grew up with all sisters (except one brother 8 years younger than himself), so we're kinda having to feel our way. But it's neat to have little boys.

You probably know that already. However, if you really want a daughter and are not going to have another child, you could perhaps look into fostering a child. My mother-in-law was a foster child and it saved her life. She later went on to nursing school, and later was an outstanding instructor at a nursing school for 16 years. She had seven children and most of them are in school or have finished some form of higher education. So, perhaps when your kids are older, or you feel able to afford another child, you could look into fostering a girl or two. They'll bless you forever for it.

2 moms found this helpful

It is very normal to feel disappointed, so don't beat yourself up over it. I know its tough right now to focus on the positive, but that will help. And I very well know the overwhelmingness of finding out you are caring twins!! I believe when the ultrasound tech told me that I was carrying twins, I responded "You are kidding me". My twin girls are 6 months old now...and it is great. And I can honestly say that I haven't always felt that way and wondered if I would ever feel that way. God knows what we can handle (even though at times I thought HE thought I was much stronger than I was!). It's a journey and a learning experience. I am here if you ever have any questions. Find a great support network...a local Moms of Multiples or online group. We don't have a local twins club here, but I have found and enjoyed the forums at www.twinstuff.com . There is an expecting forum there as well as lots of other info. People have been in your exact same shoes and can help you through this :) Good luck...sending prayers up for you.

1 mom found this helpful

It sounds to me like you've been even more blessed. I can't give you any advice on twins, but those that have had them have said it's twice the work with twice the rewards. I guess you're husband just has an over load of the boy chormosome. Sometimes doctors tell you that you are having a boy and it comes out a girl. I suppose the only way to know for sure would to use the 4d ultrasound. I don't really have advice and I guess that's not why I'm responding. I just wanted to give you a mental high five and tell you that you as a mother are probably strong enough to handle anything. Moms need each other for the support that dads don't know how to give. I hope you're well. Good luck with your pregnancy.

1 mom found this helpful

Hello! Welcome to the wonderful world of twins! My son was 19 months when i found out i was carrying twins (boy/girl). they are now 13 months. Yes, they have kept me extremely busy, but now they're getting fun - they all play together & if you're going to busy with one, you may as well be busy with 2. they take naps together. the other great thing is that now at night, my husband rocks one twin while i rock the other. when we go out, we each have a kid to hold. it's great, when you're able to split up the responsibility. good luck & have fun!! also, get ready to stop sleeping for the next year!! :)

1 mom found this helpful

Hi L.. It's okay to be disappointed at first, but please don't let that spill over for long. It is not their fault that they didn't turn out to be girls! It is a bit overwhelming to have twins - my husband actually asked the nurse who did our ultrasound to go get the doctor so he could have a second opinion. But twins are unique, and so special, and I would not trade my twins for the world!

The best wisdom I ever received was that, no matter how much control or planning we think we have over our life, God really is in control, and whatever He allows He'll give you what you need to get through it.

Good luck.

P.S. Look into the locals "MOMS" group - mothers of multiples - in your area, and they can help you immensely with support, twin consignment sales, etc.

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Please know that it is normal to feel disappointed. Your hopes and dreams for a daughter were crushed and you need time to grieve. However, it is great that you are focused on the fact that the boys are healthy. Do keep the positives in mind and your depression should get better. Tell yourself how blessed you are to have boys! When they grow up and get married, you will be blessed with daughters-in-law. You will bond with them as the "daughters you never had." You will probably get girl grandchildren. You can bond with your grandbabies and spoil them rotten! Just remember, God had a plan for your boys before they ever grew in your womb. And He has a plan for you. These twins will be born and you will love them more than you could ever love a little girl, because the boys are flesh of your flesh and that little girl is a fantasy. Hope things go great the rest of the pregnancy. God bless your family!

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I know that you are sad about not having a girl,but God is the one who lets us have children and picks what we will have. Be very thankful for all that God has given you. God will help you take care of your twins, God never gives more than what we can take care of, if we trust him first of all and always! God wanted you to have boys, and twins. God bless you and your family. I said a pray for you.

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I have 16 month old boy-girl twins and would happy to share with you any experience I can. When i found out I was having twins I knew no one who could relate. I'm sorry that I don't have much wisdom to share for dealing with the gender disappointment. Only I'm sorry for your sadness and I hope with time (and the birth of your boys) it fades. I also can't much help with having twins with older siblings. My twins were my first and so I was able to dedicate all my attention to then. BUT What I am happy and able to help with is any twin advice. I had a bit of a rough pregnancy with pre-term labor (common with twins) and preeclampsia and after being born at 33 weeks the kids were in the NICU for a few weeks. Then they came home and I think we lived in a haze of bottles and diapers and spit up for around about 6 months. I truly don't understand how people handle triplets and more! I had tons of questions and found several mothers who I emailed for advice (both emotional and practical). Some things are just different with twins and moms of singletons just don't understand. I can also point you toward a couple of books I really like (one is Twinspiration). If I can help at all send me a message and I'll be happy to send you my email. I certainly don't have all the answers (as my toddler twins are BOTH pulling on my pants right this second) but I have lived through it!
D.

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L.,
God is in control. You mentioned that after praying, you decided to try again for a daughter. I pray that you can thank the Lord that he believes that you can handle two more precious little boys. Boys are usually closer to their Mom than Dad. Girls become Daddy's little girl. None the less, you have two more boys. I again encourage you to be thankful. Praise the Lord for this blessing. He will give you the strength, courage, wisdom and knowledge as you need it and ask him for it.
D. B.

1 mom found this helpful

Hugs to you L.!! I can't comment on having twins as I don't have them but someone else had great advice on finding a local Moms of Twins group... I know others of my friends who have done this.

On the boys/girls thing... I want a baby girl so bad I can taste it. I love my two boys to pieces but there is something about pretty little dresses, isn't there??? When we have another one, I too would like to try for a girl but have thought that if we have another boy I could consider adoption, if it worked out, down the road a bit... :)

HUGS in your journey...

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As one who is infertile and spent many thousands to have a child who is a girl and have also longed for a boy for awhile but have come to some terms with it all, I do have some sympthy for you. I never felt movement or had labor pains and was told be glad because it's this or that and still did not make me fell better, I just have had to come to terms and be happy that I have a beautiful healthy girl, who does not like shopping, dolls or all that girly stuff, so having a girl would not gaurantee you all those dreams of yours. She is what God made her very special and the same is true with you. Best of wishes in your journey

congrats girl youve been blessed maybe god has a different plan for you maybe youll have one more in another 5 years who knows. Have you ever concidered working from home if so let me know I may be able to help you. Good luck glad to hear they are healthy. Think of the bright side some cant even have one.

K.

I'm sorry to hear you are disappointed but you recognize that you are blessed to be carrying healthy babies. I too would be overwhelmed with the thought of twins and I am sure this is very normal. There are twin-births support groups that you should definitly go ahead and make contact with. Your blessing of girls in the family will come in the future when all your little guys start bringing home girl-friends and then soon to be wife. Concentrate on raising them to be the best men possible. Maybe you'll have some grand-daughters in years to come!! Don't think about the children you don't have, be excited about the future young ladies in your life!!

Congrats on having twins! What a blessing the Lord has given you!! I know the disapointment in only having boys I too only have boys. But in October my oldest married a very sweet girl who is now my daughter in law but I love her like my daughter. And in December they found out she was going to have a baby and guess what they are having a girl! So I will get a girl the best way!! A Granddaughter!

There are groups of moms with twin all over the place, I would found my local one and get they tips on how they do it. They will be very welcome I am sure. I do not have any personal tips because I have never be a twin or had twins.

Sorry I can not feel sorry for you. And yes the main thing is that they are healthy. My second child was also a boy and I wanted a girl very badly to. Well not only did I get a boy he was also blind and retarted. He is 26 now and is doing ok. I did get a granddaughter and am very happy. So maybe you will have a granddaughter. You are truly blessed.

A.