Trying to Cope with Having a 3Rd Boy

When we had our fourth baby we really wanted a boy. I had a son and he really wanted a brother. We found out we were having another girl. I explained to my six year old son that God knows better than we do. If He think we need a girl then we will be happy with a girl. She died at thirty-one weeks. Our hearts were broken. My son was crushed. He looked at me and said through the tears, " I would have painted my whole room pink for her!"

Several months later we became pregnant again. That baby also died. As it turned out he was a boy. Our hearts were broken. We just wanted our babies back. We decided that the heart ache was just to much and we just could go through it again.

God surprised us. Our family received the best surprise ever just a little over a year ago. Our sixth child, a girl, was born. One of my son's friends asked him if he would have rather had a brother. He said, "What? Have you looked her? She is perfect!"

Take it from a ten year old. Your baby will be perfect! Just pray for health!!

9 moms found this helpful

I'm sorry it didn't work out. Everyone is different. Like every disappointment in life, whatever you "feed" is what "grows." The more you think about what you don't have the more disappointing it will be. When people comment on you not getting your girl, be sure to have a positive answer every time. For example, "I guess I won't have to deal with ___!" Plan ahead what you will tell people because you don't want to feed the disappointment. Yes, it is real but you don't have to make it any bigger than it already is. Don't ever let your boys hear you say you wanted a girl. They will feel like they don't meet your needs. I feel bad for the children who feel like they are a disappointment to their parents when they did nothing wrong.

5 moms found this helpful

I was feeling very similar when I learned that I was having another boy in the house as well. It is normal, and yes, it is easy to get frustrated when you had your heart set on something so intensely. With that said, when you hold your youngest son, you will fall in love all over again. Sex of the baby doesn't matter. God gives us what we can handle, and this child is a blessing, regardless of his sex. I have boys at home and have learned to be the pink in my house of blue. Because I don't have a daughter to fuss over, I make sure I doll myself up and feel fabulous doing it. Everything will be fine. Your frustrations are normal, regardless of what everyone else says. You will love this baby so immensely that you will forget that you even wanted a girl. In the future, if you still have your heart set on a girl, you can adopt :) Regardless, congratulations on your third son!

4 moms found this helpful

I happen to have 3 girls...since high school I'd always wanted a boy because I have brothers and I absolutely loved them...their lives, activities...everything was so interesting to me. I can tell you that I've never been dissappointed that my sweet little girl isn't a boy...I can tell you that I seem to carry a part of me that grieves never having had a boy...and I'm too tired to have anymore children...so yes, I carry a sadness with me but only if I think about it and I do not play around with the thought when I do...there is no point. So I have my 3 girls...and don't think it's any picnic by comparison...it's not. I could list out a ton of reasons why, but I don't want to give the idea that I'm trying to one up or compare...the issues are just different with genders...it's all just different. Congratulations...when the doctor laid baby girl #3 and she looked up at me with her new eyes, I knew that her gender made no difference...and that is a memory I carry with me always because I never had that moment of instant love and connection with my other two.

4 moms found this helpful

B., I haven't read through the posts but I'm almost certain there will be some person who doesn't understand how you feel and will tell you to be more grateful. I'm here to say, don't listen to them!!!! There will always be those negative people who seem to assume that you are not thankful for your healthy and beautiful little boys. Because I am a mother, I know for certain you are extremely thankful but you have a dream. If you are anything like me, I have been dreaming my entire life that I would have a boy and a girl (and I shouldn't have to say "healthy" because that is a no brainer!!!). Of course the most important thing in life is to have healthy children. My best friend just had her 3rd boy (her hubby is one of 3 boys and even her mother-in-law is just dying for a girl). A friend of hers is pregnant with her 4th boy and I am friends with a couple who has 6 boys!!!! ....yes 6! They gave up on having the girl they always wanted and realized they were meant to have boys in this life. :) I know my best friend was really disappointed that she will never have that girl (for that mother/daughter relationship). However, a week later, she was over it and very excited. There is an author who wrote a book that I love. Her name is Susan Walton and she is the mother of 4 boys. In her book (maybe the cover, I forget) her 4 grown sons are holding her up on the beach like she is a surf board. There is indeed something really cool about having all boys!!!! The mom is the only female in the family and EVENTUALLY treated like a princess. ....you like my "eventually?" Ha-ha! My best friend feels this way too. In fact, just yesterday, she was telling me that her boys (who used to not get along) ask each other to play Wii all of the time because they won't play alone. They want that companionship. They also share a room and stay up talking at night about boy things. (they are 4 and 6 now). I even thought to myself, that is really cool. I'll probably not have that since I have a boy and a girl. Don't worry, your feelings will pass and you will no doubt love this little boy to pieces! Don't feel guilty for it either. It's not that you aren't happy about having a healthy baby boy, it's just that a dream of yours has been put to rest and it's going to take a little time to accept.

3 moms found this helpful

My husbands co-worker just had baby girl #6. He was hopin this would be the boy he'd always hoped for. (they opt'd not to find out the sex) He said when she came out there was some sadness but when he held her gender didn't matter he was holding what was meant for them. A healthy baby girl with the most gorgeous eyes. He said they are done trying and though he is a little sad every laugh, smile, and even tears makes up for that.

I'm sure there will be sadness, but the moment you hold him in your arms and look into his eyes it'll be love at first sight. If you're really having a hard time coping I'm sure you can talk to your doctor, maybe find a support group, and of course we're all here for you! Relax and enjoy whats been gifted to you. Congrats and Best Wishes!!

3 moms found this helpful

I have to tell you, it's hard for me to understand all of the mom's talking about being disappointment about their babies sex.... There are so many women out there that want and long for babies and can' have them. It took me seven years to even be able to conceive my son. I didn't care if it was a boy or girl, as long as my child was healthy because I was so blessed to FINALLY be able to be pregnant. God is so wonderful, he is blessing us with a second child at the end of September. Again, I had so many troubles in the beginning, I don't care if I have another boy or if it's a girl, as long as it's a healthy baby. My cousin tried for six years and finally got pregnant and lost her son at 14 weeks. My friend tried for six years and finally got pregnant and lost her baby at 12 weeks. Be thankful and blessed that you have even had the opportunity to HAVE three boys. I understand wanting a girl, I do, but you really have to overlook the disappointment in not getting what you "want" and realize what you have been blessed with. I don't know if you had any issues getting pregnant or during your pregnancies, but take it from someone that had issues and has many friends/family members with issues having kids.... be grateful God has blessed you with healthy children.

2 moms found this helpful

A friend of mine was exactly in the same situation. She "got over it" quite fast and accepted it and after her son was born, she just loved him as much as if he was a girl and wouldn't like him to be different.
However, even though SHE did get over her frustration, she told me that often, the hardest to deal with were people around her, especially close family and friends, who knew she craved a girl and were always commented about it, either to cheer her up or to pity her. Just be ready to answer these comments that you will have again and again.
On the positive side, Your two son will probably enjoy a baby brother more than a sister a few years from now.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi B. - I can understand your disappointment but I encourage you not to dwell in your disappointment much longer. It's just not a very healthy choice. It's not healthy for your brain, your body or your baby. Enjoy the baby growing inside you and all the hopes and dreams that will be realized through him.

2 moms found this helpful

Hey B.,

Take everything with a grain of salt. You've gotten some pretty tasteless responses. Roll those eyes and move on!

I know how you feel - I'm in a house full of boys and wish I could have a girl, but I think we'll be done after this one is born. Sometimes things just don't turn out like you hoped - and people can fuss at you all day long about being grateful and being happy with what you have but you know what - you feel how you feel. And its hard to feel like something you really wanted might not come through.

I'm definitely the princess of the house. Its helpful in a silly way... but helpful nonetheless. I also spoil my nieces rotten. If it gets to be something you really struggle with maybe you could consider adopting a girl?

Thats our plan if we decide we want another baby down the road.

Hang in there! It'll be alright - And keep it classy ladies! If you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all. She didn't post a request for support and advice to receive a bunch of cranky responses. Jeez.

2 moms found this helpful

I know what you mean. I didn't find out with all 3 of mine until birth time what gender. I was really, really sure that #3 was going to be a girl and nope---another boy. At first, I was very sad and then realized God's plan is perfect for us. He brings friends, spouses, children...into our lives that He wants in our lives. He does not give us what we want, he gives us what we need. Powerful words.

I am very good at boy things. I can shoot a basketball, catch a lizard, and catch a football. Many times, I miss having a girl...someone to shop with...my boys hate shopping! Would be cool to go get my nails done with a daughter every once in a while....but my occasional trip for pedicure is quiet time for just me.

Something that has happened to me as my kids have become teens----and this may happen to you, too. We go to school events or things in the neighborhood or at church, and I'll just be talking to one of my son's girl acquaintances or friends and BLAH!
All their frustration, or a fear, or problem comes spilling out.

Last week, I was up at school setting up for an event, and one of the sophomore girls came up and asked if I had a minute. She shared with me some real concerns she had about a boy who wanted to date her. She hadn't told her parents yet....and was wondering what I thought.

I firmly believe b/c I don't have daughters that would over hear any of these things (and of course share them with the school!) that some of these girls trust me.
I am mother to all boys but hope and pray that I am a valuable ear to girls whose mothers and fathers are getting a bit tired of the "girl drama." Many of them tell me their parents don't listen to their stories, when the girls are really trying to find a way to ask for advice.
See, we don't have much drama in our house.....I probably listen well because I love having teenagers TALK to me.

Smiles!

1 mom found this helpful

I have three beautiful girls. When I became pregnant for the 3rd time and found out it was another girl, I was very disappointed. I wanted a baby boy so bad. But I guess that's the way the cards were dealt for me. But once you see your 3rd precious baby boy and you hold him in your hands and knowing that he is in good health you will forget all about it. And yes at times I wonder what it would be like if I had a boy and I still wish I could have one but it's too late for me. Enjoy your baby because all of them will have a different personality that will bring you JOY.

Not So Dispress.

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In a similar tune to Allison C's response, I laugh and say "I'm the queen of the house!" when I'm asked about my sons. I even jump in a little (say it early on) so I don't get any "oh, don't you wish you had a girl?" comments or questions.

Describing myself as the "queen" helps me (it's my comfort, my consolation, my mantra) to keep from feeling sad or depressed about it. I don't say it often now-a-days. My teen, tween and 2nd grader are all healthy boys and they, quite literally, keep me extremely busy!

Once in a while, I will think about how much I wanted a girl (would like to have a baby girl) but, in turn, accept what God has given me (and our family).

Congratulations on getting pregnant!

1 mom found this helpful

Well, I can relate -- sort of...except my situation was the opposite. I joke now about how the only reason my third daughter came to be is that she was our final attempt at having a son. And once that failed, yet again, we were left with no choice but to shut down the baby factory and deal with what the good Lord gave us.

Blessed us with, actually!!!! Sure, we were disappointed too, and I'd be lying if I told you that I don't still have moments, even today, that I feel a bit sad that I'll never know what it's like to mother a son......but what you've got to keep coming back to is how incredibly lucky you are that your children are HEALTHY, and that you were even ABLE to conceive in the first place!!! Never forget that there's a lot of women out there who would be thrilled to be in your shoes.....!!!!!!!!!

Yes, allow yourself to feel what you feel -- for now. It's all normal, and it's OK. Kinda nice that you already know, so you can go ahead now and grieve, be bummed, cry, talk to friends who understand and will support you -- get it all out of your system, take as much time as you need.

But then, BE DONE, so that you can welcome your new, beautiful baby boy into the world with the joy he deserves come delivery day.

My best wishes to you!

1 mom found this helpful

B.,
Many moms here have made posts that reflect my own feelings. I started handing out flowers, but gave up halfway up the page. :)

My husband wanted a girl more than anything. We got 2 boys. I could hear his heart break at "that" ultrasound both times. But, once they were born and he stared into those faces, let me tell you about a man who loves his boys!

Due to my age and chronic health conditions which worsen during pregnancy, we decided to stop after #2. Had we started earlier, we would have had 4 or 5 kids. (Probably all boys:) Initially, we toyed with adopting a girl, but that desire faded with the growth of our boys. I enjoy being in the sorority of "Boy Moms." We perceive ourselves as special and cool. But, truly all moms are special. (But, boy moms ARE cooler) I'm kidding!!

Don't worry, you will enjoy days of your boys dragging every single boy from the 'hood home to play and their general acceptance of most other boys of all ages. Mine are 3 years apart, but think that they are peers. They play with each other's friends as easily as they do with their own.

In summary, you're not "bad" for being disappointed and you'll get over it the moment he's born. You may mourn having no girls as we did, you may not. You'll still be a great mom!

Just don't hope that this will be the "good one" - you already have him. They get rottener down the line.

My very best wishes to you for a happy and healthy pregnancy and a healthy bouncing (all over the place) baby boy!
B.

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I guess you an I are alot a like I have 2 girls and am 37 wks with my third girl.
I look at it this way god has given me 3 healthy girls if he had wanted me to have a son I would have. You we be just fine.

1 mom found this helpful

We have 4 boys in a row and have given away all of our girl clothes...husband says if we want a girl again we'll have to adopt :) I can't answer for you, but though boys have a lot of energy, they are a delight to watch. Our 4 are 10, 8, 5, and 2 and love each other fiercely, take up for each other, want to be like each other and their daddy, and love to give their mommy wildflowers (or weeds) and kisses. Yes, they compete, yes, occasionally I have to break up a fight over a toy. The two oldest go to bed laughing (usually over some sort of underwear/potty joke) and play all day long (if I let them). The third child wants to be included and is thrilled to be invited to go camping with them and dad for the first time. (rubbed it in to younger brother who cried and will be going on the next trip) Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with the thought that when my daughters leave home (not ready for this) I'll be alone with all these boys! My mother-in-law had 2 boys and always wanted a girl...was so sweet to say that this was one of the reasons she was so happy to have daughter-in-laws. Until then...enjoy! Life is never dull with these little men!

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By the time your baby is born, your sons will be EXACTLY the ages that my hubby's two brothers were at the time of my hubby's birth. My mother-in-law spoke about how her daughters-in-law are so important; we're the daughters she never had. She and I have a wonderful relationship. I see her as a friend in whom to confide, on whom to lean, and to support. It's really great for both of us. I wish you the same friendship if/when your sons pick your daughters-in-law.

My hubby has great stories about his childhood, growing up with his two older brothers. They did get into some mischief, but they were always friends. And to see them now as adults... goofy, caring, good friends... I have fun just being around the three of them!

If all this doesn't help with your feelings of disappointment, perhaps I can appeal to your practical side. Just think of the MONEY you'll save not having to buy new girlie things for the little one.

I wish you well and congratulations!

1 mom found this helpful

I have 3 boys and #3 was an oops. BUT I love the fact that all my kids are the same gender. It really does make things a lot easier. They can be all rough and tumble boy and no one gets in their way. I chaperone a lot of the school field trips and honestly do not know what I would do with a girl.

But you will need to still be you with all that testosterone around. I have one room in my house that is the girliest thing. Funny thing is, it is our downstairs guest bath an the one they use on a regular basis.

You will be okay. I am not going to chide you for wanting one sex over another. I did. I didn't get it.

Good Luck! There is lots of fun you can have with boys!

1 mom found this helpful

Sorry but shame on you. You should be more concerned that you have a happy and healthy child no matter what the gender. Sure we all want a boy and a girl but we get what God gives us and should be thankful. How lucky you are to have "My Three Sons". What joy they will bring in to your life. Get over the fact it was not the girl you were hoping for. If you want more children in the future hopefully that girl will come, but if not it certainly isn't the end of the world. I had some friends when I was growing up that had 11 girls and the mother finally had a boy. I wouldn't recommend that but just goes to show you will get what you get and be happy for it. However if you are truly depressed to where it is making you ill, please talk to your doctor. You don't want that child to enter this world not being truly wanted.

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When that gorgeous little baby comes out, you will probably forget your disappointment. Children have a way of doing that ...

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Congrats! I always say that a baby is always something to rejoice about!

I have four girls and we did REALLY want a little boy. And we had our little boy, but he died at 40 weeks, the day before my scheduled cesarean. I miss him so much, and all those rude comments like "Don't you want a little boy?" typically gets a reply of "yes, we had a boy and he died." It gets pretty annoying. We have NO CONTROL over what gender children we birth.

I had twins, one of them ectopic, and I believe they were girls and I would have been so happy after loosing Benjamin to have twin girls! But I lost them and one of my fallopian tubes.

My husband has cancer now and has undergone chemo and they said that we may not be able to have children.

I don't know what God has for us and although I do REALLY WANT A BOY I'd be just as thrilled to have a girl! As it turns out, it's a lot of fun to have multiple children of the same gender. They share clothes (the 7, 6,5 year olds do anyway) and toys. They are the best of friends. That might not be, if they were two girls and two boys. It works out very well for our family.

And trust me, when they put him in your arms the last thing you will think is "drats, another boy!"

Happy
S., homeschooling mom to 4 girls

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The health of your baby boy will overide those feelings and you do not know what God has in store for you....you may get your baby girl one day!

Mother of 3 Healthy Boys 2 teens and a one year old...how funny..lol

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I felt the same way when baby #2 was not a girl. Had a quick cry and moved on. You are going to have to do the same thing. It will be hard at first and some people might not understand you feeling but they are real. Look at all the great qualities of boys... you don't have to brush their hair every morning. It doesn't matter if it is sticking straight up, you don't have to matchy-match their clothes, you already have boys clothes (no extra cost there), boys love their Mommy's, you already know how to take are of boys.

You will not always feel this way but you have to go through. Once that little bundle comes out, you won't want anything else.
Oh, did I mention that I have 3 boys now! You will come to love and have fun with them. If you are anything like me, it will take some time to learn what boys do and what to do with them. They are truely different from little girls!
Have a great day, keep your chin up and find a good friend to call and talk to about this. If you don't have one that would understand, let me know!
God always knows what He is doing.

1 mom found this helpful

I felt the same way you did. We would have liked to have a girl. As the other moms responded, God gives you want you can handle. My little bear has been the best blessing I could ever have hoped for. He is always looking out for me and always is the first one to the door when I come home to give me hugs and kisses. I would not trade my three boys for anything in the world. Plus, as my boys always say I am the only girl in the family and I am always their queen. Hope this helps. L.

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Please, always remeber that children come from God. Be thankful and bask in the glory of thankfulness and know that God knows what is best. If it is to be it will be. Hold on and love your 3 boys and perhaps you will get your wish. I lost my 15 month old grandson in October 2009, I have to remind myself that God's will be done.

A child is a blessing no matter what the gender. I have a friend who just had her 4th girl. Don't fret. The Lord may have plans for you to only have boys. Be happy they are healthy.

B. I don't always post, but couldn't help but feel your heart on this one. I had all girls and my girls have had all boys. I know you're a great mom and your disappointment will dissipate in time. Evidently, the good Lord knew you had the "stuff" to nurture these up and coming little men who will grow up to be movers and shakers in our world. Teach them well and instill in them the values and characteristics that will someday cause them to make the choice of the "daughters" to bring home to meet their wonderful mom. May you have a smooth pregnancy, safe delivery and beautiful third son.

Time will tell if I can have a 3rd child. A few weeks after the birth of our daughter, I was diagnosed with cancer (day before my son's second birthday) and went through 5 months of chemo.

My Oncologist says my chemo should not have affected my fertility, but there are no guarantees my cancer won't come back. I'm almost 18 months out of treatment, will be 35 in a few weeks and really want another baby. But, if my cancer returns, I'll have only one more chance of beating it - a stem cell transplant with a 50% success rate.

I don't even know if it's responsible for me to do that and to possibly leave my husband and 2 young kids let alone another baby.

So, I'm with the other moms who say focus on the healthy baby and not the gender. We can't choose it, and whose to say that had it been a girl, she would have been healthy? I won't say shame on you because we each digest things personally, and it's certainly your prerogative to be upset, but turn that energy into being the best mother for your children and love them knowing that none of us can predict what will happen in the future.

My mom really hoped for a boy her 3rd and last time around, but got another girl. As soon as she saw my sister she wouldn't have had it any other way.

Also, just because a child is male or female doesn't mean they'll act a certain way.

I have a 10 year old girl and 6 year old boy. Most of the time I might as well have TWO boys. My DD is always digging in the dirt, looking for snakes & worms, catching lizards and bugs! She can't stand being in frilly clothes unless she knows she'll be with girly-girls.Yes, she has had a "boyfriend: already, but he wasn't mature enough so she broke up with him after a couple of weeks. I love that she's a tomboy because I was a tomboy, too. I still don't like wearing dresses or getting dressed up to go anywhere.

Have fun!

Aw, I do feel for you. I have 2 boys and don't plan on any more kids but if I did I know my heart would be set on a girl. There is a part of me that will always miss not having one. HEre is what I think about to feel a little better:
But I do believe that Moms bond with their little boys in a much more special way than they do with little girls. I notice that difference a lot now that my kids are getting older. I also notice that little boys are MUCH MUCH easier than the little girls I know. Actually I don't think I would be a good mom to a girl because I could not handle the drama and everything else that goes along with that. My son is in second grade and is still SO sweet. Not the case with his female peers. I notice a huge difference when I go into the classroom. They are starting already at that "mean" girl tattle tale eyerolling thing. LAstly, you are not guaranteed, even if you DO have a girl, to have the kind of girl that you want. Meaning, you may be fantasizing about a "princess" who wants to dress up and be a cheerleader but you may get a "tomboy" who is an antisocial bookworm.

Like the song...
Keep your sunny side up, up
Hide the side that is blue....
If you have 9 sons in a row, baseball teams make money you know....

Be happy!!! He is an absolute blessing!!!!

You will be the Queen in a house of men!!! We should all wish to be so lucky!!!
B., I FULLY get WHY you are at a stand still....but just know that IT IS for a reason.....you will have three straping teenagers one day...and proud of EVERY one of them.

i have 2 boys and always had a notion that i wasn't meant to have girls. I was right. i am 35 weeks pregnant with my last boy. I was not sad when i found out. I was happy to be carrying a life inside of me. as long as he/she was healthy it did not matter what the sex was. Good luck with the boys. just think you won't have to deal with the pickiness of girl clothes lol.

Just prepare to fall in love. You will love
what you get. Too often we think we know
what we need. This little guy will add
something that is missing in your mix and
you won't be able to envision life with
that special little boy.

From another B.--There are no accidents. God knows that you wanted a baby girl, but in His infinite wisdom, He's giving you another boy. Trust that he knows what He's doing, and that this baby boy is going to be unique and very special.

My husband is the second son of a three-boy family. His mom, dad, older brother, and he all hoped for a baby girl when his younger brother was born. At the time, it seemed really important, but of course, their family bonded, grew, and loved exactly the way they were. Their home was noisy, messy, and oftentimes, someone was bleeding. My dear mother-in-law says she couldn't imagine her life any differently, and she always smiles when she tells their funny stories.

As each son married, the family welcomed each new daughter. And the funny thing is, that when the next generation of these three boys came along, there was only one grandson, and seven granddaughters. I know you've heard older moms tell you to cherish these years because they pass quickly. It really is true. I imagine the thought of grandchildren seems a thousand years away to you now, but it really will happen sooner than you expect. Be thankful for the precious family the Lord has blessed you with, and know that He isn't finished yet.

On another note--I have friends with five daughters. They had hoped for a boy, but now couldn't imagine their lives without every one of their little princesses.