Flipping the Script

Yes, do make the changes. But do it a few baby steps at a time. For example, take away the binky and establish "no dessert unless dinner is finished." You can probably take away half her toys and put them in storage--she can't play with all of them at once. Then, after a couple of weeks, rotate the toys--put one bin of toys away and get out one that was in storage--this will seem like "new toys" (to some extent).

Like one poster said, yes, do it now, but don't take on so much that you're overwhelmed, frustrated, and losing it... or worse, giving in.... Once you give in once, it will take 2x or 3x as much effort to break her of bad habits when you try again later.

Post house rules. Review them with her daily.
Apply FOLLOW THROUGH or don't even start.....

You can't change everything overnight.
address O. "big" issue at a time (binky, sleep schedule)

Why would you take away half of her toys now and make her earn them back when she's done what's allowed until now. If you've got too much stuff, put some away for a rainy day, but I think that's a little overboard.

Sounds to me like a sneaky way to provide consequences and still allow you guys to be the heroes with providing "earned" rewards!

My husband and I were talking about bratty kids the other day. One of the conclusions we came to is that without fail our friends that have this type of kid have one thing in common....they do NOT follow through with their word and so therefore their word means nothing to their children. Just the other day we were at a friends house-their son took a toy right out of my son's hand blatantly. They said-"now now-we do not take toys." But failed to make the kid give the toy back!!!!!!! This happens all the time. A very timid chastisement for wrongdoing does not a good child make. So say what you mean and mean what you say..thats my advice.

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You are spoiling her surely... dessert without supper? That's never been allowed in my house, even for the adults (which is tempting at times!)

Really, be consistent and give her reasons to earn rewards, remain firm in your rules. Don't let tantrums get to you and don't give in.. Give her plenty of praise, but remain firm. Give her a big girl binky free day out, pakcage up all the pacis and send them to the paci fairy, who will distribute them to other little babies who need them. Make it a fun game. When she asks for it, remind her you gave them away. She'll sulk for a week then get over it. No trauma. She is old enough to help pick up toys, help make her bed, clear her dishes from the table, put clothes away...

Dr. Sears has excellent advice on creating a constructive, but positive discipline system:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

Kids want boundaries, her constant pushing is to test to see where they are, as you readjust, she will rebel and then fall in to line. I saw this early but it is worth repeating. Be consistent, no positive attention for negative behaviors. Acknowledge her feelings and then stick to your guns. I agree with the 1-2 behaviors at a time. Talk to your spouse about a list of behaviors to be "remediated" and then prioritize them.
It is very important for everyone to be on the same page so everyone who watches or cares for your daughter knows what is going on and can reinforce the wanted behavior and discourage the negative behavior. Also, when there is a meltdown (and there will be) you will be working together and one can "tag in" when another adult needs a time out.
Good luck, N.

It will be much harder on you and your husband at first than her and she certainly will not be "scarred for life" because of what you are doing. It's important that you do this and stick to it as it will make everyone's lives, especially hers so much easier!!! We've always just gone cold turkey when it's come to the bottles, binkies, potty training, etc. We find it works best and we have 3 kiddos...are they perfect...course not, who is... but they are awesome kids and we constantly get compliments on our kids behavior when we are out of the house. Consistency is key! You guys can do! :)

Please do this in stages. All at once would be a brutal experience for your daughter, and consequently, for you, too.

Thinking of a child as a brat, sassy, bossy, etc., usually becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We tend to unconsciously set up situations so they will have that probable outcome, and we tend to tell the child that that's what they are, so they begin to behave according to our expectations. I hope you'll be careful to never let her hear you say to anyone that she's a brat.

There are some terrific parenting books and websites that can help you succeed with this transformation. If you can flip YOUR script from framing the needed change as negatives ("No more XYZ in THIS home!") to positives ("Let's do QRS so we can have more peace and happiness!), then you'll probably have a much easier time of it. Get lots of positive tips on behavior at AskDrSears.com.

Good luck. It's good that you are addressing issues now, instead of waiting until she's 13.

Stick to it. You'd be surprised at how quick the transition is. I have a delightfully challenging child and most times for our sanity we give in to things...sleeping in my bed...now she is sleeping with her sister in her sister's room...sneaking sweets ... too much TV time.

The first 2 days were rough but then it smooth sailing till the next round (we're working on getting her back in her own room again)

I suggest reading several books that really give you some communication ideas on the parenting philosophy behind what you use as a discipline style. Communication is key here, and you need to tell her that you two have decided some things need to be changed because she's becoming a big girl, and big girls are expected to act a certain way. Tell her beforehand that she needs to go to sleep when it's bedtime, and that you can leave a light on, let her take books or a lovey to bed, turn on some soft music -whatever -but at her bedtime she must get in bed and not come out of her room, and mommy won't be sitting there while she goes to sleep anymore.

I wouldn't take the pacifier away cold turkey, but tell her it's time to give it to the pacifier fairy for new babies who may need it or tell her that 4 year olds don't use them, so you need her help now in starting to use it less and less as you build toward her fantastic 4th birthday. We gradually weaned my first off of his like this and one day we truly lost his last two and couldn't find them ANYWHERE at bedtime. He was 2 and he looked at us and sadly said, "Well, I big boy, I don't need it." It was so sad and wonderful all at the same time!

Keep talking to her and start letting her find solutions to problems that need to be taken care of -finishing potty training (put her in undies and ask her how it feels when she goes in those instead of the potty -not good -so ask her how she could solve that), the binky, etc. You don't have to have dessert after dinner. You could eliminate sweets for awhile or just tell her that only eating sugar makes us feel really bad, and it can make us sick, so she needs to eat something nutritious before having sweets. When she starts in about dessert and no dinner, calmly (and with honest feeling) say, "I don't want you to feel sick and sluggish, so if you want a sweet treat, what do you need to do first?" I do think you may have a rough week or two ahead, but as long as you don't cave and she understands this is now the status quo, she'll start getting with the program.

The books I suggest are "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk" (fast read -order it or check it out today), "Parenting With Love and Logic" and "P.E.T. Parent Effectiveness Training." Some think "P.E.T." and "Love and Logic" don't pair together well, but I think there are some real jewels that can be taken from both.

Consistency is the key...My DH and I are learning all the time.

You have to do it and do it now ... just know that it will be HELL for all of you for a while possbily a few months. And you have to make sure you do not take on so much change that you and daddy can not stay consistant with the changes.

Perhaps your daughter is acting out because she simply wants her parent's attention.

Instead of taking things away from a 3 year old (who really doesn't 'get' why she can't have them in the first place) why not schedule in some 'alone' time with her. Some time each for you and your husband...both alone and separately (daughter and mommy, daddy and daughter, mommy, daddy, daughter) so that you both can spend some uninterrupted time with her and she'll benefit from having nothing but your undivided attention. Do this daily.

Sit down on the floor with her and play - or snuggle on the couch and watch a movie - even take a walk and pointing out all the pretty things you see along the way. Your husband could do the same type of activities with her or he could plan others such as baking brownies for mommy with her - coloring in her favorite coloring book - even lying on the couch with her and finding a new cartoon to watch. Anything that requires her to be you and your husbands only thing that you're dealing with will help with her 'brat like' behavior. Hugs and kisses go a long way with kids for the rest of their lives, they need their parents' utter reassurance throughout their entire lives.

Your presence as her parents is worth more to her, now and in the future, than any 'toy' you will buy her or take away from her.

Good luck. Also, check out the book 'The Vital Touch' by Sharon Heller. Your local library should have a copy or you can grab one from Amazon.com.

http://www.PenPointEditorial.com

I think you have some good suggestions here. Dawn has some wonderful insight and that's very much how I did it with my son.

You need to prioritize which behaviors/habits are the key ones to change first. I'm not sure if your thought about taking away toys is because she doesn't clean up, or because she doesn't behave in other areas. I think you should sort them and toss what's broken, give away what's unused or outgrown, and store the rest. I used storage bins on a rack (you can sometimes find this at resale shops) and put photos on the side so my son could tell what went where. When he was really bad at taking care of things, I put them ALL in the attic. I don't think taking "half" the toys away solves much. I left my son his comfort items, his books, and arts & crafts supplies, but ALL the toys went into the attic.

I would leave her with comfort items - don't pack up her favorite stuffed animal or blankie, and I would consider leaving her the binky for now, while you work on behavior. It sounds like her attitude and disrespect is the worst - so make that your priority. For the time being, it doesn't matter if she sits in her room with a binky, does it? That's a separate issue.

If you sense that she is ready to potty train, do it - but be sure that she is ready. You cannot force that issue. Many kids are ready at 3.5 years, but some just aren't. It may not be stubbornness, it may be developmental. If, however, she IS trained and just won't go before you leave the house, then that is behavioral.

Definitely set up a bedtime routine and tell her what it is. Make sure you and Daddy are absolutely on the same page. Don't sit there until she falls asleep. Absolutely no dessert without supper no matter what, regardless of her behavior the rest of the day. Just don't have any desserts in the house for a while.

It sounds like the key behaviors should be listening, doing as told (you and teachers), eating her dinner with decent manners, going to bed, and cleaning up. I'd keep it to those - that's plenty. She needs to be able to succeed and not be overwhelmed with too many "new rules". That's why I'd leave potty training and the binky out of it for now.

You need to do what you can handle with extreme consistency. You cannot do anything halfway or she will learn that tantrums win out over Mom & Dad's resolve.

agreed - do it but don't do it all at once.

for the toys, i got the ikea trofast storage system - for $200 i got about 6 feet of storage along my daughters wall. there are various size buckets, and printed labels with words and pictures and put the on the buckets, and so now when it's clean up time my daughter knows where everything goes. and 90% of her toys fit in there. so when birthday or christmas rolls around we go through and take out some toys that she doesn't want anymore (about a week before birthday/christmas).

home depot has clean metal paint buckets we got the quart size and decorated with the kids names and stickers..... we did it as a fun project and then we set the rules. cleaning their room, eating their dinner, clearing their plate and put in sink, do nice things for each other, and they get a poker chip each time, then when they get 5 or 10 chips they get the toy. the disney store has these collection of 3" dolls from each of the princess movies - so that's what we've been using - when she reaches 5 poker chips she gets a doll/figure from the set. she just earned the little mermaid set, now we're onto beauty and the beast.

remember she learns from you - if you yell and talk with attitude to her, she's going to do the same back, if she hears you or your husband talking rude to each other, she'll follow suit.

You've received some thoughtful advise.
Whenever you try to extinguish a behavior, it will initially increase. You will have to be very consistent so that you are not providing intermitent reinforcement for the undesired behavior.
I would suggest picking one or two behaviors to work on at a time. You may want to read 1-2-3 Magic or some other type of behavior management book to give you strategies for keeping your cool and maintaining consistency.
There are also books that may help with sleep issues. The Sleep Lady is one who does not use cry-it-out methods, but will help you gradually reduce your presence and assistance.
There have been many posts with tips for weaning from the binky. I'm sure a quick search will help you find something you are comfortable trying.
Good luck,
J.