My ex has every other weekend visitation with our kids, ages 2 and 4. he voluntarily took a new shift that schedules him for a split shift both fri and sat EVERY weekend. His job is 1 1/2 hours away, and he has to be at work by 5am, and does not get home until after 9pm (so doesn't see the kids AT ALL fri or sat). His wife of 5 months watches them while he is at work. Most of the time I am fine with that arrangement, after all this allows for me to have a much needed break. I like and trust the new wife with my kids, no concerns there. However, there are times that special events fall on "his weekends" and I would like to do these things with my kids. My ex is unwilling to let me have the kids or switch weekends with me if i ask, even though I allow him to take them during the week if he asks and i am always willing to make-up missed time or give him extra. We don't have a "first right of refusal" or "right of first refusal" in our custody agreement, but would it apply anyway if i were to refuse to give them to him on "his" weekend when he is working? if he gives me a problem, can i request that he be the one to pick them up when he is able to? I don't have a problem with me kids spending time with his wife, but I feel as if MY parenting time should come first if he can't actually be there.
Our agreement has something that says, basically, "if dad can't be with the kid on his weekend, mom is first in line to babysit." Is that the right of first refusal?
If there's nothing in your agreement then I don't think there's anything that can be done without contacting your attorney. I mean, you can ask, but he's well within his rights to say no.
Good luck!
Unfortunately for you, having split custody or an ex with visitation means that you will miss certain events with your kids, just as he also misses things. Perhaps you both need to sit down with a mediator and amend the custody agreement so that he has the kids when he can actually spend time with them. I would avoid switching around for "special events" but be sure the agreement states that either parent can attend any of the kids' events (school plays, sports games, etc)
Sounds like he is clear about what he wants, asks for it, and gets it. You need to decide what you want. I am thankful you like and trust his new wife. I'd just enforce his rules on him - if he misses his weekend, then no makeups. Just be cheerful and clear, not vindictive.
Its great you are comfortable with their new step-mom... but i do think that for special events he should allow you to have them if he will not be there to see them at all. Its not a big or unreasonable request you're making. Its a shame he won't bend for you like you do for him.
I definitely wouldn't refuse to give the kids to him on his weekend - he could get you in some legal trouble for that if he wanted to. And as far as who is required to pick them up, you can try, but i'm pretty sure that has to be spelled out in a custody agreement too (my husband's ex put some stipulations like that in their agreement, about no grandparents picking up from school).
As far as right of first refusal - in my husband's custody agreement it says the bio parents have the right of first refusal for certain things - if his ex is working on a holiday that my step-daughter is supposed to be with her, then my husband has a right to that time over the step-dad or grandparents or anyone else. & visa versa.
And even the random family things that aren't in the agreement, if one parent has something big that falls on the wrong weekend they've been pretty good -they'll switch or give up time.
Before my husband took his ex to court for better visitation, she was never that agreeable, but now she knows he means business and that he takes the time with his daughter seriously, so she has relaxed quite a bit. Its nice to have things written in stone so that there isn't that power struggle, its all spelled out. Court might be a bit extreme and cause some hard feelings in your situation... but, as someone else said, it might be worth trying to meet with a mediator & get an amendment to the custody agreement. Since your ex doesn't get to see the kids as much, maybe he would love a change of visitation schedule too?
