Failed Adoption...What to Say and Do?

I'm sorry to hear this. Maybe not worry about saying the right thing but be there for them to talk and vent to you.

Just a simple, I'm so sorry for your loss, it must have been so traumatic for you

Letita, I have been a foster mother who cared for children prior to adoption. I have seen some real hardships. I can tell you that you should go and buy some hankerchiefs for both the man and woman and even a movie to help them get the tears started and add a note of how very sorry you are for thier saddness. Then when it really does happen send flowers!

Hi Letitia,

I've had very good friends go through the adoption process 3 times (they are in the middle of their 3rd right now.) None of them have been easy. The first was the worst...they had twins who were given back to their birth father (who was not exactly an upstanding citizen) a year after they had the babies. It was awful and heart wrenching. I don't think anyone knew what to do or say, we just cried and prayed for them.
The second adoption went well, but there were definitely some bumps. We're hoping the third is a much smoother transaction.
You've gotten some great advice...be there for them. Listen. Don't be overbearing, let them know you are available if needed and give them space. They need to focus on each other as a team, to get through this. The support from friends and family is enormous, but only they really know what they need.
Good luck!

I've been through 2 failed adoptions. Both were on the way to adopting my second child.

For the first failed adoption, we traveled across the country when the birth mother went into labor and she changed her mind after we'd met the baby. For the second one I actually had the baby in my home for 3 weeks (over Christmas, no less) before the birth mother chose to make a different plan for the child.

I can tell you that your friends are feeling really powerless. No matter what they do, and how well they do it, it feels like things just won't go their way. The other thing I remember feeling was a completely irrational sense of "what's wrong with me?"

Much like other grieving situations, the best thing you can do is simply be willing to discuss the situation with them. It's amazing how many people stay away for fear of saying something wrong, or because they don't know what to say. For me, it was extremely helpful to have someone who would listen and not judge the things I said or felt. So, if you can simply open the conversation with something like, "I'm so sorry for you. I can't imagine how you're feeling," it will give them an opening to discuss it if they want to. After that, let them lead the way. Ask questions, and you can find out if you're getting too personal by phrasing the questions with, "Let me know if I'm asking too many questions."

And you can tell your friends about me. I dearly loved those two babies that didn't end up in my family, but I truly feel that the daughter I ended up with was the one I was meant to have. And we even went on to add a third child to our family. So, as dark as things feel right now (and will for awhile), there is hope.

Thanks for being there for your friend!

I'm so sorry for what they must be going through. I don't know why some people have to experience such heartache and pain just to have a child. It is so unfair. I would obviously be there for them, listen to them, call often and let them know you are thinking of them. I'd also suggest counseling for one or both if they have not gone that route yet... it might help them to unload and let their emotions out to someone that is a third party and just there to listen without judgement. Finally, I'd reassure them as much as it takes that they WILL have their child someday. They are feeling hopeless and scared that it will never happen now, and need that hope to hang on to. Just keep telling them they will have a child and to believe. It will happen.

What a heart wrenching situation.
I wouldn't really say anything unless they bring it up and clearly want to talk about it. It might be just too painful right now.
There's not really anything you can do to actually change the situation, but you can be there to listen and to let them know you will continue to keep them in your prayers.
I don't know them. Some people really need to talk and get things off their chest while others become more withdrawn until they can put things in perspective for themselves.

Best wishes.

there's really nothing you can say. just be a good friend and be there for them. it's someone no one else can know what they're going through- even if you've gone through it. sorta like when someone says they know how you feel when a parent passed away, you don't know how they feel because they are their own person.

just be there for them and if they want to talk, listen a lot.

I think the only way that you can help them is to be there emotionally for support. If they want to talk about it, or need some reassurance, they could come and talk to you about it. Send them a heartfelt card and tell them you are available to listen if they ever want to talk. You sound like such a wonderful friend! They are lucky to have you...

M

Just lend an ear to listen if they're up for talking, and remind them that everything happens for a reason... their next child will come to them when everything is exactly right :) Stay positive and strong for them. While they are suffering a loss, they know in their hearts that that child is now with it's birthmother, and that's a good thing too. Their baby WILL come :)