Seeking Advice on Moving on After Adoption

Vina,

I have been on both sides of this situation. I am an adopted child that grew up in a wonderful family with 5 wonderful brothers. I can not thank my "birth" parents enough for giving me the opportunity to have such a supportive family since they were not able to do so.

On the other side of that I also had a situation where I became pregnant at a young age and made the decision to put the child up for adoption. I had had such a wonderful experience with adoption that it made sense to me.

I went through some very difficult times afterwards, regret, and doubt in my decision. It took me a years to come to accept that I was NOT a bad person. The by taking responsibitly and not the easy way out was a good thing. I actually began to get a grip on myself. I wish that I had sought the care of a doctor for assistance to help me speed that process up so that I didn't waste so much time of my life that I could have been being a more productive person, not only to my family but to my education and work. You need to seek counseling, and take the medication and you need to accept that you are a good person. Giving birth does not mean that you always ready to raise a child, but you have found someone that was ready and you have given them the gift of life, and they have helped you with the gift of your life at this time, don't make that go to waste.

It has been 18 years and my daughter has found me and we are trying to put together a great relationship. Not every situation means that you will never see them again. Just that right now someone else is going to help you raise them.

Take care, I will keep you in my prayers, and use that level headed guidance that helped you make this decision in the first place. You knew this was the right path, let yourself walk down that path.

2 moms found this helpful

Vina-
I have NOT been thru anything like this, and my heart goes out to you. I don't know your situation, but God does...he knows your heart and He can comfort you like no one else EVER can.
Please know that my tears and sincere prayers are with you to get thru this in whatever way that even means.
M.

i have a friend who went thru this just over a year ago. and she became an adoption counselor. she tells her story to high school girls and explains the options they have if they become pregnant. she will share her story with you and could probably give you some really helpful bits of advice to help you deal wth your emotions. you can contact her at http://www.myspace.com/emiliajo. good luck hunny. and remember that you DID give this family the child they prayed for so desperately. you did the right thing, you gave this child life and then blessed somebody else with his presense. if there was no way you could have given hi the life you know he deserves, the best thing you could have done was exactly what you did.

Vina,
I don't know what you are going through. I have never been in your situation. But, I do think that emotions you are going through seem perfectly normal.
And I can't speak for everyone, but Thank you! Thank you for doing what many mothers can't. You didn't give up and have an abortion. And you didn't try and keep a baby that you KNOW that you can't provide for. You gave your child a wonderful life, you did the most selfless thing a mother can do. You are brave and thoughtful.
Let your emotions ride...it will get easier. But, know that you are doing the right thing. I have a brother and a sister who are both adopted. I love them dearly and am glad that we were able to give them a good home.
Hang in there. You do not deserve to be "punished".
K.

it is hard and i am sorry for your loss. try not to beat your self up to much. you have made a choice that is in his best intrest. that is the best any good mother could do.

While I've never been in that experience, it does seem your emotions are completely normal. Continue to share with people, see your doctor (and take your meds), and grieve... Keep in mind that in addition to grieving, your body is also changing - your body chemistry is adjusting through a transition, as well, going from being pregnant to NOT being pregnant. Obviously you are carrying around a lot of remorse, regret and guilt....in time you may celebrate your decision and feel confident you made the right choice - but you may always feel that void, and certainly have a lot of love for your precious child. Don't punish yourself. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. All my best wishes to you for fulfillment and a happy future - and that you can work through the pain of this time. Thanks for giving that precious boy and couple the opportunity to be a family - which you will always be a part of (if not actively, certainly in thoughts and with deep love & gratitude).

Hello to a valiant person!
As an educator and having seen many single parent families that don't know how to parent, your sacrifice is astounding and heroic. I am also an adoptive parent of 2 grown boys. Your biological child won't belittle you or think badly of you and neither should you.You deserve nothing but praise, not punishment! You have chosen what is best for both of you at this time in your lives and it is your life and noone can accurately judge what is best for you since they have not been in your shoes.
You are hurting and it is normal. You would be hurting more if you had kept your child and could not care for him monetarily, emotionally, and with food and clothing and shelter and medical care. You want only the best for him.
Having been diagnosed with depression myself, it is most important that you follow through with the medication at least temporarily. You must not stop taking it abruptly as that could be a setback. You must be weaned off of it by a dr. as they diagnose your need. Don't look on depression as a weakness! Brooke Shields courageously took a stand to reveal her postpartum depression and write a book about it. What a blessing for her to take this stand on mental health and help to educate others. You won't realize how bad you feel now until you feel better with professional help and hopefully a support group. Identifying with others in the same boat as you does wonders since it makes you feel that you are not alone. All the best to you! You must be a wonderful and loving person and you deserve to move forward and get started on the adventure of your life. It's hard to think that way now, but just keep thinking that life's a beach and you are just standing on the shore awaiting your sails to furl toward a most wonderful journey as life unfolds. Shoot for the moon, you will land among the stars! Hugs and love to you. S.

Dear Vina,

I haven't been through this before. But, I must tell you that I've always admired women who have chosen to give their babies the best life possible, and have given them up for adoption. You put your baby's needs ahead of your own, and you should be proud. I can't imagine how hard it must be to do this, but I applaud you and I hope you're able to find some peace of mind soon :)

Best wishes,
L.

We adopted a baby boy last October and we have the utmost respect and love for his birthmom. What you were able to do it the MOST unselfish thing a person can do. You are truly a very special and blessed woman to have given this couple, like you said the most precious gift. Not a day goes by that we don't think of our son's - 7 year old and 4 month old birthmom's. Please do not feel like you are being punished for having these feelings. You need to get some support and try taking the medicine. Did you go through an agency? They should be able to help you through this. Please, please, please take care of yourself and don't ever forget what a special woman you are. I can't say that enough.

Hugs,
T.

It is normal to feel this way after you relinquish your child. The pain of this will never go away, but it will change over time, and you'll learn to live with it. Perhaps at some point it won't be so consuming.

You are NOT being punished! That isn't how God works, he doesn't punish us for what we do.

You need to get into some counseling with a psychiatrist or a psychologist who works with trauma recovery. Even if you made this decision and feel you did the right thing, it is still trauma, and you need to deal with that aspect of it. Also if you can connect with some other firstmoms out there, that will help you a ton too.

You should not be concerned with the feelings of the adoptive family at this time. I understand you love them, and want the best for them, but you need to work on the best for you and your son. YOU need to be the priority right now. Are you still sure you made the right decision? If you aren't, you might still have time to change your mind too. I don't know what state you are in or what the laws are there, but if TPR isn't final yet you can still raise your son if you think you can do it! There are lots of government programs out there that will help you if you need it.

You are not alone! First, having heightened emotions after giving birth is normal. Many women experience "post-partum blues" and many experience post-partum depression. I have friends and relatives who have benefited from anti-depressents and/or anti-anxiety medication. I know sometimes it feels like it's wrong to take them because you want to experience the pain so you can acknowledge that your feelings and experience is very real. But, in order for you to regain your health (physical, mental, and spiritual) you may need to take those meds for a while until you are on your feet.

It is healthy for you to acknowledge your feelings on the matter. This was not a light decision, nor should you try to "forget". This child is not likely to ever be forgotten by you. However, you can take this opportunity to be your child's prayer warrior. This is one thing you CAN provide your child for the rest of his life. I assume you made this decision after careful thought and prayer. If you believed this was the decision God wanted you to make for his life, take solace in knowing you have obeyed God and are serving your child in this profound way.

The fact that you have an open adoption will allow for contact later as well as updates if you and the adoptive parents so choose. I applaude you for cherishing your son's life enough to take care of your self and to give him the opporunity to live his own life. You and God produced a miracle of life. In a selfless act of love you are giving your child a chance that you and God believe is best.

I will pray for you in your situation. Pray for your son and his adoptive family. There is much power in a praying mother. You will forever be his spiritual mother and that is something to be proud of!

i don't have any advice for you, i wish i did. my heart goes out to you. what you did for this couple is the most wonderful thing a person can do for another. you provided them with the most cherished gift that they were unable to create themselves, you changed their lives for the better. i hope that someday you can find some solace in this fact. my best wishes.

Hi Vina,
I am so sorry for your loss. It is a grievious experience. Which is what you are experiencing now- grief. I would just like to ask you one thing... If you punish yourself, are you really going to improve someone else's life? Please forgive yourself. Please seek out grief counseling. As painful as it is; it is a PROCESS everyone must go through. Remember, you are deeply loved! I know a church in Plymouth that has grief counseling for free. It's ok to feel these feelings. But please remember, punishing yourself will not make things better. From what I have read, you have done a selfless act. Please contact me and I can give you some details on counseling. God is with you!!

when he is older he will appreciate what you went through to give him a better life, with your open adoption he will know you and be able to talk to you about why and he won't have all the unanswered question most adopted children have, you will be there to explain to him that you wanted to have a better life then you could give him and that is exactly what you are doing giving him a better life. you could have had an abortion and i think that pain would have been worse for you so i think you did right by him. the first job we have is mothers is to make sure our kids are taken care of and that is what you are doing. I think you will feel better if you try to stay involved with him

I have also had a child adopted. I keep it my mind that he has a much better chance in life because I did that. I was unable to care for him and his needs at the time. I know that he is doing well and happy where he is. I am kept informed of his life but stay out of it. It is a hard thing to do but as long as you know in your heart you did the right thing for the child the pain will ease. You need to think of how everything will be better for him. One important thing is to stop thinking of him as your son. I know that sounds harsh but that to me was the first step to letting go and relieving some of the ache.

As a grown woman who was adopted, all I can say is thank you for giving Ethan life and giving him to someone who could give him the things you can't. As a woman in counseling for depression, I highly recommend getting on medication to get you over the hump you're dealing with now and also get into counseling or into a support group to deal with the feelings. They don't go away, they just show up in other areas if you don't deal with them. IF you allow God to use this, you can reach out to other women down the line who are going through the same thing. God bless you on your journey.

Vina,

I am sooo sorry for your pain. I can't even imagine what you must be feeling.. I have not had this experience however if you feel you did right by your son the last thing him and God would want you do is punish yourself. If you feel honestly that you have made a mistake then better to acknowledge it now then later.
Whatever you decide, look to God for your answers and let him fill your pain, your void and bind up your brokenness. I encourage you to ask him for answers and to replace any guilt and self punishment with his will for your life and your little boy's life...

I will be praying for you as your brokenness is real, and your pain i'm sure overwhelming.. God is your greatest comfort and real answers!

Shelley

It will ease but there will be a feeling of lose for a long time. And, yes it is normal for a caring, giving person to feel this pain. But do work on letting it go. Know that you did what is best for your son. What a great gift. For him as well as his new parents. You can hold your head high. It's unfortunate that more young women are keeping their babies, even though they are not able to provide for them, both monitarily as well as emontionally. I believe these women will have to answer for alot when their children are older. You must stop beating yourself up. In the future, take precautions and when you are able to bring a baby home with you, that baby will be so loved and appreciated. Your decision was a totally unselfish one. How lucky your son is and how lucky the couple is to be priviledged enough to raise a child of yours. God bless and help you through this time.

I haven't gone through this, but it is clear from your writing that you are grieving. It is an appropriate stage, and it would be inappropriate to pretend you weren't.

You do need to check your thinking, though -- feelings are a not obligatory. And they are not really a very good marker for genuine caring. Not letting go of the pain isn't helping your son, or his new parents, or your friends, or the world. It is just torturing you. While you may presently feel you deserve the torture, you do not. One piece of advice I have long loved is 'your children's mother deserves to be treated kindly -- even by your children's mother.'

Be gentle with yourself, try to sit peacefully with the sorrow and make sure your thinking isn't creating havoc where none need be. Give yourself time -- this is a big thing, not a little thing.

I have not personally been in your situation but I do know that it was a very unselfish thing that you did to give your child up for adoption knowing that you couldn't care for him.
You wanted what was best for him and I think that he will appreciate that one day. Also think of the alternative-you could have had an abortion and you didn't. At least you gave him life and are giving another family the chance to be parents. Maybe consider talking to someone like a counselor and definately take the meds they can only help. My thoughts and prayers are with you that you find some kind of peace in your decision. Take care.

Vina

I feel for you I really do and I all I can say is with time everything eases, but you may want to find a support group in your area, people who are expirencing what you are going through I think that will help the most. I have a 25 year old sister who has 2 kids, one is 8 and she lives with me, I took guardianship away from her 4 years ago because she was unable to care for her and into drugs, she has since had another child, a boy and she was forced into rehab when he was only 4 months old and has since cleaned herself up and almost 2 years sober now, but she decided last Sept to give her parental rights up of her son now 18 months old and let the foster parents adopt him, once the adoption is final it will be a open adoption but for the meantime since the paperwork is not final the state wont even let her see him and i know it hurts her alot to know that she is no longer "mommy" but I told her, there will be a day when he will thank you for having a good life and will have a relationship with you, right now its just that mother/child bond that is very hard to let go of, if you would like someone to talk to respond to me and I can give you her email address and it might be a good source of hope and inspiration for you!
god bless and take care.

Hi Vina~ I have not read through all of the responses; I have not personally dealt with what you have- but I do know that you have made the best decision for you, and for the baby. God nudged you to choose adoption rather than abortion which is AWESOME, because He has a plan for this little guy. In the future,this boy will understand why you made the decision you did and will hold a lot of respect for you. My mom was adopted. She never knew who her birth parents were until literally a few weeks ago, because the timing in her life finally felt right to pursue finding things out. The more she finds out, the happier she is because she has found out her birth mother's reasons for adoption (her health, etc., she was single, and she was a christian- which is of utmost importance to my mom. My mom has comfort in the fact that she now knows that her mom gave her up for adoption rather than abortion so she could be raised in a good, christian, loving family.) Her birth mom was strong enough and smart enough (LIKE YOU!) to make the best decision for her child because she had LOVE for the child, and wanted what was best for the life of the child. Take care of yourself, and let yourself heal. Over time, I believe things will feel better and make more sense to you. Take advantage of having the med.'s the doctor can give you to help you cope and live your life...and I encourage you to pray. Ask God to help you feel peace. He loves and supports you! I will pray for you as well : - )

Dear Vina,
I have not had to make the very difficult choice that you have in giving a baby up for adoption. As a social worker though, I hear that you are in pain. Can you find someone to talk to? What about the agency that handled your adoption? They should be able to find a counselor or other mom that you could talk to that went through the same thing. You put yourself out there by putting a posting on this website, I hope that you will be open to counseling.
Also, taking medication does not take the pain away. But it may help you get out of bed and start doing some everyday things, so that the world starts to feel a little more normal. No one, no pill, will ever subtract from the great sacrifice and loving decision that you made for your baby. Your baby will always be with you in your heart and with an open adoption, your baby will always know about you. I hope that you can find some peace.

Hi Vina. I have never been in this situation but I feel for you. The first thing I thought of when I read your request was (motherly instinct!) It seems to me that this is your motherly instinct kicking in when you decided to put him up for adoption and motherly instinct now that your grieving. You need to remind yourself you did the right thing! If your life is not ready or right for a child in it at the moment then you definitely did the right thing, and maybe someday you can have and raise a healthy family! I hope this helps you and I will keep you in my prayers!
B.

Hi Vina,

I wanted to let you know that I am in awe of your strength. You made a very difficult choice and need to know that you and your son will be OK. My best friend has adopted two children. The greatest gift her daughter has is an open adoption. Her parents were married at the time, but the baby was born with a cleft palate that they did not have the funds to repair. (Long story) Anyway, Like you....they loved her so much, they gave her to someone who could care for her at a time that they were not able to.

What her birth parents did for her was made her an album and family tree. Each year they send her adoptive parents new pages/pictures. When she is 18, she will have the resources to get in contact with her other family if she chooses. If she doesn't choose to, she at least knows family history, which is what so many of my adopted friends wish they had. Maybe in your free time, you could create a book for your son filled with all of the love you are feeling. Then choose whether or not you want to send it. Fill it with pictures and letters of how you are feeling, etc.

First and foremost though....you need to take care of you and that means to take your medication and possibly seek counseling. You are not a bad person and you do not "deserve" these feelings as punishment. As time passes, you will heal and things will be OK. You just need time and medication to help you get there.

C.

Yes, you did the right thing. Yes those feelings will pass, just fill your free time doing something you enjoy doing...

First of all, you are not alone. I relinquished my daughter 13 years ago, and just reading your post brings all of those same feelings back to me. In all honesty, they have never gone away. A college degree, a dream job, a wonderful husband, another beautiful daughter and now being a SAHM have not replaced any of the guilt, gut-wrenching pain, and agony I have felt. But I do promise that you will have days when it is easier and you have more clarity and relief. We first moms relinquish for all kinds of reasons, and I do not know the complexity of your situation; but I am happy to talk more with you whenever you'd like. There is a bittersweet fellowship of sisterhood among those of us who have lost children to adoption, and I hope that you will be able to connect with others who can offer you more than anti-depressants, therapy, and a trite, canned answer about how selfless you are. I get it. And so do many others. You are not alone. Please feel free to message me anytime. I see that you are in MI... Did you by chance relinquish through BCS?

remember sweet lady - we make the best choice possible with the information we have at the time. there was something in you that felt you must give this child "More" than you could offer.
You gave this child LIFE which is a great gift. there were other choices you could have been made but you choose to give this child LIFE and this is a beautiful thing!
I admire your courage - i admire your strength to do what you felt was "right" even though it was/is most painful. It is reasonable to grieve - allow yourself to grieve for a time! But also allow yourself permission to believe with all your heart that this child is right where He needs to be - and you made it happen! It isn't lack of love that moves us to do these things --- it is love in abundance that compelss us to make such choices. You offered "love in abundance" to your child my friend - true love, unselfish and pure. Permit yourself to feel proud of your decision - and please know that i am very proud of you!! May God richly bless you, K.

Oh Vina,

My heart hurts for you. You are in no way a bad person for ANY of your feelings. You are not a horrible mom for giving up your baby. You did the most selfless act a mother could ever do. I know right now it doesn't matter to you, you're grieving. You have every right to be sad and to feel helpless in your situation. But honey, stay on your medications. Being on meds doens't mean that you will feel any less pain. It just means that they will help you not to get lost in a sea of depression. In no way of letting go of the pain will you be letting go of your baby. It just means that you will make peace with the situation. Your baby will always belong to you in your heart, and one day your heart will know that you made the right decision.

It is mothers like YOU that bring joy to so many hopeless couples, and one day you will find peace with that. Please get in for some grief counseling, you shouldn't be doing this alone.

"Our Lives Follow The Course of the Sun. Even at the Darkest Moment There is the Promise of Daylight"

Believe me when I say this, Vina.... YOU are a WONDERFULL Mama! God Bless You!

I think you are one of the bravest woman to do what you have done. You have taken one of Gods most precious gifts and passed him on to a family who can properly take care of him. You should not punish yourself, you should be proud of what you have done. You knew that taking care of a child wasn't something you could handle at this time. Do you know how many people would've just terminated this problem?? You did the right thing and I'm sure God wouldn't want you holding on to the pain. I think you really need to take the medicine that the dr. has prescribed, that is how the healing will begin. I pray that you will seek more professional help and be honest with them as to what is going on. I also pray that the right people will come into your life for you to get better. You need to understand how proud people are of you for not getting rid of your pregnancy - you have blessed someone with a beautiful gift. I wonder if there is someone at the adoption agency that could lead you to a support group. Call the city you live in and see if they have anything available. Call the local church and talk with your priest. You are calling out for help and I pray that you are blessed with healing words. God bless you.

Hello Vina J C,

I just want to start out by saying that I have a lot of respect for you. I am an adoptive mother and I can not even begin to imagine the emotions that you must be feeling. I will not even try. I do know of a great online support group. You can go to www.bethany.org and click on resources and then web forums. I would go to the general forum and birthparent forums. I hope you will find the support you need. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

ANGIE

My heart is heavy for you. I'm a mom that can't get pregnant, and it used to break my heart everytime I'd see someone have a baby and I could'nt, I would cry so much, and to see women that had them one after the other and not be a good mom.
I decided to go into foster care at least I could love kids that needed love, I was able to adopt 3 of her 7 2 boys and 1 girl, the last two I got to take home from the hospital when they were born, I know that I don't no how a birth mom feels inside of having a newborn, but I love these kids with all my heart and I thank God everyday that he has given me the opportunity to love and raise these wonderful children as my own. Your situation is different from foster care, you chose to do what you did. You did a good thing.
Your not a bad person for doing this, you did the right thing, you need to get the counsuling to help you, and ask God for help too, he is there for you. I will keep you in my prayers.

Vina,
I am a mom and also a social worker who helped birthparents place their babies for adoption some years ago. In my experience, what you are feeling is very normal. Did you receive any counseling before you released him? I would recommend that you talk with someone about your feelings. You are grieving and it would help to have someone work through those feelings with you. It's easy for me to say, but please don't feel as if you deserve the pain you are going through. I saw the women I worked with as some of the most amazing women I have ever known. It takes a strong mother and a remarkable person to sacrifice her own feelings to give her baby life that she cannot give. I wish you the best as you work through this. God Bless,
K.

Hi Vina,
No, I'm sorry I don't know how you feel. But as an outsider, I have to say that what you did is probably the most courageous thing a woman could do. You are the best mother of all!! You made the ultimate sacrifice and did what was best for your child. I wish there were words I could say to make you feel better...just know that there are mothers our here admiring your
courage and strength.
Take care.

About me:
I'm a 44 year old stay at home mom of 3 (ages 9,7,3)