Extremely Clingy 21 Month Old

Hey K., Not trying to be cruel but take control mama! She is almost 2, beleive it or not she knows how to work the system. I was in the same boat with a 18 month old 3 weeks ago. I have 2 other children who need me as well as my other responsibilities. I decided I had enough and pulled the baby card out of the deck. Started to verbally let her know she needs to play or look at books while mommy is cooking, cleaning, using the restroom. She threw a fit for the first 2 days and learned the boundry I was placing after that. It was so freeing! Children need boundries, although they think the world revolves around them the truth is it does not. Good luck!

Hi K.,
What a tough situation!! I would first be sure that your 4 year old does get some mommy time; if you are holding Ella and playing, make her be on one side of your lap and let Victoria be on the other side, etc. Also give Victoria LOTS of praise for being a big girl and good helper, etc...
Ella may be a high needs child; Dr. Sears has a wonderful book on parenting high needs kids. She may also have some actual physical or developmental condition that is making her feel so clingy. I would get a thorough evaluation by a good developmental pediatrician to rule out any underlying problem making her so upset. I may also reccommend investing in a good quality sling or wrap; this way she can be on you and in physical contact, and free up your hands for other jobs and put you in a position to interact more with Victoria. Many of the wraps place her on your back, so it becomes less rewarding for a toddler to be on mommy, and she may decide to get down more.
Are there activities Ella really loves to do? Maybe setting up situations for her that require more independence with a built in reward will help, i.e. "you can play with play-doh as long as you stay in your chair and do not scream", then stay in her line of sight, but spread your attention between both girls and give LOTS of praise for being "a big girl". If she does start to scream, offer a choice: "you can be a big girl and play without screaming, or we can put the play-doh away and I can hold you". The idea is to make her moving off on her own FUN and rewarding, not to punish the clinging except by withdrawl of the independent activity, and it will take awhile.
The final idea or point (I know this is long!) is to be sure to take care of YOU; having a high needs child is exhausting, and lots of people will be less than understanding of your situation, but will criticize. That is THEIR problem. But you do need time to refresh and recover; maybe a weekly date with your older daughter while Daddy stays with Ella, and then an occasional time off ALONE or with friends so you are not contantly "touched out" by Ella...best wishes in dealing with this situation and please keep us posted!!!
E.

I can gaurantee you that when she is 16 she will no longer cling to you.. you will be like the plague... remember these times... enjoy them.. my kids are all grown up... and we are very close... she will soon outgrow the clingyness... let her have it now... just be there for her and try not to resent the clingyness... you will miss it when she is older... take care TAmmie

How tough! My daughter, 19 mo has just recently started doing the same thing, but I am working on nipping it in the bud. I agree with some of the advice that has already been said. She may be doing this because she knows you will pick her up if she just keeps at it. I would try getting a packn'play or play area set up in another room and when she doesn't want to be put down and you have explained to her you can not hold her put her in it (with no toys) and when she calms down take her out and hug her as a reward. If you pick her up beccause she is screaming she learns that if she keeps screaming she will get picked up. I agree it is a boundary thing.
But I also agree witht the fact that she could be afraid of something, so trying to get her to verbalize or show you why she wants to be with mommy all the time is the best way to go. I hope you get this resolved and you are able to spend time with both your girls. Hang in there, we are all cheering you on!

Hang in there (no pun intended) my daughter was the same way. She is in kindergarten now, and doing fine.

K.,

I agree with Esther and Scarlett. Read the Dr. Sears books on parenting a high needs child. Dr. Sears will tell you that at 21 months, your daughter is just now coming to the realization that you and she are separate beings, and this may be part of the cause of her reluctance to let go of you.

On the other hand, "If the mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." So, you need to come to your unique balance of meeting her needs and tending to your own and those of the rest of your family.

The carrier that allows you to put her on your back sounds great to me. So does letting her know when Mommy needs her own space.

Perhaps if you let her know ahead of time when you'll be needing to put her down that might help. Something like: "I'll hold you for now, but in just a minute you'll have to sit in the playpen while I go to the bathroom." She may still scream but at least you're providing her with some time to "transition" from your arms to the floor or playpen. Ooh! Maybe a special hug or kiss ritual for separating and returning to one another.

Let us know what works.

D. T

I don't have much advice for the younger child, but for the eldest. I had a friend that this happened to and I saw the family relationship be torn apart. The older withdrew herself after mom repeatedly kept telling her "hold on, I am dealing with your sister, etc." Her whole countenance changed and jealousy is a huge factor in there home. Maybe try to encourage the two to play more, interact, read books together. Have big sister help out, get diapers, help you clean...so that she feels important. Jealousy is a bad root, and you don't want it to start now. If you must put the younger sibling in her room when she throws a fit and go outside with the older. She also might have a physical issue, so I suggest checking with Doc. just to be on the safe side. If you get the ok, then stick her in her bed and walk away. The most important thing is you try to keep jealousy OUT! Encourage family togetherness as much as possible, reassure each child that they are both equal in your eyes. Hope that tid-bit helped!

In addition to all the other good advice, I would say get a baby carrier such as the Ergo, which allows you to wear the baby on your back. Then you can wear the baby on your back and still have your hands free to cook, fold laundry, and do stuff with your older one. You still need to stand up and move around, but it's better than having your hands full.

The Ergo is tricky to learn how to use in the beginning, but if you practice over a bed repeatedly, you will get it. Since your baby is older, she should quickly get good at getting into it too. They also give you a DVD with purchase which really helps. Do NOT buy a used one without that DVD!

Hopefully, this will at least give you some wiggle room until you figure out what is going on. By the way, I agree that Dr. Sears' books are really good.

hello, i am a mom of 3 boys 10,4 and 4 months. have you tried talking to your pediatrician? they usually hae good advise, it never works overnight but if you stick to what they offer it usually works out. good luck. my oldest was like that and once he started regular day care after about a week he was a like a brand new kid,,,, i think he was about 2.

Boy oh boy! This is a difficult and heart-wrenching problem!

My question would be what is scaring her? Is she afraid you will leave forever? Has she had bad nightmares? Try to figure out why she is behaving this way. This is obviously not normal. My son had terrible nightmares, and would have terrifying visions throughout the day. He was constantly terrorized. Thank God, they stopped when we became Orthodox Christians.

Maybe she is being bratty, but I doubt it. I have a little one who loves to cuddle a lot, but I'm not experiencing that she is afraid of anything. I get the sense that your daughter is afraid of something. Once you know, you can talk to a counselor, a priest, a pastor - someone who can help settle her down.

Sometimes when my children get really anxious, I try to calm myself as much as I can. Then in a calm state I have them look into my eyes, and I hold them, and say , calm down, relax - I'll give them some massage on their backs. I also show them calming pictures. If they have a fear about something, we'll talk about it. I don't know how verbal your daughter is. It can be difficult to draw a almost 2-year old into talking accurately about something, but maybe she can tell you what's bothering her.

If her verbal skills aren't good, there are sign language kits you can buy to help your children express themselves better until they can really talk.

I agree with the other parents, that this child can't constantly be dominating your time either - the other child is not getting her time. I hope and pray that you will come to a quick solution. God bless!

K.,

Read Penelope Leach Your Baby and Child. She has some great insight into how and why toddlers do the things they do. In fact I just read a little bit about toddlers and why they are either ultra clingy and phobic and why they are sometimes overly adventurous. I have been a nanny for several years and I once had a child that would kick and scream whenever I took a minute to go to the bathroom or attempt to do ANYTHING! I know how frustrating it is!! Just remember at this age everything is a phase and popping Ella into her porta-crib or a high chair when you need a minute is not out of the question.

Wow, that sounds hard. This is going to sound even harder, but you may have to consider that you just have a high-needs child. Maybe the best thing is to get a good baby carrier (like the Ergo which you can wear on the back or front) and stay close to her. Convince her that you'll always be there for her and as she gets older she'll feel secure enough to venture away from your side. Best of luck, your back must hurt :(