19 Month Old Clingy Behavior

hey there! i hear what you are saying. ultimatley you need to listen to yourself and doctors really are NOT trained in lactation issues. go to a la leche league meeting if you have not already and seek advice from seasoned nursing moms...it is a great support. also, my son is 19 months and nurses ALL THE TIME! i really can empathize with the frustrations at times. but, it sounds like she really needs you. everything that i have read and heard from other wise women is that if there is a need, we should fill it, and when you try to take things away at this age or attempt "cold turkey" stuff it doesn't really work...meaning, that it could initially work, but what issues of abandonment would you be giving her? they are needy little animals and right now it's out job to help them and support them in whatever way we can. i know the whole getting out vs. staying at home issue...i think a lot of it is bordeom and she is definitley picking up on your cues of frustration with her and it's making it worse. try to calm yourself and figure out how to make sure you are a happy momma so that she won't pick up that you are resisting her. i wish you lots of luck and feel free to contact me if you wanna talk more! :)

1 mom found this helpful

Hi M.,
I agree with the previous post. If she is not too heavy you could try wearing her in a sling around the house. The Ergo carrier is great because you can wear her on your back.
I agree with you and not your Doc. If you would like some sound alternateve advice definitely check with the La Leche League. I don't think weaning cold turkey while she wants/needs you is in her best interest.
I would just look at this as a phase, and don't worry about getting anything done. Everyone who has had a child understands, stuff sometimes just doesn't get done!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi M.~ you should read the reqest and response string from yesterday entitled "My 16 month old is driving me crazy" because it is almost identical and lots of people responded.

The only thing it doesn't cover is the nursing. Sometimes pediatricians have different beliefs than mom. If you want to start weaning, I'd talk to La Leche...they can give some good advice.

Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

Yes, this is a hard one. It is not just the nursing, and I praise you for the extended nursing! Some children just have an inborn temperment that is this way. I will also say that some children DO need a lot of outside stimulus and that when it is not available reach toward nursing, or other things to provide it. as an older mother, this is hard to give to your daughter!!!! I thnk that many pediatricians miss the mark with this. If your gut feeling is that this is somehow cruel or not right, you MUST listen to your inner voice!!!! It will not misguide yiou. One thing that I can say for sure about children is that they require a ton of patients and time while they bloom and develop!!
This will not be the last phase that requires so much of you!!!!! Pediatricians may know a lot, but your gut instincts are invaluable. do what your gut tells you, it will never fail. We are about the only nation in the world that pushes indepence and weaning so early on our children, so it is not so much your daughter that is out of wack than it is our whole society, what it values, and what it tells you to do!!!! You can however start to tell her that as she is becomming a big girl, that she will not be nursing as much and YOU can set the limits on it as per you comfort! She now has the capacity to understand and adjust to it. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi M.,
You have some great advice so far. The only thing I want to add is that you may want to consider changing pediatricians to someone with similar views to you. If you are ready and want to wean, go ahead and do it gradually. But don't stop nursing because this one pediatrician told you too - that is a rather old-fashioned, out-of-date piece of advice.
Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

My 16 month old boy, Hudson, does exactly the same behavior - and hasn't been breastfed since 6 mos old. So I would not associate it w/ the old boobie time. :) I'd say it's just normal toddler behavior.

It is hard to get anything done, but I swing him on my hip after a few hugs & kisses - and either try to distract him w/ his favorite toys, sit him down to eat or just try to get stuff done w/ the little man on my hip. I know these days won't last, so I try to relish them - although since I'm a working mom - I really need that time to cook, clean up, etc.... so while it sucks - I do that stuff after he goes to bed. Good luck to you!

Have you tried wearing her on your back for a while? My daughter went through clingy stages around this time too. In order to get things done, I was able to reassure her that she could stay close to me (on my back, in a carrier) or be my helper. And then I would make little jobs for her that were somehow related to the bigger projects I was involved with. Sweeping was a favorite activity to help with but sorting and folding clothes were hits too.

I didn't wean until much later but if you're interested in cutting down, you can definitely talk to your daughter about which times of day you're going to continue to nurse--one of the bonuses of weaning when your child is becoming verbal (but then you need to stick to those times in order to keep her trust and your sanity) The great news is that this is a passing phase... Good luck!

I don't think your issue with your daughter being clingy is related to nursing. If you choose to wean her, don't do it cold turkey.

My daughter is 21 months old and I feel like I have been dealing with a similar situation. I think it is a phase that she is going through. She is just reassuring herself that I am always there. That said I cannot let her control me all of the time. I have a great husband that is comfortable dealing with her when all she wants is me. Sometimes she only wants to be held by me and both my husband and I will be clear that it is daddy or nothing at the moment. I am almost 30 weeks pregnant so I cannot carry her around all the time. I also try to redirect her to other things that she might enjoy. I set up projects where she can be independent for a little while. I rotate toys to she gets distracted and is able to entertain herself for short periods of time. When she has played well by herself for a while I make sure that I am available to give her some cuddle time and attention.

I feel that she is getting better with time and I am not sure that it is tied to how I am handling it. She may just be getting through a clingy phase where she needs me a little more.

My son loved to be held all the time. He is 3 1/2 and still loves to be held. I wish I would have used a sling more with him. I am pregnant with my second baby and have done tons of reading about slings for this baby and some even go to 40 pounds. My son is only 32 pounds and I have considered a sling for him. There are tons of styles of slings and wraps out there. It might be worth trying one out to help free up your hands. Even though my son always loved to be held he is capable of doing things on his own although he likes to be close by me. My son is very smart and affectionate. I always found support for nursing and attachment parenting from the Dr. Sears website and books. It might seem like you will be holding your daughter forever but soon she will be too big and old to hold and you will wish for those days back. Good luck!

I am guessing that your daughter doesn't require nursing to meet her nutritional needs. So, it is probably a comfort thing. It sounds like she is demanding to be comforted through out the day. I would redirect her to an activity that could also provide comfort. This is going to annoy her and she is going to cry. She will call out "mama" in order to get you to change your mind and nurse her. You are going to have to be firm or she is going to continue to order you around. You are the parent. It's your job to set limits even when your daughter disagrees with them. You don't have to be harsh, just consistent. Children don't really want to be in charge, but they will take charge when parents won't. I don't think your daughter is going to outgrow nursing for comfort. Unless you gently but firmly guide her to other activities, she will continue to demand what she wants.

Hi M.,

I started late in life too - I was 41 when I delivered my one and only. She was over the top clingy - my "mommy and me" friends could not believe how clingy she was. I too, could not go to the bathroom, cook dinner, etc. without the constant mama mama mama..... I feel your pain. And forget babysitters....they'd do it once and never again. She would cry the entire time I was gone. She finally got better in pre-school. Now at the age of eight - it's "mom who?"

I finally decided just to give in to the clingy behavior since everything else I tried didn't work. It didn't make her any less clingy - but today she is confident, assertive, and very smart.

Good luck to you - I know how difficult the clingyness is - and I wonder too - if because we were older, if we're more sensitive to it?

Dear M.,

If you have had your peditrician for 18 months, you probably like and trust him/her. I also think Brooke has some very good advise.

Your daughter probably has a few sippy cups, but another idea is to take her shopping and talk with her about being a big girl and drinking out of a cup instead of always nursing. Let her pick out her own cups and when it's time to nurse do the cup every other time. You could also let her play "mommy" with one of her dolls. Give the doll drinks from an empty sippy cup as a visual example. Tell her how much the doll likes drinking from the sippy cup.

You'll do fine...and another thing to remember, she may very soon go through a phase where she wants ONLY daddy. Maybe you could get him envolved with the sippy cup transition??

The great thing is your daughter can understand much of what you say to her. She also knows how to get her way. My daughter nursed until she was 21 months old but I had to wean her for a trip with my husband. I set her on the counter and we had a little talk "eye to eye," I told her we weren't going to nurse all day. Then we gradually cut out feedings, giving her a drink from a cup instead. She was also incredibly clingy, the ideas about keeping her involved and distracting her worked very well with all of my kids. When they were overly clingy or wanted to nurse (as I was trying to wean) I would take their little hand and have them walk with me to our next activity. It gave them a little independence and gives your back a break. After my first two kids I became alot more practical about what it was I actually needed to do for my child. In many ways she is manipulating you with her behavior. Keep talking to her kindly, telling her she is fine, that you are there, let's go get the vacuum,etc... It might take a few days but if you are firm and really follow through it only took mine a few days.

what about throwing her on your back? do you have an ergo carrier? that always saved me when my kid was super needy and i didnt want to hold him with my arms, way better on your body than any front carrier at her age. also, it gives her closeness while letting her explore for herself. i think it helps them transition away from you some. i would just throw it on and get the housework done! good luck

You could wean her off one time during the day first, then the second until you are eventually finished. She is probably ready to snack on more foods, milk, etc.

Mothering a toddler is challenging whether you are breastfeeding or not and in my experience it is quite typical for all negative behavior to be blamed on toddler nusring and that most people say weaning is the answer. Your daughter will still want to be with you and be held by you if you wean her. I have nursed all my children and we had big bumps in the road. If your local La Leche League has a toddlers meeting, I highly reccomend it. It is so nice to gripe and get your feeligns off your chest and heve people say I feel for you, we were there too and here is what happened for me. I found that the advice in the book "Mothering Your Nursing Toddler" which you can borrow from LLL or your local library to be beneficial. Also there is a Yahoo Group for Toddler Nurslings that I used to belong to and found very helpful. Be consistant and firm with your daughter and whatever you decide (unlimited nursing, cold turkey weaning, only nursing at specific times or places, or limited duration of nursing/holding) will work, it may just take time.

I don't think it has to do with nursing. I nursed both of my boys until 23 months. What I think it has to do with is you setting boundries with her. It is hard the first few times, but then she will know you mean it. Sit down and read tell stories or sing songs. Help her find activities she can do on her own while you are getting something done. My daughter is 14 months old and yes, it is difficult to get things done with a toddler, but not impossible. Be patient and decide what your priority is. She may have just learned that when she does certain things she gets a certain result. Change the result and she may change the behavior. Best of luck from a long time nurser.

How about trying to increase the activities while at home? Like painting, play-dough, blocks, cooking (just let her mix flour and water and give her a couple of bowls and let her play, for instance), outside in the yard stuff - roll a ball, run aroud? My daughter wants to nurse a lot when she's basically bored, so maybe yours is similar?

Good luck!

Hi M., my 19 mo old son has gone back and forth with the same behavior and he only does it with me -- not Dad, babysitters, etc. Oh, also, he is not breastfeeding.

I find that most of the time he just wants to be up at my level and see what I see or see what I am doing. He also wants me to hold him when he can't reach something or wants to see something up high. For instance, when I'm cooking.. . he responds well to sitting in his highchair without the table so he can see what I'm doing.

I also spend a good amount of time on the floor at his level. He loves just coming over to me with a book, a toy, or sometimes just a quick hug and then he is off to playing on his own. He just really likes having me accesible. I find when I don't do this enough, he is more clingy and I can't get things done around the house.

Regarding chores, my son enjoys "helping" Mama. He has his own vaccumm, broom and dust buster. So when I need to clean I make sure to get his tools out for him.

The only other thing I can suggest is to find a playgroup and start by having 1-2 similar age toddlers over to your house. Sometimes that is a good "break" in the week from having to be your child's only focus. Talk to your church, your neighbors or friends to find other children. I'm in Castro Valley. ;0)

Best of luck and God Bless,
M.

M.,

It is normal, and it is finite. You are not supposed to get anything done right now, other than build a loving physical bond with your daughter. Let that supportive dad cook while you look at books together. Before you can say "Goodnight Moon", she will be a daddy's girl and you can pay him back.

These precious moments really do slip through your fingers. Don't waste a one.

R.

Sounds like it could be a challenge. You may have tried this already, but I would recommend to have your husband start feeding your daughter from a bottle even if its with your breast milk. That's how we weaned my sons and it created more of a bond with Dad, who is also very hands on. Hope this helps. Do you stay at home all the time with her. How about trying a part time daycare situation to give you some time and to help her gain independence. My daycare helped me to set routines and establish independence. It is an at home daycare run by women from El Salvador. I love it. If you are interested, let me know, they would probably be open to a part time situation just to give you some relief and help to wean your daughter.

I sympathize with your need for your own space and time to do things. My daughter
definitely prefers mom, often would cry even if I left her in a room with her dad. She nursed until about 22 mos, and practically weaned herself, I just didn't offer if she didn't ask. She is really starting to become more independent now. I really don't agree with cold turkey weaning in response to clinging. In fact, it makes me sad to hear a pediatrician would even suggest it. It seems to me, she is asking for closeness, contact, comfort, all the things breastfeeding provides her...so if you respond by cutting her off you may be sending the wrong message to her. I have found, so far, that every behavior that concerned me was a phase. So, perhaps you could stay strong, relax and enjoy your wonderful bond, and nurture the confidence in your precious little one by showing her you are always there for her. Have patience. You're doing a wonderful thing in caring for daughter. L. ( 41 y.o. mother of 23 mos old daughter)

Is this something new or has this been on going. If it is new, I am sure it is a separation anxiety phase that kids go in and out of. If you really need to get things done and she won't let you put her down, have you tried using a carrier like an ergo or a wrap so that you can hold her but still have your hands free to get things done? Given her age, you could wear her on your back (or front) and she'll be able to get what she needs and you can still get things done;->

Good luck!

Have you tried wearing her at home in a sling, pack carrier, etc? This might help you get through this clingy stage and still get things done.

Sounds normal to me. I've noticed that any resistance I might have to my daughter's clingy behavior (on and off for her all her life, she is now 4.5) only increases her anxiety and makes clinginess escalate. So, I try to go with it. I try to remember these are young children programmed by evolution to stick close to their mothers; she's not acting that way to annoy me. From her point of view, mama is constantly disappearing, and that's terrifying.

At 19 months she is probably heavy. Can you wear her in a backpack or ergo baby carrier on your back as you do housework? Those Kelty backpacks distribute the weight well and are comfy for parents. I would definitely ignore that pediatrician's advice about weaning.