Emotions

YOU are not alone! I have the same thoughts about death! Life is so fragile, love your babies every day and never take the ones you love for granted! When you start having those thoughts, try to distract yourself, maybe read a book, sit down and do an activity with your child, or find a positive hobby that makes you feel good! As for dieing before your time, You could always get a WILL drawn up and find someone you trust ,family member, Godparent, etc. to raise your kids if something were to happen to you! God is all around you, just go for a nature walk, look at the sun set, your kids, he is in everything beautiful! Having a little faith goes along way! Try reading "The Left Behind" series by Tim Lahaye! Very good book, it is a Christian futuristic book, depicting the book of Revelation! Thanks!

I went through a very similar thing after the birth of my first child. I wasn't so much thinking of my own death but got very paranoid that someone would try to enter our home to cause us harm. My husband works in the evening and so I was home alone with our baby. I would work out elaborate plans in my head as to how I would escape with the baby in tow depending on which door the intruder would come through. I'm sure it was a combination of post partum depression, sleep depervation and stress. I think as others have suggested that therapy would be very helpfull however i did not go this route. I mostly just suffered through it and eventually mentioned it to my doctor who put me on a mild anti-depressant. It helped alot as well as getting back to a more normal sleeping schedule.

As for your mention of religious confusion...again I can relate. I was not raised in church like my husband was and so don't have that foundation from childhood. We raise our kids in church but i still have conflicting views. I think of myself as a spiritualist. I believe in a higher power or the connectiveness of all living things but don't really subscribe to the religious doctrine. I think it's OK to still be searching for the truth.

I will think positive thoughts for you. Hang in there and do tell your doctor.

Start with your GP, that person can be a great resource both for psychiatric (pharmaceutical) and psychological (therapy) referrals. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and struggled for most of my life with obsessive and troubling thoughts about all kinds of disasters - car accidents, plane crashes, illnesses - for me and the people I love. I was always highly functional (actually, a characteristic of GAD) but wasted so much energy "managing" these intrusive thoughts. A combination of antidepressants and therapy (traditional therapy as well as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which has been extensively studied and is highly effective for anxiety.) God may or may not be a part of this healing journey for you - only you can know if a higher power needs to be a part of your life. Start with the anxiety, and see where that leads you. (I've been in therapy several times over the past fifteen years, most recently with a therapist who was also an Episcopal priest and a certified "spiritual director", and eventually started working with a spiritual direction group - kind of like group therapy only with a focus on spirituality - and eventually joined a church - I understand your craving for the sense of safety that a certainty about God implies. God has certainly been a part of this process for me, but only after I got a handle on the neuro-chemical parts of the anxiety.) I've read many books over the years, recommended by therapists and friends, but this one was the best:

http://www.amazon.com/Worry-Trap-Yourself-Acceptance-Comm...

Good luck! Know that you are *not* alone, many many of us struggle with anxiety of all kinds, and that there are many many ways to cope with it, so that you can just live your life, without wasting all that energy worrying about the unknown future.

I'll bet part of your emotional roller coaster is due to disruptions in sleep--pretty common with a 8-month old. Sleep problems weaken your mental health.Get some help from a mental health therapist. No shame in that!

If you haven't been gettting your 8 hours uninterrupted sleep over a long time, your brain has ceased to function properly. If you're prone to panicking, lack of sleep makes it worse. So a therapist may suggest some methods or supplements to sleep better. (Remember, sleep deprivation is a form of torture used at Guantanamo!)

I went throught the same thing when my son was born. At 8 months, the sleep deprivation really "got to me" but I was so worn out at that point I know that's what it was! My husband conviced me to see a therapist and it really helped. Mental health therapy is covered by most insurance policies. You don't have to tell others if you don't want to, but there is no shame in it!

Hey if you're waterskiing and you have an 8-month old, I commend you for getting out! Way to go!

I'm guessing almost every adult has thoughts like these occasionally, B., but they do sound like they have an unusually hard hold on you. What you describe could be a symptom of depression, so you might want to consider getting treated. You have a scientific orientation, and that's just fine. I have two suggestions.

If you google "maternal depression and child development," you'll see that to really help your kids get the best start in life, you'd do well to get hold of this early.

Also, it might help to question your thoughts carefully when this is happening. There's a wonderful process for this taught by a woman named Byron Katie. You can access her method of doing "The Work" at http://www.thework.com/thework.php.

Follow the three steps for the process: fill out the "judge your neighbor" worksheet but substitute the statement "I'm afraid I will die and leave my kids without a mom.," ask yourself the four questions about that thought, and find the turnarounds. This may help you tremendously – it tends to work pretty quickly for me with every stressful thought I have.

So, here's one possible way the work might proceed with the thought, "I'm afraid I will die and leave my kids without a mom."

The questions:
1. Is it true? (Well, it sure could happen, right?)

2. Can you absolutely know that it's true? (Ummm, no. Lots of parents live to see their children grow up. I could, too.)

3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought? (I feel sad, anxious, my chest feels constricted, I feel too heavy to move, my life feels hopeless, I start grieving for my children, there is no joy in watching them play, I feel exhausted, etc.)

4. Who would you be without the thought? (I would feel light, a weight would come off my shoulders, I could breathe more easily, a darkness would leave my brain, my future would feel brighter, I wouldn't be afraid to ______, I would feel more joyful about my children's futures, I could picture them graduating / going to college / getting married, I would feel more alive, etc.)

Turn the thought around. Name at least three other thoughts that are as true, or truer:

A: I might not die before my children are grown. Could happen!

B: When I feel lost in this thought, my children are "motherless" now, because I'm caught up, body and soul, in a future death that may never happen.

C: Even if I were to die, my children won't be motherless. They'll still have memories of me and what I mean to them. They'll remember what I have taught them. They have my genetic imprint. My husband could find a wonderful woman to be their step-mom.

Just an example. Do the work yourself and give your own truest answers. I think you'll get a sense of how powerful this process can be.

My best to you.

It may help you to talk to someone (counselor, psychologist, pastor, priest) to help you sort through these feelings.

I have had passing thoughts of such things (don't we all?) but not to the degree you describe. It may be normal, it may be your way of coping with life's uncertainties - but that's where a professional can help you hone in on the problem (if any).

im sorry you are having such a bad time. this sounds like it might have some post partum depression attached to it. its probably not normal to worry about dying at every moment all day, you know? we are all afraid of dying, and once in a while the thought passes my mind and im devastated for my son if i were to die. i think every mom thinks about it. but it doesnt consume me to the point where im frightened and thinking about all the details. it would be helpful if you could talk to your doctor about this and see if there are some ways that you can talk to a counselor or just check to see if theres some hormonal imbalance going on. theres nothing shameful about this, you just have to make sure you can take care of you and not have the fear anymore, at least not to this extent.

i highly recommend reading the Bible once in a while. you dont have to read a lot, and the easiest to read is probably matthew mark luke and john. ;) it gives me comfort anyway! :)

www.amazingfacts.org is a good site to get some info if you were interested.

one last thought, even if you are confused, or having a hard time figuring out religion because of science, one thing you can do no matter what is pray. just simply saying something like "God, i know you are there, and im tired of being so afraid! please help take away this fear!" - God is there to relieve our struggles, our fears, our concerns and worries. He doesnt want us to fear. so just take a step out in faith and ask Him to calm your worries. if you ask it He will answer, so even if its not right away, just keep on going.

as far as science goes, it takes just as much faith to believe in a theory that we did not observe and cannot replicate as it does to believe in a God we cant see, but Whos imprint we can see in our children, in every plant and creature and in the very sky. for me, its a lot easier to believe that God made us this place from the biggest star to the smallest molecule than to believe that it all happened by accident. but thats just me. i know this world is full of conflicting information, but remember, even evolution is simply a theory, and we havent been able to replicate, or observe it, so we really dont know.

i once heard someone refer to carbon dating in this way: imagine theres a room with no windows and no doors and inside is a candle burning. now, all of a sudden you cut a hole through the wall and enter the room. you are going to determine how long the candle has been burning, but you have no references on how to do that; you dont know how tall it was to begin with. sooo lets say that there is a slip of paper there saying how tall it was (with carbon dating, theres no "cheat sheet" telling us how long its been happening). so you can estimate, based on the current burn rate, how long the candle has been burning based on how tall it was when it was lit.

but we have forgotten one really important detail! the flame on the candle needs oxygen to burn. as the oxygen burns and less is present in the room, the candle slows down (try putting something over the top of a candle to see what happens when you cut off or limit the oxygen entering the candle). the room was closed up before you entered it. when you came in, the oxygen in the room was increased because you let more air in. so now the candle is actually burning faster than it was before.
point being, when we started paying attention and watching the carbon dating process, we were watching how it currently burns. this is after humans started effecting the planet, the air conditions, the environment conditions, etc. so we really have no way of telling based on current carbon dating information what it was like before we started cutting trees, creating air pollution, planting non-native plants, etc etc etc. its pretty strong faith that can believe in a theory when we have no details on how it began .... just as much faith, in fact, than to believe that God spoke all of creation into existence.

dont get me wrong, science has its value, its very valueable!! we have many answers to many questions about the world around us, and the scientific process is very helpful in allowing us to figure out how things work. however, when the very theory science uses to devalue God cant even be tested by the scientific process.... thats where someone's gotta draw the line. a major part of the scientific process is testing your theory by replicating it. we cant replicate any form of evolution. so its kinda got a hole there....

anyway.
dont discredit science. it does a lot for us, for our world, for our health, for everything. but it doesnt answer everything. it cant explain how every single giraffe has a different pattern. it cant explain how no 2 flowers, animals, people, fingerprint, or dna will ever match another. it cant explain the sparkle in the eye of a child or the trust of a pet to a human. it cant explain the love in our hearts or the urge to do something for someone else. it cant explain emotions. ;)

so if you want to believe in God believe in God, and still love science and explore the world! right now, you might not have all the answers, and you might not be able to figure out how to "match up" science and God, but both are very real, very valid and very interesting subjects. logically, science explains processes in our world, but God explains love and good in our world. i dunno. im talking too much. www.amazingfacts.org is a great resource, and might have some answers for you.

anyway.
good luck , and take care of yourself. talk to your doctor, even your child's doctor. see what they can do for you as well. :) and just keep asking questions, and believe! :)

I strongly urge you to get help. My symptoms didn't look like a typical depression, either--like you, I could function in my life, but had intrusive thoughts. Post-partum mental health symptoms can appear or occur up to two years after the birth of a child. Please find a therapist to talk things over with. That person can refer you for a psychiatrist if you guys think medication would be temporarily helpful to get you through this period.

About the whole science / faith thing I am a scientist and a firm believer in God. The way I have always rectified it is the further you investigate with science the more you see the wonder. If it all happened by accident it would seem to be a shame to me. Also as we study the beginnings of all life (say the big bang) I see God at that beginning moment. How else was it all set into motion? There has been no explanation. So maybe I don't believe in a human God but I do believe there is a life force that we all share and is greater then us. Just think about those amazing kids and how they came from literally nothing and now they can walk, talk, THINK (craziness). It is a miracle even if you are looking for hard facts.

And the way I except death every time is to insist it won't be the end. I simply believe there must be more... something.

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If you are "obsessing" over the fear of dying, you either want to consult a counselor or your preacher. Either way you have to be open and honest with yourself and your fears. Surely you know that there is someone capable of raising your kids if you are gone. If there isn't and that is part of your fear, then you need to find new bonds with different people. I don't want to die and leave my son either, but I also know there are people capable of raising him the way I want him raised if I am gone- and I leave it all in GODs hands- there is nothing I can do to change it- so I cannot allow myself to worry about it- worrying takes away so much joy from life. My sister- in-law died unexpectedly of cancer when her twins were 3, and her older kids were 16 & 18. Through help from the family and the community, the kids are really ok. There are days my- now 11 year old niece asks me to move closer so I can be like her mom, but mostly they do pretty good. As for religious confusion- I often say- "my spiritual mind knows things will be fine but my logical mind knows there could be problems- which mind do I wnat to listen to?" I have to talk myself through it- and also realize it doesn't matter WHICH philosophy you believe-the world is what it is, even with the big bang theory- something larger had to create it
I will pray for you :)

Did I write this??? Please know that you're not alone. I firmly believe in talk therapy. I wanted to be able to handle this problem on my own, but after too long, I accepted that I couldn't make the thoughts disappear on their own. Talking to a therapist was just what I needed to start feeling sane again-I hope it works for you too. As for religion-I'm with ya-too logical of a person to accept it. I've been trying meditation and although I'm not that good at it (turns out-it's hard to silence the brain) I have gotten some "aha" moments that make things come together. It helps when things make sense in a nice neat little package. I'm proud of you that you were able to share this-now go the next step and talk it out. :)

This is not normal. It sounds like you're suffering a lot. I recommend you get into your doctor right away. This is an obsessive thought behavior.

Also, btw, I'm very religious or have a strong faith life and I wholeheartly believe in science. Science does NOT contradict religion. Science only proves the very existance of God!
I'm Roman Catholic and to be Catholic it is necessary to believe that God is our Creator. It's okay to believe in Evololution and still be Catholic; although my own gut feeling says otherwise many times, but some evolution does make sense.
Anyway, I do hope you get help and get better. After I had my first born child at the age of 25, I suddenly realized I wasn't immortal anymore and I no longer take the risk in life that I used to, but I've never been obsessed about it.

First off, I truly believe that God is real and is helping you.
Secondly, why do you hate to use the word, "depression". ANYBODY can suffer from it at any time of their lives. There are lots of reasons for depression and most often it's temporary. From what I understand, chemicals change in your brain and it's a long road to return for some people. Everyone needs a little help once in a while. You might not need medication or you might. Your thoughts may be obsessive and there are good ways to guide you back to your normal self with therapy.
Thirdly, I have had the same experience. I've grown to realize that I won't be on Earth forever - no one will. And my job in life is to work hard to make my children so well rounded and as adaptable as possible so that they CAN be happy without me. I'm not saying that they would turn on a happy face the next day but that they can healthily adjust to my demise. Parents' jobs are to help their kids grow to be happy adults and to gather the tools to help their kids become self sufficient and responsible. And, in my opinion, your job is to make that happen the best you can. I handled this when they were very young, by being responsible myself, and making a will and writing out what I want to happen if I should die young. I also talked in length with my husband to help him make decisions if that should happen. I even went so far to take out a large insurance policy so that when I die, there would be plenty of money to give the kids all sorts of support that they would need. That helped me rest easier about them.
For me, I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. I read books about becoming a stronger Christian and worked to provide myself with a stronger "base" so I would feel more secure. That helped alot when I would get an illness or something, I could hand it to HIm and ask HIm to please take care of this for me and give me strength to face life and death. I think He gives me courage and strength.
God Bless you and I pray for Him to guide you to feeling more secure and more safe. God Bless you for your questions and for publishing them so others can learn and grow from you.

i went thru this when i had my kids-boy talk about anxiety huh? 30 yrs ago they had no cure for this...go see your dr.sounds like your baby blues are needing some serious attention.it did eventually go away with me-but now i go thru it as im 50 yrs old-lots of friends have just suddenly died-mostly heart attacks...so at bed time im full of fear an anxiety-i just walk myself thru it-get in bed an watch tv til i knock out-so i think you should really go see your dr.asap...good luck

B.- I am so sad to hear you're having these issues. However, I am SO GLAD I'm not the only one!

I've struggled with panic disorder since I was 11. I've been taking medication for four years and went to counseling for 3 1/2 years. I really had it "under control" until my daughter was born. I kept having these "someday, I'll be dead" thoughts and it seemed like I couldn't get death out of my head. It's gotten better, but I still have these thoughts sometimes :/ I also think that having a baby is a wake up call to "I'm getting older", calling your parents grandma and grandpa, etc.

I have to say that I am a devout Catholic and my faith has really helped me through this. I also just try to tell myself that yes, someday I will die and yes, it could happen at anytime. But right now, I'm alive so I'm going to think about being alive and being with my daughter. Have you thought of counseling or medication? I know from experience it can really help! Sometimes just talking about stuff like this can help :)

I hope you find some peace of mind soon!

I too often think, "what if something happens to me?" It's normal, but not to the point of constant fear. If you want to believe in God, it means you "feel" there's something missing. That's how God communicates with us. He's calling you to him. God knows everything about you, and has his arms wide open, inviting you to give him your worries. I've come to notice that when I over think something, things get screwed up. But when I pray, which is just talking to God, telling him what's going on with you, I feel at peace, I'm no longer afraid of things to the level I used to be. You'll start to see that things that used to seem like a big deal, no longer pack the punch they used to. My advice is to just talk to God, even if you're uncertain what to believe. He doesn't require perfection before we come to him. He wants us just as we are.

I think once we become moms it is a natural thought process. However, the best way to deal with that anxiety is to get a plan in place to take care of your kids in the event you do die. We are ALL going to die at some point, so no sense in worrying when. Just also put a plan in place for your soul's salvation so that you can feel secure when it happens. We are body/soul and spirit. Just like an apple, the seed must go back to the ground to produce more apples. The body rots, but the spirit remains alive, so keep your spirit in check so you can be at peace. All the best

I completely understand your resistance to referring to your feelings as "depression". However, I believe that you may benefit simply from "talk therapy" -- sorting out your feelings and thoughts with a professional. They will be able to help you through your feelings and determine whether or not you will benefit from medication. There is no shame in needing help! Do it for your children.

I am a very logical thinker and into science as well, but am also a firm believer in Christ. Many people think you can only be one or the other, but I feel that science is a further testimony of the existence of God.

My beliefs brings me so much peace about the mortality of families, because I know that God has a plan to keep us united after death.
I think this page would bring you a lot of peace:
http://mormon.org/plan-of-happiness/

I'm not sure if this could be remnants of the baby blues, they can hang around or even appear up to 2 years I believe after having a child. Maybe speaking to your obgyn or Dr. if you need to get referred to counseling or on a temporary anti-depressant could help, if you feel these thoughts are really bringing you down and interfering with your ability to bond or live life as usual.

Also, maybe if you go ahead and make a journal for them, make lots of videos, make a will, it could bring some peace to you should anything happen, you know they will be taken care of.

My husband is an extremely science based logical thinker. What helped him to take the leap of faith and believe in God was reading C.S. Lewis books. They show the way that C.S. Lewis came to grips with his faith as he also originally thought that science and Christianity did not mix. I would start with 'Mere Christianity'.

I also think these thoughts about not being here for my kiddos (my youngest is 7 1/2 months now too)... I worry about my husband being able to even find a step mom for my kids, because who would want to take on all 5 kiddos, especially if she already had a few of her own! The advantage that I have is my faith... I see the amazing ways that God provides for us in many ways, day after day. I know He would continue to provide for my husband and kiddos even after I was gone. I think focusing on figuring out what you really believe is going to help you line up all the rest of your thoughts too. May God bless you in this pivotal time of your life! :-]

Hi, B.!

To be honest, it doesn't sound like you're "depressed" at all. Postpartum Anxiety is far, far more common and it's a shame that it doesn't get near the amount of attention that the bigger issues like PPD or postpartum psychosis get. Those are the ones that make the news while millions (literally, millions!) of women suffer from new waves of anxiety and don't have a clue what they're going through.

In my case, I was already diagnosed with an anxiety disorder in college and went through therapy for it because it was starting to "run" my life. (I wouldn't go to classes after dark, etc.) Good for you for taking control of it NOW and not letting it get that far! I was on a tiny dose of Zoloft for several years because it helped boost the seratonin levels in my brain and helped me take control of the "bad thoughts" and "what if's" that were running my schedule and ruining my sleep! By the time I was married and having kids, I had it under control and was able to stop the medication while pregnant and nursing two children.

I won't lie - the "baby blues" period after having my second child was MUCH harder anxiety-wise. I couldn't take both of my children places by myself because what if someone grabbed one of them? What would I do with the other one? It became such an issue that I ended up going BACK on the tiny dose (25 mg) of Zoloft when my second child was a few months old. It has really helped me calm down and just enjoy my children and my life. I'm sure when the hormones settle down and they're a bit older, I'll be able to go back off of it. But for now? Who cares if I need a little seratonin boost in the morning?! If it makes my day better and makes me a better, less-stressed mommy, it is well worth it.

Speaking of seratonin and neurotransmitters in general: It's easy to think that I have control over my own body by being able to "tweak" things just by taking a pill that science has provided me. But WHO made the system that I'm "tweaking" in the first place? God, of course! Like others have said, the more you delve into science and genetics, the more it becomes categorically impossible that there wasn't an intelligent designer making it all work!

Whether you decide to ask your doctor about Zoloft or continue trying to tackle it on your own, best of luck with taking control of the anxiety!

Wow, you think a lot. I, like you, don't ever want to leave my children without their mother, but you cannot expect your death. Even if your demise is 10 minutes from now, or 50 years, there's nothing you can do about it, ya know? You might want to consider anti-anxiety meds. And what does your husband think about your worrying? Do you have girlfriends you see often and can share your emotions with? You need some structure. You need to stay busy. Exercise and get your serotonine levels up! Stop thinking! -Really! lol

Hi B.,

I must have been you before. lol. I too have wondered about my fate. My mom died of breast cancer when I was 25 yo. She imparted many years of her wisdom onto us four kids as fast as she could in the 16 years she knew about her situation.

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