Advice Needed to Reassure a Six Year Old Boy About Death and Loved Ones

J.,

I would sit down with him at some point when he's calm, not freaked out, and talk with him about it all. Explain to him that Auntie and Uncle were very very sick, and that it was their time to go to heaven. Also explain to him that Gramma and Grampa aren't going anywhere any time soon, that you'll be around for a long time (hopefully). Answer as honestly and truthfully as you possibly can, kids know when they're lied to.

Recently I have discovered the truth of the saying "kids will ask the questions when they can handle/deal with the answers". Of all the school shootings on the news lately, my 4 1/2 year old son has only asked questions about the NIU one.

Hope this helps, I don't know what else to suggest,
Melissa

I think I would take him to a therapist who specialized in this matter if the other suggestions don't work. It's a hard subject to deal with. He needs to live each day to its fullest, playing and learning having fun. So if the other things don't work I would take him in.

Hi J.,
Bless your heart for being such a kind-hearted person. Thank you for taking care of so many in your family. What a gem you are. I'm sorry that I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to give you my faith and prayers that you'll handle it the best way with your grandson.
Good luck!

My middle daughter went through this after the loss of her grandparents and then later it all came back after the 9/11 tragedy. It just takes time and comforting to ease their fears. As time goes by and they see you are still there and with them eases it for them. My big focus was that I told her she could talk out loud to them when she missed them and God would make sure they got the message. I dont know if your family is religious but this did help a great deal for my daughter. Another thing we did was on their birthdays and at christmas we bought a balloon and attached a note or a card that they wrote or picture even and sent it to heaven for them to read.
I dont know if this helps its just what worked for my daughter.

Since he has seen illness and death, perhaps exposing him to life situation, child births etc. And talking about babies and new life. How people at times are miraculously healed from their illness and disease. How our bodies heal after we get a cut. Perhaps even telling him why there is death, and that there can only be victory in death by faith in Jesus Christ. He was/is the firstfruits of the grave. As was resurrected from death. Only God can raise the dead. Also, we don't know know the number of our days. Or even the hours, minutes, seconds we have left to live. But to live life to it's fullest. To love others and to love God. And to do what pleases God by obeying him. Honor your father and mother, that you may prolong your days. So the importance of listening to what mommy and daddy say. And also following your instruction. Teaching him the importance of living, that he will appreciate to be alive and want to live. Healthy eating habits. Playing is good exercise. Dealing with problems and emotions. And coping with things are healthy. Explaining to him that it's ok to be sad sometimes. But that if he is always sad, then he will miss out on a lot of nice times with grandma and everyone else. Help him to see the good in everything. And really encourage him. And talking about fear. That you fear things too, but it only adds stress and complicates things. And really leads to bondage, but the fear of God is liberating. And we don't have to fear because God is in control. There is much that could be said, but it's an opportunity to train, take advantage of it. May you and your family be blessed. And may there be healing and comfort to all who are mourning. Since he has asked about heaven, carefully consider what to say to him about the kingdom. There is not much in the Scriptures, but what we do know is that there won't be any death or sorrow or suffering... May he conquer his fears and anxiety by the power of God revealed in his life.

With my daughter, I explained to her that God knows what's best for everyone, and he only lets people die when it's the right time. Part of the reason for anxiety is that he feels no one is in charge of death and it can happen to anyone at any time. Explain to him that God usually gives people time to say goodbye. Tell him that now is not the time that God chose for you to die, so he doesn't need to worry. This will only cause more harm than good if you die that day, which I am sure won't happen.

Good luck. Unfortunately, he is right about the age that most kids start to understand death and get worried that loved ones might die. It passes.

hi J.......i am a 53 year old woman who spent most of her first 23 years of life with a dying brother in my house. when i was 5 my mom had a child with cystic fibrosis and he died when i was 10 when i was 11 she had another child who was born with the same diease and died when i was 23. so i know what the little guy is going thru. unfortunately, my parents were so traumitized as you can understand that i was left to fend for myself emotionally. there was no therapy in those days.......i lived with the fear of where did they go??? when they died. it left serious issues of abandonment etc but i think it was because no one talked to me about the death thing. all i wanted to know was that they were ok...and that i would be too when i died....this is where your faith comes in....if you are christian let him know what you believe....also that what he is feeling is perfectly normal and natural....but that that there is a loving god that we all go home to....allow him to grieve and that is natural too.....he will be ok....death is a natural part of living ....we all do it and it is ok....just don't clam up because it is uncomfortable to talk about or see him in pain and fear.....pain and fear are ok if faith is born as a result......just my thought.....and tell him to talk to them...it will make him feel better.....been there done that....it hurts....but loving arms to hold him when he does will ease the pain and fear....janie

When a good friend of mine lost her son, my daughter was very young. She had a hard time understanding things as well. We sat her down and told her that we all have a certain amount of time here on earth before we are called back to Heaven. We don't know what our schedule is but we are to live while we have the chance. When it is time to go back home to heaven, those we leave here will be sad for a time, but then we will be able to remember them with smiles. We told her that some need to leave to allow the babies room to come down to earth and have a chance to live. It is our belief that though those who go to heaven is not with us in body, they are with us in spirit and will look out for us while doing the tasks that they are assigned. She was worried about us leaving her as well and we told her that we do not know God's plan for us, but he will take care of those left behind to continue to live. She feels better, and has gotten to the point of being able to tell those that are sick now that if they have to leave us now, she will see them later in heaven.

Explain to him that these people had a terrible illness, and that you do NOT have a terrible illness, so he will be with you a very long time. Also, explain that God who is merciful and loves mankind very much and the angels help us to find each other in heaven, so we don't need to know the address.

I can understand that this scared him considerably. Some people who have these types of experiences become saints when they become older, because they have understanding of things that others don't. Difficult circumstances have a way of teaching us things that can't be learned any other way. Encourage him in seeking God, praying, and finding peace through prayer, meditation upon God.

God bless your little one with peace. Your grandson obviously loves you a lot. This love is obviously well-deserved.

My daughter exprienced the loss of a loved one, when her half brother died in 2004 (my ex-husband's child fr 2nd marriage). I knew that I could tell her that her half brother was in heaven and that she would see him again someday, but I also knew there were going to be issues and questions I could not answer or handle myself. What I found was a bereavement and grief support group for children through Everett Providence Hospital, it is a free group that meets on the First Saturday of every month Oct thru May at the First Presbyterian Church in Everett on Wetmore Ave. This support group is part of many programs sponsored by the Moyer Foundation. I don't know if this is anywhere close to were you live, but if not get in contact with your local hospitals Bereavement Dept. If you are close to Everett Providence Hospital there number is ###-###-####, they would be happy to help you or can refer you to a group or non-profit counseler to help with your grandsons question or your questions. I hope this helps with your question, I know it has helped me and my daughter immensely. Being able to go to Camp Erin every year and know she is not alone in grieving and that other children her age are going through the same things has helped her be a much happier child who doesn't dwell on death anymore.
I hope some or any of this help you or eases you mind some. Good luck and god bless

My children have also experienced a great deal of death over the past fifteen years. We had a prayer chain and did the "God Bless ....." everynight and 90% of those people are now dead. They never stopped praying and didn't seem discouraged when these people died. We just talked about it and how amazing heaven is and that people like Grandma would always watch out for them and never miss any of their important events because they have special powers and God lets them watch from heaven.

They did worry about us dying but we finally chose the right guardians and they knew that as awful as losing us might be they would be with people who loved them. These people are still very much apart of all our lives.

C.

hi J., that's a tough one. i often feel like honesty and openness are best, but lately i've been wanting to preserve my son's innocence more. the world is so messed up already, why would i want to cause him extra stress at this young age? in your situation, i guess it can't be avoided. i think if i were in your situation, i might remind him that you are not sick, and his mother is young, but maybe you've already explained that. i lost my father when i was 16 and i still fear losing people i love. i is hard to believe that your family will be around when you experience something like that. perhaps talking with a child psychologist would be best. i'm sure they'd have some good ideas.

best of luck,
J.

Wow. Through the ringer and still there... Three years ago, we (us and all our kids) suffered a very tragic loss of our favorite Grandpa. I was given books and books about how to help our kids through it. One was "Your Grieving Child" by Bill Dodds. It helped as a platform to help explore some questions and answers that I knew were running all around our kids heads. Hope this helps. It's a Catholic faith based book; but would certainly also be useful to you if there are Christian roots. Hope this helps.

We lived with my in-laws when my father in law was passing away due to colon cancer. My children were both still too young 1 & 2 years old to understand, but since he passed away. I have talked with them many times about him. I explained he was too sick for the doctors to fix him and that he lives in heaven with Jesus. I know how much that helped. The talk with my mother in law about him everytime they see her and they are now 5 & 6. We visit his grave whenever we are there and my oldest the 6 year old even draws grandpa pictures and takes him things. I guess in a way we go on like he is still among us we just can't see him and at 6 my daughter understands he loved her very much but he was sick and died. Children really are very strong understanding people. I am amazed everyday by them. I hope this helps.

I would seek professional help from a counselor on this one.

Dear J.,
As an adult you would think that death and dying was a part of my life that I could deal with. To this day, I still can't. When my first child was two months old, my mother-in-law died of ovarian cancer. It was awful. We found out in July and by October she was gone. After 7 years, thoughts of her still bring tears to my eyes. She was such a bright happy light in my life and I still feel cheated by God for taking her away. Since then, I have learned that it's okay to grieve for years and years. That is normal. In some countries it is normal to grieve for over 50 years. It is part of their culture. In 2006 I was hospitalized and feared that I would die and leave my two sons without a mom. I recovered and am now doing exceptionally well. I was sent an e-mail from a friend a few months ago about a fork and going to heaven. The jist of the e-mail was that going to heaven was like having dinner, when the table is cleared, you always keep your fork because you know that something better is coming up. (Dessert) I try to celebrate death knowing that heaven is the something better coming up. I still cry from time to time, but I realize that it's just a part of life and grieving is my right. If you or anyone reading this would like me to send you the e-mail, contact me back. Many blessings for your grandson.
A.

If you are a christian and/or believe in Heaven, there is a wonderful children's book called "What is Heaven" by Maria Shriver. It explains death and Heaven, etc. in a very simple and storytale way on a child's level. My daughter found it very helpful when her grandfather passed away (she was 3 at the time). I highly recommend it to people with small children dealing with these issues.

I have had to have this chat with my kids and I had to make it very clear that when you die you are asleep in the grave until Jesus comes back. If we went straight to heaven or hell then why would Jesus ever have to come back? And if you are not making it to Heaven ~ then to reappear chared from years in hell. What about Lazareth - to have been dead for days or weeks. He was upright with God. So if your belief stands true then he would have been pulled back out of Heaven to endure this earth. Not a funny practical joke! My 8 yr old was creeped out that one of her family members might be looking down from heaven watching the good and bad. People have many different beliefs about Heaven, Hell and Death ~ My advice is to figure out what is really the truth and what you are willing to state as a true fact. What you do and say to your grandson will forever make a difference to how he views the character of God.