17 answers

Drama with Daddy over Day Care

I am absolutely livid.

I recently took DD out of day care because the center was no longer a good fit. There was only one toddler left and an absentee owner. Plus, I haven't been working and want to spend time with her, not to mention save money!

I finally settled into a great routine and am meeting some local moms. Mind you, I live in a rural area and it's very hard to meet people, even harder when I was working.

Unfortunately, I will have to go back to work. I and am looking far and wide, but in the meantime I am enjoying my time "temping" as a SAHM.

The issue is my DH. He wants me to put DD back in another day care, two days a week.

He says that she needs to be around other kids and needs a structured environment.

I claim that she is in a great environment with me and sees other kids via occasional park play dates and mom's meetups. "McDonald's Playland where moms chat is not a structured environment." I went ballistic. I told him that it's a win-win because I'm meeting other people, my biggest gripe with where we live, and my daughter is with other kids her age and playing. We're not rolling in money and I believe we should save it while I am home.

This seems so logical to me so I had to ask him if he doesn't trust DD in my care. He assured me that's not the case but wants what's best for her in terms of socialization. I"m just not buying this and refuse to budge. Thoughts?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

I forgot to mention that my inlaws take her one to two days a week so that is even less time I would have with her! On those days, I interview, should one come my way! I guess the issue is I know my situation is temporary so I want to enjoy it while I can. I just was hoping my hubby would understand that. But instead, we will agree to disagree. Thanks for listening.

More Answers

It seems to me there are some other underlying and larger issues going on between you and your husband. If my husband ever came to me and said "hey, why don't we look into putting little Sally into day care just a couple days a week so she can be around other kids" I would not "go ballistic" as you say you did. (not saying I wouldn't take your stance, just that it wouldn't make me so angry). It seems you are both frustrated with each other beyond what this post indicates.

I think what your husband is getting at is that your daughter benefits greatly from being around other kids WITHOUT mommy around and having to be told what to do by someone else OTHER THAN mommy. I don't think this is a bad thing at all.

But, I also think you keeping her home with you and doing what you have been doing is PERFECTLY FINE AND HEALTHY also.

Why would you refuse to budge? Does he? Why can't you two talk calmy about this and come to a compromise? It seems like such a simple discussion.

There is no right or wrong answer here - the problem is the lack of ability to communicate or compromise between you and your husband. I would think he should give you some deference as mom and child-rearer, but at the same time, don't get so angry with him. Realize he is only trying to do what he thinks is best for your daughter, even though he "may" be a little off in his approach.

The point is, this shouldn't be a heated discussion. Save those for when she wants to date.

7 moms found this helpful

How old is your daughter? If she is under 4, I agree with you. I think a lot of older non-school age children (3 or 4 year olds) can benefit from preschool/daycare for socialization and school preparedness but I think younger children are fine without it. Good luck.

Afterthought: Is it possible your husband doesn't want you or your daughter to get used to the idea of staying home? Maybe he thinks if she doesn't remain in daycare she will fight when it is time for her to return full time. Is it possible that your husband thinks you might say, I want to be a SAHP and financially that isn't what your husband wants?

4 moms found this helpful

If I remember--your daughter is not quite 2.
She has PLENTY of time for a "structured environment" in the coming years.
Enjoy her and enjoy your temp assignment!
And as for the "structured environment" argument from your husband--LIFE is not a completely structured environment!
Seriously, at 2, playing is her job.

4 moms found this helpful

You've written about this before. Honestly, I kind of feel like you're beating a dead horse. Are you really looking for a job? What does "looking far and wide" really mean? Are you going out on interviews? How do you do that with no childcare? If you are, great, and yes, it may take you a long time to find one. I hope you can afford to be unemployed. It's hard for lots of people these days. It seems that you are so happy being at home with your child that it's a vacation for you. And that's okay too. However, your husband probably really wants something set up for you to go to work, in addition to your child having lots of structure, and he probably wants you to have time to go interview. Hopefully there's somewhere you can drop her off so that you can go looking for a job.

Since you don't want to budge, it's not like you're going to pay attention to anyone who disagrees with you here on this site. This is between you and your husband. He hasn't asked you to put her in daycare all week at this point, yet the little bit of daycare she had was not acceptable to you. I'm sure that her current place was not a good fit if there was only one child left there, but I wonder if any excuse would do since you don't want to compromise.

You'll just have to accept that he's not happy with the current situation of your being unemployed and your not wanting to let go of your daughter. You can go ballistic all you want, but what we say here is not going to help you with your husband if you aren't willing to consider how he feels about this...


4 moms found this helpful

I would find some articles on-line to support your stance (you'll find many). There is no need for a 2-year-old to be in a structured environment. Let him know that you hear his concerns and did some research and what you have read reassures you that for now, this is the right arrangement and that later when you're back at work, she'll transition back into daycare just fine. And share that info with him. A guy who is concerned about socializing a 2-year-old sounds like someone who is aware of child development and open to expert opinion. So show him that while he's correct that structure and socialization are important, that they are not critical at this particular stage and when she's old enough to really benefit from those, you will most likely be working so she'll be in daycare anyway.

3 moms found this helpful

It is a good idea to have her in a mother's day out or preschool. She needs it. And so do you!

2 moms found this helpful

It will definately be a good transitional tool to take baby a few days a wk. Then when you go to full time it wont be such a completely new situation. She will already have a relationship and routine built up with the caregivers

I think, as moms, we tend to think we are the expert and only valid voice, when it comes to our kids. Dads should have a say as well. If it's importnat to you, even when he disagrees, most of the time dad gives in and deferes to your judgement. WHy not give him the same respect as a father? It's important to him and he has backed up his request with logic and reasoning. Why not just defer to his judgement on this one?

2 moms found this helpful

The problem I see right off the bat is that you're viewing this as an attack on your parenting and decision-making skills. Your husband isn't critiquing your parenting of your daughter. He didn't even insinuate that he doesn't trust you with your daughter.

What he's not saying, and probably should be, is that he saw your daughter benefit from being in preschool/daycare. He saw her enjoying it. He saw the structure of it in a good way. He wants her to have those benefits again which, frankly, can't be provided in the same way as random play dates in a park. That doesn't mean he's saying you're not doing a good job.

It's also possible that he sees you getting cozy as a SAHM and thinks that maybe if you have more time where you're not watching your daughter, you'll have more time to look for a job. He's hoping the situation will be short term and you going back to work will be one less transition for your family to go through if your daughter gets used to a new preschool sooner rather than later. One less stress to worry about.

I'm just trying to think like a guy here.

2 moms found this helpful

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