If your husband or significant other walked out today with plans to dissolve the relationship, how would you manage financially? What level of financial independence do you have in the relationship? Do you earn money? Do you have your own money or credit cards in just your name? I'm not referring to secret accounts, just "your" money? We all hear about women in relationships where they are stay at home moms, not earning an income and the relationship dissolves. She's screwed because she has nothing to fall back on financially. Gullible? No. Just not prepared. I have always believed in financial independence as a safety net for the unexpected.
I had a friend who left a good paying job to be a SAHM for a short time. She was not earning any income with hubby paying all the bills. This worked for a short time. Their marriage went bad quite suddenly and he left. He stopped paying everything (rent, utilities, her car got repossessed, etc) and took what little money was in their account out. He felt like, he earned it, so technically it's his if He wanted to take it out. It was awful.
She had enough money to buy groceries for a while and no credit cards as a back up. At one point she couldn't buy toiletries. It was awful. However, she was able to go back to work after a short time and start earning an income. Just watching her go through this enforced my belief that women have to have some financial independence. I am not a stay at home mom and have never wanted to pursue that route. I work and earn a good money. Besides our joint matters, I have my own accounts, credit card, car in my own name. I always have. This gives me a sense of financial independence and my husband knows this. I feel sorry when I hear about
moms who have no resources to fall back on. How does this happen? We most often hear about SAHM's and how they were left without any money and a house full of kids, the long divorce, etc. but it can happen to anyone.
I like the idea of having my own money and this does not impact my relationship with my husband. iIt's not a secret it's security. I believe in marriage, but sometimes things don't work out. What does financial independence look like to you?
I enjoyed reading the feedback from everyone. Having financial independence does not mean or imply that you think your spouse will leave or that you planning for when he leaves. I hope no one views marriage that way because what would be the point of getting married. Financial independence is just that "self reliance." Some women have it, some don't, some don't want/need it and some have no idea what it looks like. It's not about you trusting your husband, how wonderful he is, knowing where every cent goes or how everything is "ours." I have always been told that you should never expect a man to take care of you. It is just food for thought.
The choice to be a stay at home mom, for me, is a parental choice. In a few years I'll be done with school and have a job. But for now my job is at home raising my children. If my husband left me, or I left him, then I would get a job. To me, it is that simple. And I don't allow 'what if's to rule my life.
I am in a good situation, but not because I fear my husband will leave. I have an education and did work before having children. I have an investment acct just for me and credit cards. I don't have any secret accounts. I am on the house and both vehicles. I could get a job tomorrow, if I had to. I also have an incredible support system with my family and his!
It is far more complicated than I think people realize. I see couples where neither has any education, not a good job, so when they have kids the woman has no choice but to stay home. Daycare cost more than their salary. So how does someone get financial security in that situation. They are already living paycheck to paycheck?
You can't look at someone in that situation and say do you have a financial security plan.
In my case I could have had a job that makes slightly more than daycare but when my ex made six figures that was pointless. I never kept separate accounts but I am smart, I knew when I left him to tell my attorney where the assets were and they were frozen. I was a stay at home for 18 years by his choice as well as mine. Because of that the court awarded me spousal support for the time it took me to earn my degree.
I am now remarried and I have the ability to support my household on my own, my husband's job is gravy. Not because I am afraid this marriage will fail but because by design it is safer. If I lose my job it has no financial impact beyond savings, same with his. It is also the place I was at when I met him.
Thing is I don't consider my current marriage, from a financial standpoint, to be any better or worse than my last marriage, it is just different.
My husband and I dont have our 'own' money. ITs OUR money. Thats just how our marriage is. Its a true partnership. I have never once even felt a bit bad spending any of 'our' money on anything at all. That being said I hvae several inheritances that I came into the marriage with that would be divided evenly if anything should happen to us that would leave us both in a good position-right now they are only for retirement. I am also confident that I could begin working tomorrow in my old industry by calling in some favors and make excellent money. I choose not to work because no amount of extras would make it worth the mental hassle to me.
My husband and I met when we were both active duty military. He is older then me and had joined before me. When he retired in 1999 he wanted me to get out, at that point I had been in 11 years. I stayed in to ensure my own retirement until 2007. We have each taken turns being the stay at home parent. If something happens to either of us we each have our own retirements and medical benefits from serving.
Financial independence to ME? It means being aware of my assets, debts, etc. and managing them WISELY. It means NOT being dependent upon someone else to manage them for me.
IF my husband left me today (wait!!! he just did!! he just took my van and headed off to West Virginia for a Boy Scout camping trip!! (smiles) - I would be fine. Would he? I doubt it. he's got it good. And says so quiet often. I have a paying job. I have my car. No debt. No credit cards. We have an AMEX - but as you know - it must be paid off monthly - so I don't count that as a "credit card" and I don't use it.
When I left my ex-husband - he was caught off guard - he kept thinking I would keep buying his lies and such...but alas...he had to grow up fast...
If your friend was out of the job market for a short time - she should have pulled her thinking cap on and got her butt in gear - sorry - to find a job. Yes, the market is not really good right now...hasn't been for 4 to 5 years...but there are jobs out there...if it meant keeping my head above water - I would flip burgers at McDonald's.
I have my own checking, savings, IRA and investments. Not because of my past - but that's how we set it up. He has his own as well. we have things mixed too.
I had my own credit card in my name, not just a card with my name on it from my husband's account. That and my own IRA from when I worked.
When my ex and I separated, the first thing I did was open an individual checking and savings account, deposit some money in it for immediate expenses and put a hold on our joint account, which my ex had already drained a good portion of.
Having my own credit card for many years was the best thing I could have done. It allowed me to build my own credit history which was better than my ex's and I got to keep my own credit score when we split.
I agree with you.
But sometimes the career evaporates.
After 27 years in the computer industry I got my 8 weeks notice last week.
I so loved my job!
I got to work from home the last 8 years for a 30 hr per week work week.
My career is pretty much over - tech jobs are being off-shored and people with my degree in their 50's (like me) can't get work in their profession even if they update their skills.
My husband makes good money - we won't lose our house.
But we do have to pay off the house and save for our son's college and save for retirement.
I wanted to work till 65 - 14 more years.
And now I've got to start all over again.
I'll never again make the money I'm making now.
I am so panic'd it's not even funny.
I could maybe do an associate degree - but it has to be in something I can get work in - and minimum wage is not enough to help out my husband with our expenses.
Sure there are people who have it worse off than we do.
But I don''t know what to do next.
I have 8 weeks of pay left, then maybe some unemployment.
I SO could use a winning lottery ticket right now.
I've heard this argument many times before and I don't buy it. We only have OUR money.
My resources are half of our assets. I also am an educated self-started, and hubby has promised he would never not take care of the kids and I. I trust him and our relationship. If I didn't, we wouldn't be married.
I'm the one with stellar credit, so I would probably set myself up with everything I need before our divorce is official. My ex-SIL did this.
Also, I'm in charge of all of our money, and I spend it as I wish. In my eyes I have complete financial independence.
financial independence to me is a little different. i would not ever "plan" for my husband to be gone - except for life insurance :)
(i have to say, as a disclaimer - this is easy for me to say and makes me look all smug and superior about my marriage - but the truth is, we have been through hell - and many times i actually WISHED he would leave - he wouldn't! i can't shake him. lol. i know that in the very deepest part of my soul. so there ya go. good thing he's cute!)
we are working on our financial security together - i work full time and always have (can't imagine any other way honestly. since we couldn't do it without my paycheck). i also have a stellar support system, and i know that if worse came to worst, my family would help me. so that's my outlook. :)
We do not have separate accounts. I do bring in some money, from working at home. It's nowhere near what my husband brings in. My husband is AWFUL with finances, so I've had control of them from day one. He wouldn't even know where all our assets are. (I do have everything written, if something were to happen to me. The point is, he couldn't just leave suddenly.) I know where all the money is and where it goes. He really has almost no idea. I'm pretty confident he couldn't do something under my nose.I could also take on more work from my part time job. It pays incredibly well. I only take on as much as I want, because we just want some fun, blow it on whatever money. There is enough work there, for me to do this full-time. I just don't want to. I do have education and experience in other fields. I could easily find a job, I've kept relationships and contacts. (I frequently have offers from former colleagues, but I like staying at home.)
Honestly, I don't even think about it until someone mentions it. I'm smart and resourceful enough to always be able to survive on my own. That really has nothing to do with my marriage, though. I'd rather not spend my days wondering if he could ever leave me someday. I believe the answer to be no. wacky things can and do happen. I would be fine if they did, but I don't spend time worrying or questioning.
I guess financial independence (to me,) is knowing someone couldn't bury me. I have that now. I always have, my marriage doesn't change that. I don't buy into this "mine, his" stuff.
I agree completely with Bug's answer; she and I are pretty much in the same boat and on the same page.
My husband works out of the house full-time, I have my own freelance editorial business/am a SAHM. Don't make a lot, mostly fun spending money, but always with the option to take on more work. I have my own retirement account through Thrivent, my own life insurance, my own credit card, credit cards in my name secondary on his account(s) (which still show up on my checking account status), my car is in my own name, my own business account at the bank, I have a 4-year college degree, and am currently looking into taking classes in a new area that I'm thinking of going into (holistic health) so that I can open a business (my daughter is in the 7th grade now, so I can start thinking of other business opportunities). We have instant access to cash through extra money stored in our checking account as well as our savings account. I'm not sure about your bank, but our bank makes it almost impossible to either deposit or take out huge sums of money without the other person on the account being notified or having to sign for the transaction to be completed (this can get so frustrating at times when trying to deposit large deposits in my husband's name; I have to also sign the back of the check).
My husband and I otherwise have everything joint. I do the checkbook and pay the bills; I know where our money is going. I don't ever anticipate that something would go wrong between the two of us, like divorce, but if it did, I would expect and pursue alimony and child support (and my husband would not quibble on those), and I have kept my skills up so that I don't have any doubts I'd be able to get a full-time job to support myself/my daughter (ditto if my husband were to unexpectedly die).
I try to concentrate on good thoughts and not what-ifs. I don't want to bring in bad vibes and add them to the mixture/stir up the pot, when it doesn't need stirring. I have never felt as if I couldn't take care of myself.
I didn't even think about having kids until we had both had an education, were established in our careers and paid for our home. I have been a SAHM for the past ten years, but I have also worked part time and I handle all of the family finances. We do have our own bank accounts, but we mainly pool our resources into a joint account. If I had to get a job I would be in a position to do so, but I am also pretty confident that if my marriage were to dissolve we would be able to work out the finances in the best interest of the kids. If worst came to worst I would be able to use my retirement savings to bridge any gap.
I'm right there right now but I didn't do enough. I kept my part time job, I have my own bank account and one credit card under my name. I pay for all household and fun accounts and he pays for the basic living needs and savings into retirement. My regret is that I did not have my own strong savings and share the cost of daily life more (especially expensive when kids were first born). We talked about me quitting my job to be full time SAHM but that just irked me. But with all I did, it wasn't enough. I honestly think every couple should have a prenup... a deal they are willing to agree upon if the marriage should ever dissolve. Do this while you love each other because splitting things up afterwards just doesn't work. Discuss how you would take care of the kids and keep it semi open to later interpretation.
I agree with you 100%. I work and if I had to I could financially support myself and children on my own. I have girls and I have ALWAYS made sure that they know how important it is to be self sufficient. It really is the one thing as a parent I am most proud of.
I agree, the financial aspect is sometimes O. of the first ways women lose power.
I know someone in this exact situation. Husband isn't leaving but she feels trapped and powerless.
That said, I can look back over the last 20 tears and see that she to some degree did this to herself--worked very little at no/low skill jobs, didn't further any skills/education, etc. but at the end of the day, she is where she is--and it ain't pretty. Wouldn't want to be there.
It's great to know you COULD make it on you own if you have to.
And you're right--it COULD happen to ANYONE and any young wife that thinks it couldn't be her--remember--the other women thought that way too at O. time. It's not the kind of thing you "pencil in" down the road! And often we have NO idea of the trials that lie ahead of us!
I hope you friend sued for divorce and support. Just because he works for money and she works for free does not mean she is not entitled to her share. We have joint accounts for everything.
Well, I work. I've always worked. I've never been completely dependent on a man for my support. We own a home together, if we split up, half of the profit of the sale of the home would be mine. Separate bank accounts does NOT make it "your" money. We've always maintained our own bank accounts, and I have never had a joint credit card with my husband ( can't imagine why anyone would need or want that ). If the money in your bank account was made during the course of the marriage, it is still considered a marital asset, and those assets can be frozen and split at the time of settlement. Financial security is having a job and a salary.
