Do I Tell Her She May Have a Brother?

so who does she think Jeff is? What do lee's kids think jeff is?

Time for them to either say what they are, whether its the really true or get dna done to be positive.

Give it few days, talk to husband more She has a right to know about her whole family. Will be worse later and all the time lost not only for her but the possible grandchildren as well.

Tell her. Why is it such a secret anyway? My daughter has 3 1/2 siblings and has known about them her whole life and just met them in December at the age of 7. If Lee & Jeff like things they way they are and Jeff is listed as the father then he is. She ahs a right to know. Just tell her that is her brother and leave it at that. as she gets older and you think she should know the whole story then tell her.

Good luck

i would get court order for paternity test and get to bottom

H.,
Time for your husband to "man-up" and find out if this child is his. he is not doing himself, you, his possible son or your daughter any favors by leaving this chapter in his book of life a mystery. I hope I don't sound judgmental, but these are REAL issues for REAL adults. He needs to let Lee know that even if he isn't his biological dad, that he will stay in his life as long as Lee wants him to.
IMO there are too many people in the world that take family relationships, or lack of, too lightly and the problems don't just affect themselves, as you can see, your daughter now doesn't even know if she has a half brother.
He needs to get a paternity test. Then you and your husband will be able to sit down with your daughter and tell her the facts.

Tell her. I think the longer you wait the more of a secret it is going to seem like. Be casual about telling her. The more of a big deal you make it out to be the more of a big deal it will be for her.
I have two siblings who are adopted. We never had that "Wow- they are not blood related!" moment because we were told their story from the time we were infants. It always was natural and wonderful because it never was kept a secret. Tell her the situation. You don't need to go into the fact that he may or may not be the blood son. What difference does it make? Your husband views him as his son and his son views him as this father. Does having the same blood line really make you a dad? I was not adopted and my siblings were-it made no difference in my family. Why should it in yours? Accept Lee for his son and stop worrying about whether he is blood related. Be happy that your daughter will have another person in her life to love her and to be involved in her life.
You can make this sticky situation what you want it to be. A dirty secret or a wonderful addition to your family. It's up to you.

Tell her the truth if it ever comes up. Lee is her father's ex-wife's son. You KNOW that. You don't know if he's her half-brother or not, and neither does anyone else. I would respect my husband's wishes. There are lots of families that have "add-ons" who participate as family when they are totally unrelated. In our family, for instance, we have "Noni" who is a "grandparent" to my children. She is absolutely no relation to my younger two girls, but she was once my older girls' step-grandmother. I divorced their father and she ended up divorcing their grandfather, so she's not relation to them either. But she's OUR Noni and we all love her - even my husband who wasn't initially so sure he wanted to welcome former relatives of mine into the family system.

I think you need to have a heart to heart with Lee's wife. She may feel insecure with her own place in the family system. Just because Lee is comfortable with his relationship with Jeff, and probably you and your daughter, doesn't mean that she is comfortable in her role as in-law/non-law. She is also young and idealistic and assumes it would be better to have "full disclosure".

If you ever get the chance to discuss the situation with Lee's wife, why don't you turn it around and ask her if she is uncomfortable with the relationship as it stands with Jeff and Lee? The best way to do that is to ask her something like, "What is it about Lee's relationship to Jeff and us that you aren't comfortable with?" It's not a yes/no answer, and if you are a caring (I assume you are to have semi-adopted Lee as a quasi-step-son) you may be able to help her to share her own feelings about the situation. Who knows? She may just think it's "kind of wierd" and it may have no emotional issues at all loaded in. You can then agree with her, that it IS kind of different, but it's been this way for 25 years, and everyone involved has gotten used to it. You aren't trying to hide anything, everyone in the system is just living their lives the way they have been and it's never been an issue. Would it make a difference to her if she knew or didn't know that Lee was Jeff's son or not? Maybe put in those words, she would think it through and realize that knowing "the truth" isn't going to change Jeff or Lee's relationship, and if they are happy with it the way it is, it is the responsibility of the wives involved to also accept it and enjoy life as it comes.

I don't think your situation is on the caliber of a "BIG FAMILY SECRET". It's not dangerous, it's not going to hurt anyone. It's not as if there's been an affair going on during your marriage, and that your husband has a "secret family" somewhere that no one knows about. Whether Lee is your step-son or is just your husband's ex-wife's son doesn't really matter to the emotional bonds you guys have built over the years. Regardless of whose name is on the birth certificate, I think it's wonderful that your husband has enough love in his heart not to argue over "the details" of Lee's paternity. Whatever it is or isn't, is not Lee's fault, and your husband is a gem among men to simply love the baby, the boy and now the adult Lee has become. If you focus on those issues, especially if/when the question comes out of your daughter's mouth, then she will shrug it off, smile and say, "yup! That's MY dad !!" and be very proud of him.

Frankly I think it would be easier to find out the truth when your daughter is older, than at 10, when she is caught between childhood and the conset of her own hormonal changes$. I also think it would be easiest to address the question if it ever comes up from YOUR daughter. When/if it ever does, what diffuses it is your own attitude. If you are comfortable with the situation and relatinships, and you share the information within the framework of "normalcy" rather than as a crisis, she'll be absolutely fine with it.

The other option, Finding a way to "announce" it, or forcing a "BIG discussion" to share the information out of the blue blows the whole thing out of proportion. I would let it go for now, and if your daughter ever asks, tell her the truth -- that your husband doesn't know if he was the father or not, but he is a loving person and he helped to father Lee whether he was his son or not. It sounds as if he's a wonderful and loving man, and you are blessed to have enjoyed the last 25 years with him !!

Honesty seems to always be the best policy. You are right... if you don't tell her, she'll probably find out from someone else. She's old enough to understand, and may be perfectly fine with the news. I don't fully know the situation, but knowing you have a possible relative, especially a sibling, is pretty important, I would think. I guess it depends upon your husband's relationship with Lee (or desire to have a better relationship), and whether or not you want to create a sibling bond, or just tell her so she knows. Either way, I think it might be better to tell her the truth as best you can. I hope that helps.

I think your daughter is old enough to handle the truth. You and your husband have not done anything wrong. You can explain to her that you waited until she was old enough to understand the information. Best of luck.

You are correct in thinking that she will eventually find out, and also in that you should be the first to tell her. But, I would only tell her and open up this whole mess IF he is the father - I think now is the time for the paternity test. Your husband is probably the closest thing to a father this "son" ever had - let them both know he will always be the father in terms of support and caring no matter what the test shows.

I've never heard of a situation when family secrets were a good thing. She's old enough to understand now, and if you tell her later, she's going to wonder why you kept it from her so long, and what else might you be hiding.

If you tell her she will have questions, and if you don't you are worried she will be mad. I can understand why you don't want to tell her about this woman fooling around. I wouldn't tell your daughter unless you knew for sure. This oher kid is an adult right? I would talk to her when she is older about it.

I agree with the other posters that your hubby should find out for sure and put the question to rest.

biology doesnt make a "father" - that being said what is your familys relationship with Lee? is it something that you continue to grow? what does your daughter think that relationship is? reason being this - at this point does it really matter what comes up on the dna test? it should be more important what is in everyne's hearts - so what? if the dna test proves that Lee is NOT your husbands child is he going to walk away? probably not or he would have ordered the test and done that a LONG time ago-

you and your hubby have to decide amongst yourselves "how" and "what" you are going to decide to pursue as a relationship with Lee and his family before you can even think abotu talking to your daughter about it - make sense? if you are going to treat them like children/grandchildren - (and IMO why not? its obvious that you both care abotu them and have a relationship with them) then it shouldnt matter what a dna test shows or doesn't show - just say "Lee is your brother from before you were born - but if youaren't comfortable being an aunt - then you can have cousins or just good friends" - she will let you know what she is/isnt comfortable with - but i would STRONGLY recommend talking to her about it - if she finds out that you kept this from her she may question other things or may stop being honest with you -
hope this helps!!
S. w.

until you know for sure who his father is, he's "family" or "like family". no need to confuse her if stuff changes.

i knew when i was 11 that my dad had a secret affair with a married woman and that they had a child together. and i understood. even though the husband's name was on the birth certificate etc.

so it's not that she couldn't handle it. it's that you don't know for sure yet either.

and then... you know your daughter and what she needs to know.

It is definitely in her best interest to find out from her parents and sooner rather than later. I just went through a similar situation with my daughter. Sparing you the details, a therapist told me to tell her as soon as possible. You don't have to get into specifics, keep it age-appropriate. But she needs to know that he may be her brother. And if you keep it from her, she may feel angry or resentful that she wasn't told sooner. I know how hard it is to be in this situation. In our case, it worked out beautifully and my daughter was very open to what we had to share with her. Good luck, and I hope you all get on the same page soon!

H., Innocent until proven otherwise, right? If Jeff is named the father on the birth certificate then he is until proven otherwise. She knows her brother Lee but does not know he is her brother???? This should have been addressed years ago. She may have an unpleasant reaction to learning the news but it would probably be worse the older she gets. I wouldn't even address the idea of Jeff not being Lee's father. But eventually she may hear it thru the grapevine. . .and be prepared to address it in the future if she asks about it.

That is a lot to digest for a 10 year old... My advice is talk to Lee's wife. Explain to her that when she is older, better able to understand the situation and showing a curiosity, then you will speak with her. However, since the paternity is in question, you don't want her to go through the situation of it being a maybe. If your husband and Lee were to undergo a paternity test to determine the exact nature of their relationship and it turned out Lee was her brother, then you would be happy to speak to her about it sooner. However, while there is ambiguity there, you do not want to put your daughter in the middle of it. Tell her that you would appreciate her respecting your wishes and not bringing this up in front of your daughter. For the reasons you put forward but also so that when the timing is right, you and your husband can be the ones to discuss it with her and help her navigate through the emotional responses that this news is sure to bring with it.

Anyhow, that is just my advice. I hope it helps but please follow your heart in the matter. You know all of the parties involved better than I do and know if this is something that might or might not work for you. Good luck with this situation.

i think the problem starts with everyone thinking your husband "may" be the father.

if his name is on the birth certificate, and lee and your husband like things the way they are (no paternity test) then for all intents and purposes, your husband IS lee's father. thus your daughter has a half-brother.

how cool is that to learn you have a half-brother! especially now and not 10 years from now - which would probably call for an uncertain amount of therapy on your daughter's end, both for the brother thing and the mother-lied-to-me thing.

good luck

My family went through something somewhat similar when I was younger. My brothers have a different bio father than my sister and I. None of us knew it because my father adopted them when they were young, before my sister and I were born. When I was about 10, my aunt spilled the beans when I was there for a visit. It started a big mess. My mom was mad at her sister, my brothers were mad at my mom, and my sister and I were just confused.

I do agree that you should address the situation with your daughter somehow. Your husband just needs to get over his anxiety about it. Sooner or later it WILL come out. It should definately be coming from her parents. If Lee's wife wants her to know, she is like a ticking time bomb. She may be the one to blow the whistle on it.

I would stay on your husband on the issue. Your daughter may be very angry if her daddy lied to his little girl. It would be better for her to hear it from him, along with his reasons for not telling her. If they don't plan on doing a DNA test, you may as well say that he is the father.

Good luck!!

There is nothing to tell her since no one will get the test. It's none of Lee's wife's business who MIGHT be related. Tell her your daughter is too young to bother with this, but if they get a test, and he's definitely her brother, you'll think about telling her when she's older.

This is a pickle. My first question is why is Lee's wife bugging you about this? Does she want her kids to know their "aunt"? It sounds like the relationships aren't very close, so I would definitely ask why. If it's really important to her and to Lee, then I would encourage your husband and Lee to get tested to know once and for all. With the uncertainty gone, maybe the relationships can move forward in one direction or another. Good luck.

H.,

Number one, you can't go against your husband's wishes. If I were you I would wait about a week, while praying about it, and gently bring it up again and let him know how concerned you are. I agree with you tho, I think she should know the situation just in case.

M.

I agree with some of the responses posted and your opinion that it's better to hear the information from you than someone else and now rather than later in life. However, you're right that it gets difficult with your husband and Lee not really knowing (nor wanting to know) if they really are father and son. Is there some way to explain that your daughter and Lee are related?
Completely different situation, but my grandmother re-married when I was around 10 and all of a sudden I had 3 aunts, 2 uncles, and 7 cousins (my blood related uncle has no children and has never married) all by marriage. Although we're not "technically" related in that you can't trace us through a blood line, they are my family and my mom considers my uncles and 1 aunt her brothers and sister.
Good luck. I hope the advice you're getting helps you make a decision.

Dear H.,
Having briefly skimmed most of the posts I saw one major thing lacking ~ communication. Your hubby says no, his ex says yes, you're left in the middle with a LOT of uncertainty. It's time for the adults to have a sit-down & hash this out like grown-ups. Since Jeff & Lee are fine with the situation as it is, then Jeff IS Lee's father, unless someone can prove otherwise! (good luck!) My husband has never had a paternity test with regards to my step-son. He had the opportunity when he was taken to court for child support & by then the boy was 10. He figured that even if he wasn't, no good would come from knowing the truth, since the other "possible" dads had never been in the kid's life.
All of that being said, once the adults converse, then it's time to bring in the kids ~ BOTH of them. Help your daughter to understand that this does not diminish her standing with your husband, nor does it make his son any less important, either. As for the ex-wife, she's NOT an aunt, unless you choose to allow that term. My children never identified my step-son's mother with a title. However, they are still relatively small, and my step-son is now nearly 19 & we don't see him very often, let alone see his mom.
If you attend a church regularly, it wouldn't hurt to perhaps ask to meet with the pastor or some other adult who may be able to help "mediate" the adults' conversation. Good luck with the whole situation. I'll be praying for all of you! :)

I hate skeletons in the closet! I think that bringing a "deep dark secret" into the light disempowers the demons! We all carry such heavy baggage!!!! If you feel burdened by this, talk to a friend, priest, therapist. Better yet tell Lee's wife to. Your daughter is not the place to unload this baggage. She'll figure out what she needs to, in her own time. And then you'll help her understand. Right now it is not even relevant.
N

I think it should be your husband that tells her. You should pray about it first, then talk with him to find out why he doesn't want to tell your daughter. Have your explained your concerns to him? If he still says no, then drop it and pray for the best!

From personal experience, I can tell you it would be MUCH better for her to find out about this from her father, and not people outside the family. It's much better to be honest about things like this than wait and have her not trust you and your husband to be truthful with her.

While these things are sticky---I would support your husband decision on this. It is his situation, and I would let things ride it out. Yes, she's ten and yes there is a good chance that she'll understand but right now it's not necessary.Nobody is going anywhere and you need to tell your son's wife to bug off. This isn't her situation whether she is Lee's wife or not. This is starting family trouble. If it ever did come up, then you can explain to your daughter that it wasn't necessary at the time to bring it up because it's an issue that isn't discussed at random. There is a time and place for everything. And with her being Ten, Twenty, Thiry, Fourty---I'm sure she'll understand. She's growing up right now at a tender age where she's now going to start asking you personal issues...do you really want to go there or do you want to keep her innocence to a degree? And as far as your daughter in law---she of all people should know her place and keep her nose out, especially if nothing is factual and Jeff nor Lee want to know the truth of the DNA. Sorry to be so blunt but there are bounderies.

M.