Divorce Advice - Charlotte,NC

Sorry Stephanie,

I can only imagine what you are going through right now. As a therapist, of course, I can echo much of what has already been shared. You do indeed need support for you right now. Please do not rush to any decision until you are ready. One thing I would be doing is to bolster your support sysyem in whatever ways possible. Do not underestimate that it is out there. If your medical doctor is not aware of what you are experiencing emotionally, please share with them as well. Good luck! S.

It must be pretty bad if you are seriously considering divorce.

Honestly, your first "plan" should be to enroll in marriage counseling if you have not already done so. If you have tried counseling and it was not effective, then ask yourself why. Is there a relationship there worth saving? I'm not suggesting that you "stay for the kids" b/c that's not a valid reason, but really ask yourself if this is a "rough patch" or a "dead end" before making other plans.

You have two children together and are very far from "home". When you file for divorce and there is custody involved, there is usually some kind of stipulation that you cannot move more than 90 minutes away until everything is settled, so keep that in mind. Daycare and a job- two very tough things to come by right now. You may be better to stay local where you at least have some help. Your family is very far away which would mean a very difficult move and uprooting your children.

If you aren't in counseling - you may want to seek counseling either as a couple or just individual counseling. If you think there is still hope for the marriage it may help toward that end, if you don't think there is hope it will help you transition through this part of your life.

If you think it is inevitable...I would suggest start putting some money away in a separate account in your name if you don't already have one. Talk to a lawyer and get good counsel - even if it you aren't sure yet they will have good advice. Get good documentation on what your current financial situation is, previous years taxes, joint assets, etc. And yes - find a job and make sure you have a way to support yourself and the kids. Do some fact finding and figure out what it will cost to support yourself and the kids - make sure you know what your in for. That may help you decide if you should stay where you are or move depending on job availability and cost of living.

Most importantly - try to remove as much emotion from your decisions as you can. ALWAYS keep the best of the kids as top priority. Divorce is never easy - but the more rational mom and dad are the better off the kids will be. Make it is amicable as possible.

Without knowing what the specific issues are, it's hard to give advice.

I do know this: If I had two small children I would surely see to it that I had done all I could to make the marriage work. That might include: marriage therapy, individual counseling, more communication, physical evaluations, etc.

Best to you!

I have been a divorced single mom for a little over a year now.

Think long & very hard about divorce, because you can't necessarily "go back".

Here is the nitty-gritty of divorce...

The first thing you're absolutely going to need is a support system, without it, well, you will falter more than you want to.

Second, you have got to work out a plan to explain everything to your kids. Your kids are your top priority. You have to think about how you're going to explain grown-up things in adult in kid-friendly language. Be prepared for questions and tears and confusion. You have to be in the right frame of mind to support your children.

Third, you need money. A divorce can average about $6,000 in my state & that is the basic, friendly divorce.

Fourth, you need to understand that you will be a single mom. You won't be staying at home, you won't see your kids as much, you will work full time and then come home and "work" your other job as a full time mom. There isn't a lot of time for you and the kids basically are with you all the time. It is damn near exhausting.

Our society gravitates towards divorce as being a "simple" solution, but it isn't. Sometimes, it is unavoidable, but when there is even the smallest glimmer that it can be avoided, then it should be.

If things are very terrible, maybe a time apart is an idea. Sometimes, we all just need to clear our heads & gain some perspective back.

Don't be afraid of the "hard" parts of life... and that includes the "hard" parts of marriage.

May you be blessed with strength & clarity.

Ok, slow down here. Not much information for us to go on. How long have you been married?
Are you a SAHM because your husband's job disenables you from having your own career or because the two of you decided prior to having children that this would be best for your family?

I ask this because you are very isolated. In an unfamiliar place none of your own family close by, home all day just with the baby (soon to be two) and not really looking forward to the relationship you have with your husband when he IS home.

This is what YOU want for yourself? This is what the two of you have decided together? He has told you HE wants a divorce?

Regardless of what the outcome is here, you need some help, Mom. I strongly suggest you find a therapist you like. It would be AWESOME if he would go with you, but even if he won't PLEASE find some for yourself.

And NO, I don't think you should be looking for a new place to live. I think the KIDS should be able to stay in their HOME with whoever is to be the primary physical custodial parent.

Now is probably NOT the best time to go back to work if you are a SAHM. It can be decided legally who will be providing financial support/medical coverage for ALL of you and for how long.

It would benefit you to sit down with an attorney at this point so you can discuss your options. Many have free consults. Some cost a few hundred dollars. Please don't assume you can't afford one because you are a SAHM. It is your legal right to have representation, and your household income as it is now is YOURS as well, use the joint checking account or a credit card in both your names.

Please DO NOT JUST LEAVE, with or without your kids. You can try asking HIM to leave, the kids deserve to stay in their own home.

Best case scenario as another poster said, it IS just a 'Rough Patch'.

Best of Luck!

I know many people who have gotten divorced. You have to get a court order to allow you to move more than x miles from the other parent. It would be best to stay on good terms with him as possible, but you do need your own attorney and to have a plan. Judges don't like parents taking a child away from a parent for their own reasons. You need to have a job lined up back home so it looks like you have a legetimate reason for going.Plus, how will you get your children to the dad every other week and for other visits? Where will you stay with the newborn when it is Dad's time? Are you going to breastfeed? Who will be your emergency babysitters. You NEED to get support from him for your child. You can't just do this on your own.

i think you need to slow down a bit hun, you are due in march so your hormones are going wacko (seriously). for starters do you really want a divorce and "stick yourself" away from family and whom you already know in a place where you are unhappy? have you tried talking to him to settle a compromise/solution to the problems you are having? if you have not, this is not really fair to him because he's literally clueless that you have these feelings in mind. if your serious then start documentation, start setting money aside in a seperate account and get yourself set up so that you can afford to take care of these kiddo's.

you really need to think long and hard about a divorce, do you REALLY want another woman taking care of your kids when he has them (that WILL happen), do you REALLY want to put up with the bs of having ABSOLUTELY no say so when they are on visitation with what they do, do you REALLY want the chance that your kids will call another woman mom.

e-mail me if you want to talk, but dont' think the mom's on here really have much to go on to make an educated response to help you

You have been through some major life "crisis" with a first child and now another pregnancy. Divorce is a crisis like the death of a spouse, only harder in some cases. Please consider good counseling before you make this decision. Research the consequences for you and your children. 90 % of people who wanted to divorce but didn't are glad 5 years later that they didn't divorce. Time changes things.

Well, I would say that when he says that a third party can not work for you guys because they don't know you would be the first inclination that I have that he really does not want to work things out. I would suggest marriage counseling as your first step. If he will not go then you take advantage of the situation and go by yourself and reach deep inside yourself and bring some kind of empowerment for you. You can make the right decision when you are not feeling like a victim and a survivor. I am divorced TWICE and the first time I felt weak and jumped into a relationship. I learned my lesson and chose a different path this time. I am strong and the people that I felt would always be by my side showed their true colors. Remember, the kids will gain their strength from you to be able to deal with this trying time. What makes you strong, happy, and succeed will also bring joy to then.

Hi. I would just like to share a bit of testimony. My husband and I too were on the brink of divorce. I was resolved and ready. I hated it for our 18mo old daughter, but I thought it was the right thing to do for our happiness. Well, we decided that before finalizing divorce papers, we would attend a Family Life Weekend-to-Remember get away... And I must say that conference changed our lives. It is Christian/God/Faith-based. It opened our eyes to things we had never even thought about - and that shocked me b/c we were both raised in church and have been church-going Christians for 20years. Our relationship is now stronger than ever. Our love - physical and emotional - is more passionate than it ever has been. I encourage you to attend one of these conferences if both of you are willing to attend with an open mind. You can visit www.familylife.com for more information. Good luck and God bless! (: