Divorce - Winter Haven,FL

I would not suggest staying together just for the kids. By doing so you are not teaching them anything about what you want for them. It is more important they have a chance to see you in a loving relationship and learn from that example and hopefully find that for tehmselves someday too.

I totally understand where your coming from. Been there....I left the father of my daughter when she was 3 and believe me it totally was a very hard thing to do. I originally had decided to stay with him for her sake, but the ongoing bickering at each other couldn't be good for her. My family's advice was to think of my future as well as my daughter's. Children are stronger than we give them credit for, providing we do things in a loving way. Let's not forget also the fact that they "fly" off with their own wings one day...(I'm almost there and it's killing me, my daughter will be 18 this year) so where does that leave you? I explained to my daughter that Dad and Mom still loved each other, but as friends now and not as Mommy and Daddy, and that we both still loved her alot. As time went by, I went out of my way to make sure she was always in contact with her father, seeing him every other weekend and talking on the phone. It was very difficult (he continuously blamed me of everything in the world when we were alone) putting up with alot of it, but I kept remembering the reason I was doing this: for HER well being. No matter what went on between us, she will ALWAYS love her mom and dad.
Today, her father has since remarried and I sometimes have him and his wife (she is a wonderful human being) over for dinner on special occasions ....again for my daughter's sake. My daughter is older now and can better understand the reasons we broke up...but he is still dad! I am very proud of my daughter, she is growing up to be a fine young woman.
If you should decide to take the same road I did...it won't be easy......but I believe that with the right attitude, support of your family and ALOT OF LOVE, one can accomplish anything.
Good luck to you whatever you decide...and God Bless..
Fran

HI K.:
You have brought tear to my eyes... as I read your message I tought I was reading a description of what is currently happening too me. I have been debating for a couple of years now the divorce and I am so scared of the decision. There are so many factors that just asking if it is better for the kids to stay or go is not an easy answer. There are days when I wonder how could I ever think of it (my husband is very loving to our 3 girls) and there are days I almost want to run out and dissapear with the kids (He can be very disrespectful ... almost scary) What really hurts is that the kids are witnesses. We tried counseling but he was not really on board, he only attended twice.We have tried talking... but usually end up yelling.
I have no advise other than you need to be true to yourself and to your heart... A close friend of mine in the same circumstance told me once: If mommy is not happy how can she make her kids happy... she separated from her husband for a year and now is back with him and loving him more than ever. (I guess sometimes you gotta lose what you have to realize you really loved it... even if you were not in love)
In my case I am not sure why I haven't gone through with my plans... maybe it is because I am scared... maybe it is because the day I decide to he shows up and brightens my girls day, maybe just because there is an ounce of hope left in me...
All I can tell you is that only you know. I also think about the example I am setting both ways... Am I a quitter if I get a divorce? Or Am I teachig them to disrespoect and put up with disrespect.,..
No answer is right but if you need an ear to listen to you or a friend to talk to... let me know, I am in your shoes.
G.

K.--
Along with any happy-hopeful responses about how glad everyone will be when this all shatters apart, please skim the list of other requests. See how many moms--even this week!--are troubled because their kids really want Daddy back in their lives. My parents divorced when I was 3. It was a happy and agreeable occasion: they announced it to a group of close friends at a New Years party, and everyone toasted them and wished them the best of luck (hey--it was the 70's!) For years afterwards, my mom did the best she could, and she was spectacular, but she was lonely. Boyfriend after boyfriend walked in and out of our lives--some of them I liked, some not (but I tried)--and one of my most painful memories is of her tears one night after one particularly sudden breakup. The cause of the breakup? Well, kids will be kids--my brothers and I were fighting and throwing tantrums, and he decided he couldn't take it. I still cry sometimes, reliving the hopelessness I saw in her face. All the while--I loved my dad! And as a kid, I always wondered why they couldn't "just hug" and make it all better!

Of course, "God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love him," but I still wonder sometimes if they couldn't have worked it out. And I confess that, years later, I feel a twinge of disrespect for them for not trying harder.

THE WORST PART IS, by the time I was grown up and in the marriage market myself, I was so used to the divorces all around me, that every time I went to a wedding I found myself wondering how how soon it would fall apart. Lifelong commitment seemed impossible by then, and I assumed I was meant for the same course. Is it any wonder that the divorce rate in our country is snowballing with each generation?

NOW THE GREATEST BLESSING: Wonder of wonders, I married a man whose parents have just passed their 50th anniversary! They had rough times, too--very rough--and with plenty of everyday annoyances even in the good times. But they have stood together, with God's grace ("forgive others as He has forgiven you") at the heart of it all. THIS was the ONLY basis I had for the courage to walk down that aisle! And without that example, and a commitment to God (hey, we did promise in a church, after all), this marriage could have fallen apart plenty of times, too. But each time we push through those challenges, looking within ourselves for what we've contributed to the problems, our relationship gets better and better!

HAVE YOU TRIED PRAYING FOR YOUR HUSBAND? As another responder pointed out, love is an ACTIVE word. If you two can't yet come together on a solution, fine! Hand him over to God! Tell God, "He's your problem!", then give up changing him yourself, and stick around and see what happens! (Besides, when you pray day after day for someone, you can't help but start feeling some tenderness for them. If you don't want to feel that, face the fact that you've already decided this regardless of any part he's played.)

Lastly, please click over to this other Mamasource entry from February: http://tinyurl.com/3bpk5s (yes, that's a Mamasource link--I just used a trick to shorten the address for this posting). My response is still at the top, I think; and in it, I recommended and summarized a book called "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. PLEASE read it; if you think it's too late for this situation, at least read it to understand your kids better, yourself better, your future relationship attempts better. It was pretty convicting for me.

And if you can be agreeable to it, please try counseling from a pastor or other religious personnel of your choice. Without a higher power to bind you together and transform you from the inside out, it's just the blind leading the blind. I will be praying for you, and for all the marriages that are hurting out there (you too, Gaby!). Please don't give up yet.

K.-I almost left my husband a few years back and since I have two children I had the same feelings you did---but, a friend of mine (a man) told me it is better for the children to have two happy homes than one unhappy home. (He had left his wife and said it was the best thing he ever did for his son). That gave me the courage to talk to my husband and tell him I could not longer take the tension for me or the children. I told him is this is the way he was going to be we needed to be apart. He asked if there was anyway to change it---so, we went to counseling, first; both of us, then; him alone (the doctor did agree that my hubby needed some extra time to get through the way he acted towards me and the boys). Now, we are still together (we will celebrate our 21st anniversary next year) and we have a happier home.
Bottom line, it is important to get out the way you are feeling. Your husband may not even realize how he is acting. See if he will try counseling to try and get through some of it---you may find it can help you.
(I do want to also tell you; my Mom left my Dad when I was 1--I had 3 older siblings)---it was the best thing she ever did--met the only Father I have ever known and now, 40 years later, they are still happy.
I only tell you the two sides because only you will know what is best---and it can work out for the best either way, only you know which choice is right for you and your children.
Good luck and stay strong!

i've been married for 18 years to the same man and we dated for 4 1/2 years before that. (i'm saying that only as where my experience comes from -- there are a lot of lonnggg marriages that should have ended a long time ago and the kids would have been happier) in my experience, our marriage has had its ups and downs, but mostly ups! when one of us is going through a "stage" we call it -- the other grabs tight and holds on -- and works hard to be more lovable. (usually the "stage" is outside pressures and stress) divorce is too easy. unless you work on your marriage you will be short-changing your children. all the baseball games, trips, fun activities/toys in the world will never replace the ONE important gift you could give your children and yourself -- a happy, healthy relationship. you owe it to yourself, your husband and your children to SEEK a certified marriage counselor. my friend used to be a marriage counselor (pre-kids) and she said most of the time people wait too long before they SEEK help and they come just for show or validation that divorce is the only answer. hurry, run, go now to a counselor and do not be afraid of the $$ factor because they have a sliding scale of whatever you can afford to pay....it just takes a few phone calls. if your husband will not go with you, YOU go -- and eventually (hopefully) he will come around.
please please don't throw in the towel. 60% of all marriages fail and most of the time, the couples didn't give the time and attention to saving the marriage -- because 75% of second marriages fail. (new faces -- same old problems -- and some new problems -- the stepchildren) both people in the marriage are at fault and need to work on their issues. remarrying just makes it worse. one friend i have contemplating divorce with two little ones said she'd rather be alone for the rest of her life. she says that now. and she's not willing to work on the marriage or even herself. it is all him she says.
that's not the way to live a happy & healthy life -- and the greatest gifts to your kids -- happy & healthy parents. i'm not saying divorce is NEVER an option (adultery/addiction and such could be the deal breaker) -- but too many people take the easy way out when working with a GOOD therapist is more difficult.
I hope you seek professional help!
p.s.
i have a 6,4 & 2 year old -- so i know how children --as much as we love them -- can add stress to a marriage!!
please seek help!
(my parents separated when i was 7 to age 9 -- then they got back together after dating a lot. although this was years and years ago, it really affected my brothers and sisters (and me). however all of them are in decades-long relationships and all have hit bumps in the road within their relationships, but all have either sought professional help or worked through the issues) good relationships take a lot of work! nothing of value comes easy!
essentially don't throw in the towel until you feel satisfied
that you explored every avenue of help.....and once you are satisfied that you went through counseling and really really gave it your all......kids are resilient if they have a happy, healthy mom!
p.s.s. sorry to go on & on -- we have so many friends going through this right now (married 10 plus years and then some)with little ones -- i feel as if
i want to shout from the roof tops this advice or plaster it on every wedding invitation we will receive to the 2nd marriages!

Wow, this is not something people can say leave him or stay for the kids. Just know, the after affects on the kids would depend on the parents. I left my husband when my daughter was 9, she was distraught and blamed me. She even tried to attack me once. I grabbed her and sat her down and strictly told her she can not control the choices I make and she will have to deal just as I was. I told her and showed her that she will always have him around and she is now almost 18 and she still has him around to this day. He and I are best friends now. We sat a decided that she was the most important thing in our lives and we would have to do what we can, separated, to reassure her. Now my daughter doesn't want us to ever get back together, she says we are happier and friendlier to each other this way. Just remember, whatever you decide, be adult with your husband and figure out a way to keep the family together even if separate.

Hi K. ,

I was in your boat 4yrs ago. I have a 51/2 yr old boy. He had just turned 2 & My ex & I would constantly fight. I was to the point I had no feelings for him what so ever. It was like a brother & sister relationship at night in bed. No affection no nothing. I would always ask myself & I am really in love (which i wasn't). Long story short I decided to go ahead & file for divorce. Even though it's hard when there are kids involved. But kids see everything, hear everything . They notice our actions towards our spouse.
I know it's a very hard decision to make, & there were times I thought I never would live through it but I did .
Take your time think things through & do always what is best for the kids . They are at the age where they will undersatnd that mommy & daddy do not get along and have to live apart. But make them know that they can always call or see daddy or daddy can come to spend time with them when ever they want him to .
I hope this helped you a little.

L.

I am divorced and my children are having a very hard time with it. My children are 5, 3 1/2, and 2. The two year old does not know he has a father. My children have not seen their father in over a year. I would recommend sticking it you. Love is not a feeling it is an action. You must learn to love and respect a person. I would like to recommend a website and a book. The website is www.nogreaterjoy.com. And the book can be found on the site, it is called Created to be his Help Meet. I know my opinion is in the minority but I felt I needed to voice it.

Also statistically children raised in a family without divorce do much better than those that have to go through a divorce. Even if there are problems in the relationship. Which there are always problems, life is never problem free.
Good luck. I will pray for you!
R.

Hi K.,

I can tell you from expeirence, it's not better to stay where you are not happy. I tried that and I was more miserable. Since my husband and I split 5 years ago and I moved to florida. not only am I happy my kids are happy. Kids are affected in a unhealthy situation. Something to think about. You and your children deserve to be 100% Happy! :-)

Dearest K.,
Please, please hear my call to you.
I have been married for 11 years as well. Have two boys and filed for a divorce 2 years ago. I still have the papers but have not proceeded with the divorce for the grace of God consumd me to stay with my husband.
I too had not respect, disagreed every step of the way with all my husband suggested, just hated him.
At the same time my husband fell into drugs and alcohol, I lost all feeleings for him but found a relationship with God. Every time I felt abandoned by my husband the spirit filled me. When I was dispaired by lonelyness, the spirit fulfilled me. When I cried out in prayer the spirit heard me. It has taken 3 full years for a transformation to take place, but I promise you it took place none the less! I had to grow and change as well as wait for my husband to fall to the same mercy of God. It has been a long road. All the while protecting my children from his drunken raging, or being so high he saw prowlers in our yard at night. I thought of suicide I can't tell you how many times. For what, to leave my children to be a burden to a family member and never know the love I truly have for them? Walk away and just leave my husband. Leave everything I had worked for? Stay and wait for God to work in my life? I waited and the masters hands molded and transformed and recreated the both of us. I had anger issues and honestly hated the man I was "stuck" with. I even prayed for him to just die. Because when we did get married we did promise God "Til DEATH do us part".
I plead to you to know it will hender your children to divorce. Today it is excepted. Marriage is not so sacred any more. After all it is 2007. Don't be a statistic. Look at yourself and mend you to be able to help mend him. Trust in our Father and know he is in control. It is not God's wish or desire for you to be misserable! He will answer your call, you have to first call to him. Believe!!!!!
My husband now is clean of drugs and alcohol for almost a year. Before he would attend church with me drunk even. Now the entire congregation is a witness to the work of God for he attends regularly, he speaks to me as if I am a woman to be cherished not spat down to, he loves me agian. There is a reason for the two of you to fall into this sump of dispise. You have to find out what that reason is! Do not give up! Do not fall into the traps of Satan! He will take everything from you! Don't let that beast have another victory.
Turn this over to God and wait for an answer! He will guide you.
I wish I could just hug you and assure you, it will be okay! Hang in there and find a different solution rather than walking away. Your husband was once a man you loved and most likely would have died for. Find that! Get it back. It is not gone but masked with dispair! Peel that mask away and fix this. Allow the power of Christ to release you from the binds of Satan.
I don't know you but fully know your situation. Be strong and turn to God. You are to me a sister in Christ and I love you and feel for you. I will pray for you right now! , Okay I did as I said I would. Allow God to work for you.
Loving you through faith,
your sister M.

I think staying together in that kind of relationship because of the children will do them more harm than good. You don't mention if there is a lot of arguing or fighting going on. If there is then the kids will pick up on the tension between the two of you and that is not good for any of you.

I got divorced when my twin girls were 5 1/2 years old and we were separated from when they were about 3 years old. Their father did'nt really spend much time with them when we were together but made it a point to pick them up every Saturday or Sunday after we separated. I think he really did it to spite me because he thought I would be upset that he wanted to spend time with them. Unfortunately for him, he has a poor relationship with them, they are now 16 years old and could care less if they spend any time with him these days.

I was very scared when I got separated, worrying about raising my girls basically by myself and trying to pay all of the bills ( he did pay some child support at the time) I got through it and so will you if you decide to go this route. You all deserve to be happy even if that means that you and your husband split up. He can still be a part of their lives. My ex and I, to this day, do not agree on much when it comes to our daughters, and that will never change.

I don't know if all this babbling is helping any. Do you think marriage counseling will help? It's worth talking about and investigating. When I decided to separate I was done with the marriage and ready to move on. I waited about a year before even thinking about dating again. I still haven't found anyone I would see myself living with or marrying and am currently taking a break from dating but have hopes of finding that person ( actually I think I found him but he does't realize it yet...eventually he will see what is right in front of his eyes!)

Kids are resillient. They may have a difficult time at first with separation or divorce, but in the end if the marriage is that bad then it's best for all involved to end it.

I don't believe that it is better to stay together for the kids, but I do believe that people get divorced too easily. Have you taken any steps to repair your marraige? What are the problems that you and your husband are facing other than not agreeing on parenting strategies?

You should check out the Dr. Phil website (Relationship Rescue is a great resource) and also eHarmony has a great marriage section that sends out newsletters via email monthly with really great articles on relationships.

Here is a really good article from the Dr. Phil website:

Calling It Quits

Dr. Phil believes most people in America are too quick to get divorced. You shouldn't get a divorce, he says, until 1) you have turned over every stone and investigated every avenue of rehabilitation possible, and 2) you have no unfinished emotional business.

Have you gotten help for your marriage? Have you exhausted all avenues of putting your marriage back together? That means everything from reading books or going to a marriage counselor, to speaking to a clergy member and spending time focusing on you and your role in what's going on.

You need to ask yourself:

What was your marriage like when it worked?

When did it go wrong? Why?

Is what you're fighting about worth breaking up your marriage over?

What do you want?

What is it costing you to be in your relationship?

Are you willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work?

What are you doing to contaminate the relationship?

Divorce Readiness Test:

"You know you're ready for a divorce when you can walk out the door with no anger, frustration or hurt. Otherwise, you've got unfinished business," says Dr. Phil. "Unless and until you look each other in the eye feeling peace, no hatred or resentment, you're not ready to get a divorce."

Do not make life-changing decisions in the midst of emotional turmoil. Such consequential decisions should not be made when tensions are high. Get on flat ground first so you can look at things more rationally.

Ask yourself:

Are you still in love with your spouse?
Are you hurt?
Are you scared?
Are you angry?
Are you confused?
If you answered yes to any of those questions, you've failed the test. This is not the time to make life-changing decisions. You have more work to do.

Hi K.,
I have to tell you the point of view from the other side.
I come from a divorce family. I was 8 when my parents split up and yes I was hurt.

For the longest time I blamed my mother, then my father, then the world. I did get over it and soon realized that it was better that way.

What parents don't know is that, their children are smart and children are able to see and can tell when their parents pretend to hide their emotions towards each other and try to fool their children by acting as if they are in good terms.

I def knew something was wrong in my household, I was able to feel the tension; and so did my siblings and many other friends who were in similar situations.

Don't fool yourself thinking that you will do better by sticking around. Reality is that your children probably already sense that you are unhappy.

Do be prepared to provide your children with that emotional support and be patient with then, after all they have a right to be hurt. This is something new to them and they need to learn how to greeve it.

Please arrange for you and your ex to be part of the children's lifes, this way it will be easier on then.

In the long run they will thank you for giving then a better life not full of lies, fights, etc.

I would never ever have my parents back together again. I get along with both of them, just fine. However I do admire/respect my mother b/c she had to make such a hard choice. She became a single parents and did a terrific job at it.

I know my parents are, were and will be much happier apart than together. As for me and my happiness I grew up in a much happier environment where lies, unhappines and deception were not part of my life.

Good luck with your decision I know you will make the best of it.

Connie

Attempt to get counseling first. Your lack of respect for your husband, which sounds like the route of your issues, has got to be the "result" of something. You need to determine the reason why your unhappy in the marriage before you can make a decision to end it or fix it.

As for staying in a bad marriage for the children - put yourself in their position. If there is a lot of fighting and name calling, or even cold indifference between you and your husband they are absorbing all of it. You are teaching your children what a married relationship should look like, good or bad. If your marriage is ugly and non-fixable - get out. I grew up in a household with a verbally abusive father and an awesome mom. I am now 38 and I still wonder "why she stayed" and have some resentment against her for making us endure it through our childhood years. Not that I blame her, but now a mom myself, I realize that it was her job as the stable parent to protect us, and I feel let down. Long story short, the decisions you make right now will effect your children for their whole life one way or another. Your decision is not easy, but make it wisely.

D.

Hi K., I'm sad to hear about your marriage. I believe that it is better to always show children a good example of love and marriage. If you feel that your marriage is failing and that you've tried everything you can to make it work then I think it would be best to divorce. You don't want your children growing up seeing a "marriage" that does not include love, agreement, and happiness. They are better off seeing their parents as friends instead of co-habitants. Best of luck to you.

Hi K.,

I'm a single mom of a two year old. Like you, my ex and I had stopped respecting each other and we were realy just miserable together. I decided that it would be of no benefit for my son to grow up in that kind of environment and we broke up.

Now.. as far as my son goes... he's number 1 for both of us. Because of that we've been able to put aside our differences and actually work together pretty well as a parenting unit. (I even helped him get a job where I work, and it's caused no issues whatsoever). We feel that even if we're civil towards each other, our son would still pick up on any latent hostility so we've had to work hard to get to a place where we can feel friendly respect for each other, but we've done it for our son's sake.

We're both very involved in our son's life, and he's not lacking for any love. Now, on a personal level, it IS lonely. But you know what? Being in that relationship made me miserable, and that's even worse. Sometimes things are broken beyond repair, and the best thing to do is cut your losses and move on.. just make sure that you're BOTH working towards solutions that are in EVERYONE'S best interests. Regardless of what happens, you two will always be a team, so you both need to try as hard as possible to not "be out to get each other". you'll both have to work for what's in both of your best interests as well as your kids', and if you can manage that you'll be fine.

Please please call me! I was there 3 months ago! In fact, he left me for another woman and refused to pay my bills (including rent). Being a stay-at-home mom, I had no source of income and was forced onto food stamps!

Divorce is so ugly. It should be the absolute LAST resort.

Pete and I went to Weekend to Remember (www.weekendtoremember.com) this past weekend and learned so much about each other and what the world says, verses what we have within us to do. With knowledge comes understanding. Him and I both laughed and cried, and realized we were both so wrong about so many things. (even though that is EXTREMELY hard for me to admit because I did nothing wrong in the sense that I was faithful, committed to him and my children.. ect.)

I know how painful this is for you and what you are feeling because I've been in the same place for three years (same resentment, lack of respect, hate his patrenting if there was any parenting skill to begin with).. and now after one weekend on a marriage retreat it was like I was hit upside the head with a frying pan and realized being right doesn't always make me better...

I also researched a few things about children who come from divorced homes, which was extremelt scary.

I didn't believe in divorce until my husband started messing with my children wanting them to come stay with them. Fighting for custody ect. A lot of things unexpected comse with the divorce paperwork, much of which is resentment and anger. The person with the most money typically comes out with the better results.

If you have any questions at all, even as little as what attorney I would reccomend, the process, or about your marriage and mine.. I will give it to you with honesty and experience. I really hope the best for your situation. :O)

A once very broken mother of two,

J. R. Patellis
###-###-####
____@____.com

p.s. Also, if you have an email I'd like to share an article called "I love you but I'm not in love with you." It was supposed to be something to understand your spouse but I found it was how I felt..

p.s.s.
I can also provide you with his mistresses email as well if you like. She'd been married 11 years, has an 8 and 11 year old.. she found out the grass wasn't greener on the other side. In fact, she had most of the same problems with my husband that she did with hers! She also found out that she really loved him but they had serious issues to work through.

www.myspace.com/melanie6180
(Just FYI: the life implosion and all the hate part she talks about in her profile is the intended ill she has for my family..) Please understand, it's because she made some huge mistakes as well as my husband but she felt betrayed in some odd way when he came back to us.

She is now back with her husband who she thought very little of before she made her HUGE mistake. They also had a divorce on the table.

K.,

As a mother that has gone through pretty much the same thing, only difference I had 1 child with my ex. I tried to stick it out with him but it only hurt my son. If you do not love him and the 2 of you cannot get along, it is time to move on.

If you would like to chat or have anymore questions please e-mail me at ____@____.com

S.
SAHM of 3 boys

The first question I have is: is there any hope of getting the love and heat back into the relationship?? Are you still attracted to him??? Staying in a marriage for the kids is not a good idea, unless you are willing to sacrifice yourself and end up losing who you are. Unfortunately your kids are very young and it's not like you could wait for them to go to college...............you have a very long time until they get there. However, if there is any possible way you could fall in love again, I would recommend you do it before getting a divorce. Good Luck, ____@____.com if you want to talk.

Nobody always feels 'in love'. You better wait and not make any hasty decisions. If the answer isnt obvious (and it would be obvious if you were in danger) then the answer is 'obvious' to me, which is that you should put the needs of your children above your own feelings and stay in the marriage at this time. Having small children can extinguish any romance flame but the flame can be rekindled if you go on a cruise together - just the 2 of you.
Im betting there are other women out there who would be happy to take him off your hands!
I recommend going on a 7-day cruise together (NO KIDS)
and please do this for the sake of the kids.
Some special time together will help you see things more clearly, one way or the other. Whatever you decide - please consider your children! Their lives will be greatly effected and screwed up in a huge way.

The big "D" word is never easy.... I have two children from my ex and my son took it pretty hard. He was about 6 at the time. The best advice I could ever give is never, never argue in front of the kids. People don't relize the affect it has on kids. We went our seperate ways, I was no longer in love with him and just didn't see a future. We always seem to get along, one because it really wasn't bitter and two for the kids. We would have open conversations in front of the kids about picking them up and dropping off. Just noraml suff that way they knew that no matter what mom and dad will always be there even if it's not at the same time. We never talk about each other in front of them. It just really works if you both can control yourselves. Now our kids are 10 and 13 and they are well rounded honor roll students. We still talk about everything that goes on in there lives in front of them so they know that there are no secrets. Good Luck!

I think one of the posts follows my views on this issue pretty well, so maybe you could go back and read the post by Ethel P.

I don't believe it is ever a good idea to stay married just for the children. Remember they have to live in that unhappy marriage also. I'm not saying you shouldn't try to work things out, but if you give it your best shot and things are still rough it won't help anyone to stay in that kind of life.

Try to get some couple counseling, and family counseling. Try going alone on a retreat with your husband especially for rekindling relations. I saw one listed in one of the posts. Talk very seriously with your husband about how you feel, and let him know that you are willing to try to work on things but there is no way to guarentee things will work. Make it clear that no matter what happens you both have to try to get along especially while the kids are around. They don't deserve to deal with fighting from those that love them, nor should they ever have to choose between the two of you. The best thing you can do is be honest with them, discuss it with them, answer any of their questions or responses, make it clear that the problems are not their fault and do not badmouth your husband, or vice versa.

Put your best foot forward and try to work on anything you have troubles with. If you do this and things still have no hope then you do what is right for you. He will hopefully always be in your life because of the kids so you both need to keep things amicable. Staying maried for the kids and nothing else is a bad idea. They absorb everything that goes on in the home.

No solution is ideal..but As Dr. Phil would say..."Kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one!" My prayers are with you and yours...

Hi, sorry you are going through this. :-( You don't mention if you've tried counseling. If not, you may want to try that first. With your husband and/or without. Also, I would go to family counseling if/when you plan to separate/divorce. A counselor can help you two best work with each other when you're not living together. If you think you don't agree now regarding the kids wait till you get divorced. I think counseling would teach you both necessary skills for the situation(s) you will find yourself in. Divorced parents can be just as toxic an environment for children as it would be if you were living together. If you do separate you need to make the transition as smooth as possible for the kids and for yourself. And if you don't like the first counselor try again until you find the right fit for you. Perhaps you or your husband's insurance will allow a certain amount of sessions. Best of luck to you.

K., I have never been married but my sister was in the same situation. I am sure you will get plenty of responses on this. I can tell you that it is definately not best for the children if you stay in the relationship. Eventually you will start arguing in front of them and fighting and it is just not a good environment for them. It is very confusing on what to do but look at it this way, Is it really fair to the children to have to listen to the fighting or to have a mother who cant focus on them and give her all?? I am sure you are a very strong woman and I wish you the absolute best of luck.

~M.

hey K.. i am a a single mom of two adorable children-both boys ages 10 years & 4 months. though they share the same "father" and i use that term loosely, he is not around. believe it or not, i thank God for that everyday. it isn't easy being a single mom, but i know for a fact that it would be even harder if their "donor" were around. i do not want my kids to grow up thinking that it's okay being in a miserable relationship because of fear of venturing out into the unknown. trust me when i tell you that it's much more detrimental to them to have to put up with the everyday stress of you guys not getting along. you are inadvertantly teaching them that #1 that is what marriage is supposed to be like-(lack of respect,lack of affectoin,lack of trust, and lack of security)#2 you are not just raising your children-you are raising future partners/parents of others. if you want them to be strong,loving, trustworthy people, you must show them that they can depend on you to guide them. showing them how to handle bad situations in a constuctive way that will benefit you all is key here. it's not easy, believe me i know, but you'll thank yourself in the end! hope this helps-keep the faith in yourself-YOU CAN DO THIS!

I think it's awesome you are reaching out at such a tough spot!Please go to counseling, for your sake and for your kids' sake, before you make any decisions, it sounds like there is so much going on in your life.

Well...with this one I have some experience...I was in the same situation, the children were 6 and 8 and we had been married 13 years. My parents stayed together "for the children" and it was miserable, I made the decision to go. The most important thing, is that you will always have a relationship with this man because of the children, and whether or not you are married you will still have to find a way to work together with him so that they do not suffer. DON'T fight in front of them, DON'T use them to hurt each other, and REMEMBER that anything bad that you say about him, hurts the children. The most important thing is not staying or going, but how you do it.

My children are honors students, have good relationships with both myself and my ex...and to this day (15 and 17 now) do not know why we divorced...just that it was not their fault!

Please feel free to email me privately if you want to talk about this. Good Luck making one of the toughest decisions that you will ever face.

Oh K. I cannot tell you how much I feel for you. I was in your position 4 years ago except I loved my ex very much but could not fool myself anylonger with ideas that he will love me one day. He had countless afairs and did not even try to hide them from me or the kids after a while I have 2 boys and a girl and i could not live with the idea that my daughter would grow up thinking it was ok for a man to treat her that way or for my boys to ever be that careless with a womans dignity. For me the decision was easy but very hard to follow through on. i left 4 years ago and my life has been harder than I can explain. Being a single mother is almostimpossible to do, but I am doing it day by day with a lot of silent tears and forced smiles for the kids. If it is at all possible to make things work with your husband do whatever you can to make it work. But if yousearch yourself and see no way to make your life together better then for your children to give them a fighting chance to make good decisions in their own lives you have to leave. Just know that the road you are about to go down is a difficult and painful one but if you are strong and I believe you are you will make it and find happiness along the way teaching your children strength and character and how to follow their own path. I am a 35 year old single mother who is still trying to get it rightand in the end that is realy all we can do. I wish you all the best of luck and peace and happiness.

I. B.

Is there any way we can get you to give us at least an overview of what is causing the problem between you two? I don't mean to pry into your personal life, but in this instance, the details matter.

You say that you've been told "he is the way he is" and that you just have to deal with it. What are we talking about here? If he's abusive in some way, hey it's time to go. But if all we're talking about is him not taking the trash out then it's a whole different ball game.

I'm not trying to oversimplify your problem with the above examples. I'd just like to get a more accurate picture of why you would want a divorce before I dole out any advice. "I don't love him" and "we don't agree" doesn't really tell me much.

hi there, I almost got a divorce last year and there was alot of disrespect and almost hatred. But I decided to seek counseling and I also got a cd series online "light his fire" its by ellen kriedman. It comes with a cd set for you and one for him, its not cheap but it really helped me understand what i was doing wrong and what changes i needed to make and it did the same for him.

We now love each other more than ever and our relationship is totally different. We did alot of fighting and yelling in front of our 3 & 4 yr old girls and now we are giving them the home we always hoped for.

hope this advise works for you.

K.,

So sorry to see that your marriage is troubled. I have been witness to many marriages whereas the parents stayed together for the children, in retropect all of these now divorcees say that they wish they would have divorced sooner.

One of my coworkers was married for 33 years. She recently got remarried. She was one of the many women out there who took their vows seriously and decided to endure the stress of an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids. When she finally decided to have a divorce, her children, now 25 and 31 replied with "It was about time MOM!"

Kids know and sense when Mom and Dad are not happy. Why would you want to endure that unhappiness, and have your children experience it through you and your spouse.

I would say if the marriage cannot be saved, getting a divorce would be wise, the sooner the better for everyone involved.

Of course I would consider marriage counseling of course. but from what I hear most couples by the time they make it to the couselor the marriage is already in shambles. Also if he is umwilling to cooperate with the idea of a marriage counselor, you are simply out of luck. You cannot work on a marriage, a PARTNERSHIP without your PARTNER. That's like going to the doctor and getting partially treated. "I have a bloody open compound fracture, but the doctor is just going to treat the bleeding and not worry about setting the bone!" It makes no sense.
Both of you should be willing to work on it, its not going to work if only one of you is doing all the work for both.

A great book that I have been reading (even though I am happily married) is "Lies at the Altar" By Robin L. Smith. She might help give you some insight into what might have went wrong with your marriage, and what to look for if you ever decide to stay in the marriage/divorce/remarry/date.

I hope you find what is best for you and your children.

Good Luck!

http://www.amazon.com/Lies-Altar-Truth-About-Marriages/dp...

Statistics don't lie. Studies show that people who report unhappiness and then get divorced are MORE unhappy ten years later than people who report marital unhappiness yet stay married (those people report higher levels of happiness in the future) leading to a hypothesis that marital unhappiness is fleeting.

That said, your interpretation of your counseling experience sounds suspect to me - I've also been through a couple of counseling experiences and never was told "that's just how it is" And frankly maybe he is just like that - separating your family WILL NOT mean that you don't have to deal with him anymore when it comes to the kids!! If anything, any differences will become magnified as you both jostle for favorite parent status. Best of luck - look at those studies above, they are surprising!

I see you've already gotten alot of advice on this, so I'm going to keep it short. My parents stayed together for the kids. They did alot of fighting and yelling in front of us and it was awful. They got divorced when I was 16. As far as my brothers and I are concerned they should have done it years before that. It's much better to have 2 happy parents in seperate homes, than having two miserable, angry ones in the same house. Plus unhappy people pass that on no matter how hard they try not to. I think my parents were very quick to get angry at us because they had so much hostility just under the surface. Just something for you to think about when you're making your decision. Have you guys tried counseling?

Children know so much more than we think they do. And I think it is worse for them to see their parents have such an unhappy life. Would you want your kids to settle and be unhappy. Your probably doing them more harm emotionally if you stay. You should make your decision FOR YOURSELF. Coming from divorced parents at the age of 8.

Dear K. Q,
There is no perfect answer to your question, but if you are not in live with each other then the answer is clear: follow your heart. If you are certain that you don't want to be together, then go for it. If you think that there is a glimmer of hope then try. In the end the best thing for your children is to have a mom who is happy,not depressed or upset. As a teacher I can tell you that whatever decision you make, children are resilient and they will adapt, just make sure that you always remember to be a good mother.

K.,

My husband and I separated last year and are working on getting back together now. If I learned anything in this time, it's that ending a marriage doesn't end parenting responsibilites and rights. You will still have to work with him as far as the kids are concerned. If you don't work with him, it will be very difficult on your children. Just getting out of the marriage will not resolve your differences. If you feel you will truly be happier without him, try to split on good terms and work together for the kids' sakes.

I'm sorry you are faced with this decision.

Good luck and God bless you.

-T. Q

My husband left me, i would have never left. I made the committment, just roll with it. It might be perfect, but it was my life. Now 2 years later, i realize, whow i was really unhappy. My thoughts are, if there is no respect in the house, you are teaching your kids what marriage is about. In that case, that is not good. Divorce means more people to love! But if you and your do the Pretending thing that everything is ok, then tha tmight work, but neither partner is really happy. Marriage means most, the vows that you took. When that isnt' there, then think of the parents love for the kid. Hopefully feeling for the spouse dont get in the way. Hope this helps.

Hi K. my name is S. I am only 20 but I have been in a similar situation. not Divorce just with a boyfriend. He is 22 years old and him and I use to argue a lot. We went our seperate ways for about 1 month and then started talking again. We sat down and talked and decided that we would talk more often then we did and discuss things for our children's sake. We have been back together and just had a baby girl on march 10th. Things have been a lot better, and we don't fight as much now when we disagree we go into a different room and talk instead of getting mad at one another.

While pregnant with our first child (our son who is now 2years old) I took parenting classes and they always said that you have to take care of yourself in order to be there for you children. If you are not in love with him anymore I would have to say to try to explain to your children that mommy and daddy can't stay together anymore. And that they can see him when they want if you feel comfortable with that! Maybe they will understand and have more respect for you in the future, maybe not so much now, but they will later and also explain to them that it isn't anything that they did. At the ages of 6 and 7 they still feel your streesses, but don't understand the reasons why.

Have you talked to your husband about the problems? If not maybe you could try that first and see if you can come to some sort of agreement and maybe you will find the man in him that you fell in love with. I know it is easier said then done, but if you are willing to stay with him and think that maybe things will change talking to him would be my 1st suggestion, if that doesn't work then try to children.

But I don't suggest being unhappy b/c that isn't a good example for you children........... If you know what I mean. You have to be strong in any decision that you make for them!

S.
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If you want to respond in email that is fine.

Good Luck and I hope to hear your decision...........