Help Help Help ! - Fennville,MI

Six years and two kids isn't a commitment in his eyes? Do you live together now? Is it that he may have to move in and take care of the kids?
He does have valid fears, but it's a little late in the game to be bringing them up as a reason not to get married. What you have right now is close to a marriage if he's living with you. He's just got a loophole to bail anytime he wants and you and the kids deserve better.
He is armed with the knowledge of what an unhappy marriage looks like in his parents - it sounds like he's already learned from his parents of how NOT to be. He needs to shelve those fears and take the next step...commit on paper to you and his kids.

K.,

He needs to talk to a councilor. He needs to resolve these negative feelings about a relationship; maybe you could go with him. Good luck and I wish you all the best! (And if you guys do decide to get married and if you live in the Ann Arbor MI area, my husband is a photographer; just graduated from Washtenaw Community College with his associates in photography! :)

don't u think it's time you two acted like adults? And put your children's needs ahead of your own? Kids like a Mommy and Daddy, married, committed to each other living under one roof. So that when they go to school, the teacher isn't confused as to what is what, and who is who. Tell him to grow up, and stop sitting on the fence. Find someone else, that will get off the fence with you. Either you are committed to each other as a family unit, or find something that will be committed to you and your kids, because he isn't. He's too busy wasting time trying to decide. So move on....set a date, if he doesn't commit, then end it.

Hi Katrina,

In my opinion his fears are very real and justifiable to him despite the obvious of how long you've been together. My best suggestion is to go and get some pre-marital counseling to help him work through this and so you both can be on the same page. Trying to work it out yourselves will probably work but it may take a lot longer than if you went in for counseling. Sometimes hearing things from a third party gets the message through a little faster and with a deeper meaning because it is heard from more than one person and also because it's heard from someone that isn't emotionally involved. I wouldn't rush the subject or he may fall into his fathers pattern whether he intentionally does it or not. Be patient and pray. If it's meant to be then God will make it happen.

Good luck - S.

It is not fair to your boys. They need a set of married parents. Also, being not married does not stop cheating. In fact it is easier because you do not have a legal document saying your are married and can separate easier without all the red tap a divorce comes with. I think your boyfriend is scared of a legal committment not what he is revealing to you.

How about counseling for him to talk about his fears & the effect his parents had on him & why he cheated in the past. Counseling is like furthering your education. I know most men don't like to go but you could also go as couple to show him how committed you are to him.

K.; well, cheating is cheating no matter wether married or not, being married obviously wont stop cheating, married to each other is a commitment both of you make as a promise to stay together, thats the problem with todays society everyone gets to have their cake and eat it too, you cant marry someone who dont want to marry you , thats not fair, and if he dont want to be like his dad, then he should take the steps to change it, follow the bibles advice and treat your woman with dignity and respect, and have a greater love for god, and that helps in not committing fornication outside a relationship, the children you have need to have a stable environment, give them that, however you can, but being a spiritual person can help, im not gonna say make him marry you its the right thing, cause the right thing is to not sleep together at all till married, so doing the right thing has to be what is best for you and your kids and each other, i would say your questions are legitamint, i would ask him in private about his cheating ? and how does that stop him from marrying you ? and that you can work together to help him not feel he needs to cheat, his desire to just not be like his dad is commendable, he should be told that, ad thats probably what drew you to him in the first place, his good qualities, bring those out and you can promise to help each other to make each one stronger so you have a good strong relationship, there are some very nice bible programs out there, that ive seen help families be a source for good, i am a bible teacher, ask me about it you need more information on how it can help, be happy, D. s

I'm not going to knock you for having kids without being married, because marriage is no guarantee for happiness. But, if YOU knew that ultimately you wanted to be married, it would have been good to find out his long term plans for your relationship before you had your babies. If you have been together for six years, I would think you would have had that conversation a long time ago. If you knew that he didn't want to get married (and that you did) you should have given yourself a chance to follow your dream of being married. I know that none of this can be undone now, but don't settle for a future that you don't want. You can still be great parents and not stay together. (My parents stayed together my whole life, and their marriage was horrible! I wished they would have split up!) Good luck...and most importantly...enjoy your babies!

Hi K..

I dealt with similar. My husband and I were together 11 years.. kids were 4 and 2 years old when we got married. Now we've been married 3 years... and together 14 years... eck..lol

But his parents had a NASTY divorce. NASTY they LIVED together for YEARS hating each other, screaming and yelling and THROWING THINGS. Locking doors stealing each others belongings. IT WAS HORRIBLE. ALL DURING OUR REALATIONSHIP..IT WAS HARD ON EVERYONE.

Leaving my husband HATING MARRIAGE... His mom got alot out of the divorce, his dad hardly anything..and his fear is to end up like his dad...alone and broke...

BUT HE GOT THROUGH AND BELIVED IN US.. AND OUR FAMILIY AND LOVE. But it took 11 years.. which was hard for me..

HANG IN THERE SWEETIE!! You love him and he is your children's father..

K.,

Not that I have any wonderful answers to give, wish I did. But I noticed you said he did cheat on you, you guys worked through it and have a honest relationship--that right there is 100% different then his parents relationship, maybe point that out to him.
good luck I hope everything works out for you guys, and you are right you will always care for the person you created such a wonderful gift with, even when you don't like them, you'll still love them for what they gave you.

Hi there,

My husband was frightened of ending up like his divorced parents as well. The thing that helped us was going to our church and starting the counseling process through the church. When they started explaining to us the commitment of marriage and what it means, it opened both of our eyes.

In going through the Catholic Church, we became closer to eachother and closer to God. It has worked out great for us, and we've been married 13 years now.

I wish you both the best, and God bless you both!

It sounds like he needs to see a therapist. Commitment issues are pretty obvious. Just because his dad treated his mom like that doesn't mean he has to be unfaithful to you (again). If a person truly loves another person, they are faithful.

Some say a piece of paper changes things. Yes it does, more people will work at a relationship knowing there are legal commitments. However, it is from the heart and head where the commitments must originate.

Also if he has benefits through his work, you and your children are probably not receiving those benefits (ie health insurance) as legally you are not his family.

I guess my question would be, is this the kind of relationship you want to instill in your children?

I wish you well in addressing this situation.

Many blessings,

M.

K., first I'd like to say don't sweat the comments about you all not being married and having the children. Life's fairy tale doesn't happen for everyone. Yes, it is ideal that a father and mother be in a loving house raising children TOGETHER, but that isn't how the cookie crumbles for everyone. AND that wasn't your question...

I agree with those who suggested counseling. I also agree that not being married does not stop cheating. As a woman you have to think about what you want, if it's marriage and he's not on board you have to make a decision. 6 years is long enough, it's time to make a decision. You have to tell him what you want, and tell him let's do whatever it takes to make this happen - see if he'll go to counseling. Do not waver.. do not wait another couple years. Be firm, if he isn't willing to do counseling he's not serious about your relationship. A man who doesn't want to lose you will do whatever it takes to keep you.

I will also say that you two are young, there may be more to this than the reason he has given, if he's 23 like you. I also know that you can't 'make' a man do anything. Men do what they want to and if he wants to marry you he'll get the help he needs to make it happen.

Steve Harvey wrote a great book for all women:
How to Act Like a Lady and Think Like a Man - excellent read!

You both may want to seek professional advice. Your boyfriend is right, I hate to admit, but what would happen if he did cheat on you? What concerns me is that he is soo terrified about cheating on you. I don't think he really wants to cheat, but given the opportunity to cheat, he may. You already said he cheated on you before. I hate to say this but, once a cheater always a cheater UNLESS he is determined to get help!

K.,

My son's first daycare provider was in a committed relationship with her long-time partner of 13 years. The two of them decided not to get married, but still had a beautiful relationship and amazing kids. They didn't want to become husband and wife because of their past experiences.

Because you have already indicated an interest in marriage, their solution may or may not work for the two of you. However, I would not worry about what other people thought of your relationship as long as you both love and respect each other and raise your kids in a home that promotes those qualities.

Keep talking about your hopes and dreams with each other, but don't push your boyfriend too much. Counseling may help him, but if he's not ready you may need to be patient and wait for him to bring up the idea of counseling and/or marriage when he feels ready.

Good luck and belated congratulations to the both of you for the birth of your twins.

-C..

Definetely go to marriage counseling to work through thsi stuff before you get married. Although you've been together for 6 years! What's really different at this point really...

My parents and my husband's parents got divorced when we were out of the house... both cheated on the wives. I agree that parents don't think about their kids during a divorce, but I also think that marriages go downhill for a LOOONG time and couples don't seek professional help to help them before it's so bad that it's very hard to salvage.

He needs to take ownership of his own life. Everything he does is a choice. I hope he didn't blame his parents when he cheated on you. He didn't cheat because his parents cheated. He chose to cheat. If he doesn't want the same life he needs to do all he must do to create the life he wants. If that means counseling or coaching he needs to do it.

You can't help him get over his fears. He needs to own them and work on them. And you need to decide what kind of life you want. He's getting to play house and create a family without the complete commitment.

He is in control of his life; his parents don't control how he treats you, he does.

We are all responsible for our own actions and I do understand his fear, especially considering he cheated in the past. But the thing is, if he doesn't want to be like his father, he can control that.

I think some counseling is in order. Sometimes (especially with men, lol) it takes an outside, uninterested party to get through. You may tell him he's not at all like his father, but until someone else does (someone with no stake) he probably won't hear it.

K.,

Issues or no issues, his life is up to him. He controls his actions. Its too bad these things were not thought of before you had decided to have children with this man. Children need a stable atmosphere and that includes a married mother and father. It sounds to me like your man is still very immature and has a lot of growing up to do. None of us have a perfect childhood and we don't grow up and go around telling people everything we do is because of our parents. Yes, our parents influence our lives greatly, but once we are mature adults we realize that we have control of our own lives and learn from our parents mistakes and go on to try to make a better life for us. I don't know if you are religious at all, but having God first in your relationship really helps you understand the true meaning of love and commitment. You need to sit down with your man and explain to him what kind of life you want for him, you, and your children and maybe consider joining a church and include God in this plan. If your man is not on board with you than maybe its time to find someone else who is. Remember, your children are most important now..once we have children its not about us anymore. Pray to the Lord for guidance and I promise you he will lead you down the right path!! :)

If you are only 23, how old is your boyfriend? You must have been only 17 or 18 when he cheated in the beginning and if he was also that age, you were just kids! The mistakes he made as a teen do not have to be the final say in his character as a man, husband, and father. If I were you I'd wait a little longer before getting married so he can gain the confidence he needs to know that he does not have to repeat the past.

It can stop at his generation. Just because your Mother or Father were one way does not mean that you will be too. Of course, a good example from your parents is important too! Sounds like it really affected him psychologically and he is going to carry that in his relationship rather you're married or not. I would suggest counseling. Good luck!