Dicipline for a 12 Year Old

My own oldest is only 9, so understand that I am not speaking from personal experience, but as a teacher and from books I've read and child development classes I've taken...

First, know it's not too late at all!

Second, you are actually at a good stage in his life because he can totally understand reasoning. If you suddenly start deciding he needs to do things, "Because I said so," then you will (and should!) get resistance from him.

Start with the big picture and sit him down-- let him know that you and he are going to have a family meeting, and take him out to dinner somewhere where you can sit and talk and he can't storm off to his room. Let him know that you are having this meeting because you care about him and his future. Don't go on and on, but say something along the lines of letting him know that you aren't doing him any favors by letting him have a free for all because life isn't like that-- the world is full of rules and guidelines, even for adults, and when he becomes an adult you want to make sure he will be able to function on his own, and though he may not fully understand it, the idea of giving him boundaries to work with now will help him for the rest of his life. My 9 year old gets that, so I think with an open mind your 12 year old will get it, too-- even though he won't be happy, he will understand and one day appreciate it... Then...

Take everything one step at a time and tackle each battle seperately. Start with the one that is the biggest thorn in your side, which I assume is bedtime because it's the one you brought up. Decide before you meet with him why a 9:30 bedtime makes sense to you, and decide what you are willing to live with. You should NOT be wiling to live with him decideing on his own whenever he wants to go to bed, for example, but you may be willing to do what we do in my house, which is I set the bedtime and my kids have to be in their rooms at that time, but they can read for as long as they want until they are tired enough-- which ends up being sometimes 5 minutes and sometimes an hour, but either one is fine with me because either way I have already tucked them in and I get kid-free time for the rest of the evening! If your reason for sending him to bed early is because he is difficult to wake up in the morning, you can say, "OK, let's negotiate. You can have a 10:00 bedtime, but any morning that you are grumpy you have to go to bed that evening at 9:30-- deal?" Let him know that the negotiating is because you think he is responsible enough to HELP with the decision making, but be clear that you are ultimately the boss in the house.

Before you wrap up your meeting, be sure to address the running away threat. It is best to discuss it while he is in a good mood- if you try this conversation while he's upset it will fall on deaf ears. Be sure to let him know that it's no more OK for him to threaten running away than it would be for you to tell him you're running away from him! You 2 are a team and have been for years-- he does need to get it that you are the senior partner in the team, but that you need eachother right now. Get him to understand that A) you need his help and his love, and B) he needs your love (he'll deny it of course, but in his most quiet moments, he knows it's true) and he needs your financial support. I don't know your son and your situation... so I'm not saying this is right for everyone, but if you think it won't backfire, you can try some reverse psycology by having a conversation about where he would go. Remember you are doing this while he is happy, not in the middle of an arguement when he is threatening to leave! He may think he can just go and live with a friend because at his age he isn't considering that his friend's parents aren't usually willing to take him in for a long period of time just because he no longer feels like living with you. If he does say, "I can go live with Mark" then ask about Marks' house. Where would he sleep? Do Mark's parents have any rules they would expect him to live by, like a set bedtime? Is there anywhere in Mark's house where he could have his own space/privacy when he needs it? Can Mark's parents afford to feed him? Would Mark's parents be willing to take on the parental responsibilities that you do like _____ (fill in the blank with tons of things you do that he takes for granted)...

And if/when things start getting out of control (remember it could get much worse before it gets better), you need to have clear consequences set up and enforced consistantly. One excellent tip I read once was "electronic" privilages. They are not a right but a reward. There are tons of electronic things kids have these days beyond just the TV we had when I was a kid! Computer, TV, phone, iPod, stereo... anything that requires a plug or batteries can be taken away and earned back. Be sure when he threatens to run away to remind him he won't have any of those things where ever he runs to! They have no TV or computers if he thinks he can live on the street, and one phone call to Mark's house and his parents will take away his electronic privilages there, too!!

Good luck and keep us posted! I hope I helped!

Hi, R. by reading your problem it really sounds as if your son is not the problem. You are. Meaning you are having the problem with standing behind what you say. You are the parent and children rely on that. If they want friends they will gather them thru school and other outside activities. You need to say what you mean and mean what you say. Respect is not given but earned. We all know that. One step at a time. First try by the bed time issue and stick to your words. Love ya girl

You know, even with my three year old it's been the same senerio. I finally started iron fisting it if you will. Since I became the "mean mommy" I found they listen, respect what I say. They still need me to ask a million times to do anything, however, i did too up until I had kids of my own pretty much.

Guess what? My children still love me and still want to spend time with me.

It's your job to make sure they are well rested for school. You say 9:30 it's 9:30! If he has a problem, move it up.

Running away, ah yes, a fun ploy. When he threatens ask him where he will go. How far he will run. What he will do when he runs out of money. How he will cook dinners. Ect. That way, 1. if he really does it, you know where to look first, and 2. to point out the real world affects of running away.

Should he feel the need to be that independent and not do as you wish, then give him that responsibility. When he starts mowing the lawn and taking the trash out and doing the dishes without needing to be asked and/or letting it pile up, then he can choose his bedtime. If he wants it, make him earn it.

Best wishes,

J.

well, my 12 year old put me thru hell. its gotten better know. but i have always stood my ground. i'm the mean mommy. i dont really like being the mean mommy but i know he will appreciate it when he's older. i dont know alot about your situation. is the father in the picture. is he in 6th grade now. because 6th grade was a major transition for him. now he is in 7th grade and his grades are where they should be and we have a better relationship than last year. it was so bad even at school that they recommended counseling, which he got thru the school. that helped alot. he took anger managment thru the school that helped too. his father is in and out of his life. his father went 5yrs with no contact and now the end of november will mark 2yrs of no contact. there are alot of things that can enfluence thier behavior. and unfortunately since we as mothers are the ones there, we are the ones that get lashed out upon and disrespected because our sons cant lash out on the ones they are really angry at. kids show stress in different ways than we do as adults. your not alone this is about the age when it starts. they are testing thier limits and you have to let them no know what thier limits are. put your foot down and keep it down are you will really have your hands full when they get older.

when my son gets in trouble i will usually take something away from him that he really enjoys (like game) and it makes a bigger impact if what is taken away actually gets taken out of the room until they gain it back. i dont really ground him from outside much. its harder on both of us when he is stuck in the house, and i think the social aspect of being with friends is important. it gives him someone to talk to when he cant talk to me. and i have a close relationship with his friends as well (i have them all on myspace) so they will tell me if something is going on thats really bothering him if its important. they actually told me one time when he was being bullied on the bus. my son didnt tell me, i had no clue. but that explained why he took a screw driver on the bus and got suspended, he was trying to defend himself. but i could go on and on about things i have gone thru with my son. i still count (1-2-3) whith him when he start back talking. that still kindof works. anyway. you'll get thru it. and good luck. it will get better.

Check out this site- it helped me out alot with my kids.

http://www.positivediscipline.com/parents/index.html

Dr Jane Nelson has a book specifically for working with teenagers. Her philosophy is based on mutual respect and communication. She always gives very real examples and ideas of how to handle things that come up.

Hope it helps. Just remember to make sure he knows he is loved, by spending time one on one with him and always respecting him no matter what. You can be firm and respectful at the same time.

A.