Hello ladies,
My DH and I have been blessed with 2 beautiful daughters, 4 years old and 16 months. However, they are completely wearing us out. They want to be entertained by us all the time. By the end of the night DH and I are both worn out and in a bad mood. The 4 year old is always in our face about coloring with her, playing ball with her, chasing her, etc. The 16 month old wants held constantly. If you are sitting down she climbs all over your head or sits in your lap. If you don't hold her she screams incessantly. So DH and I are starting to realize we need to put our foot down. But I guess we are afraid to become 'cruel' parents. We both had parents that never played with us. We were always told "go play" and shoved outside/into our rooms as kids. We both promised we'd never be the type of parents that didn't interact with our kids. Yet this is too much! We don't get 5 minutes to ourselves. What's a good amount of time to devote to playing? And as a side note, our kids have boxes of educational toys, videos, etc but they don't want to play it alone. Thanks for any and all advice!
We basically just set aside a specified amount of time...like I am going to color with you for 30 min but then I really need to go make dinner or read a book or whatever...Or you go start the movie and then I will come in to finish it with you. My daughter was a pretty clingy child also and never wanted to do anything alone sometimes it also helps to make a big deal about what they did "all by themselves"
You need to find a balance between never playing with your kids and always playing with your kids. Please remember you are not your kid's friend, you are their parents. No one else can be their parents. Being the parent means having rules, expectations, and boundaries. At times it is exhausting holding to the rules, etc. Kids do better when they have boundaries and know where those consistent boundaries are. If they learn now about your boundaries it will make the teenage years easier. You can't suddenly establish boundaries when they are teens when they never had them before.
The two of you need to decide when will you play with the kids. When you are doing certain activities, i.e. cooking, doing the dishes, watching your favorite show this is not play time with you. I think you need to think about what being a "cruel" parent means. Saying no to your child is not cruel. Abusing your child is cruel. I believe our job as parent is to teach our children the rules of society. If we don't teach them, who will? For example, climbing all over someone who doesn't want it, is not ok. What happens when she wants to climb all over her friend. It won't be see as ok. Again I think this is about balance. Good luck!
Whenever I need a minute or two for me, I always tell DS (2.5 yo) that it's "mommy's turn" for a minute. And then I tell him that when I'm finished I will come and do 'x' with him...whatever he wants.
Usually after a few times, he'll go entertain himself and wait for me.
But it's important to actually follow through and go do what you promised once you're finished. Then they can understand that you're not just putting them off. You're just taking your turn to "play" with "mom stuff".
Get some books about raising kids---there are literally hundreds, all with useful info. Your wanting to be hands-on parents is great, but you have the tails wagging the dogs here. Kids need, no,CRAVE, rules and boundaries. It makes them feel safe and secure to know what will happen every day. Since you have one already 4, she's old enough to talk to about this. Get her a sticker chart, and give her rewards and praise for every little thing she does, like brushing her teeth, getting dressed, trying a new food, picking up her toys, anything. This will get her excited about doing things ,and she'll seek the praise more and more. Then, you can put things on her chart like playing with the baby while you put in a load of laundry, or coloring for 10 minutes alone. You and hubby need to think of yourselves not only as loving parents, but as teachers. Life is about following rules, being responsible for your actions, and being a nice person, so start teaching your kids, not just babysitting them and doing whatever they want. You need to expect more of yourselves. None of it comes "naturally" ----that's why we rely on experts for guidance.
I too hate being crawled all over. But dont parent out of guilt. They have this sick-sense I swear... LOL. They know how to manipulate you with the crying...she has learned that when she cries you come running. Dont do that. I let my 16 month old cry and throw herself around. I watch her out of the corner of my eye to make sure she doesnt hurt herself but I dont give her that attention from doing negative things. She will literally throw herself down and bang her head and pull her own hair to see if Im going to react. I just dont. Then Idistract her with her toys. I will show her her toys and then walk away. and shes fine.
Just keep putting your foot down. You also have to explain to them that climbing all over you is unacceptable. And then redirect them to their toys.
You can decide how much time you want to play with them a day. Whether it be watching a video or drawing or coloring. SupperNanny has a great trick in getting your kids to play. You and her start on a project and then you walk away so you can get stuff done.
I would go to supernanny.com and see what she recommends. Find the videos to watch. With my 16 month old I have used so many of her tools and they work like a charm.
Good Luck! You can do it... * BIG HUG*
You've got some tough ages to deal with right now.
Agree with a set time limit on how much you will color with your 4 yr old. Set a timer and when the time is up, tell her she can continue on her own if she wants but Mommy has other things she needs to do now.
My son wanted to be held fairly constantly till he was about 2-3 years old (my arms got SO strong from lifting/carrying him) and then he wanted to be a bit more independent.
Remember, this won't last forever. In 10 years time you'll be dealing with teenagers and wishing they were small again. You'll get through this.
I think an hour each of undivided would be quite enough - I have a 2.5 year old, and she will play by herself a good bit, but I try and play with her for an hour, she very rarely plays in her room though, both my kids like to be in the middle of the action, and bring their toys in the living room, so really you are still playing with them then, even though you may be doing other stuff, they can still bring it to you for your comment.
My daughter has a dolls house, little people one, which she will play alone with for a long time. Also when your yongest is a bit older, a shallow bath with lots of pouring toys gives me 45 mins!
Your kids are both too young to know how to play alone much yet, especially the 16-month-old, who's barely out of being an infant. And the four-year-old wants to interact with you. Is that really bad? You can teach her to play alone more by doing some playing with her and being fully and happily engaged when you ARE with her, then being firm but kind, and setting her up with something interesting to do, when that timer goes off and you have to move to the next thing.
I'n not clear if the kids are seeing you and DH both mostly at night/after work? Are they in day care? If so, they might be wanting to see you both just because they haven't been with you during the day. Nothing wrong with day care, it just means they are so ready to visit with you and like to see you.
Of course the adults do need down time and time to get things done. One poster said that if you're cooking or doing dishes etc. it's not play time, but I differ. Your four year old is at the perfect age for you to set her up with some pots and pans and plastic spoons in the kitchen and let her "cook" alongside you on the floor, or let her wash the plastic containers once you're done washing the other dishes, etc. Sure, there will be splashes and a wet floor, but you might be surprised how she'll be happy to wipe up water with paper towels if mom's attitude is positive and happy: Wow! Can you be a big girl and wipe up that water? Great job!
Yep, it makes things take longer, but believe me, in a very few years she will not want to play with you, and the chance to interact with her like this will be gone for good.
There's no ideal "good time to devote to playing." It depends on the kids and the parents' needs too. Play time does help you get to know them as people and whether they're artsy, imaginative, analytical, physically outgoing. And once the 16 month old is a bit older, they will keep each other amused much more than they can right now, which will be a big help to you. In short...to me this isn't a bad behavior/discipline/"weak" parents issues. It's normal for kids to want parents' attention and for kids this young to not be able yet to go in a room and be told, "Go play." If you send them off alone, do give them some ideas and set out some toys and get them going.
The definition of being a parent has so changed from the past days. Not all done in the old days was bad. The saying "Children should be seen and not heard" didn't do much for parenting today and was harsh and turned many of todays parents to the other extreme. It was a bit harsh but the idea was that children did not control the whole house or event or whatever. They are part of the family not THE family. I think structure is so needed with children and when they know a schedule, not rigid but something to know what to expect, it's so much easier. I would say 'now it's time for you to play in your room' and do it. They will catch on after much fussing and it will be so much more peaceful for all of you. Kids need time to play alone sometimes too. You need time alone with your husband and children feel so much more secure when they see mom and dad loving each other and respecting each other and spending time together even. There is time to play together, time to play alone, time for mommy to do things with the house, time for mom and dad alone, etc. You are not cruel doing that. It's teaching them they are important but not in charge of everything. It's teaching them to share and work alone. You'll all be so much happier if you do this. Even the 16 month old can learn to play with toys alone for a short time while you and your husband have some time alone. If bedtime is not at a regular time that is something you can do too and put them down and then have a quiet time alone with your husband. Try it and see if all aren't happier.
I didn't read all your responces, but I agree with what MandA M said. I always explain to my 4 year old... I need to do "this" and then we can play cards.. etc. I am a full time working mom, so I also have the guilt of always wanting to play with them when I can, so I don't have a lot of advice for you except time.... Mine where the same as yours at that age, but they are now my oldest it 4yrs & 10 months and my younger dauther is 2 yrs & 5 months and they have REALLY started playing great together. I say give it 10 more months and your will be the same as mine, the younger wants to play with big sister and the big sister loves being the "mommy type" which give me free time to make dinner!!
My daughter went through the same thing and either I felt guilty for telling her no, or I felt stress over the things I "should" have been doing while I was playing with her. What worked really well for us is that I started saying "I can play with you for 5 (or 10) minutes, and then I need to do some other things." This way, I was able to truly devote quality time with her, so she felt satisified, and I didn't feel rushed because I knew it was just going to be 5 or 10 min.
Be warned that it may get to the point where you play for 5 minutes, and then 10 minutes later, she wants you to play again. That's when you set a timer-- 5 minutes play time, 15 minutes for you to do what you need to do.
Also, see if your 4yo would like to "teach" your 16mo. "Sister just LOVES it when you show her new things! Would you like to teach her how to put this ball in the bucket?" (etc.)
My friend is a teacher and is just brilliant at "managing" children. My daughter wanted my friend to play, so while my friend and I were sitting at the table talking, my friend would say "I like to play with dolls. Do you have any that you could show me?" and my daughter would run off to find some. Then my friend kept asking her questions to get her to go get something or do another task: "Does she have any other clothes? How do you put them on? Can you show me? What do you feed your doll?" When I just can't spare a few minutes (making dinner or whatever), I try to think about what I can ask my daughter so I can still be engaged with her, but she will go off and do things on her own for a minute or so at a time.
Good luck. They really will become more independent before you know it. Just remember, it's about the quality of the time you spend together more than the amount. So if you're fully present with them, even if it's just for 5 minutes, they'll still benefit from that, and you'll be a lot happier too.
I found out that a lot of toys that meant to be educational become educational only if a parent is there to guide the play. Otherwise the toy becomes just another banging object :) FYI same goes for test preps, educational materials, science projects,etc... when your girls get older...
So, you are doing a great job playing with your kids. It is hard, yes... nobody said that parenthood is easy... and you want your girls to be close to you when they grow up and to be smart and well balanced, don't you?
My older son was like that when he was little - constant attention was required... he is 13 now and now makes his bed for a hug (I turned it around ). My second, 4 y/o, is a little better (or it seems better after the first one ). But he can only play unsuperwised for about 20 min at the time, not every day.
It is normal for kids to be attached to the parent, they know that you are strong, smart, funny and want to bask in the light of your sun :) That is how they learn and grow and become secure.
I would suggest to make the play more educational with a 4 y/o so it will be more iteresting to you. We do maizes, find the difference pictures, figure out what doesn't belong, building blocks and see if they can ballance...etc.
Another suggestion is to enroll 4 y/o in sports, you will get some time off :) and she will blow off a lot of steam. My 4 y/o is dead tired after swim, gymnastics and skating.
I think you are doing a great job. It makes you tired. Nothing lasts forever. One day you will wave goodby to the yopungest girl when she goes to college and will remember those days with tears in your eyes. Just have some perspective, strength and wisdom.
All the best to you both.
This is an age and personality thing. Our son who is 6 was always like this - wanting us to play with him - until he started Kindergarten. He was constantly clinging to me or asking me to do x or y with him when he was younger. Now he's in 1st grade and he is always busy playing with neighborhood friends or doing his own thing. He really changed in the last year and a half. His sister who is 1 has this totally different personality. She has always played well by herself. She will sit and do her own thing for 30-40 minutes! And she's just a baby! It's amazing to me. Maybe you can start trying to get your son to do his own thing for a little while each evening. Talk to him about how it's important for mom and dad to get some time together too. Praise him like crazy when he does!
