Feeling Guilt for Not Playing with My 5 Year Old

I'm with you, I was never into this kind of play with my kids, who are close enough in age to play together but haven't always liked the same games. I never played with my parents when I was a kid, that's not what they were for, and it seems strange to me that parents now are expected to be entertainers, when the kids' imagination flourishes just as well (if not better!) when they are not relying on parent participation.

Options: set a timer for 10 or 15 minutes, or even just say "i will play your game for 10 minutes, then I have to go do X and you need to play on your own..." Often times they do better then they get a burst of your attention, then can continue on alone. I would also suggest brainstorming ideas with him -- how can you play this great imaginative game on your own? Pretend that you are Luke searching for Leia on the ship, hide something to be her and go find her... or something. Action figures and Legos are great stand ins for full-body play, and he can set up scenarios the same way.

I think you are doing great, and don't think you should feel guilty for not playing more. But you can help him manage his feelings about it (talk about what else to do besides going behind the couch and crying), and help him find ways to have creative fun with less parent participation.

5 moms found this helpful

My 5 y/o is like this too. I do the other stuff but "pretend" play mostly makes me nuts. You are not alone and not a bad mom :)

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I don't really enjoy "buzz lightyear and zurg" games either, but my son loves to play them with me or his Dad so we do it. Means the world to him, and after a bit it's really fun : ). I agree, at this age kids want to and should use their imagination to "play" it's just as important for their development as the more formal learning. Balance is key. You do a great job interacting w/ him all day long, maybe just swap a book once in a while for Star wars. Ask him to show you how to play and follow his lead. See where it goes and enjoy.

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I posted this same question a few months ago. My DD also just turned 5 and some days will pass and I think WOW- I hardly played with her at all. We also run around doing errands, storytime and such- and we too read, read, read. But mommy does not really like barbies and baby dolls all day everyday! I have explained to her that I have mommy things to do while she plays and I do drop in and play with her for a bit but I usually break it up thru the day. 10-15 minutes here and there throughout the day. She plays pretty good by herself but she also guilts me by saying "nobody ever wants to play with me" We do have days that I devote to playing and nothing else- and we really do have fun on those days. Its just not possible everyday. Let the guilt go and let a little cleaning and laundry go every now and then too. I dont want to rush my daughter off but I cant wait til she starts K- she is a very active, non stop little girl and she loves to be busy all day. She loves going to school and she will really enjoy it! Good luck and dont be too hard on yourself. There arent many moms out there that are spending all day on the floor playing with their kids. You are not alone :)

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He's asking you to "play" and you should! "Learning activities" do not equal play- in a couple of months he'll be in school and you won't have the opportunity to drop everything and have a light saber battle.

When my son asks us to play, unless there's something absolutely "essential" going on, we stop and PLAY- he directs it and we go with it. Last night, I was "Jessie", my husband was "Woody", our son was "Buzz" and the cat was "Bullseye". Interesting to me? Nope- but after 20 minutes of playing, we were cuddled with a book.

He's asking to play, so do it. The books and "activities" are great too, but a child's most natural expression is during play time.

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LOL! It sounds like your doing great. I wont play Barbies either... Its just not that fun anymore. ;)

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I feel your pain. When my daughter was around that age, she wanted me on the floor, playing My Pretty Pony. All day. Ugh. I ended up telling her that I wasn't very good at that kind of playing. We'd either divert to something that wouldn't turn my adult brain to mush, or I'd ask her to teach me how she liked to play with the ponies. And since she always wanted my undivided attention for longer than I could give it to her, I invited her into my world. I showed her all the things that I needed to do during a day. Whenever possible, I let her help me do them, even if it slowed us down. And of course, sometimes I just needed to tell her no and let her deal with her disappointment. I was so glad when she learned to read, because suddenly she discovered that she could entertain herself!

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it sounds like you do spend a lot of time with him,,, however, think in terms of a 5 year old.. they like to actually play make believe things... oh books and puzzles are fine.. but let's face it.. kids like to run around and be imaginative.. as for him making you feel guilty.. he isnt making you... he is just being a kid... you're trying to cater what you like to do to him, when at times, you have to compromise and do what he wants (As long as it's safe) my son was the same way.. when I wasn't actually doing the activities that he enjoyed the most, then I wasn't playing with him.. playing and giving attention are two different things.. parents think in terms of "Attention" children think in terms of "playing" .... he is too young to understand the difference but you aren't... I would get him involved with other kids his age so that he can in fact get some of what he considers play time ... once you do that, then maybe he will feel better and be ok with educational type you have planned for him. as for being resentful.. you are putting way too much responsibility on him for how you feel... again, he is just being a kid and that's a good thing..

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I have actually told my son that dads are for playing with and moms are for hugging!! I don't like to play rough so he doesn't think I'm any fun to play with anyway. I've made sure we have friends in the neighborhood and we go in the driveway and play every afternoon. I sit in a lawn chair in the shade while they play. Don't get me wrong. I play certain things. Sometimes I turn down the lights and turn up the stereo and we have a dance party in the living room. We do a popcorn dance in the kitchen when I'm making microwave popcorn. We bake together. And I work with him on his basketball and soccer ball handling skills in the front yard. I might even jump on the trampoline now and then. But I'm not playing Star Wars either. I wouldn't begin to know how to! I wouldn't be doing it right either. I don't know how I would deal with what you are going through. Maybe set up more playdates with other kids. Take him to church and with you when you work out so he can go to the daycares and play with other kids. If there isn't a dad to roughouse with him and play fantasy games, maybe you could look into the big brothers program. I know my son needs to go 100 miles an hour. So we play a lot of sports. It's a great outlet and good for socialization. We do ymca soccer, basketball, t-ball. It's not a big time commitment. Just twice a week. 1 practice and 1 game.

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bat man and star wars can be fun if you loosen up and enjoy your imagination. with my oldest if he wanted to play star wars you can sit on the couch and watch tv and tell him your in a space vehicle they never know the diffrence. just do a few whoos and revs and say watch out for that star :)

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To Julie L. who recommends having children closer together - maybe not everyone can have children when they want them?? Ever think of that?

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let him be in charge of the "play"... I know with my daughter (just turned 6) she doesnt equat my time with her as play unless I am doing something she is planning...like barbies or ponies, whatever...

If you need a break, tell him mommy needs a rest and set an amount of time, then if he leaves you be to rest then he gets to pick the activity after you rest.

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My son started kindergarten this year and I probably play with him about an hour a day now, because that is usually all he wants to play after school/play date/reading time. But last year when he was home more, I probably played with him about 3 hours a day. If he ever complained that I was doing it wrong, etc, I would immediately stop play because in our family you have to be polite to someone if you want them to play with you.

My husband would also play with him for an hour or so daily after he came home from work. Or we will play as a family group for part of that time. Usually our play is legos/pretend play/hide and seek. 15 minutes at a time sounds like it might be frustrating for the kid; you would just barely have started when it's time to quit. Two thirty minute sessions might be better.

I also try to have at least one day a month that is my son's special day; where anything he wants (within reason) I will try my best to grant, whether it is tons of play time, going to the library, or whatever. He loves this and it puts him in a good, non-demanding mood for about a week afterward.

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My question is for you is why is he not in kindergarten? if he's five he probably needs a different outlit than what you can provide him at home. Also this is why it is always good to have a children close together, a 5 year old needs a playmate (Not an adult playmate) my two sons are now 27 and 24, and they always played together, then my third child was born when my oldest was in kindergarten, but she and her other brother played together. If not school see about play groups. J.

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It does sound like you are a very hands-on parent. I think what may help is having a couple of playdates for him throughout the week so that he will have someone to do the imignary play with. He may try to control his friend's play also but this is all part of the negotiating that kids need to learn how to do anyway.

The 'educational' activities aren't play to your 5 year old. They are learning when they play Star Wars too-take a couple days a week to play the way he wants to. I don't particularly like to play Polly Pockets with my 4 year old, but I do-although she has to tell me what to do, because apparently I don't do it right! :) Maybe you could tell him you want to learn how to play Star Wars and could he teach you?

My initial response is "get him a playmate"!

I go through the same thing. It is hard to find time for everything and everyone. What I find helps is to allow my kids lots of playdates and other stimulating activities, that way I can still be around and provide snacks, play a little, etc, but when I walk away for 30 minutes my little ones are OK with that since they have someone else to play with! Good luck to you, you sound like a wonderful mama!