Depression or Anxiety Problem

First of all, kudos to you for reaching out for help. You've received some great ideas already, in particular the encouragement to seek professional help. You will help your family the most by helping yourself first. It's important to find a way to relieve your anxieties about your children. As you have already noted, you have started making your 6-year-old anxious when she doesn't need to be. Ask your gynecologist for a referral to some therapists/psychologists, etc. who focus on women's issues and try several until you fid someone you feel comfortable with. If your anxieties are that deep, you may need to take meds, too. That is an OKAY approach; it doesn't mean you are a lesser person. It means that you are strong enough to want to solve your problems and move forward.

All of your children except the baby are old enough to pitch in to help you do some of the household chores. You can turn making dinner into family time by finding ways to involve them, choosing menus, cooking all or part of the menu, just keeping you company and trading stories about what happened today or about what you did when you you were their age -- you get the idea.

You have a lot on your plate with school sports alone. Something may have to give unless you again find a way to involve the others in what you do to make something big. If you can find a way to include them you will be building memories of what they did for each other as well as teaching them skills they can use when they are on their own -- they'll remember to buy or make a card for someone's birthday, or send an ecard without your reminding them. They will be better adults for having helped you. You can even sit down with the older two and talk about how you feel overwhelmed and ask for their input. You might be surprised at their suggestions -- at the very least, they will appreciate your honesty. You can sit separately with your 6-yr-old -- maybe chat while she's getting ready for bed -- just keep it simpler for her. Sharing your feelings will empower her if done calmly, and should reassure you that she's fine without you during the day.

Sounds like you don't like your job, but in today's world, we have to take what we have and make the most of it. Talking about that as part of your therapy might help. Good luck to you -- go quickly and get help.

Hi M.,
I know that not everyone loves being a working mom like I do. However, feelings of depression and anxiety are more than just being overwhelmed by the balancing act. Constant thoughts and fantasies about bad things happening to your children is a sign of depression/anxiety. This is a medical condition and should be evaluated/treated by a medical doctor. If you're going overboard with the safety to the point that it scares your child, you need the help.
It sounds like you do an awful lot, and sometimes it's necessary to simplify your lifestyle. When I had a baby and a 4 year old, and was in a commuter marriage, I hired a teenager for a couple of hours a week to help out with some chores. It was pretty inexpensive and a big help. I was lucky that our sitter was close to home, and I could come home for 15 minutes, prep dinner, empty dishwasher, etc before getting the kids. Life can be simplified by limiting kids to one extra curricular activity - you can make yourself crazy if you do 2 sports, music lesson, scouts ... simplfying the birthdays is good too - an outing with a few good friends. I always refused to make birthday parties at my house, I'd rather pay to have it someplace where someone else does the setting up, cleaning up, etc.
Good luck M., and please contact your regular doctor - if you wouldn't let yourself suffer with any other medical condition, don't let yourself suffer now when there are options for you to feel better.

I recommend counseling to EVERYONE who is having ANY difficulites. Personally myself I have spoken to a counselor but for only one session - however, just that one session did wonders for me at the time! I think your worry sounds serious enough to be concerned about true anxiety. My son is only two but I have started worrying - mainly b/c you just hear of such HORRIBLE stories in the news or in life and I just can't take it...so I've tried to AVOID hearing about it. I don't need anything to fuel my natural worries. Thats how I am handling it right now - so you need to find a way to handle your worries. Its not healthy to be that worried and it may continue to a point where it starts taking over your life more and more.

Working full time - IT TOTALLY SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!! I have been doing it since was my son was 10 weeks old...but I try to find the good and the bad in our life situation and I try to focus on the good. When I am home with my son I just focus on him - yes I somehow manage to get everything else done in some seriously creative ways and during the late or early hours. I have to work though. I am lucky (I tell myself anyway) that I work close to home, I work for a good company with good health benefits, which is serious in these economic times, I have flex time and I have a fairly understanding manager...i also tell myself that its JUST A JOB and if I really had to tend to family matters and work wasn't understanding - then they could just take this job and shove it - as the song goes! haahaa!

Life is overwhelming and can create some serious mental issues on us. I too like to make birthdays and holiday and everything a big deal..but then I try not to worry so much about dirty dishes or my son drinking milk from a big cup and making a mess...those things can be cleaned and forgotten. I basiclaly just try to put life in perspective and I've really been working on trying to not feel sorry for myself or compare my life to others who seem to have it so much easier - not saying you are doing but...but maybe just changing your perspective and taking control and changing that which you can will help you. I have stay at home mom friends who are just as crazy as I am about life - so its good to know that WE ALL have issues at times! : )

M.,
This reminds me of how I felt last winter, except I wasn't even working. Turns out it was post-partum depression. I didn't get it until my son was 9-10 months old...I thought it was too late to get PPD. But it wasn't. My solution involved returning to work, but more importantly talking to my doctor. Just because you didn't feel this way with you first doesn't mean you won't or can't with a different child.

Maybe you are just feeling guilty or overwelmed, but it can't hurt to talk to someone. Please feel free to contact me if you would like. If extreme anxiety is making you loose sleep and feel out of control you can get help.

My thoughts go out to you,
J.

http://www.nj.gov/health/fhs/postpartumdepression/index.s...

NJ PPD hotline:1-800-328-3838

Hi,

I completely understand how you feel. I have a five year old daughter, and I am a single mother. The mornings are so tough getting ready and then getting her ready for school. I've been doing this for three years now and before Kindergarten it was day care, which made me feel even worse. They are such long days and then when I pick her up, its 6PM and its dinner, bath, homework and bed by 8. Every day at work, I sit here feeling extremely guilty and every night after 8 I am filled with guilt and anxiety. But I have to keep in mind she has a solid roof over her head, the bills are being paid and she has people in her life that love her very much. Things could be alot worse for us. Best of luck to you, and try and write down five things that will keep you remembering why things are "good" for your children. It does help.

M.,

Do you absolutely need the money from your job? Can you go to part time? Can you go to working from home? Can you quit (or get creative with medical/leave for 6 months to see how it will go? )

These feelings are NORMAL!

You might, however, want to get counseling for you re: "Dad is nothing like me," and "Dad could care less we are..." Those right there spell bad news for your babies in coming years - if YOU are upset now, think how it would be if you didn't have the emotional fortitude to cope with what life may bring in any respect.

You owe your babies a Mom who is TOGETHER. If you need a job for whatever reason, self-esteem, career, money, that's fine. But keeping the rest of your life together is important too.

Good luck, hope you can continue to make life fun for your babies - and YOU!

M.

Hi M.-

Boy do I relate!! I work full time as well- have a 1 and 4 yr old. I do maintain a "balance" sort of, however I struggle with feeling that I do nothing really really well- I'm not great on my job because I make career choices based on freeing up my time to be home more- that really, really hurts my career. I feel like I'm not a great mom because of all the reasons you list- barely getting time w. my kids, etc. I feel like I'm not a great homemaker because my house is always a mess. So what I'm focusing on now is to accept this as reality. It totally doesn't meet my expectations of life but I really don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling bad about it, so am trying to adjust and seek joy in these circumstances.

About fear- I totally totally TOTALLY relate. Before having kids I was so clueless. Now I am beyond shocked and horrified by what you hear. I really think there's something seriously wrong with this world- men in particular, because of what's going on. These thoughts often prevent me from finding that joy, but again I'm trying to adjust. I used to avoid the subject as a coping mechanism- now I plan to take action. For now I donate to the Center for Missing and Exploited children- not a lot, but every little bit counts. One day I plan to take more action- I dont' know what but I can't do nothing- the fear is too huge and personally I do feel it's justified. This is an F-d up world run by men and they've done a really really bad job. They should not be in control- no freaking way. (raising my voice is also a constructive action- I highly recommend it!!) BTW- if you'd like to talk off line please contact me directly, perhaps we can support and inspire each other on this issue.

This may help you let yourself off the hook- the expectation most of us have been raised with- to be at home w. our kids with lots of leisure time while someone else provides financially- is based on a very short period of time, ie the post-WW II economy. The middle class had never had it so good- and never since. Prior to that most women worked- either out of the house or in the house. And home-women worked their BUTTS off taking care of umpteen kids (no birth control) cleaning, cooking (no electricity), no rights, etc. Prior to the 1930s & 40s the only mothers with lots of leisure time were the uber-wealthy. The majority labored, labored labored. They certainly did not sit and play with their kids. Maybe on christmas but even then- probably not. So let youself off the hook!! In a sense, this is how it's always been for most women. And compared to that, it's still pretty good.

So- I have no answers about eliminating many of the problems you mentioned, but some hopefully useful suggestions as to how to transform them into positive energy. It's the only way because the situation, for me at least, isn't changing any time soon!!
Good luck and please write again!!

Sincerely,
S. J.

ps- about errands, etc.- I have ripped shades on my windows- litterally ripped along the bottom, looks like a big tear- horrible!! But I just don't have time to do the whole window treatment thing, or even measure/run to the store for replacement $5 cheapy shades. So they've been there for more than a year and I just have to ignore it- that's one of many many things that I never expected to have to live with but you can NOT do it all and to H with anyone who has a problem with it (easier said than done LOL!!!!!)

Hi M.,

I totally understand your anxiety. I'm a single mother of twins & work full time as well. It's hard to leave them, especially if they cry...I feel guilty. I call my mom or the sitter at lunch to check on them (depending on who has them that day). I also feel like I get home only to put them to bed an hour or so later. Like you, I worry a lot. I wonder how they're doing when they're with their father two days a month (father of the year!). I worry about them at night & check on them when I get up at night to use the bathroom. I worry about flying off on vacation...(what if the plan crashes & we never see each other again?...who will take care of them? Hopefully not their loser father!...how will they get on without me?) I am on meds & exercise. The meds seem to help me relax more. I think you should speak with a psychiatrist. I'm not calling you crazy, so please don't take it that way. Maybe they can just do talk therapy, or put you on meds temporarily.

Take care,
A.

I feel exactly like you. Here is what I suggest, and have been doing, to a degree.

Definitely make enough for leftovers every time you cook. I know I end up with leftovers of meat, but then still need to make side dishes... but the other day I made a giant ziti that served as a side dish for 3 days, so I literally didn't have to cook for a couple days. Order pizza or chinese another night. That should save you at least 3 nights of cooking a week.

Also, pack all your weekend errands into one day. Make sure you have nothing planned for the other day except your kids. That is the most improtant errand of all.

Last, don't do chores that your husband needs done. If the dry cleaning is HIS clothes, don't do it... if he needs it, he'll do it. I have let my house become a disaster and you know what... my hubby really stepped up. When the dishes sink gets so gross that he is afraid of bugs, he does the dishes. and when his work clothes isn;t clean, he does the laundry. It's that simple. Sure, I am still in charge of the chores like sweeping, mopping and scrubbing cuz he would never notice if those things were done or not. But the chores he can't avoid, he just does.

I hope that helps. You really do need to spend that time with your babies. I am still trying to make it work too... i get home at 6:00 and my daughter is in bed by 8. I don't even see her in the morning because I leave for work before daycare opens. It sucks... but those are the few things I do to make the time I do have focused more on her and less on chores.

Another thing.... bath time is quality time. I play with my daughter and let her splash around and I am really silly with her. It's my favorite time of night with her. don't think of it as a chore... have fun.

I think every mom that works feels this way....I know I do. Here are some suggestions..you can try one or a combination. I am type A and it helped me:-) It think organization is key....

1. IF you can afford it, have someone do the cleaning once every other week or once a month. I am an extremely clean person with two kids but I find once every other week is fine and I just wipe down the bathrooms and sweep up the crumbs in between.
2. Have your husband help with some of the items
3. There is going to be homework, cooking and baths at night so not much you can do about that. However, think of homework as family time and have fun with it.
4. Get a crock pot. Seriously. On Sundays, cook enough for Sunday night dinner and then leftovers for another night (lets say Tuesday). Now do pasta - a quick good meal- with Sauce on Mondays (jarred is fine). Then Wednesday and Thursday use your crock pot....pile a bunch of items in the crock pot early morning before you walk out door, turn on the timer, it will cook for 10-12 hours and you have a nice hot meal ready when you come home. Quick clean up as well.
5. Plan your meals out for the week on the weekend when you go grocery shopping and write down on a chalk board what you are having each night of the week so you dont have to think about it during the week
6. which brings me to my next item....get a chalk board and put it in kitchen. It helps keep a running tab of grocery items
7. Grocery shopping sucks but if you have a running list during week and a specific list when you go in store, you can get through it quickly
8. Wash- put a load in the washer every other morning before you go off to work. Have your sitter put it in the dryer for you. IF she can fold it for you as well, great. If not, folding is something you can do while siting on the floor with your kids and socializing.
9. Errands and to do.....use that chalkboard to post a to do list to it with a magnet. Change your mindset and say you will get one (maybe two) done each weekend. Thats it. No more. Things can wait. Cross them off as you go.
10. If you can go part time, go part time. If not, see if you can do 4 10 hour days and take Friday off. But I think if you do some of the 1-9 above, it may help.

These are just some suggestions.

Selling your house is temporary...think of how much time you will have after that is done!

and yes, you can also talk to someone. That will help.

Dear M.,you don't need a shrink ,the problem is that it is hard to be a women because we have to do everything with no help from the husband specially when you are different.I am sure you are a wonderful mom you just need to try to take it easy and believe in the goodness of things,enjoy life ,enjoy and take care of your self too because stress is not good for you.I always wonder about my daughter but i know i can only do so much i enjoy today with her and tomorrow is another day,i also believe in god,i am sure your children are fine,so take care of yourself for them.I also think that you are dealing with another problem other than the kids reason why you are sad even when u are with them, may be u need to clear out what ever holding you so you can find peace.LOL

hello M.:
I fell for you. I am a social worker and have a few friends who are therapist. I really think you do need professional help. I t seems like you are suffering from axiety. They is nothing wrong with seeing a strink, I did for about a year the best thing I ever did. Good luck.

such great/useful responses here already. So to supplement:

joanna macy's book

Coming Back to Life: Practices to Reconnect Our Lives, Our World (NSP, 1998)

I found interesting in regards to connection of our feelings of pain and anguish regarding the state of the world and our role in it with our families.

I think you're just overwhelmed with having to work but wanting to spend time with your kids. It's perfectly normal and unfortunately unless you hit the lotto for several million you're stuck working like the rest of us.

I'd suggest maybe taking some time to think about all the positive stuff going on in your life right now. Instead of seeing everything you're missing out on try to see everything you have going your way. It looks like you have a lot going on in the evenings. Maybe you could try doing all your cooking on the weekend so that you just have to pop stuff in the microwave during the week which will leave you a little more time with the kids.

It sounds like you are trying too hard to be perfect. First you said all you do on weekends is clean, shop and cook. What does your husband do? Do your steps live with you? They are old enough to do chores too. And if your rug needs vacuuming..so what? Go to the park instead. Throw the laundry in the washer and run outside and play catch or tag.
Sit Madison at the table for her homework while you are cooking dinner. Tell dad to bathe David. Then after dinner PLAY with them, relax, do the dishes when they are sleeping. They wont remember big birthday parties, but will remember the fun they had with mom. They wont care if the house is clean, but will care if they are being shoved aside so the dishes are washed. Make a schedule and stick to it. Schedule PLAY TIME FIRST.
As far as worrying about them when you aren't around, you have to mentally slap yourself and think happy thoughts when you have these bad ones. Sure bad stuff happens, but you cant anticipate every event and will make you and the kids nervous wrecks worrying about it.

M., go to your dr and explain thing to him/her.talk to your boss see if you guys can change your work schedule. this might help. tell the babysitter thank you . do a 8am to 4 pm job.cook dinner for the children ,give them baths ,play for a while.this will help. if it doesnt help you need to find something else to do. run a day care or work from home.thats what i do is work from home. i spend all my time with my girls and husband. if you work a mon fri job see if you can have fri off and the weekend with the kids.seriously. if i can be over more help look me up H.

Hi M., It is so natural for you to be concerned about your children. These days so many moms must work when they would rather be home. Sounds like you have a great sitter so you need not worry but you do. I stay with my grand children while my daughter works and she struggles with the same issues/ not enough time with them and also coming home stressed. Try to let go and enjoy the time you do have. Get in touch during the day to be sure they are all right. Worrying will not prevent and most likely nothing will happen. I will pray that you find a way to work less so you can be with them more. If you think you need to see someone then you should. My best, Grandma Mary

Hi M.,

Here's a big hug to you... It's hard to be working full time with young children! No wonder you have all these mixed feelings, especially if you'd rather be home more.

Could it be that a lot of your anxieties and sadness come from a feeling of lack of control (I don't know what my children are doing during the day), guilt and fatigue more than anything else? You can't control what happens in your children's lives all the time... You're just learning this a little earlier than most. :-)

Let me try to give you some options/answers topic by topic:

Fatigue:
My guess, even you're not saying anything about it, is that you are not sleeping enough. Could you just let the house go a little bit, or hire help, so that you can get enough sleep? If you are tired, everything and everyone suffers (the saying "happy mothers make for happy families" is very true).

Time with your children:
I grew up with a working mom, and my experience is that what matters is not the amount of time you are with your children, but the quality of the time you spend with them. Why not look at the fact that they are fed and bathed by the time you come home as a blessing, something that allows you to just play and be with them until they go to bed? Take it from someone who does it every day, feeding and bathing the little ones is overrated as quality time... :-)

Anxiety about what could happen:
TV and magazines distort so much the real risks that it's no wonder you have those fears about your daughters. Get "Protecting the Gift", by Gavin de Becker; it will give you a real view of the risks your children have, and, most importantly, real, effective ways to protect them. It should lower your fears.
As for what would happen if you weren't with them... I wouldn't worry too much about it. parents who suddenly find themselves single parents have a way to step up to the plate. They may have different experiences with Dad, but they may feel very much loved too, just in a different way.

Is there any way you can reduce your hours? Have you run the numbers? Very often, when child care is factored into it, it's just as cheap to have Mommy home more...

I know this doesn't address everything you are feeling and experiencing, by far. Feel free to contact me directly if you want us to be more specific. I'm a productivity and work-life balance specialist, so I often see situations similar to yours, and there's usually a lot that can be done.

Big hug,
K.

Hi M.,

Please see your MD regarding your depression and anxiety. Once you get the intervention you need, You will be able to think more clearly. You may be able to reevaluate your job and find a creative way to reduce your hours or possibly change jobs so that you can have more time at home. I have been there!
Sarah

Hi M.,

First and foremost a Big ((HUG)) to you. I'm so sorry you feel this way. I too am a full-time working mom to a toddler and expecting as well. Recently have been super stressed with my daughters care...who by the is named Madyson as well :). I recently lost my babysitter and she's been bouncing from family members to my company's back-up day care for about 2 months now. She's only 15 months but I can tell this shift in her normal routine is affecting her. I can relate to your anxiety because as mothers we feel no one else can do what we do for our kids. But unfortunately we have to work in order to provide for them. It sounds that you have a very good babysitter and someone you've trusted for a while. Be thankful for that, because from what you are saying it sounds like she's doing a wonderful job. As far as spending time with your kids, I can't really offer much advice because I struggle with the same thing. But sometimes I just come home, prop myself on the floor and sit and play with Madyson. I drop everything else for her and it just takes a back-seat. If the dishes can't get done, oh well. I do make sure I feed her dinner, but as for everything else, it doesn't matter. Yes, that may sounds irresponsible, but you need to spend time with them and keep your sanity. I would also have Dad help out. My husband is not big on taking initiative to do things, but when I tell him I've reached my limit and am at a breaking point, he starts to help out. Sometimes I've thought of quitting my job :/ but thats just as irresponsible.

Also is your employer flexible? Can you work some sort of flex schedule where you leave early one day a week or something? That may be an idea.

Sorry I couldn't much more advice but Hang in there :)
M.