Deleted Question - Thanks Anyway

My mom and I have a good relationship. We are close, but I have had to distance myself over the years. I grew up in a very "overprotective" environment. No mistakes were allowed. She had to know everything going on in my life. No privacy. It was hard, and still is. I have to be careful now of things that I tell her because she will throw in her advice/opinions whether I asked or not. Then if I don't do it "her" way, she is upset with me. I think mother/daughter relationships have to have boundaries, especially after marriage. We talk almost every day or every other day, but now I have realized through time that I tend to listen, more than share. I think this is because of the way I was brought up being so overprotective. If I do anything that she didn't do in her life, I am judged. Therefore I don't share everything that goes on in my life. We see each other about 4-6 times a month when she watches my children and for holidays and birthdays. Good luck!

I have a mentally ill father. Yes they can be draining but it is important for you to create and maintain healthy boundaries. Don't allow her mental state to roll over you and take you to a place where you are drained. Require things of her like seeking professional help. It should not be optional but mandatory.

Hang in there as best you can but it is critical for you maintain healthy boundaries and take the breaks you need because you need them for you. FYI - my father doesn't know where I live. If he did he would be at my house everyday (sometimes taking a cab to my home and expecting me to pay for that cab). I do go to visit him and he does have my work number so he can call me when I'm here. It is unfortunate but necessary for my mental and emotional health even though it may seem extreme to some.

One's own normal is their own specific situation. For me, my relationship with my mother has always been challenging and when I was young, I blamed myself. At least my mom convinced me that all the problems were my fault. Now that I am older and wiser, I know that all the problems are not me. I know that she suffers from being a "control freak" and if circumstances don't go exactly as she wants, instead of being considerate and thinking about another person, she ALWAYS plays the victim by either getting angry or crying. It's sad but I know she will never change.

I am relieved I am aware of the pattern. I know I can't change her and we spent more time apart now than ever before. It's really pretty sad. I really strive to not repeat the same pattern with my kids.

So, many of us, while not in the same situation have difficult relationships with our mom's. I suppose what I would do is journal about my own wants and needs and set up boundaries from there. And do a whole lot of letting go.

j

We're semi normal, I guess......she drives me nuts but I probably drive her nuts too.

Just wanted to mention that you may not want to discount a support group because they are normally led by a qualified leader who CAN answer your situation-specific questions.

Good luck!

p.s. Sometimes I think by the time we get our mothers figured out, they'll be gone & we'll have turned into them.... :)

My mom lives in the Netherlands so we see her once a year when we visit there. We speak on the phone weekly. My inlaws live in New Jersey and we see them for every major holiday and for summer vacation and my husband speaks to them at least weekly. If either of them lived closer and became a "child" to me I would go out of my mind. I would hate what you are describing, but understand the bind you are in. I think this requires outside help, either from the support group, a counselor or your minister. Like Alzheimer's care givers tend to die before their spouses, it sounds like you are the one ending up with all the stress. I would say it is indeed time to set some specific boundaries. Something like: we will see you for dinner or church every Sunday. If you are no longer there to provide all her social life she will have to find more to do on her own.

we aren't in that situation, so comparing your situation to ours might do more harm than good. you have to find your own normal. Normal for a person with that disorder is not going to resemble normal for anyone wihtout it. It sounds like you have a good handle on what you are willing to compromise on and what boundaries you are trying to set. And it sounds like she is trying, as well. I think there is a lot of positivity going on in your situation right now.
to answer your direct question, my mother passed, but I have an adult daughter. we get together for all holidays. we talk or at least text several times a week. We treat each other with the utmost affection and respect. Niether of us makes demands on each other or pops up uninvited. But I know if I ever need anything she will be 1st to show up, no questions asked and she knows the same about me. We are good friends, but I know that she doesnt share everything with me. ANd thats ok. I think our normal is pretty fantastic.

My mom is my best friend and I'm not sure that's normal.. actually my mother-in-law is my best friend too so I'm sure I'm in the like 2nd percentile :). I also live in a different state than my mom because my hubby is also in the military but it's seriously like a 45 min drive so yeah. I used to see my mom at least every other weekend.. when I was pregnant with #1 she came to most of my OB appointments because my husbands work schedule was always crazy. If she were in town we'd have lunch once a week and I talk to her every day on the phone, when my DD was in daycare and I had to work she'd pick her up, or she'd come to the house and we'd go together. We vacation at least twice a year with them (plus weekend trips to the lake) but other than her being silly when she drinks she's a really stable person.. I can totally understand what you're feeling and I think it would be good to set boundaries. After all, I'm around my mommy a lot because I want to be not because I have to be to make her feel happy, secure, etc. That would drive me CRAZY. Good luck and just remember you won't be doing your mom ANY good if you go crazy too :).

It might be a good idea to discuss this issue with a counselor or therapist, to see what is healthy in YOUR particular situation.

IMHO it will be hard to go by what other moms say here, mainly because the dynamic could be completely different (and in some instances may not be healthy either!).

If I were you I would trust myself and my own instincts. It sounds like you have your head on "straight" and can handle this. What does your husband say? He might be a good "barometer" too (so long as he's not dysfunctional himself).

Good luck and my heart goes out to you.

I don't think there is a "normal" just as with any relationship, you need to determine what works. I am sorry you and your Mom have to deal with this disorder. Sounds so difficult. Having said that, you sound like you know what you need - boundaries. It's ok and I think healthy to set them. You have yourself and family to care for and need a balance. You can do this lovingly. I had different boundary issues w/ my Mom and sought counseling to help me be comfortable with what I needed and not feeling like a "bad" daughter for wanting some space... Counseling really helped me sort it all out. If you have the means and the time, try it. Just for you to have a safe neutral place to work through the stress of all of it. Wish you the best.

I live with my mother...or I should say she lives with me. We have a loving but argumentative relationship. I know she loves me and she knows I love her. She doesn't like to talk things through. We are both stubborn. She has her own church and friends so that's not a problem. But living together, making her keep her things in order enough to be safe around children, keeping her medicine put up, not putting newspapers on top of the stove, and I could list 100 things that make me feel like I have to be her keeper. She is a great HELP too. Don't get me wrong. She does more right than wrong. I'm a worrier and I like to take many, many precautions to keep kids safe.

I can't imagine for one second that your mother is more of a burden than I sometimes feel like my mother is. This is your MOTHER. So I can't figuratively pat you on the head and tell you that your perfectly in the right to shove her to the side. You decide when you want to be together and when you don't.

If she wants to stand in the hall and wait, so what? If she runs into you at the store, tell her you are tired of her running into her. Hey, I get it. I spend my life training children how to be with me in the store and the ones too big for the cart run into me.

It sounds to me like you might have some of your own issues to work through too. WE ALL feel these things that we need to put into perspective. Not all of our feelings are right to have or right to act on. It's not wrong to feel something. But it's our job to find the right way to act or not act on those feelings.

Thats a tought question for me as mom mom lives in another town. But I do talk to her everyday, on my drive home from work. Ans Id like to say if she lived here that I probably wouldnt take her to all my kids practices and such. Invite her over once a week for dinner, invite to the kids recitals and things but tell her that the waiting room for practices isnt very large so maybe you should not attend these at the new studio. As far as church goes, maybe get in touch with a church near her and talk to the pastor, maybe he would be willing to send a group of ladies out to meet your mom and invite her to there church. Then tell your mom how wonderful that is to have her own group of friends. Without knowing and really understanding your moms issues, makes it hard to fully answer your question. Good luck and you sound like a great daughter.

Could your mom have or has she ever had a job? Even a easy job may help her socially and give you time to yourself.

As far as my relationship with my mom... We live an hour away from my parents. We talk on the phone once or twice a week. We go there or they come to our house about every other week. We share recipes. We go to their church when we are there. They come to our church when they visit us (same religion). Sometimes I'll make plans with friends that live in their town and they'll watch the kids (maybe twice a year). I don't know if any of this helps... Message me if you would like to know anything else. Good luck to you -i hope you find the answers you need.

*pulls out tookbox* Just kidding...

Not sure what your mom's issues are but my mom was a mental drain on me so I do get it. Like you I let it go too long so it hit the point where I wanted to spend no time with her. Over time I relaxed and she would do things with us only when invited.

This may seem harsh but your mental health comes before hers. Your kids need you.

I can't tell you what is normal because I don't think my relationship with my mother is normal but I can tell you that change is necessary for you as the resentment will grow and it will effect your other relationships. My mother is a very dependent person and I have spent way too much of my life enmeshed with her while every single other member of the family has moved out of state so I share your pain. In recent years, what I have set up (after decades of enmeshment) is that I speak with her daily via phone (this seems to help her immensely and only takes a few minutes). I usually call while I am doing something else, like driving or cooking so I don't feel so trapped. Plus there is a set end to it. Oh, I've arrived at the store, talk to you later. Oh, the timer just went off, our dinner is done, talk to you later! Sometimes now I forget to call and she survives it. I see her weekly plus holidays. If I am taking a trip, I tell her I can't make it this week. I have also set specific goals for myself that I share with her like "I need to work on my family relationships. This year, my goal is to take x weekend trips with my family." This is a good, non-judgemental approach to take with her when setting boundaries. Make it about you and your goals. Tell her it is your goal to spend more time alone with your daughter and build your relationship with her so you want to take her to ballet classes yourself and make it a time when you can focus on your daughter and what is going on in her life. I have a new goal this year to not do all the holidays so wish me luck and I wish you luck, too!

Ummmm what is this disorder? Except walking really close I do those things...If I am in a place I have never been, or am meeting someone I expect them to meet me outside so we can go in together. I don't want to be looking all over the place for them.. My kids (teens) do the walking really close to me thing...

What exactly are you doing that makes these events more about her comfort? Don't you want your mom to go to ballet recitals and such to support the grandchild?

Maybe you need to just relax and quit worrying. =)

I would call my relationship normal. We talk on the phone about once a week. We go to the same church because it's where I grew up and we all attended for years. She sometimes attends a closer church but enjoys seeing my family esp when we're involved in the service like my youngest singing in choir. She and my father used to attend a lot of my children's sports because they truly enjoy sports (my mother went to more girls field hockey and my father went to more baseball) but they are very social and would talk to others as well as me. They did not attend practices only games or recitals. Now that they are 81 they attend less but they live in a retirement village and are Very busy with activities there. I dont know her problems or your situation but what if you started treating her like she was "normal" ? That is let her attend your events if she wants but dont feel you have to talk to her all the time. Be social with other people and If she isnt happy there she will attend less of her own accord. Is there anyway you can help her get involved in a Senior Center with Bingo and Yoga and craft classes etc?? Good luck!