What Is a Good Daughter?

Hi J.
Coming from a place like you having a strained relationship with my father I have learned the following things over the years
1. A parent receives from their child what they gave to them when they were young. Meaning ,if good parenting happened than a respectful loving adult relationship will happen. If negative parenting happened then there will be issues in later life and that is certainly not the fault of the grown child.
2. The grown child has the responsibiliy to break this negative cycle and not pass these issues to their own off spring. They have a responsibity to nuture a healthy relationship with their own offspring.
3. The grown child has the right to a healthy happy life and make no apologies for it.
4.The grown child should feel VERY proud of herself if she turns out to be a well balanced individual.
5. The grown child has responsibilty to her new family she has created and this ALWAYS takes precedent over past negative relationships.
6. Remember to spend your time wondering what makes a good wife and mother over a good adult daughter.
Sending lots of good thoughts to you
B.

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J. you cannot be a 'good' or 'bad' daughter in the traditional sense if you do not have a 'good' or 'bad' father in a tradtional sense.

If you have achieved peace for yourself and your family in spite of your father's mental illness then you are a 'good' person and THAT is the healthy thing to focus on!

:)

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A person with a mental illness... CANNOT be your way of deciding what is a 'good' daughter.
They do not have a normal sense of ethos or appropriateness or not.
And in my experience.... you cannot ever 'please' someone with a mental illness.... because their frame of references and ideas about what is normal... is not.

all the best,
Susan

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You wanted variety so her is old people perspective. I should note that to answer this question I have assumed reasonableness on both sides (i.e an emotionally stable adult child and a parent that wasn't a villian that brought the child up in an abusive situation and those two things are not necessarily perfectly correlated in either direction) So a good daughter:
1. Appreciates that the parent-child relationship will be the longest standing relationship any of us ever have (remembering the assumptions above). So it shouldn't be a surprise that to have a relationship for this length of time means there may be ups and downs on either side... but there will always be unconditional love on both sides.
2. Understands that there is a generational difference between her and her parent and that might mean we hold different religious, cultural, political and philosophical viewpoints and that is okay.
3. Recognizes that the parent loved them and did their best and even if their best wasn't good enough or wasn't what you would do always remembers that we didn't have the internet and we didn't have a Supernanny tv show. We had our mothers and we didn't agree with them either.
4. Demonstrates true love and concern for the welfare of the parent. This might mean different things depending on life circumstances. If we live close, we see each other casually now and then. If you live far, you call (and not just when you want to borrow money) and occasionally visit or invite us to visit. You recognize our birthdays (as we do yours), you remember us on holidays, you call when we are sick.
5. Demonstrates respect for us as people. I had trouble with this one because I didn't want it to sound like the obligatory respect for your elders thing - it's more a respect that we are a person, not just your parent. Treat us as you would other adults. React to us as you would other adults.
6. Encourage and support us in having a relationship with our grandchildren. Don't worry we can't undo everything you've taught and trained them in one weekend. Don't ever blackmail us by withholding access to the grandchildren.
7. While we will always be there for you, don't take advantage of our unconditional love for you by making your problems our problems. Do everything you can to stand on your own two feet.
8. Tell us often that you love us.

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What makes a good daughter? Well, I'd like to think a lot of what and who I am was "made" by MY parents. So, the fact that my parents and I have a very close relationship is because they did a good job raising me. In other words, what makes a good daughter is GOOD PARENTS.

I am just suggesting is that anyone asking this question...Should pose it to the PARENTS and not the daughter. Ask a parent what they did to raise a good, caring, strong child...And you will know what makes a good daughter. If they get defensive or make excuses or shout and stomp...Then, there's your answer. If your relationship is strained, feel free to put more than 50% of the responsibility for that on your father's doorstep and this means finding a remedy for it is also mostly up to him.

Though most of my goodness is due to my parents' work, there are some simple things I guess I can take credit for:
1. I think about them daily and probably talk to them just as frequently.
2. We freely share our time with them. It is a rare week that goes by that we don't do something with or for my parents.
3. We love the time they spend with our children. They know that I think of them as 2nd parents to our boys and we find ways to tell them often how blessed our boys are to have them.
4. I know that sometime in the future I will be caring for them. I consider this an honor (impossibly hard too).
5. I respect their opinions though I might not always agree with them. And mostly, I find the peace to let these differences go without argument.

But these things are all very easy for me to do because I am not faced with mental health issues or abusive communication from them

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Hi J.,

I empathize with you on this. My mother has some mental health issues and I have had to make some hard choices in my relationship with her. I think Theresa spoke to this, to a degree. For myself, being healthy, and my mom, who doesn't know how to be, Good Daughter look very different. I have decided that a Good Daughter is able to have good boundaries, is able to stand up for herself, is able to separate "loving their parent" from "being a doormat for the parent" in all the relevant ways. A good daughter understands that there is mental illness, present and affecting every interaction and tries to be truthful without being unneccesarily unkind.

I think that when we are in some kind of conflict with our parents, sometimes it can be resolved, sometimes not, but it's always important to try to be as *just* as we can in regard to our suffering parent while being *real* with ourselves and our own needs. A good daughter sometimes matures enough to grow out of the guilt and fear of the family and to choose to live one's life fully.

Not a great 'definition' per se, but something to chew on.

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I think the answer is different for everyone. For me to be a good daughter, my parents want one thing from me-to have a happy life. Thankfully, I have that.

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A good daughter needs a good parent.

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Hi J.:)

There is no such thing! Who is to judge??? And who is doing the asking? I would reflect that question back to the one who asked and then just allow them to apply it to themselves.

Whatever you feel is appropriate in your own heart is what you should follow. You mention you are feeling strained due to your dad's fanaticism and severe mental health issues. If you "plug into" the beliefs of others and their judgment of who is "good or bad" then that will be your choice, but it is best to live life from your authentic self which lives in your compassionate heart.

I trust you will know what to do. Loving your dad from that place within your heart that has no judgments and can see him for the being that he is, instead of his behavior, is a wonderful place to operate from. Expectations of others about what you should or shouldn't do, whether you are a good adult daughter or not is not the best place to come from as it will only set you up for failure in someone's eyes. It doesn't change the way you feel and what you need to do to be true to yourself.

hugs,
A. R.N., Energy Medicine Practitioner

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i think the question you have to ask yourself is not whether you are a good daughter. some daughters cannot be good daughters due to reasons beyond their control. the question you may want to ask, which trumps "am i a good daugther", is, "is your father a toxic person for your family to be around?" if so, end of relationship. end of doubt. end of guilt. you cannot be both people in any relationship, no matter how hard you try. his issues may be beyond his control, but that doesn't mean you have a duty to expose yourself or your children to it. i may be reading too much into this or projecting my own experience onto you, but just my two cents.

PS - i also agree with ellis. your relationship with either parent is majorly influenced by them. they set the tone. for your entire childhood they are molding and nurturing (or not) that relationship. you can't blame yourself if it is not a winnable battle. even as an adult, if there are problems in the relationship - yes, as an adult you can do what you can. but there is something to be said for the addage that you will always be your parents' child. therefore they'll always be the adult in the relationship, and have a responsibility as the parent to meet you MORE than halfway. i know if my child and i were ever driven apart by ANYthing, i would face hell itself to reunite and make amends. if the parent isn't willing (or able), there's only so much you can do.

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Depends on the family, the relationships between the parties.
I don't think one can make generalizations about good daughters.
If you get along relatively well w/your dad
despite his mental health issues, you're way ahead of the game.
If you are "hooked" by his behaviors, you might benefit
from some counseling to help you learn some coping techniques.

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A phone call once every two weeks to say hi or to send a card at least.
A person that will pray for their parents is always a good one for me personally. Possibly a gift or thought during holidays and birthdays.
Availability for needs some of the time :0) ( depends if you live far or not that is always tricky )

I think simple, loving, caring, honest, and dependable.

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I'll not quite answer your question, because I have a toxic parent.

Me being a good daughter comes AFTER me being sure that I am not hurt or harmed by my parent. I draw the line at doing all the "good" things where it puts me in a spot that my parent hurts me emotionally, mentally or any other of the games that are played.

I find my boundaries where I keep myself safe and healthy and stick to them, no matter how upset others may be about it. Just like on an airplane where you put your oxygen mask on first before anyone else's, I do my best to make sure that I am treated well before I extend myself to others.

With "normal" parents, this isn't an issue, but it sounds like with your dad, this is. Don't let him guilt trip you into something that ultimately hurts you.

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