Decisions

J. -

Ask around for some good marriage counselors. A good one will meet with you together, and seperately. I was not able to save my first marriage (he cheated too), but it helped me personally to see what we were both doing. I remarried, very happily this time. But because I went to counseling for ME it helped me to be happy, not blame myself and I know that this marriage is better because of it.

Good luck.

It's so easy for people to say to get out and "once a cheater, always a cheater". I can't tell you how you feel or what to do. What I can tell you is to get some counseling. He hasn't been abusive to you but he has been disloyal. There must be an underlying reason for why he did this to you. Some people might throw rocks at me for saying this, but I would give him a chance if he's willing. I wouldn't take him full into your arms right away though and give it some time for you to sort out your feelings and see if you really do want to work on things with him. It may not be the best idea to live together while you are working things out or at least not sleeping in the same room:) Tell him that he needs to build up your trust though. Not only did he lie to you, but because of it, he has passed on diseases to you, for which you have to live the rest of your life with. If he is going to gain your trust then he needs to follow YOUR rules (and they have to be tough ones). He has to go to counseling, be home at a specific time and account for his whereabouts all the time. If you call him, he has to answer. These are just examples and they sound how a parent might treat a child, but he acted like one and has broken the trust so he needs to show that you can trust him again.

You are not dirty- you just caught an infection. Just keep taking care of yourself and your beautiful children, and you will have behaved well and had reason to be proud of yourself.

As for advice - marriage counseling and a divorce lawyer's phone number on you at all times. Good luck!

Giving someone a second chance is one thing but letting someone hurt you again and again is unhealthy. If you do give him another chance this has to be IT! You need to be strong for you but another very important consideration is your daughters. As they grow up they need to see you thriving in a healthy relationship or empowered on your own. It does not serve them to see you treated badly by their father. Even if it is not obvious to them, one day they will feel the effects. Having said all this I know very personally what is like to love someone despite their flaws. Only you can decide what the best thing is to do. I would recommend couples and individual counseling. Good luck to you.

You will never forget he cheated, can you love him completely knowing that? Your daughters will love him regardless of if you two are together. MANY parents make it work for "their kids sake", but will it hurt them worse later on if he does it again, or you just can't get past the unfaithfulness?
Be true to yourself, what is best for you? If you are happy so will your children. Don't just take him back because he is their Dad, he still will be regardless....
Going thru the motions of being together will not be good for them, they need to see a truly loving and healthy relationship so they know how to love as adults!
You have a very hard decision that no one can make but you.
Good Luck
J.

hello J.,
I know what your going through, and I understand how "dirty" your feeling, I too have been cheated on before by my own husband. I will say this about my marrage, over 5 years ago the cheating happened. I didnt discover it until nearly a year after it already ended between the two of them. It was his ex girlfriend who I am now friends with... long story. I will say this, in my messed up situation, when I knew about what had happened, I decided the best thing was to leave him. Not even a week later, he was waiting for me to get off work everyday begging me to come back. To make a long story short, we went to counciling, and I got the help I needed for me and also for us. Every person is different, my husband never cheated again, where as some husband keep cheating over and over again. Just like every marriage is different. I cant tell you what the best way to go with this would be, but make sure to follow your heart. You know whats right for you. If that means taking a break from him, counciling, divorce, or wokring things out together, your the only ones who know each other and your relationship together. Remember no matter what anyone says, your the one who has to sleep next to him at night, and your the one who feels the love in your heart for him. Just dont be blind or think you have to because of your children together. One day your children will know if you stay and are unhappy, because they feel what your feeling. Remember that. I want to wish you all the luck in the world, and I will keep you and your family in my prayers today. I hope you make this choice with your heart and your mind.

Hi J.

I know you are stressed. And I am sorry he is such a butthead. But the reality is that past behavior predicts future behavior. He will most likely continue in the pattern he has set. For myself and for my precious babies, I would leave him and concentrate on raising them in a healthy, loving environment. Their futures depend on your actions now. If they see their father constantly cheating, they will think this is normal behavior and quite possibly end up in the same type of relationship when they are grown. I know you don't want that for them.
It might help to find a marriage counselor or perhaps one just for yourself. Its normal to have feelings for the man, he is the father of your two babies. It doesn't mean that he is the right individual for you to be with.
Best of wishes
P.

J. i know it is a difficult decision you are trying to make, you and only you have to reach into your heart and head. there is nothing in life easy to get or keep, among those things are love, trust, respect and i could go on and on. i chose not to forgive my husband over 40 years ago and i had 5 children. i had a very hard time raising them by myself. his idea was you and my children live with me and ill support you. well after catching him 2 different times i chose not to stay and try to work things out. i was young and had no patience and for thought of what the future could hold. i to this day wonder how it would have been if i had gone the other way, and stayed. he never remarried and passed away from cancer.
now on the other hand one of my daughters chose the other way and after about two years of him sowing his oats, that was over twenty years ago, he settled down and had made a good husband, father of 3 boys and is a great grand father. he thanks her frequently for having the patience and and love and understanding to weather the storm with him.
so you need to pray about it and remember to look in your heart and head and thru the eyes of your children. good luck and GOD BLESS. J. GMAJ

A little word of wisdom....PAST PERFORMANCE is Future Performance. (meaning it will happen again)
At 53 yrs of age I am a grandmother to 4 beautiful children and a proud mother of my two daughters who I RAISED as a SINGLE mother.

I read a lot of SELF HELP books which strengthened my character and love for others. You can not change who people are and why they do the things they do. You can only set boundaries for yourself. By doing that, you will avoid the rejection, the hassle and the embarrassment one will cause you. Love your children and be strong. They can love their Daddy and be with him...that is a separate relationship. Take care of you and your children will be happy.
Good Luck.
Self Help Books in case you wanted to know are: Codependent No More by Melodie Beatty. Second book she wrote is "Beyond Codependency". Barnes and Noble have many books in that subject and are very helpful. YOU are not alone...

I think you already know what you need to do. Good luck and prayers are with you.

Dear J.,

Though I have not been in the same boat as you, I want you to know I understand how upsetting this situtaion is for you. There honestly is no reason why you and your husband should not be able to make things work from here on out, but there are definitely some issues that need to be addressed. If you feel that there is betrayal of trust, perhaps it is fitting that your husband truly works up from there to earn your trust again.

There is a book, written by L.Ron Hubbard, called "The Ethics Book". It discusses situations that come up in life, and how to improve those situations and conditions. I would highly recommend taking a look at that. If you want, you can even walk into a local Church of Scientology and ask for help with this situation, they would be glad to offer you solutions for this.

Something CAN be done about it - and it doesn't necessarily mean you have to leave your husband or simply trust him without change. Good luck!

You know your friends might now what they're talking about... this might be easier said on my side and harder done on yours. But if he has cheated on you before then he will do it again if he gets "board" of normal life. Marriage is about being committed to someone no matter what! You don't go and hump every hot guy you see out there. There is no excuse for cheating WHAT'S SO EVER!Your daughters may love their father but they can always see him... No matter what he will always be their father. You have to understand they will be looking up to mommy! You never know what else he can pick up out there... You have to make sure you're safe as well. Your daughters need YOU more then they will ever need Daddy! So you need to be happy! no mother should EVER be cheated on! instead of cheating just get a divorce it'll save a lot of heartbroke in the long run. If you still have your family go stay with them, but just don't make the mistake of taking him back. He cant control his desires for other women... and you deserve so much better, someone who'll love you when your down and be there for you. Someone who looks forward to coming home and seeing his family. Someone who can't wait to get off work so he can come and lye on your arms. You deserve the best so don't settle for less! It might be hard for the first year, but later on you'll be happy and not in worries that he might be cheating on you! one things for sure you won't trust him anymore the way you did when you married him. He broke that trust.So do it for yourself and your daughters! Your daughters will pick up on mommy not being trusty of daddy and they'll know what's going on... Kids pick up on everything and in the long run they'll hate their father for hurting their mother and you don't want them to hate him but he isn't going to be much of a role model if he cheats on you again ! !

OR you can draw up a contract with him that if he cheats on you again he won't be able to see the girl and everything you both own will be yours and your daughters! make him sign it. And next time you might get a feeling that he's cheating hire someone either a friend or someone private to go and fallow him for a week so you have proof he cheated then everything could be yours. If he agree to it. But if he doesn't then he might cheat on you again. You have to get your security for the sake of your daughters.
Best wishes and i hope everything does work out to your hearts desire.. it's your decision....

If you decide to stay with him get counseling, separately and as a couple. Make that a condition of your willingness to even consider taking him back, if he wants so badly to come home to you and be a family he should have to prove that he's willing to do whatever it takes. You don't need to make a decision right away (if he's pressuring you to do so that's not a good sign) and don't just let him come back and pretend that it's all okay because he said he's sorry a million times and he cried a little. ANYONE can do that, it's super easy and he's done something for which there is no easy fix.
No matter what you decide you should think about seeing a counselor. You're going to have to make some hard decisions (beyond whether you decide to stay with your husband or not) and it's often helpful to have an objective third party to bounce ideas off of, not to mention that all the stress, anger and hurt feelings are going to need a place to go and a counselor can help you find productive ways to deal with it. If money is an issue there are counselors who charge on a sliding scale, I'm not sure how to find them around here but the county health dept would be a good place to start, plus your OB may have some suggestions as well as other mamasource moms.
For what it's worth my grandfather has a daughter with his former secretary, he and my grandmother are still happily married (he's VERY well behaved) and my aunt is a part of the family like any other 'normally' acquired relative.
Good luck.

I feel for you. But truthfully, only you can make the right decision. Your gut probably is telling you to go one way or another. You're brave for reaching out for advice. My father cheated on my mother after 28 years of marriage. Things were rough for a while, but they worked it out. They have been married now for 45 years and I can say it made them more conscious of meeting each others needs. Before he cheated their relationship was pretty much a roomate type situation- there was no passion. I'm definitly not justifying what he did- it was wrong. Should my mother have stayed with him- that was HER decision. Not the kids, her friends, or anyone else's decision. People can be critical, but also they care. I wish you the best of luck, my dear.

Hi J.. Well, no matter what anyone says about you or your husband, you are going to do what your heart tells you to...That is just human nature, not stupidity. Wouldn't life be grand if we all just made "logical" decisions...God I know it. Luckily I haven't experienced your particular situation, happily married now, but have had enough heart breaks to know how it all goes. Of course you are going to give him another chance cause you love him, but if you suspect anything else, I mean anything, be sure to investigate it, don't live in the dark on purpose just because you are afraid to get your heart broken. It's always better to recover from your loss (or what you will think is a loss at the time) as bad as that may seem, then spending the rest of your life always waiting for the other shoe to drop. That is not happiness!!! I read a book called "The four agreements" by Miguel Ruiz about basically the four agreements in life that you need to have with yourself to maintain a stable happy life. I got alot from it, short read. Life is short! I hope he turns around and never breaks your heart again, but it's not the end of the world if he does. That way you can tell yourself "well, I tried." There will be something better out there (cliche' but true) and when you find it, you'll be saying "God, can you believe I was with that guy"....lol...:) Take good care of YOU and your babies!!!!! Don't you dare tell yourself that lame 40 year ago mentality saying of "Well, I'll stay for the kids"..You will then need to be slapped hard....Kids will always bounce back, plus it's not fair to stay in a bad marriage for them either....The best thing you can give your kids is a good marriage even if not with their natural father.... Always!! Hope ya feel better, if not cheer the
_ _ _ _ up girl!!!!!!

Good Morning J.,
i am sorry to hear that you are having to go through this. i know how bad it hurts when the person you love and rely on are unfaithful. my husband cheated on my about 8-8 1/2 years ago. he just told me one day that he was not in love with me anymore, but contunued to give me mixed signals. i knew he was seeing someone else, but like you i could not prove it. i did manage to find out the truth because our neigbor told me everything. i too felt like i may never be able to trust him again. the thing is i knew that i loved him and for the sake of our children and my promise to God I knew i had to try and make things works. it took a long time and there were countless nights that i worried if he was with someone else or really working late, because it is in my husbands nature to tell stupid little lies so i never really felt like i knew what was going on. the bottom line is that i now have complete and total trust for him (sometimes they really do change), i just do not live my life blind thinking he could/would never do that. being unfaithful is something almost every single one of us is capable of give the right (or wrong) circumstances. my honest opinion is that if you have this chance at making your marriage work and to keep your family together it is worth the risk. you just have to take it one day at a time. the trust will come back and it will be worth all the hard work in the end. i will keep your family in my prayers..god bless you.

Ultimately, you have to go with your instincts. I would suggest conseling if you accept him back into your lives. Having been through something similar (but not quite as severe) when my child was a toddler, I can say that I'm glad I decided to make it work. It just took several more years for him to grow up, even after the counseling. The hardest part for me was learning to forgive, trust, & end the resentment. Sometimes you can end up resenting him for his behavior, and ultimately resenting yourself for allowing him to stay. Time really does heal wounds. There are many relationships that have survived this kind of betrayal. On the other hand, you must know that some men simply can't be monogomous. If this turns out to be the case, you'll have to let him go & take good care of yourself & your children. Best wishes to you.

Hi J.,
Bless your heart, you are going through so much. Love is a precious thing and my feeling is you should never feel badly for protecting it. It sounds like you love each other very much and personally, I think you're wise to work through this and do everything you can to stick together. Always, choose love over hate and don't be hateful just because you think you should be (although I totally understand this logic.) You are blessed to have a forgiving heart. My advice is to be grateful for that, don't listen to friends/family who may tell you not to work this out and appreciate the love you have.
Can you see a counselor, either for yourself or for both of you together?
Best of luck,
L.
PS -I've been married 18 years, have had many ups and downs over the years in my marriage, but have always chosen to work things out and have never regretted it. My divorced friends say divorce is hell, and I'm all for avoiding it! Marriage is HARD, too, though, you know...it takes a lot of love, forgiveness and understanding.