Im Desparate for Help

I do have experience with this. I married young (was pregnant), and my husband began cheating on me almost immediately after getting married (even though I knew something was wrong, I didn't find out for years). It was way more than one person, one time. We separated, got back together after he made some changes, but ended up separating and are currently divorced.

I only explain all that to let you know I understand what it is like. I don't want to be harsh, but one thing that has helped heal me is taking responsibility for my choices. I could not change his, but I am responsible for mine. You found this out BEFORE you got married, but still chose to marry him. So, even though he chose to cheat and lie prior to marriage, you decided to get married and take on the burden of re-establishing trust and having insecurities. It doesn't make it ok that he did what he did, but now you have to figure out how to work past all you are feeling. I am curious as to what you pictured the marriage would be like after you found out he cheated and lied? Because we all have a picture and that is where the trouble usually starts.

Realize that a part of your anger and fear is not just about him, but about you too and choices you made and a situation you got yourself into. But, then, forgive yourself. Sometimes we forgive ourselves last and we really are angry for what we "allow" to happen to us.

Work on getting trust back. Have a serious discussion (in counseling or not) about how trust can be restored. Come to peace about not being able to control what he does or where he goes.

You said you don't want to be responsible for your marriage ending. Others have said that you won't be... Here is the thing- if you can have peace with the truth, you can usually move on. The truth is, if your marriage ends, you will be partly responsible because you made that decision to marry him knowing what you knew. He is responsible because he made choices that jeopardized the relationship. The truth also is, this doesn't make you horrible...it makes you human and someone that made a mistake, just like he made a mistake.

I hope nothing was too offensive and things work out for the best. A very dear friend and mentor was able to point some of these things out to me that really helped me come to peace and terms with some things and not be so angry. I hope it leads you to the same. Sorry so long. If you would like to contact me, I am at ____@____.com.

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I agree with seeking counseling. You have had a very upsetting and traumatic experience and someone can help guide you through the healing. Also, if your marriage does end, you simply cannot blame yourself. Your were betrayed in a big big way. That is not your fault. You cannot be blamed for your reaction because you were the one lied to and wronged. What you feel is perfectly normal. It is hard to just let go of such a painful thing. It's not your fault it happened, and if it ruins the marriage that also is not your fault. Your husband is the one who broke his promise to you and is the one to blame for ALL the repercussions from his bad decisions. You need to find someone to help you so that you can move on and try to rebuild with your husband if you choose, and most importantly right now to make sure you have a healthy pregnancy for your little one.

1 mom found this helpful

I know this hurt. My husband admitted it and he was riddled with regret, I KNEW something was wrong before he told me. Which was a big deal in retrospect, your fiance lying is a problem, in itself. Go to therapy, alone and as a couple. If you love him, fight to fix it. It is best for the children. If it doesn't work, you have to know you gave it all that you could, trust me on this one.

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Hi B. Maybe you should get some counseling to help you get over these feeling. To find out that your than fiance was cheating with your best friend is a pretty big blow to your heart. But if you plan on staying with him, you have to get these feeling resolved.

1 mom found this helpful

Dear B.,
I feel your pain. I too am going through the same situation, only it is still very recent. We are going through marriage counseling and Individual counseling. We don't have the money for it either, so we are using our pastors for this. It is actually working well for us, because it is free. You may want to look into something like that. It is making a big difference in our lives.
((HUGS)) A.

Hi B.,
I would definitely seek counseling with maybe your pastor or a professional. I believe the only way for you to move past what he did is to forgive him. I know that sounds crazy but its what has helped me. If you feel that you are not able to forgive which means letting it completely go then you won't be able to move on with your life. I think you should let him know how you feel especially with the HPV stuff. I know you have 1 child and are about to have another but you do not have to be unhappy for the rest of your life with him. Men are different from women. Eventually if he is not being satisfied you start to become distant he will stray again. If you are really in love with your husband and want it to work then please seek out counseling but if you are always second guessing your marriage and your relationship and you are not able to communicate to him about the two of you, you may want to reconsider. I just speaking from experience. I wasted 7 years trying to make something work that I knew in my heart wouldn't. But for the sake of my kids and the fact that my parents were still married I stayed in it being unhappy. Its not worth. Be encouraged and I will lift you up in prayer.

I have never experienced this situation first hand, but I saw my parents go thru it. Same thing - with the best friend. They did stay together and they happier now than they were beforehand. They've learned to appreciate one another. My mom has forgiven but not forgotten. But you have to be able to let go in order to move on. And that takes time. And of course trust is a huge factor. And that's something that your husband will have to earn back from you over time. But if you don't have trust, it's hard to rebuild.

As far as couseling, look into what the local hospital's have to offer. It's usually free (I believe). Also, check your library. Because it sounds like couseling would help you because you have the right attitude. You love this man and you want to stay with him and make it work.

I wish you the best of luck. And remember, there is no quick fix for this. It will take time. But it can be worth it.

C.

Maybe trying talking to him about it. Get him to understand you feelings and maybe he can put some of your fears at ease. You will never forget it, but since you married him anyway...try to forgive him and more on. If not, you will be miserable and your children will feel this too.

I am not sure how much help I can provide but here it goes. I would suggest you go to counseling first alone and then have your husband join. It sounds like to me you truly haven't forgiven him and then also don't trust him. This is causing you to second guess your decision to stay with him, was it the right thing to do? You need a third party to listen and not judge and a couselor can do that for you. I know of a great psychologist but he is Wheaton if you want more information regarding his contact please let me know and I can get that to you. Best of luck to you and remember you need to take care of yourself and be happy and proud of who you are.

Get counseling. Even if your husband doesn't go, you need to go yourself. It is very hard to let go when trust is broken and it isn't easy to let go without help.

Well to say that you should not have gotten married until the trust was restored won't work because you already jumped in probably because you already had a child with him. A marriage without trust on one sided trust is doomed to fail. You have to decide if you can forgive and forget or if you are going to stay stuck in the past. For some reason you can't let go, maybe it is because he cheated with your so called best friend. If it had been just some other random woman then you would probably not have this issue. He broke your trust with someone that you trusted so that is a lot to deal with. Until you can resolve that in your mind and heart you are going to have problems. These are issues you should have dealt with before you married him. You may not have even married him at all after much thought. This you will have to go to GOD and counseling to deal with. My prayers are with you. I married a man that cheated on me because he was my daughters father. We stayed married for 7 years before it fell apart. We have been divorced now for 2 years. He could not be faithful.

If you truly love him and want to work it out, ask around for free counciling. You'll have to let the affair go if you want to truly start over with him, but let him know that if it happens again you and the baby are out of there, no excuses. If he promises to never do it again you guys can work out the trust issues.

Hi B.-
I'm sorry for what you are going through - you basically "lost" a boyfriend and a bestfriend at the same time (at least lost any trust/faith in them). I agree with those that have suggested counseling - best if your husband goes with you, but if he doesn't, go alone. I am not a psychologist/psychiatrist - but I also suspect you may have some self esteem issues - something else that can be addressed in counseling. Seeking higher education, or volunteerism, or whatever you can do to make YOU feel better about yourself and worthy of being treated decently may help too.
Very best of luck to you.

ok all i can say is wat where you thinking! now not all of this is bad but you kinda set yourself up for this one but dont worry im sure you'll get the answer your looking for. i kno its hard to let go of someone you love and especially if you have a child with em, but if he did it once whose to say he wont do it again? nothing is your fault so dont ever think that even if he tells you it was becuz of you, thats is a huge lie! i dont think you should have married him besides the fact he cheated on you with your best friend but you had a huge blow to your selfasteam and you have a hard time trusting him and if you dont have trust you cant really have a relationship.. you found out for a reason and thats becuz the person that told you cares about you and didnt want to see you get hurt and marry someone they kno wasnt rite for you cuz other wise if they didnt care and thought your werent wroth telling your husband would have never told you and prob would of done it again and you may have been happy but in the back of your mind you would of had a feeling that something happened and you still wouldnt be as happy as you could be cuz what he did changed everything...but if you think that you can learn to trust him and eventually get over it (which me personally went threw something similar i never did and im not with the guy that did it to me anymore) then you should go for it and really stay with him and your gona have to forget it cuz if your bringing it up he might get tired of it and do something your not gona like weather its cheating or leaving you...but i moved on from my x and found something way better...and your husband isnt the last man on earth that is gona love you and please you the way you want he isnt the end of the world theres more fish in the sea girl,but like i said it can work if you want it to but you'll have to work hard and so will he you cant do it alone! goodluck to you i hope everything works out for you...if you need someone to talk to that you dont kno since sometimes that seems to be easier im here! i have tons of advice to give!!

Get some counseling. You and he need to get over this or you'll both be miserable. If it turns out that you need to split from each other, you will know that at least you tried to make it work. Good luck.

I could not have articulated things better than Kristina H. put it. I also am not trying to be harsh but why bring another child into the picture when things are already precarious? I do not know if things will work out or not with your marriage but just remember that it is never too late to start new and make better choices. Good luck to you and your little ones. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I know divorce makes one feel like a failure sometimes but it does mean you can't start over new with a healthy emotional perspective on things. Maybe that's what you are facing and fearful you can't do it? Either way, hang in there. It'll hopefully be okay.

Does your husband know about your nightmares?
If not, you really need to tell him. You can't go on feeling this way forever.
Tell him that you love him but are having a hard time trusting him.
Let him know that being pregnant makes you more emotional
and worried about everything, and that you need reassuring that he
will never do this again. He should be willing to step up to the plate
and ask for forgiveness, if he hasn't already, and continue to prove
himself to you, if needed. He made the mistake, he needs to make amends for it.

You are NOT crazy, your emotions are perfectly rational. Your husband should really be feeling guilty and terrible for what he did and be working on gaining your trust back.

By the way, look around, there are free family counseling services available, you just need to find them.

Here is some info that I hope might be helpful for you...

http://drphil.com/articles/article/16/

Best wishes,
J.

B.,

This was a hard story to read. Your story is painful, but unfortunately common. I've been through what you're going through and I am still married to the same man. He was terribly unfaithful, but fortunately for us, God has really changed us both, and we are moving forward in Him. I can't know if he'll never do it again. He doesn't know if I'll continue to bring it up. (Which I try not to unless I feel the need for reassurance of his faithfulness.) But what we have both committed to do is try to move forward for us and our son. Here is a website, http://www.affairrecovery.com/ that may help. It is Christian based. I don't know what faith you are, but they are helpful even if you're not of the Christian faith.

In my humble opinion, it really boils down to a choice that you have to make. Please don't ever stay in a relationship where you or your children are in danger. If that is the case, GET OUT NOW! If that is not the case, then search your soul to figure out what YOU are willing to live with. Forgiveness is very powerful. If your husband has told you he is sorry and he will never do that again, and you both want to work on and improve your marriage to move forward, then by all means, try. If he has no regret and has expressed no interest in continuing to be faithful, there is no need for you to let anyone disrespect you, especially in front of your children. Keep in mind they are very impressionable, and the biggest heartbreak is that 20 or 30 years from now your daughter-in-law is crying to you about your son cheating on her.

I guess lastly consider your love. Love for your husband, love for your children, but most importantly, love for yourself. You are the creator’s most favorite creation and no matter what you have done in your past, your life is worth all things good, honest and pure. Please seek those things for yourself even if means making the tough choices.

All the best,
S.

Hi B., I am so sorry for your situation. The first thing I would suggest to you is counseling. Even if you go through therapy alone and not with your husband, this can help you come to terms with the situation and your feelings about it.

The second thing I would suggest is reading self-help books and meditating. These things have helped me through some of the darkest hours of my life. I think they are worth a try for anyone going through a difficult time.

Good luck to you and congrats on your new baby.