Dealing with Visiting In-Laws

I'm sorry, you forgot to mention you are having some home remodeling done or carpets cleaned that week, here is a list of local hotels, maybe we can meet for dinner in town one night that week if you can squeeze it in.

Boundaries! Gotta love them :)

Can you let her know it is not a good time.

I'm sorry you have that horrible flu that is extra contagious this year and would not want to chance giving it to the two year old.

Since you are unable to keep unwanted people out of your home (and also can't stop yourself from cooking for said people) I suggest you go to a friend's house for a few days and let your husband deal with his family. Tell him you'll be back when they are gone and after he has cleaned up their mess. Problem solved.

They sound awful. It would take balls but I am laughing at the plan of not providing them with any niceties at all. I like the idea of having no food in the fridge/pantry. Turn off wifi and the phone. Then you go meet a friend for dinner one night. Another night watch movies in your room with the door shut eating take out for one. Go run errands another night and just grab some food while you are out. Go work out at the gym another night. Have a date night for just you and your husband another night. Go see a movie alone. Just be gone and have no food or amenities available. Tell your husband it is 100% up to him to clean up the mess. Do NOT buy kid's plates! Do NOT cook them foods or have food out or other nice hostess kinds of things. Do not make up a bed for them or have towels ready. Go be busy with some friends and let them fend for themselves.

This is where a mention of a lice outbreak comes in handy. :)

Seriously, no. And if you can't say no tell your husband you're going on a vacation alone and he can deal with them.

um, I hate to tell you, but your problem is with your husband, not your sister-in-law... he needs to grow a pair and put a halt to the visits. his family = his issue. if he won't step up and handle it, you have bigger problems.

Just tell her it's not a good time right now. End of story:)

I have no problem when people discipline my kids. I discipline other peoples kids all the time. There are basic rules. And I have no problem telling kids or adults to follow them.

Your house, your rules. If you don't like them, go to a hotel

You're allowing all of this. Tell your phone company to disconnect your phone for a day or two, put a hold on your internet service and wi-fi and cable (just do things like you would if you were leaving on a vacation - temporarily cancel every convenience). clean out your fridge of everything but a stick of celery and a pitcher of water just before she arrives, and figure out how to turn off the electricity by using the circuit breakers. Since you don't have kids, you won't be endangering your own child. I suggest not creating something that isn't true, like a virus or illness - simply make your house a cold, unlit, disconnected, no-tv-or-wireless place with no food. Just tell them January is a tough month! Find a chore that needs doing, like a closet that needs cleaning, or photographs that need sorting, and sit quietly and do it. The most problematic statement in your question is: "she expects me to cook meals for the additional company and when I do..." . Well, there's your problem right there. And you bought their kid special dishes! You are accommodating them and then complaining about it. Get some padlocks and lock your cupboards. Be bold and say "we weren't anticipating company. But there are restaurants in town. Have fun exploring." Until you stand up with a plan that is not rude or a lie, but has boundaries and some backbone, this will happen over and over. Yes, it might be a difficult situation for a day or a couple hours, but you will have made your point. And they can't say that you were mean, or unwelcoming, but that you simply had no food, wi-fi, cable, phone or conveniences! I doubt they'll stay. It's one thing to put up with an annoying habit by an otherwise nice visitor, but this is over-the-top.

My husband's family does the same thing. They don't ask, they inform. They often give me a few days notice, but sometimes it's just, "We're coming tomorrow!" I've learned to accept it, but they need to accept the fact that my house will not be clean on such short notice. My brother's wife cannot believe I put up with this. For me, it's just not worth the fight. As my dad always put it, "This is the way of their people." They're not going to change, and if I try to insist it would only drive a wedge. But I do get along with them, for the most part, so for me it's definitely something I can deal with.

There are many things that are bugging you right now, but you need to know that the behavior of the 2 year old is just that - typical 2 year old behavior. Yes, it is very normal for her to throw plates and need to eat off her mom's plate and be a screamer. That often comes with having a 2 year old. I can't tell you whether or not the way her mom is dealing with her is the way I dealt with my boys at that age, but I can tell you with absolute certainty that having a 2 year old is no picnic.

It sounds like your SIL has a lot on her plate. Maybe she really needs visits like this. It doesn't sound like her husband is very supportive or helpful. I know when I was a SAHM I felt very, very isolated and really needed my family. I'm not sure I was always a lot of fun to be around, but I am so grateful to my family for helping me through some of those early years. They were tough!

I suspect your SIL really needs you right now. Maybe she leaves the diapers in an inconvenient place, and maybe she isn't always able to control her daughter like you would want her too. But she's in a tough spot. Maybe a little patience from you would go a long way.

Provide her with a list of nearby hotels. Seriously. I finally did this for my in laws and now they treat our home like civil adults when they visit (for a few hours at a time, then back to their hotel). We actually had a, dare I say, pleasant and drama free holiday visit.

HOW can she come for an uninvited visit? How far away are they coming from? If it's close, and she wants to see her brother, visit them. Your house isn't childproof - so use that "We don't feel comfortable re. sweet baby's safety since our house isn't childproof. Why don't we come to you."

If it's far, then you can say "that doesn't work for us". Get info on local hotels, and tell them that they're welcome to visit, but staying at the house doesn't work for you anymore. Your hubby needs to man-up on this one. He's a grown man. She can scream all she wants, but not in his house. Your house, your rules.

We teach people how to treat us. If you want her to respect your boundraries, you have to teach her that you will not allow her current behavior.

Start by calling her and telling her that *you* are uninviting her from visiting your home.

Why you? Well, your husband doesn't want to be the bad guy, because his sister is blood. But you're not. So step up and take one for the team. Be the bad guy so your husband doesn't have to. I'm sure it will be a relief to all in your home and your husband will appreciate it. Talk with him about it first, of course, so it's not a surprise when his sister calls or texts him in outrage.

If sister wants to visit with brother, you-all can go out to dinner at a nice, family friendly restaurant. Keep them out of your home so you can maintain your sanity.

Best of luck!

Who said it was ok for her to stay at your house uninvited? Does she just show up or does she let you know ahead of time that she's coming? sounds like you know she's coming so there must have been a conversation with someone abou this. Did your husband say she could come? The answer is simply to stop her when she invites herself. When she calls and says - I'll be staying with you during X week, the standard answer should be - that doesn't work for us. If she pushes for a reason or another date, she should be told that you value your privacy and have decided not to entertain house guests. End of story. You missed your out and now you're stuck. I'd personally make myself very scarce during her visit. I'd ask her what she planned to cook for herself, you, her family and/or any guests she invites to YOUR house. Sorry, people can't take advantage of you without your permission. Someone needs to grow a backbone. If it's your husband's sister, then he should play the bad guy or let him deal with her when she's there while you go get a manicure/pedicure.

Why can't you tell her no? I don't understand. Just tell her that you are not going to have any company in your home. If she never speaks to you again, too bad...

Nothing you can do.

It wouldn't make sense just to tell her your house is unavailable this year.

Oh wait, it would.

Until your H is ready to stand up for his actual family, she can trash y'all anyway she wants.

A simple no will handle it just fine. It's your house too and your husband should have asked you. I would be pissed at him if I were you.

If you don't get along with her, then why can't you ask her to stay at a hotel? I totally would. There is no way I'd allow them to stay again after having such negative experiences in the past. I'd just say "Hey Sally, your brother and I really aren't up for company right now. It's a lot of extra work, especially with all of the people you invite over, and we're just tapped after the busy holidays. Why don't you stay at the Holiday Inn and we can make plans to get together while you're in town."

The behavior of the kid is the way it is because she doesn't tell her NO.
The behavior of the mom is the way it is at your house because you don't tell HER no.
Eddie Murphy did a hilarious standup in the 80's where he imitated his dad saying, "It's MY house, and if you don't like it, get the $%#$# out!!"

Bottom line: it's your house. Only boundaries will stop this.

Almost wish I could be there to back you up!!

Wow. Lock the doors?

Interesting how you put it that your SIL is coming and bringing her husband and child - rather than that SIL and husband are coming and bringing their child.

If, as you say, she has invited herself, can your husband get up enough courage to call her and say, "No, we have other plans"? I understand his being afraid of his screaming sister, but if he can do this, he should. He doesn't need to say anything else but that sentence. It would be a good thing if you all then got busy and made those "other plans," so that you wouldn't exactly be making something up (especially in case there are other family dynamics involved in this).

If this is not something he can do, I would recommend seeing a counselor right away (like tomorrow) about this pending visit! I sometimes recommend counseling because I've found that the advice of a professional, impartial third party can be very useful. In your case, I'm urging it because you sound panicky; however, this kind of situation is not unusual. You will need to be able to pull yourself together in order really to manage this visit. It's hard to deal with a strong-willed child anyhow, much less a strong-willed child of a strong-willed manager and a strong-willed hider.

I think I'd tell hubby I was drawing a line. To pick, either me or sister. She can stay in a hotel or not come. Period. Hubby can pay for the hotel for that matter. No way I'd stay there for this.

Go out of town for the time they are visiting and let hubby have the pleasure of cleaning up after little one.

Do NOT discipline other people's kids! WHY? It's not really going to stop the behavior and it's going to make a bad situation worse. It's not YOUR fault if the child gets hurt. Period. I mean, sure if you see a hot iron falling toward the child's head, reach out and intercept it if you can, but honestly, watching what the child is doing is not your job. Let the mom deal with any injuries that occur. No offense but people without kids often think things are dangerous that parents are just used to. But that doesn't excuse their other atrocious behavior. If anything, put your foot down and don't have this woman over. If you do, grin, bear it, don't expect them to behave, and try to hold your breath until they're gone. And no cooking or accommodating. Just leave and go to your friend's house until they're gone or they'll keep coming back and expecting the same. I'm not faulting you, I've done the same thing for bad visitors, and they KEPT ON expecting it.

There are good guests and bad guests. They act how they act. I've never succeeded in turning bad guests into ones that follow rules. I just put up with them or stop letting them come over when I finally got wise.

Your husband needs to politely tell his sister that your house in unavailable and he would be happy to help her find a nice motel. If you guys can swing it he can even offer to help pay some of the room this first time since it may be short notice for making the alternative arraignments, but that she should plan on a hotel or other relatives house in the future.

"I've just come down with strep/lice/flu. Cough, cough. It's not a good idea to have a little one around me. There is a lovely hotel down the road- your brother will be happy to book a room for you."

As you can see, I'm with Mom of 3. This isn't worth the stress.

Do your husband's parents live in town? Can they stay with them?

Sorry... this is a crummy situation... good luck and let us know what happens next!

Interesting first question

Why don't you leave for a vacation by yourself and have your husband deal with them.

Alternate plan: get some children friendly toys and play with and engage the 2 year old, creating your own relationship with her. Go to your own bedroom and chill whenever any of them are having a screaming fit.

In other words, just ignore the bad behavior from child and mother.

I don't like having my mother spend the night, so as far as she's concerned, no one is allowed to stay overnight at our house. When she's in town, she stays at a nearby hotel. Better for both of our sanity. I started it when I was getting ready to go into labor with my daughter and she was offering/threatening to stay with me for 2 weeks after the baby was born. No way in hell. My aunt, who usually stays with us when she visits, is happy to go along with the "no one spends the night" rule and gets a room at the same hotel.

When my son first got married Christmas was coming and I asked him if we could come up. Great. However, he did not run it by the wife and she blew up. It was WW3 for about four months. I did tell my son that I did agree with the wife because he did not discuss it with her first before he said we could come.

There was a bit of tension about other things but that has since subsided. Otherwise, I would have got a room at a Raddison and spent my time there instead of the house going back and forth. Just because you have or has family does not make it a means that I have to fork out or put out my home to you. When we do visit, we bring our own things to do and make meals so that the wife gets a break and dinner is on time. I guess that is a carryover from being military and just doing what is needed to be done.

If my SIL were like the one you describe, she would not set one foot in my home. Hubby could take them to a hotel and he can stay with them at the hotel. Hubby does need to grow a set of balls.

the other S.

PS Your home is not a hotel and the other members do not need to come. She can take herself and child and husband out to visit them. I would definitely not be cooking anything for her. The wifi would be disconnected so that BIL would have to come out of the room and socialize.

Either you ask them to stay at a hotel, or you establish house rules, then make for some allowances, as a gracious host does. Some of what she is doing is just plain rude, other parts are due to her having a two year old, being out of her own four walls and having an oblivious husband.

If your house rules are to put soiled diapers downstairs, I think its reasonable. But realize, that there might be an occassion where she has just removed a diaper, then has to go chasing after her two year old to keep her from pulling down your china, in which case, you turn a blind eye to the diaper. If she makes a modicum of effort to clean up at day's end, or nap time etc. be pleased for it.

Yesterday, my own mother got after me for not having put DS's stepstool into the corner of her ground floor bath, where it belongs. I said, terribly sorry for imposing on you. I was busy trying to convince DS that he must poo in the toilet, not the sink, all the while trying to avoid a tantrum, and get to your dinner table on time because you wanted us over for dinner and had called company. Next time, I will try to be more mindful of the stepstool.

Its tough work on either side.
Best,
F. B.

I guess I'm confused on why she is staying with you if she is "uninvited". It doesn't sound like it's fun for anyone so just don't do it. I would have my HUSBAND tell her that although you can appreciate she wants to spend some time with you, it's just too much to have a 2 yo in the house and maybe you can try visits when the child is older...say 12...lol. But you get the picture. I mean what do you all have to lose? No one likes her anyway. That's what I would do. Never feel obligated to do things you don't really want to do. Good luck!

Why are you opening your door to them when they show up uninvited? Why is your house still not babyproofed for the times they actually are invited? Why are you allowing her to stay in your home when she's disrespectful?

Your husband needs to back you up. He needs to put them out of the house and tell them not to come over when they're not invited. And then you both have to follow through and not let them inside. Lock the doors. Leave the house and get in your car to go somewhere else with your husband if you have to, and lock up behind you. Do it until they get the picture. If they have keys to your home then get new locks.

You have no obligations at all here. Your husband, however, does to you. And I'll tell you right now that this behavior from them will only get worse if he doesn't stop it now. It will get far worse and probably start to include your husband's mother when you do have children.

I'm not getting how they are able to be there uninvited. Is your husband on the same page with you? It's your house, and this really is as simple as a firm "This is not a good time for house guests. (Here are the numbers to a couple of convenient hotels/motels.)" If you're not the queen of your own castle, who the hell is?

So what if she screams? Who's she gonna scream to/at? On the phone? Hang up. (Even if you can hear it while she's talking to your husband, just grab the phone and hang it up. Show him how it's done.) If she shows up at your door screaming, close the door. If she's in your home screaming, tell her to STOP IT OR LEAVE. Until you let her know that her behavior is unacceptable, she has no reason to believe that it is.

I won't even address the calls and diapers and visitors.... Don't let her stay. Don't host her visitors.