How to Deal with Family Overnight Guests for the Holidays

Oh how I love and dread it when my out of town family members come in for the holidays. This year I will have company for 2 weeks straight. I love to see them but it is so stressful and usually they are all so busy gabbing, I don't think they notice I'm working sunrise to sunset. Or, worse, they'll say Relax, honey, you're trying to do too much and I'll want to strangle them. How exactly is it they would put dinner for 12 on the table effortlessly? So this year, there will be rules. People will need to make their own breakfasts and lunches and clean up. This is actually hard for me because I like to cook and I always want to make special stuff but that's a large part of what wears me out so this year I decided nothing difficult was coming out of the kitchen (except me, I'm difficult and I'm coming out of the kitchen). I'm going to buy lunchmeat, bread, cheese, eggs, frozen waffles, cereal, bagels. We'll have a lot of carry outs and they can take turns paying for it and for the Christmas meal they're having lasagna, salad and bread because I can make it up the day before and for once, enjoy my company. I'm not looking in the bedrooms - the mess will make me nervous and they can strip their beds and bring their linens and towels to the laundry room on their way out the door. Good luck to you - it will all get done...but make them help you!

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I tell my parents I'll host whatever (it usually ends up being July 4th, but sometimes it's Christmas) but they have to stay at a hotel. They always do.

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If it was me, I'd bite the bullet this year....after all Santa come pretty late at my house, anyway....
Can you schluff them all into one area of your house?
And in the morning--start delegating! The Uncles can make the breakfast for everyone and your mom, dad & you can clean up. Have all of the stuff ready & handy & let them know the plan....you're doing Christmas dinner so they can pitch in and prepare a nice brunch for everyone--eggs, fruit, toast, muffins, etc.
THEN at dinner tell everyone since your kids are older now & better able to travel, you'll be making the trip home next year!

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If everybody expects you to host, don't do it next year. Inform everyone asap (even at Christmas this year, if you want to) That as your kids are getting older, you really want to do something different.
Maybe your family doesn't think they are being rude by assuming...you hosting the last 11 yrs makes it a tradition. If you don't do it next year (or even just inform everyone you *might* not do it) it could 'reset' their thinking and they would not be able to assume you were having it again. This year, though, enjoy your family, remember that they have their own schedules to work with and don't mean it in a hurtful way when they take you for granted, it probablly just never occoured to them... :)

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Did you know you can call local hotels from your home phone, tell them you are a local looking for the local discount? We saved a bunch. Also, if you don't mind family-owned hotels, they are selling rooms cheaper if cash.
My cousin who had always had us stay at her house decided we should get a hotel. She told us it would be better for her and gave us the number where she arranged the discount. We did not want to burden her and it didn't hurt our feelings at all.

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it's still pretty early in the game so you have plenty of time to redirect this. Assuming you are looking forward to their visit even tho uninvited, I would begin with a phone call to your mom stating that you really wish they would stay at a motel this year. Be honest. Tell everyone you realize that your house became an open invite for quite some time but things have changed and you really don't want all of the overnighters anymore. Some of them may only be coming because of the tradition that has been set forth....? Seriously there is nothing wrong with being honest with people. Assuming it will break their hearts or make them mad is just YOU guessing. If you are going to let them all stay again this year then you may as well just smile and get through the chaos on a joyful note, at least you know they all love coming there apparently :) and it's only a temporary inconvenience. Maybe you are just getting "cold feet" since it's getting closer and needed to vent?

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I am not sure exactly what the problem is that you are trying to find a solution for.
If you just don't want them staying in your home.....rent 2 rooms at a nearby hotel...one for your folks...one for you 3 brothers...tell them you KNEW they would be more comfortable there than "camping" in your house.
If you don't want them there at all....I think you are going to have to bite the bullet this year ...it is less than 2 weeks before the big day...a little late to be yanking the rug out from under them, unless you don't care about hurt feelings and strained relationships.
If you just need more HELP out of them while they are there then...SPEAK UP!!! They may think they are doing you a big favor by "staying out of the way" while you are cooking....let them know you need help and you expect it. Make it "family time" in the kitchen...put someone in charge of breakfast...someone in charge of the salad....the strongest brother in charge of basting the turkey and slicing it....divide up the "fun". And when it comes time to clean up after dinner..make SURE they are right there ready to help....BEFORE they all go and collapse on the sofa to watch football!!
A lot of this is going to have to do with your mental attitude...don't be so rigid that you are unhappy when things don't go according to your plan...just sort of go with the flow as much as you can Concentrate on the fact that you are making wonderful memories for your children and cementing family bonds. What a fabulous gift for your children!!

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It sounds like you're assuming that they aren't taking you and your wishes into consideration. I suggest that if you look at this in a different way you'll feel less bitter. The years have established a pattern that you've gone along with. They aren't aware that you do not like the pattern. It's not that they're rude or inconsiderate. They feel that this is a tradition and you haven't told them how you feel.

I suggest that you tell everyone that this year you're not able to have them stay with you and suggest a couple of motels/hotels that are near you. Tell your brother to not come over until Christmas morning. You don't have to give a reason. I've had to do things differently in similar situations and I just say I'm not feeling up to hosting this year. I'm guessing you don't have beds for everyone without juggling people and that in it's self is also a reason enough to ask that they stay at a motel. Just say you can't continue to upset your routine as you have in the past.

When I was traveling I assumed I could stay with friends. They handled it by booking and paying for a room for me. I felt badly about their paying and said I'd pay but the bill had already been paid when I checked out. I felt honored that they wanted to see me enough to pay for my room.

Be kind, gracious, and loving when you tell them you're changing the tradition. Expect them to graciously accept your wishes. They may be disappointed but then again they may be relieved. If money is a problem for them, perhaps you can help with the cost. If the cost is prohibitive for them and you, perhaps with a different attitude you could still host them by asking for more help from them. It's reasonable to tell your brother to not come late on Christmas Eve.

Your attitude and willingness to be honest in asking for what you need will make a big difference in how they behave while visiting. Show them love while being honest about meeting your own needs. If you just go along with it, it's unreasonable to expect them to do anything differently.

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Get the book "Boundaries" by McCloud and Townsend. It is OK for you to set some rules for your own home!!! Really, it is. Please, let everyone know that you just aren't up to hosting this year. That is all they really need to know. If it is too late and they've already bought plane tickets, you may want to just suck it up once again since they went to the expense. But if this is a driving trip, really, just let them know that you aren't up to it. Yes, they will complain but that's not your problem - that's their's. For those of us that struggle with boundaries, this is a hard concept but it really is ok to put your needs first in a situation like this. Good luck!

Maybe your family assumes you would not be willing to travel with 3 young children. I mean would you really want to take your kids out of their environment and rountine and travel during one of the busiest times of the year? Maybe due to space or logistics you are the assumed hostess b/c no one else can accomodate that many people. We have the same situation but I am actually greatful to host rather than having the time, expense, and stress of travel with a young child. Try to enjoy the time with family since you or your kids do NOT see them too often.

And if all else fails start the conversation this holiday about ideas for next year's get together. We found a rental HOUSE not a hotel for my sis, hubby and 2 kids only 5 mins away. And have used it in the past when my husband's extended family comes to visit. We used VRBO several times and have always had good experiences with it. It allows everyone to have their own space and comes with everything your home includes minus the clutter.

Good luck!

Let go of expectations, go with the flow and relax (once you let go of expectations, you will be able to relax and go with the flow). It's one time a year and like you said, your kids are excited.

You must provide a nice to place to be at the holidays or everyone wouldn't plan on coming.

So what if they are getting there late.. let them know the door will be unlocked and the lights on to their room and you will see them in the morning.

You've waited a little too late for others not to expect to come to your house if you have been hosting it for 11 years. You should have said something long before now.

Next year...........suggest in August someone else's home to be the host.

I think it may be too late to change it this year since it appears everyone has already planned on going. I bet they just thought you had started a new tradition. I would tell them when they are there that this year is your last for awhile. That way they know for next year and can hopefully plan something so every one can be together again! I wish you luck!

Oh can I feel your pain. I have a similar situation- everyone comes to my house and now I just feel like a maid/cook/concierge.

My advice is to pick your battles. You have been so nice for 11 years (at least!) and people have just come to assume Christmas is with you. Yes, it is presumptuous and a bit rude, but not surprising. I think at this point it would frustrate you more than it's worth to try and turn back the clock to a more formal invite type of event. If you want the next year off, I would say during this Christmas that you might be doing your own thing next year, or is anyone else willing to host because you don't think you can, etc. Just to remind them you are not willing to be the hub without question. This is your opportunity to express that it wears on you.

As for when people are there... decide ahead of time what your expectations and rules are and be VERY clear about them with people. Either as they arrive or at a dinner, go over these house rules. What do you want people to do with their dishes? Are they allowed to do laundry? Where can people eat/not eat? Think of these things that will help a little bit. But in my experience something will bother you- close quarters are always tricky. Either find a way to let people know this, or even e-mail ahead of time. If anyone says anything about the rules remind them "you know where they don't have these rules- hotels!"

My brother calls most holidays 'forced family fun'. Kind of sums it up. Good luck.

I would get through this year. Please try to enjoy it if you can. But next year in the summer time let your family know that you will not be hosting Christmas, that you want to do something different. Perhaps visit them for little vacation. You can also say that you will be taking the holiday is a resort with the kids, or going skiing. You can also say that since you've had the children that you need a quiet Holiday. Good luck!

Plan a trip out of town over the holiday weekend next year, be sure to let everyone know by letting them know who will be hosting it.

"Hey, mom. Hubby and I are going to the Bahama's over Christmas this year and we asked XX to host Christmas and she said yes. Tell everyone to call her about the plans."

There may be other wives out there or family members who feel cheated that they have to travel to your house every year over and over. They might love to have it at their home for a change.

It's time to speak up! Since you love for your kids to be able to see their grandparents, uncles and aunts, but don't feel up to hosting, you can tell this lovingly but clearly (!) to your family. After 11 years of doing the same thing, your hosting Christmas has become a family tradtition, one that everyone looks forward to except for you. What would the holidays look like if you could wave a magic wand and change things? Would you like some help around the house, having your guests book a hotel and just coming for the day or simply a little respect, communication and appreciation? Think about it and speak up. Keep your message simple and repeat if necessary.

You can choose to change things. You are the hostess and what you want matters. It may be hard to take action, knowing you may get some resistance but your sanity is worth it!

I posted similar frustrations a few weeks ago. I know how you feel. How about, when you call your relatives, to plan a potluck? Everyone, including the latecomers, brings something to eat so that the burden of you preparing for everyone is minimized. It may be too late to change plans and not host this year -- but, next year, start early in the season to discuss with your family other optionss, to change up plans every once in a while, "for fun."

Oh, I would just tell your mom, the first time she mentions it, that you and your husband are looking forward to spending a quiet Christmas together for the first time ever! Talk about YOUR plans early enough and tell your mom you hope she enjoys a quiet Christmas as well. IF this doesn't do the trick, then you will have to bight the bullet, so to speak, and tell your mom and other family members that you will NOT be hosting Christmas next year. Honesty is always best and make sure you keep reminding them throughout the year ~ some family members need reminding! Yes, I totally can understand your frustration. My family has to travel to be with us for the holidays and although I do not allow overnight visits, they are here at my house all day, every day they are visiting. It can be very trying on our nerves. I began by saying things in a nice way, in a way that was subtle but my family acts dumb so I had to get to a point where I just had to say, "Look, I love you but this just coming over to my house, unannounced and staying all day, every day, needs to stop." They got the hint! Try subtle. If that doesn't help you out, then go to plan B....just say what is on your mind and be very clear about it. Good luck!

I feel you!! It's difficult to be ON 24/7 with guests. I think this late in the game you should host the official holidays but they can certainly stay in a hotel close by. I like my space with visitors as well as when I am traveling.

It sounds to me like you need to set some boundaries and communicate in a clear, but nice & diplomatic way with your family. I would say something sooner than later. I would tell them that while you love seeing them over the holidays, 11 straight years of hosting has taken its toll and you wondered if anyone else would like to host next year. I wouldn't get into telling them their behavior is rude or anything like that. The truth is, your family probably just feels it's tradition at this point & if you've never said anything to them about it being taxing on you, how are they to know? Just let all that go, tell them succintly what you would like and leave the rest alone. If they ask why, just say that you think a change would be nice for you & your family. I think the less you say, the better. I don't know your family, so I don't know what their reaction will be. But if there is some dysfunction (like there is for most families :o) ) expect some bad reactions, but don't get sucked in to fighting or guilted into giving in. There is nothing wrong with you letting them know how you feel. Good luck!

It's time they learn about hotel reservations.

You have two weeks before they're due to come. Why don't you call mom and say you're not up for it. Or if you're willing to travel, tell her you'd like to be the guest for once. Just be straightforward.
I honestly would not like if we got raided for the holidays. I would very much like get-togethers for one of the days but not hosting overnight guests. Where does that leave you? Are you even able to enjoy the holidays?
We just spent a year having people come over for days at a time. I swear i think every month we had someone, alone, with kids, families etc. I have had enough. I told my husband next one who says i'd like to see you guys, let's just say alright when do you want to have us over?