My daughter is 20 and left home at 17 because we were too strict. Since then she has created a skewed story about how abused she was & my husband and I decided she would never live here again. She was manipulative and abusive to me personally and hasn't changed. She has a two year old who lives with us which enabled her to go to cosmetology school but it all went south when she broke up with her boyfriend last month (who was a good kid and was my granddaughter's saving grace). She's blamed her inability to get a job on him & says we are terrible parents who don't care about her. I've helped her more times than I can count but she never remembers this. I put my foot down and told her she was going to have to go through this on her own. Maybe she needs to hit rock bottom.
I feel terrible but my daughter is the epitomy of what the entitlement generation is. She called to ask me to call the cops on her behalf because her landlord changed the locks & put her stuff on the porch. I said she should call them herself since she knows the laws in this state. She only calls when she wants something or to get her daughter for a visit. I think she actually believes her own lies about us now. She is so far gone I fear I will lose her like I have my son (who died in a car accident at the end of last year). It's so bad I sometimes feel like she will do something really bad just to spite me & hurt my heart. She does it at every holiday/birthday.
She could do so much but she just can't finish anything she starts. She only has 8 months of school left and now she's not going! Her situation is so bad it's affecting her patience & quality time with the baby. I'm beside myself and just don't know what to do.
My first concern is for my granddaughter's welfare of course. She is safe here with us but I don't know if my daughter will come and take her just out of spite. Any direction or just comfort would help at this point.
There is a lot I could have put in here but suffice it to say my little girl has always been very headstrong & there's no amount of time-outs or restrictions you could give her that would make her think twice if she wanted to do something. Maybe high level Aspergers? We did therapy when she was young. It was a family therapy and we did it weekly. Very hard!
I was actually surprised at how many people spoke of lawyers and legal things. I hadn't thought that at all. I don't want to raise my granddaughter. I want her to be with her mother. She loves her dearly and that bond should not be broken. When I said she is safe, I meant emotionally secure. Her toddler bed and bedroom are like a little pink safe haven. :) Her mom does need to learn patience with a kid who's in their terrible twos though...
I've never been able to tell where I went wrong as a mom. I love her dearly & know she has it in her to move past this. Some people need to hit rock bottom I guess. I've helped her not with money but by paying for storage or insurance and of course taking care of the baby for a time.
I don't subscribe to the notion that just because you raised a child you are responsible for what they grow up to be. That child was raised with love & discipline. It was too normal for her I think.
Thanks for all of your comments. Therapy is a very real option for me and my grandaughter. I hope I can get my daughter to go. Perhaps if I say she can rage all she wants about me & dad?
Take care all!
welcome to mamapedia.
You need a lawyer to get full physical and sole custody of your grandchild.
You need counseling for you, your husband and your grand daughter.
You tell your adult daughter, she's an adult making adult decisions. She's got through things, she will get through this. Stay strong.
I'm sorry about the loss of your son.
ask yourself this question: HOW did my daughter become this way? What is MY responsibility and ownership in this situation? In all honesty, YOU are her mother. You raised her. Why didn't you stop this behavior earlier?
While I'm grateful that you are taking care of your grandchild? You further enabled her to go about her life with no responsibilities or consequences for her actions, again.
I applaud you for FINALLY stopping the enabling. You need to get yourself and your daughter into counseling. You need a family counselor to help you all resolve these issues so you don't make the same "mistakes" with your granddaughter.
You need to find a family lawyer and take custody, legally, of your granddaughter, if you haven't already. She will need counseling to help her understand what is going on. If your daughter is a manipulator, you never know what's she's telling her when she's with her. Maybe she needs supervised visits?
You and your husband MUST be on the same page and a united front. You have to work this together.
get her into therapy , go to counseling yourself, and seek legal advice from a lawyer on how to protect the child.
A friend of mine has a daughter like yours from the sounds of it - I think she has narcissistic personality disorder - I can't remember exactly. She needs tough love, but she still needs to know someone is there - to fall back on. Know what I mean?
I am no expert. She needs help - you just need to put her in touch with someone. That's what I would do if I were in your shoes.
As far as helping her with her crises (landlord, etc.) I think you just have to be there, to listen. I don't think you bail her out every time. You help kids learn how to help themselves. That old adage about teach a person to fish rather than giving them a fish .. I think you're right not to fix everything for her every time, but guide her, yes.
I know, I'm simplifying stuff here - I think really you're just hurt and fed up. Maybe counseling for you to learn how to parent her, and how to manage all this. I know I'd need a few sessions. You could even go to a few sessions with her - especially where you are looking after her daughter.
Maybe you already are. I am very sorry you've lost your son. I can't imagine the terrible grief you must be experiencing. I think some of that must be coming out here.
Best to you.
Added: Great advice - I came back on to see what others recommended. I don't know if your daughter has a personality disorder, mental illness, or just experienced stuff in life that left her feeling she can treat others this way .. or what the underlying cause is ... (not trying to diagnose her). Sometimes it is just personality. That's where a therapist could make suggestions. I took my 'challenging' (but lovable) child to a therapist when I found I lacked the skills to parent effectively. Then I went to separate sessions. I can't tell how supportive an environment that was. Hopefully you will find it helpful - I think the moms are bang on with suggesting getting legal advice also. Help yourself to help you to parent - then you'll be in a better position, to help both your granddaughter and daughter.
Wow, what a mess your daughter is. I'm so sorry. It sounds like you have to walk on eggshells around her. Would she be willing to do therapy if you pay for it? Together and separate might be helpful. Do you think she might have undiagnosed ADHD? Definitely do not enable her, treat her like an adult, but also express empathy to her when she comes to you. How do you help someone help themselves? That is a hard one. She has to learn to take responsibility for herself and her own life and her mistakes. Some people never learn this.That is why I think therapy might help her but only if she wants to work on herself and she sticks with it.
I think that any conversation you have with her needs to start in one place - a therapist's office. Tell her that you will help her by paying for counselling - for her individually, for you individually, and for her, you, and your husband together for family counselling.
A therapist can help you figure out the best way forward.
there's a world of untold story here, and i'm not asking that it be told.
just acknowledged.
i'm glad you're keeping the baby safe. hopefully your daughter will get her snit together soon and grow up.
i agree that she shouldn't move back in with you, but that's not really the issue, you say she 'wants help'. and you seem to want validation in denying her that.
i would not let a lying abusive child move in with me, but i'd never deny my kids help. and being their mom would never be in scare quotes.
she didn't just turn out this way overnight. if she's manipulative, abusive and entitled, someone had a hand in getting her there.
it's not looking rosy for the next generation either.
maybe it's time to look less at assigning blame and listing her peccadilloes and focus more on how to be of practical value. even if you've written off your own child, the grandchild surely deserves more.
khairete
S.
You and I could have the same daughter! Mine is now 37. I have guardianship of two of her five children; two of the others are adults and the other younger child lives with her paternal grandmother. I have heard "You're my mom! You're supposed to help me!" more times than I can count. You just have to learn to say no and let them suffer the consequences of their choices. It's hard, I know, but over time it gets easier. If I were you, I would file for guardianship of your granddaughter right away to remove the threat of her taking the child and then "no" will be MUCH easier. You can't keep bailing her out because it will NEVER stop!
I just read your SWH and I also did not want to raise my grandchildren - I just wanted to be grandma, but it wasn't in the kids' best interests to let them stay with their mom. I have not broken the mother/child bond between my daughter and her children. They still see her and talk to her and love her fiercely, but they also know they are better off, physically and emotionally living with me and it's where they want and need to be.
Please seek legal guardianship of your grandchild then, when you legally have a court order, you can deny her visitation.
And here's why. If you allow this child to go with her, anywhere.
When we got guardianship of our grand kids the judge sat us down in his chambers. He told us several things. He said we'd come to him to say my daughter was unfit, he was agreeing with us, he said that we would not be responsible for them totally, that if we let the grand kids even walk around Walmart while we were there and one of them stubbed their toe that he would make sure that he came after us with every legal power he could.
He was trying to get us to understand that we said she was unfit, he agreed, but if we let the kids go with her for any reason or see her and she acted out that WE were the ones that were being neglectful and WE were the ones allowing them to be in a dangerous situation.
Your daughter doesn't sound stable and if she's not stable she can't be around the kiddo. Period. YOU could be held legally responsible.
Another grandparent raising grandchildren that I know allowed her son, who was doing very well, to take his kids to his house for a visit. Their mom showed up, he let her see the kids, the court found out the kids were around this mom and they took the grandkids away from this other grandmother and put them in foster care since the dad obviously wasn't going to protect them from the mom either.
Letting your daughter see her kiddo can come back to bite you in the butt. If you don't have legal, court ordered, judge signed, registered with the court clerk, notarized court papers that say you have the right to keep her child from her then she can file charges on you and have you arrested for interfering with her parental rights.
So one way or the other you have to make a change. Either have legal guardianship and keep those kids from her until she's stable or go get legal guardianship while she's homeless and the court will side with you without much investigation.
Ok her having high functioning Asperger's was something you defiantly should have put in your original post. I think some of the responses might have been a little different. At least mine will be knowing that. That makes how she's being make more senses to me. She may be able to be on her own and live on her own but sounds like she still needs someone to be a support to her and guide her. If it can't be you maybe you should see if there are programs around for mentor ship type thing. My husband works with someone like that and yes he lives on his own. But the social skills are not there and he needs someone to keep him in line so to speak that he feels safe with that can be a support to stand up for him when he doesn't even know he needs to or can stand up for himself. That's why she asked you to call the land lord. She may not have felt comfortable doing it. You may have gone to counseling when she was younger but it sounds like you need to go back and as a family. But it sounds also like you need counseling yourself separate for your daughter.
