My Daughter Is Missing. I Need Some Prayers, and Maybe Some Xanax!

I have a sibling with oppositional defiance disorder.... I know how hard it can be. Hang in there, get tough and follow through with pressing charges and getting her butt in juvie, and get permanent custody of that precious grandbaby! My sibling straightened out around the age of 24 or so... so there is hope, they just have to hit rock bottom (a couple of times) before they decide to try and change.

Go to the court and file for an emergency order of protection for your granddaughter. That will start the court process and give you a court order so that if your daughter shows up she will have no legal right to take your granddaughter.

I haven't seen anything as bad as what you are describing but the cases I have seen the daughter uses the grandchild to control the situation and get money out of parents that they used for drugs.

Sorry you are going through all this.

Does she have a psychiatrist? If she does, I would contact him, and ask him to order a section 12. It is an order that wherever she is, she will need to be picked up by police and taken to emergency psychiatric care. Once she is picked up, she will be taken to the hospital, and cannot leave without obtaining a psychiatric evaluation. The psychiatrist can request for her to have a in-patient hospitalization. Once that takes place, you can find out if she qualifies for placement in an institutional setting, residential program, or some other placement for her to get help. She also might need to get a Roger's Guardianship. Which sometimes is a family member, attorney, or another person that is designated to be in charge of her medical/psychiatric care. This will be court ordered, and she will not be able to make any medical or psychiatric decisions without the guardian's approval.

I hope this helps.

We went to the county court house and talked to the court clerk. They handed us the papers to file for guardianship. The judge walked by while we were filing them out. He stood there and actually helped us too. We had a hearing that day and were granted temporary guardianship and a regular hearing scheduled for a month later.

You have to let them know in certain ways that there is a court hearing. There are specific ways they have to legally show that all interested parties have been given proper notice.

She was given notice by way of being served papers where she was living, we had to post it in the newspapers where ever we thought she was, the dad had to be notified, it is their child after all and they have a legal right to their child regardless of our feelings about that. There is a set way of doing this and if it is not followed you will just get your hearing postponed. The court's way is the only way.

The judge told us that everything would go much smoother if we had an attorney. We found one and paid him cash up front, I think it was about $1200. We borrowed the money from different relatives and pawned a lot of stuff to raise the money.

Our grand kids are worth every effort.

When we had our final hearing and all was done we had to raise our hand and swear an oath. The judge told us that we had brought this case to him for judgement. We knew my daughter was not a safe person/place for the kids, we knew she was a threat to their by her lifestyle. Therefore if we let the kids go with her anywhere and something happened to them, even if is was minor, he would throw the book at us and follow through to the fullest extent of the law. It would be our fault for putting them in danger and our fault if anything happened to them while she was anywhere around.

We attend a local grandparents raising grandchildren group here in my area. I can tell you there have been grandparents walk in our meetings in tears and walk out laughing because they found support and help from people in similar situations. They are the best support you can get. They have already been through this. They know what you are feeling and the joy and the sorrow. You need to find your local group.
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Now, as for your daughter. She is young. If she survives her rebellious years she may grow up to be a good adult, it does happen, seriously, I just saw my 32 year old daughter change into an adult finally. She is actually a good mom too.

I dread when she figures out that ALL guardianship is revocable. She can go at any time to the judge and ask for our guardianship to be set aside. They would do it too. She is not doing drugs anymore, the state is totally out of her life, she is living on her own and going to college, she is a loving and caring mother to her baby that lives with her, she has changed at last.

The threat she posed to her children is gone. She is able to provide a stable and loving home the them now so she would win in court no matter what.

All guardianship is temporary. Nothing can take away that parents right to be their children's parent except the state after going through a long drawn out period of time while the parent works through the issues that took their children from them. They have a right to their offspring. If they voluntarily give up those rights and the father gives up his parental rights you may have the option to adopt your grandchild. Otherwise guardianship is the best you can get.

You can bluff her until she figures out she still has the right to take the child back. Telling her no and making all the rules from the start is okay. We did not allow my daughter to have any visitation that we did not supervise. She was not allowed to take the kids anywhere by herself. We just told her the judge said no.
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I am going to add a bunch of links. Some of them will have little information but since I am not contacting them I don't know if they have a lot of information on their call lines for grandparents, it's worth calling them to find out...

Some statistics for your area, has some links on the left side that may be of value to you.
http://www.grandsplace.org/gp8/in.html

AARP is a HUGE resource, they have tons and tons of resources you can take advantage of.
http://assets.aarp.org/rgcenter/general/kinship_care_2005...

This group is in another town but they may know of local groups or resources in your area.
http://www.indyschild.com/Listing-14251.112112-36382.1121...

I am actually saving this one to my favorites. I think it has a lot of links that are useful.
http://www.lifestreaminc.org/index/caregiver/grandparents...

This is your local hospital's site. About half way down this one there is a section called upcoming events. This is an older newsletter but they may still be having the grandparents monthly meeting. It is worth the call.
http://www.stfrancishospitals.org/images/GHT/Winter%2008.pdf

Added per your SWH:
Not trying to be critical, K.. I'm trying to be HONEST. You came here for advice. That's what we are giving. All the I'm sorry's in the world won't help you. You hadn't told us that you had a psychiatrist, a counselor or had her on her birth control until your SWH. It's not up to us to guess. You have good advise on this thread, especially from those who have gone through it. Again, I'm not being critical. Honesty is different from just being critical.

Original:
Your daughter needs to go to juvie. Get ahold of family court and file a petition for custody of your granddaughter. Ask the judge to put your daughter in juvie to protect her from these men.

Also ask for court ordered counseling for her. She isn't going to stop having sex, but at least you could possibly keep the men away until she is older.

Did you get her depo provera shots or Norplant? If you didn't, you are foolish, grandma. I don't mean to be harsh, but hiding your head in the sand about her being sexually active is only going to get you more grand kids.

I don't know what you did or didn't do to lose your daughter like this, but you need counseling too. There is possibly something amiss in the way you raise your kids and you need to find out what it is in order to help prevent the other kids from following suit. If your counselor determines that you are doing things right, and your daughter is a "bad seed", at least you know you tried and left no stone unturned.

Now is not the time to be defensive or stubborn. Now is the time to try to be objective and find help for your overall family.

I have a feeling that your daughter will come home on her own- an older man isn't going to want to keep her for more than sex - but you need to get the police to go get her so that they can arrest the man.

A year from now (according to the laws in your state), you can't do anything about her running away. That's why I think juvie is best for her.

Get the legal stuff handled now with your granddaughter. Your 15 year old will likely never act as a mother, so you'll just have to BE the mother, I'm afraid.

Good luck,
Dawn

As Rebecca said you need to go immediatly to the courts, call S.Services, etc..

I have 4 daughters, 3 professionals who are wonderful parents to one or two children & one who has had 8 children 3 of which we have & have had since 2000.

She is going to have to fall to the bottom & either pull HERSELF up & out or simply stay there. You will ALWAYZ love her, but that doesn't mean you have to LIKE her or PUT UP with her behavior. You MUST NOT allow her back into your home again, she is POISEN to your other children & to her child @ this point!

I am so very sorry for your pain, PLEASE feel free to contact me via a private message if you want, I am here for you...

Blessed Be...

:(
So sorry, mama. I said a quick prayer for you guys.
I know fellow foster parents who have adopted kids with ODD. It can be very, very difficult to deal with. Hugs to you!

Wow - my thoughts and prayers are with you. Wish I had some advice, but I don't know what I'd do in your shoes. It's easy to say tough love is in order, but I know as a parent it is very hard to do that to your child, especially a girl. I would contact an attorney to get permanent custody of Rosalie.

I'm so sorry K..

I can understand why this breaks your heart. Finding out that your child has been sexually assaulted for years, and probably feels responsible for it (she was groomed), that's no picnic. It also helps to explain some of her behavior. Surviving SA can look a lot of different ways.

I'm really glad you took this to the police. Hope those guys get what's comin'.

I disagree with the suggestion to send her to JV, simply because it is an environment that usually does more damage than good. The kids usually come out more messed up, but with more strategies for pulling off their shenanigans. In other words, they come out smarter criminals.

My husband, who was running away and engaging in high risk behaviors as a young teen (and had lost his mother to a car accident, and had been sexually assaulted by a neighbor - so he was in trauma as well which changes the game a fair bit), was sent to JV, boot camp, and a raft of other programs, didn't benefit from them one bit.

One thing that DID help, however, was an intervention based outdoor school. One can find a lot of negative press surrounding them, but according to him it changed his life. He still got into a great deal of trouble afterwards, but it helped orient him and keep him safe until he was ready to get help for himself in his early twenties. He's gotten in contact with some of the kids he shared the program with, via facebook, and it seems like they are also doing well (they're in their early thirties now).

Okay, onto your grand baby. You'll want to meet with a family law attorney tomorrow. Find someone who has a good reputation in the community. The emergency contact order (if it's anything like here) will protect you for 72hrs while you put something else in place. You could go one of two directions, trying to sever parental rights (by proving both bio parents are unfit - much harder than it sounds) and adopting, or by petitioning for temporary non parental custody. Again, that's all Washington based, so I'm not sure if it applies in your state.

One more thing, you might pick up the book "The Explosive Child". It's been really helpful in our home.

My heart goes out to you. Such hard, heartbreaking stuff. I will be prayin', you bet.

omg, this is so sad. I have two young daughters, and my heart is absolutely breaking for you. I don't have anything to contribute but love, good thoughts, and prayers. I hope that Rosalie is a comfort for you during this difficult time. :(

I have no answer's for you at all.

So I will leave it at.....You are in my thoughts and Prayers.

I know you have stood by your daughters and now your grand daughter, which says ALOT about your Character and how amazing you are.

Do not feel bad for having to take some form of control for your Grand daughter's sake.

I have a son with ODD(he is only four so we are new with it and dont have much more issue then him constantly hurting me).....I know how badly it can stink sometimes.

God and time, will see you through this. Patience is a must. Just be looking for his work in your life right now:)

Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way. Peace & Blessings...

I agree with Dawn, 100%. So I'm going to repost what she wrote, so you can re-read it. I also agree with Rebecca B. Someone else needs to be raising Madison at this point. Here's Dawn's response again; Rebecca's is below.

Your daughter needs to go to juvie. Get ahold of family court and file a petition for custody of your granddaughter. Ask the judge to put your daughter in juvie to protect her from these men.

Also ask for court ordered counseling for her. She isn't going to stop having sex, but at least you could possibly keep the men away until she is older.

Did you get her depo provera shots or Norplant? If you didn't, you are foolish, grandma. I don't mean to be harsh, but hiding your head in the sand about her being sexually active is only going to get you more grand kids.

I don't know what you did or didn't do to lose your daughter like this, but you need counseling too. There is possibly something amiss in the way you raise your kids and you need to find out what it is in order to help prevent the other kids from following suit. If your counselor determines that you are doing things right, and your daughter is a "bad seed", at least you know you tried and left no stone unturned.

Now is not the time to be defensive or stubborn. Now is the time to try to be objective and find help for your overall family.

I have a feeling that your daughter will come home on her own- an older man isn't going to want to keep her for more than sex - but you need to get the police to go get her so that they can arrest the man.

A year from now (according to the laws in your state), you can't do anything about her running away. That's why I think juvie is best for her.

Get the legal stuff handled now with your granddaughter. Your 15 year old will likely never act as a mother, so you'll just have to BE the mother, I'm afraid.

Sending prayers your way.

I am following the answers you are receiving because I'm afraid my niece is doing things that will send her down a smiliar path. She meets people on line and then gets cell numbers and starts texting. The things they are saying are very sexually explict and she is only 12!! Her home life (my sisters kiddo) is not wonderful and I think she is acting out to get the attention every child deserves.

I hope your daughter is found safe!

M

I will pray for your heart so it can mend so you can have the strength to move forward for your other children.

As for full custody of your grandchild is easy, she abandoned her child and cannot be find. Go to the courts give them the police report that you filed yet another missing report. They will give you custody then you can go through the state to get assistant for her and your family in raising her.

Sometimes children who are lost in themselves are not the family fault. It is the curiosity that children now have with the internet, cell phones, iPhones and other technology that is out there that connects them with the unknown. Not knowing sometimes is the best thing, knowing is finding a missing earring in a drifting sea left with unanswered questions.

I was taught in bible class that when the answer to your questions was to great for you to bare, open up a bible, read the pages you have open up to and the answers will be there.

I will find you the pslam book I have which you can get free in the mail. If you have faith the Lord will lead to greater things. Pray for your daughter don't hate her because she is lost and needs to be found not by the police but by the Lord.

God Bless

im so sorry for you and your family. im sending you good thougths and prayers for strength in making some really hard decisions. tough love is not just words its tough. i pray you guys come out on top!

blessing d

To get that emergency custody order, you be at your local courthouse first thing Thursday morning (unless your area is big enough to have something open today) when it opens! Any clerk there can direct you to what you need and where to go.

With this order, there is usually another hearing in about 3 days which will further set the little one's custody - from what you say here, this should not be a problem and it also may be that your daughter doesn't show for this (not sure how that might be handled in Indiana but know a grandma from another site I'm on that might know).

Next thing - have you documented all these times your daughter has run off like this and left the child? If not, do so! I understand the post that says no to CPS - because CPS tends to look at it as the daughter has left the child with a responsible party (you) so there is nothing wrong in their eyes (really??? but it is true).

Let me know if you need any other info and I'll see what I can find out thru my online friend. And you'd be more than welcome to join that site if you should be so inclined!