Daughter and I Had an Argument

There is nothing unhealthy about eating while on the computer. That's how I eat my lunch at work because my 30 minutes is my alone time to look at different websites or watch a video or simply get a few things done. I can look at my computer, or I can read a book. Either way, I eat the same amount of food.

If you don't want her to eat in her room because you don't want food in the bedrooms, that's one thing. But if you're saying that for any other reason, you need to let it go and let her be an adult.

You have s 22yr old acting like a 2 yr old.

Why is she still living at home? Why is she on food stamps? Does she not work and contribute to the family?

As far as her eating and health habits, it is up to her and no one else to make those changes. Sounds like she needs a wake up call.

If she were my daughter.... She'd have an ample notice (NO more than 30 days) to get a job, get a pace to live and get out. That behavior would not be tolerated in my household.

Oh boy. You are creating an awful situation and need to maybe reflect on appropriate boundaries.

First, your daughter is an adult. If she's living at home, you need to reframe your relationship to be more like roommates than parent/child. If you were renting out her room or had a guest staying and they took food to their room, as long as they didn't leave leftovers or dirty dishes there, you wouldn't say anything, right? Same here. My 20 year old son lives at home and his bedroom is disgusting. I just close the door. Don't micromanage where another adult eats as long is it gets cleaned up.

Second, LEAVE HER WEIGHT ALONE. Do you think anyone who is overweight is going to lose weight because they get criticized, judged and shamed? Because that's what you're doing. STOP IT. NOW. Don't say a word to her about her weight ever again. Really. I'm overweight and if my mom said something to me about it, it would be the last conversation I had with her for a long time. If she's overweight, she knows it. She lives it every day. Pointing it out won't help. It's her problem to deal with, or not, on whatever timeline and by whatever method works for her.

Third, perhaps it's time for her to live on her own? I know that a lot of young adults live at home (including mine) and with the cost of living so high or being in school it makes sense, but not of a relationship is getting toxic like yours is. If she lived somewhere with roommates, she'd be making her own choices without you being way too in her business. And any long-term health issues will be hers to deal with and not your problem or your expense. I think that's a stretch of an argument you're making to justify trying to control her.

Letting our kids become adults who make their own choices and live with the consequences is hard, especially when we would choose differently for them. You might think you're acting out of love, but it's coming across like control to her and that's not healthy. You're going to have to learn to let go and let her figure things out...if you can't do that while she's in your house, then I would work on getting her into her own place.

She's 22. Your parenting is done. You're past being responsible for her weight. Whatever adult life skills she has, she learned from you. If you didn't do that great a job, this is not the time to try to make up for it.

She's an adult. And so are you. You are fighting over a bowl of pasta and grabbing it out of her hands, she's crying, and it sounds like a bunch of kids fighting on the playground. And you're constantly bringing up her weight even though it's been unsuccessful in the past, yet you keep doing the same thing because you think - what? - that somehow the same futile technique will suddenly work now? She wants to eat in her room because she doesn't want o be around you. You seem to think that sitting at a desk puts on the pounds more than sitting at a table. I don't understand that.

You either get some family counseling on how to have productive adult relationships with whoever lives in your house, or you tell your adult daughter that she needs to find her own place where you will have no role in her adult choices. Your taxes aren't going to change one bit whether she goes off food stamps or not, or whether she goes to the doctor or not. This fighting is entirely about being right and not about what's logical, let alone what's good for either your daughter or you.

If the issue was eating someplace other then the kitchen I would be on your side, it is your house and expecting food to be consumed at the table is completely reasonable. BUT, you should not be bullying your daughter about her weight, ever. It is not your place to comment on anyones body. She is 22, not 2, you no longer get to decide what she can and cannot eat.

She's an adult.
Getting into a shouting match and snatching food out of your daughters hands is not how adults treat other adults.
It's up to her to handle her health issues.
And weight management is not easy.
You are shaming her - that's not helping - so she's hiding her eating.
This whole situation isn't healthy.

She might be ready to move out and live on her own.
A roommate can help with expenses and hopefully your daughter has a job.
Living apart will be good for you and for her.

You love your daughter and want what is best for her but your approach was wrong on so many levels.

Apologize to her. Also, try putting yourself in her shoes. You are suppose to be her support system and a soft place for her to fall instead you tell her she is fat. Did you ever think she could be eating to rebel against you? I obviously don’t know if she’s doing this but you can not control what a 22 yo adult eats.

Make sure you only have healthy foods in the house. If she buys fast food or junk food on her own that is her prerogative.

Consider that even if she adhered to your only eating in the kitchen rule in your house, it would not be the solution to her weight problem. You make good points about healthy eating habits, but being overweight is a complex problem, with multiple solutions and strategies that almost always need to be applied together to achieve success. This ONE particular rule isn't the battle you want to pick to enforce with her. It's having a negative effect on your relationship. It's not helpful, and it's not worth it to dig in your heels here.

She's an adult, free to go out and eat whatever and whenever she wants to eat. Heck, even teenagers have so much freedom just to eat whatever junk food they desire, out of the house. My 16 year old came home with Arbys fries and shake tonight. She and her friends went there after school. She used her babysitting money to treat herself. Sometimes it takes awhile before young people realize and regret that too much indulgence packs on the pounds. And only when they get to that point of discovery, they find the motivation to change some unhealthy habits.

What can you do? Don't buy her junk food, which I believe you don't so that's good. Stock your house with healthy foods only. Eat meals together as a family. She probably won't participate in much of that (my 18 year old doesn't). But still always invite her to join you at the kitchen table for meals.

Start an exercise program. Invite her to join you. Yoga classes or videos, bicycle riding, whatever. If she declines, do it anyway yourself. You'll be a good role model. And she may decide to join you down the road if you keep inviting her. Not by shaming her, but by welcoming her company.

You seem to resent paying for the costs in general for obesity in society. That's a big issue, for sure. But don't take it all out on your daughter. At 22, she would probably really desire to be living independently. Consider encouraging her in pursuits that support her independence, school, work, etc. It will help bolster her self-esteem, and with healthier self esteem, she may start taking better care of herself.

And finally, I will say that your daughter is the only one who can decide and find the motivation to lose her extra weight. Accept that it is her responsibility and choice to change, not yours. Maybe she's just not ready yet.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that your daughter is disabled in some way (what 22 yr old screams and cries). IF she is disabled, then she needs to move to a group home.

If she isn't disabled, and acts this way (weight issue or not), some serious parenting issues are in play here that created a situation that led to your 22 yr old adult daughter, living on food stamps, eating in her room against house rules, and having screaming fits. Pack her bags and ask her to move out.

Either way, this is an extremely toxic situation that needs to change immediately (and counseling for you wouldn't hurt - what parent equates computer + food + fat = spending my tax dollars?)

Sheesh . . .

I cringed just reading this.

There's nothing wrong with a 22 year old living at home if there's a reason for this (part of a plan) and if she's contributing somehow. Some adult children are in college and living at home, some are trying to save for their first place, whatever. Some contribute rent ... I don't know your circumstances.

There have to be boundaries. She's an adult. So are you. Treat each other with respect. If you can't, then she needs to move out.

If she is not to eat in her bedroom - then she doesn't. That's a house rule. We have them here. You don't rip food out of her hands. You just calmly set rules when no one is upset. Say if you can't abide by house rules, it might be time for you to find new place to live. Get hubby's support for back up. New plan for living arrangements.

As for her weight - this is where I cringed. I have a close friend with weight issues and it's been a struggle for her for years. If her mother had said this to her, I think her self esteem would have plummeted. You are giving her ultimatums over something that she likely feels very out of control about.

An ultimatum is just going to make her feel more pressured. I don't know why she is home, on food stamps, etc. in the first place. Sounds like things are not going her way as it is. I think just be supportive, change your tune, help her with a plan for success, and support her to get her on track and maybe out of your house. Let the weight issue go.

She can handle that herself when she finds confidence - for now, just back her up and empower her. Help her to help herself.

I had an aunt that was similar to you with weight issues with me when I was a teen. She meant well but sometimes it didn't work so good.

Your daughter can do one of two things: 1) figure a way to loose the weight on her own or 2) continue what she is doing. It is a mental thing that SHE has to figure out. My aunt's words sometimes still come back to haunt me and I am 70 years old. But, I made the choice to change how I looked and to be a size that was appropriate for the changing world of the 60s and 70s.

There is a saying about leading a horse to water - you can't make it drink. So do step back and let her live her life whether it is in your home or in her own apartment. Then you get a few hobbies to keep you busy with your life and not your daughter's.

the other S.

PS Life is too short to be put through this much pressure from a family member. I did seek counseling from the school I was attending and the counselor suggested that I do what I wanted to do and leave my aunt out of the equation. My life got a lot better quite quickly. Cyber hug to you.

My husband called me fat. I cried my eyes out then drowned my emotions in candy and wine... There is a better way to handle someone who is overweight. And calling them fat is not it.
Talk to her. Have a talk with a dr. Get family counseling

Sounds like she's an adult that needs to get her own place.

Welcome to mamapedia, R. D.

Your daughter is an adult. She needs to move out and live life on her own.

She's an adult. YOU don't pay for her way. SHE does. Stop enabling her and tell her she's got 30 days to find a place to live. On the 31st day if she's not gone? Change the locks and leave her stuff on the front porch.

Stop bitching to her about her weight. Let her live her life. Plenty of people eat while in front of the computer.

Eating before bed is NOT ALWAYS unhealthy. It depends upon what she eats.

STOP babying her. Kick her butt out and let her be an adult!

your daughter is an adult. She needs to be living on her own. As an adult, unless there is a medical condition that keeps her in your home, you are no longer responsible for her after the age of 18.

Stop pressuring her about her weight. Tell her she needs to be a birdie and fly the nest. Help her find a place she can afford and help her move out.

She should have graduated college by now. Why isn't she working and living on her own?
IF you're worried about her weight? Have her join the military. They'll get her in shape and she'll be on her own, eating healthy and you won't have to worry about her eating where she wants to eat.

Your relationship sounds toxic and could be contributing to her weight issues.

Time for you two to distance yourselves from one another. Your daughter is 22 and should find her own place and support herself.

She is 22 - long past the age where you get to decide what and how much she eats. If she is overweight, she knows it. She doesn't need you to remind her or be the food police. She will either do something about it or she won't. Nagging her won't help.

Sounds like the two of you need to be living under different roofs.

There has to be more to this story.

Oh boy. You are fighting over something so unimportant and idiotic. Do you always feel like you need to be in control? You grabbed the bowl away? What? She is a freaking adult. You have a rule she is not allowed to eat in front of her computer?! What, do you think she is 6 years old? I can pretty much tell you all college students or 22 year olds will regularly eat something while on the computer. Heck, I do it at times. I think it is past time for you to let her make her own decisions in life and stop judging her. Also, she needs to stop relying on her parents and start being self sufficient in life. She needs to get her own place so that her controlling mother isn't grabbing pasta out of her hands, telling her what to do, and judging her for being overweight. She needs to be around friends her own age who like her and respect her just the way she is and who do not put her down. It sounds to me like you are very controlling and emotionally abusive and I suggest you start seeing a therapist to try to work on yourself.

Your daughter is an adult. She can choose to eat what she wants and when she wants. As for eating in her room...that's not something I'd have a problem with as long as she brought the dishes back in the kitchen when she was done.

You sound very controlling, sorry, grabbing her food from her is beyond what I'd think was okay for you to do.

I think she needs to move out so she can learn to make her own decisions and live life. She'll make mistakes of course but she'll be happier.