A Good Plan or a Bad Plan??

You may not like what I have to say but here it goes any way.

Your daughter sounds like a typical kid. They all tend to snack, but when the adults in their life start obsessing over food, they tend to hide it. Putting a fridge in her room just adds to the obsession.

It sounds as if all of the adults in her life are far more obsessed with food than she is. Kids should never be yelled at by grandma and told they are selfish for eating something in their own kitchen. I just dont get it. If they eat the last of something that she wanted, does she call them selfish. Or is it only when they dont get what they want that they are allowed to make a big deal out of it.

So she is hiding and esting food in her room. The kind of food that she eats has a lot to do with ADHD. If it doesnt come into the house she cant eat it. if you dont want her to eat it, dont buy it. If you buy it, dont complain about her eating it. I am less upset about her hiding and eating than I am about the other adults in the house.

If you want her to eat healthy you can not decide to teach her about nutrition and expect her to make the decisions herself, she is a kid. You make the decisions at the store while you are shopping. If she has fruit to eat, there is no need to hide to eat it. Let her enjoy it.

You are obsessing about her weight, when in reality the food is not the problem, obsession begets obsession. Hubby and Grandma seem to think they have more rights to the last of something than she has, obsessions begets obsession. Seh is hinding to eat food, rather than feeling like the she has the right to eat it in the open, obsession begets obsession. Buy the right foods, and let the kid eat. Tell Grandma and hubby that if they want they should eat it, otherwise shut up about it. If it gets eaten before they get to it, well so what!!!!

If you have to put a fridge in her room, you are just adding to the obsession!

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I can tell you from first hand experience that trying to help your daughter avoid a lifetime of dieting just because that has been your problem, will contribute to her sneaking and hiding of food. My mother did the same thing to me. One night when I was an older teenager, she came into my room late at night and told me that if I didn't stop eating, I was going to weigh 300 lbs. I had been sneaking and hiding food for years, as every time I grabbed anything to eat all I heard was: "That will make you fat." I finally told her that if she ever bugged me again about my weight that I'd never speak to her again--shocked her but finally shut her up. AND the obsession your husband and mother have, and I'm guessing that comes from having to share a limited amount of food with many other family members, means your daughter is getting it from all sides. Is food rationed in your household? Do your mother and husband not know where their next "treat" will come from? Tell your mother not to make a pie if she isn't willing to share it (sounds like something you'd tell a 5 year old, doesn't it?). If the pie incident is typical of life in your household... YIKES! Selfish, for having a piece of pie? I'd say your entire family needs counseling regarding food. The things you describe that your daughter is being subjected to could easily lead to an eating disorder far greater than just sneaking and hiding food. Get help.

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Stop buying the types of food she feels she needs to sneak and the problem is solved. She eats what you bring home. Period. Sounds like the whole family needs to eat healthier anyway.

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Unfortunately, you probably can't change the eating habits of your mother or husband at this point in time. You can encourage them to be more respectful to your daughter but they are adults and will do what they want. As for your daughter, what kinds of things does she snack on more? It sounds like you are trying to give her healthy snacks. Do you also offer nuts and veggies? I love to snack on nuts because they give you the same sensation as chips but are healthy for you. I would also recommend gum. It she is just eatting because she is bored, the gum might help give her mouth something to do without all the calories. I can also see the ups and downs of the frig. You might try it for a little while and see how it works. If it doesn't you can always take it back out of her room.

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S....I hate to say this but I feel like all of the worrying and talking that you are doing with your daughter about food is just adding to the situation.
I notice that your MIL lives with you....is it your house that she is living in or her house that you are living in?
If it is your house ( and she isn't the one doing the major financial support of the family) then you have a right to respectfully explain to her how much harm she is doing to her grand daughter by being so wrapped up with the food issues. If it is her house...then you and your husband need to make it your top priority to get a place of your own...not only for your daughters sake, but because you will be able to build a more solidified family unit and have a stronger marriage if you all learn to depend upon each other. I know that in these hard economic times it is sometimes necessary for generations of families to come together to live...but it isn't the ideal situation.
I agree with what some of the other Mamas have said...YOU make the decisions while you are at the store about what is going to be in the house for snacks...fruit fresh veggies etc.
As to the refrigerator...I would NOT put a fridge in your daughters' room!!! This is just going to lead to more out of control eating, as far as I am concerned. Where I WOULD putt a fridge is in your MIL's room...let her keep her pies, ice cream etc in HER refrigerator so she has control over them and your daughter has less access to them!!!
R. Ann

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Hi S.,
I believe you get the picture from what others have posted. I just wanted to add something else.
I think it's o.k. to snack often...if it is the right food and proportion, it can even lead to weight loss because the metabolism is constantly fueled. When it is starved, it will not burn as efficiently and hold on to what ever you give it, creating fat cells.
I think WHERE you eat can foster good/bad eating habits. If she is eating in her room, sleeping in her room, studying there, too...there are too many mixed signals going on. It will condition her mind in a lot of wrong ways. If she has a fridge and can snack at her leisure in her room, eventually her mind will associate studying = eating. It might even start a whole new problem like sleep eating!
It's like why people say it's bad to eat in front of the TV...eventually, it conditions the mind to think that you need to eat every time you sit down to watch a show.
It will help her to get a schedule worked out to where she eats 6 times a day...sound like a lot? Not really if she eats the right food and proportions.
Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack...every time it's at the table.
As far as the other adults...I like the idea of a mini fridge in MIL's room. That way, when she buys the things you won't, it won't be a threat to your healthy eating efforts.
Good luck, S..

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From some who has dealt with overeating, it is more about controlling something in your life or trying to fulfill something that is missing. I am a compulsive eater. I would start with your doctor have her thyroid and blood sugar check. Then if all seem fine take her to counseling, it is better she addresses these issues now than when she is 30. All of the bickering and monitoring can be very hurtful to her self image. We also home school and and we have a set time for snack and lunch, so that might help. Also maybe work in a daily walk, bike ride or even weekly roller skating. I know in through the fall and the spring there is a home school time for roller skating. Good luck and feel free to send me a message if you need any support.

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Another idea for the entire family maybe? Only allow food to be eaten at the table, this should stop some of the mindless eating. I know it will be hard, but it should stop some of the problems with rotting food (I would think that your daycare could be closed because of this). I know I would eat a lot less if I had that rule :)

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Have you considered simply not purchasing the foods you don't want your family to have. For example, your child can't sneak ice cream if there's none in the house. You all could go out for ice cream as a treat, like a family night. Growing up, we never had issues with sneaking food because the food in our house was for everyone-even guests and strangers. The idea of "sneaking" implies that the "sneaker" is doing something wrong otherwise why "sneak" it? If it's not wrong one should not be afraid to do it openly. I understand that sometimes food should be designated for just one person. My mother later developed type 2 diabetes. The Glucerna shakes in the fridge were just for her. I don't agree with your mother that your 9 year old is selfish. But if you give her her own refrigerator with her own snacks it may teach her to be selfish. The food in that fridge would be hers and no one elses. That would mean that she doesn't have to share it. Instead, I suggest that your mother get her own fridge with a lock on it. She can keep it in her room and she and your husband can argue over who gets what. Instead of getting a refrigerator for your daughter, just get a luch box or a small cooler. Pack her days snacks in it and send her off to class. That way, she won't have to leave her room to get a snack because she'll have it with her. That's the way we've done it in public schools for years and years and it works. Your child is learning from your mother and husband. We all lead by example whether that is our intention or not. You have to set a better example. I know, this is easier said than done. Good luck.

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I know there's been a lot of response already, but I wanted to add a couple things. First, I can't believe people told you to send her to school! Schools are full of overweight kids, and most of the nutritional materials they have were donated by the meat and dairy industries. That is so ignorant!

Okay, rant over. I wanted to say that it sounds like your daughter is on the way to an eating disorder, and I really hope you will seek professional help for her. Maybe family counseling? Because you and she can't do anything about the behavior of the other adults in the house, so she needs some solid support in finding her own way, on her own terms. I really think a neutral, outside adult influence could go a long way in that regard. But her current behavior goes beyond not making good food choices, nutritional advice isn't going to be the solution to the problem. Good luck.

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I don't think that was such a terrible idea, but maybe you could tweak it a little to make it work out in the open. Since you are homeschooling, maybe it could be part of a lesson? Have her help you plan snacks and meals for herself, prep or portion them if necessary and determine how much is appropriate for a day. Then maybe you could put them somewhere "special" or label them just for her.
You could help her decide foods based on nutrition, calories, cost, whatever you have planned on certain days, etc.

She might enjoy the control over the decisions, and the safety of knowing she won't get in trouble over eating something. Also, knowing someone else won't take "her" food might eliminate the sneaking and possibly overeating to make sure no one else gets there first.

I would stay strong with Grandma and Dad, they are definitely not helping her!

Good luck.

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I would suggest making an appointment with a nutritionist thru your pediatrician or hospital. Your daughter's eating issues will haunt her throughout her life. Sounds like your entire family has eating issues so this would help everyone.
I would NOT put a fridge in her room. It may make it easier for her to become a recluse, hiding in her room and not socializing with the family. She may like being alone so she doesn't suffer the ridicule.
Did you say that you home school her? That wasn't clear. If you're home schooling her, I highly advise you to enroll her in public school. 9 yr olds can be a bit overweight, but they will lose the lbs in PE class. Her harmones will be kicking in in another year or 2 and she'll drop some weight.
I also suggest counseling for her and/or the entire family. It would be difficult to get the entire family to go, so find a counselor that works with kids. I took one of my kids to a child counselor a few years ago and was impressed at the outcome.
The bottom line is you want an adjusted child and a happy, healthy adult. Don't shut her out! The food issues may develop into something worse as an adult. Address it now.
Good luck!

S., have you thought about putting your daughter into public or private school? I'm not against homeschooling at all, several friends homeschool, but I was thinking that if your daughter has these issues that a school councelor could help her. Being at home all day and access to the "bad food" is tempting and they don't have that temptation in school. And a regular P.E. program could also help her out too.
Unfortunately grandma is the selfish one and needs to be dealt with herself. It seems like she feels she'll never get to have whatever it may be that was eaten again. Maybe next time she flies off that way you suggest to her that you make some more or next time you go shopping you'll pick up some more and she can have first dibs at it. Then talk to your husband and tell him he needs to quit with the selfishness he seems to have adopted.
I truly hope you can work it out and help your daughter live a healthier lifestyle. Good luck and God Bless.

Dear S.,

We have had similar problems about food here too, but I have just fussed over the years at my husband for his attitude and he has gotten better about it. Don't know if that would help you or not. What I did notice was that you seem to be stressed, tired and maybe a little down and I think I could help you. I'd like to tell you of a product that is right now in it's pre-launch stage that helps with fatigue, stress and depression. It is all natural. It has had 5 years of human studies and they are finding that 85% of people are having positive results in the first week!!! And 96% in the second week and just gets better from there.
The results they are seeing are: a good full nights rest, sustained energy for day (no caffeine in it so not jittery) more alert and able to concentrate and get more things done, reduced stress!! Not that you don't have stressful situations, its just that they don't bother you and stress you out like before and you have just all around more joy!! And a by-product is that because of being more happy and having more energy, many are loosing weight!!!! There is no guarantees that you'll have the same results as the next person, but as I said before 85% are having positive results in the first week!! If you are interested in trying the trial, just let me know. You can email me at ____@____.com or call me at ###-###-####. Looking forward to visiting with you. ~J.

I definitely think harping on her won't help.

My thought is that she can't sneak what isn't in the house. If the house only has what you want her to eat in basically unlimited quantities, and she can stick to a rule of eating at the table, it might take lots of stress off of all of you at home. Can you get rid of any high calorie foods and drinks and stock up on veggies, fruits, whole grain foods... you know, all the stuff that you wouldn't over eat on because they don't set off cravings... :) Also, at meals, put the vegetables on the table first and let everybody start out with those when they are really hungry. Then bring out the rest of the meal 5 or 10 minutes later.

Another thought is that if she is craving sweets and such, she may need some vitamins and minerals and exercise.

As far as the food crazy relatives...wow, I feel for you. You probably have very little control over what they do. I can see how it would bother you a LOT. All I can think of about that situation is that if they start bickering, roll your eyes and leave. You sound so strong!!

All the best for you and your daughter!

L. C.

You are the mom. Don't bring the "bad food" into the house. It doesn't hurt healhty people to eat healthy food. If you don't have it, you can't eat it. She is a child and it sounds like the adults are having the issues.

I'm so sorry to hear about your issues I know its hard controlling weight as I've never been a small girl to begin with.

Move out! I hate to be mean but it obviously is an unhealthy relationship having your mother and other family members living with you. They all need therapy since their eating habit have taken over their lives. They most likely either have an eating disorder or some form of depression where they resort to food to make themselves feel better. I know from experience. I was like that as a teenager.

Talk to your daughter and set up eating rules. No snacks between these times. this will let her know you won't accept certain behavior. Also get out more do stuff with her. sounds to me like she doesn't get enough socializing with kids her own age or enough other activities. Be firm with her anytime she starts heading for the kitchen for food when she shouldn't be eating head her off and redirect her to toys or books or a bike ride or anything to keep her busy.

It is going to be rough but if you don't stop the behavior now it will only get worse. As for your family tell them you are not going to tolerate their childish behavior any more and that they need to stop all the bickering over food. That it is not healthy to gorge themselves just so someone else can't have it. It is selfish and inappropriate for adults to act that way. Harping on your daughter will not do any good it will only make the behavior worse.

I hope you take the time to not only be active but to seek therapy for everyone since it isn't just your daughter needing help.

it sounds like yo and your daughter both have adhd or add ( i have it too and so soes my daughter). If you talk to a doctor, a dn the he reccomends medication, that would help witht he snacking, because you lose ur appitite on some of the medications. however, i have been in a situation similar to urs before. as a child raised by her gramdparents, we ate a lot of snacks. My grandma would eat the a good portions of the seets. so we ended up seperating out the snacks and labeling them who's it was. and i would advise that when you make a snack, make sure there is an equal amount for every one. good luck

I think the problem really needs to be addressed with your husband and mother. But if they aren't willing to work with you on it, then yes, I think the idea of a mini-fridge in her room is a good idea, only putting healthy food in it. Good luck!

If there's not "bad" food in the house to eat, then she can't eat it!! Try choosing healthy options at the grocery store and only keeping low fat, high protein foods in the house. If she's eating a lot of sugary junk food then it may be that she's actually hungry and not feeling full or satisfied. High proteinfiber snacks like cheese sticks, whole grain crackes, whole grain cereals that are NOT sugar laden, skim milk, apples, peanut butter are all good choices that will satify her hunger and keep her fuller for longer. Good luck...the time is now to quash this eating disorder before she gets any older.

WOW. Kudos to you for trying so hard to manage this situation. Sounds like you are doing a great job. I think your husband and your mother should be dragged to a counselor immediately. You need a family session with a professional who can tell them that their weird food obsessions are going to cause this child lifelong problems.

Does your mother live with you? Because whatever her access is to your house and family, I think it's high time you put your foot down and forbid her from acting out on her Food Crazies. Freaking out on a kid over a piece of PIE...or any food item is completely nuts. If she wants more pie, go make another friggin' pie.

Good luck to you. Don't give up on your daughter!

I have to say that I agree with the previous poster about the possibilty of enrolling her in public school. She could learn so many positive food habits there. Plus, she would not have constant access to food all day. I am just wondering how you find the time to homeschool while providing care for other's children. We live in an area with excellent, high quality schools. It's back to school time, so it would be a normal transition. Just my two cents!

wow all that bickering about food sounds like a nightmare. It could also cause eating disorders for your daughter which you don't need. When I buy special snacks, I take a sharpie and write each person's name on them and make sure I buy enough so everyone gets the same amount. That way no one can say you ate the last one or you got more than me. I write names on yogurt, snack cakes, have even used sandwich size baggies and put a serving in each one if it is like crackers or chips and marked them with each person's name. You get the idea. When their snacks are gone that is it and I usually don't buy those types of food everytime I go grocery shopping so they are a treat and they know when their's are gone they can't eat anyone else's, however they do have the option to trade with each other if both parties agree. I have also bagged up a variety of foods in gallon size baggies and marked each bag with their name. Those are the bags they usually go through and trade items. Sometimes there are items one doesn't like and another person will love and be willing to trade.

As far as worrying about her weight, she isn't that overweight and I would try to find activities to get her involved in that will help her get some exercise. I have 2 that are a little overweight and we joined the community center as a family. If you do these things as a family and make it fun they don't realize they are exercising and enjoy that family time together.
I know when I was young, my mom got a mother/daughter membership to something similar and we really enjoyed that time together when we went to work out and usually did water aerobics and a few of the workout machines. That was our hour of time and we really enjoyed it. It is always easier to workout with a friend than by yourself. It doesn't feel like torture when you have someone to talk to and the time flies by faster when you are distracted away from the workout. I would encourage this for your whole family but if all of them don't want to then at least find out if your daughter would be interested in going with you or take some time to go for a walk with just the 2 of you. Don't let her think that her weight is why you are doing this, just let her know that you would like to do something to make yourself feel more healthy and would like her to walk along with you for some special time together.

I don't know that I would put a fridge in her room but maybe putting the names on the snacks and letting them know that this is all their snacks for this amount of time, would suggest 1 or 2 weeks at a time and when they are gone they do not get anymore until the next time you buy more and mark them. That way your mom and whoever can't blame anyone anymore for eating the last one because everyone had a last one and they all have the same amount and won't have a reason to make those type of comments anymore. This will also be a way to prove to you who has actually been eating more food because theirs will probably be gone faster.