Crying a lot...help !

Hi M.-
Babies can get very needy at this age but they do not usually cry all the time. I would take her to the pediatrician to rule out a health issue- such as ear infection, reflux, anything that could be causing her pain and cause her to need you to comfort her. If she has a clean bill of health, then try to structure her day some. Plan some activities the two of you can do. Do this for a few days together - do not leave her side - and get her used to playing these games. After a few days, set her up with her game and take the laundry. Sit near her and fold it but don't actually play the game. Spend the next few days doing your activities near her while she does hers. She may not like this. She may cry. Just reassure her you are there and continue to do your thing. Do not leave her alone yet. After a few days of doing this, leave her for only a minute or two. If she cries, tell her she may follow you but no crying. And let her follow you around as long as she is not crying. Give her lots of praise for not crying and ignore her if she follows you and cries. After a few weeks of this, things should be better. But, I think you are going to go through a tough few weeks! Good luck.

Dear M.,

They sometimes go through more clingy phases at certain times, especially right before a big step in development. Are all of her teeth/molars in? Could this be bothering her?

Try spending extra time with her, and certainly don't let her manipulate you by responding to her temper tantrums to be held. Keep teaching her to use words or signs, not screams, and as she can pick up on your moods/emotions, if you want her to be cheerful and happy, you must have a cheerful and happy countenance. I find those trying times to be times to let everything go- just keep up with a simple meal, a load of laundry, and a bit of cleaning you can involve her in (buy an empty spray bottle, fill with water, and give her a cloth so she can "clean" with you- let her help play in the water next to you when you do dishes, etc), and put on some cheerful tunes and sing a lot. It will only last a short time. Just never reinforce screaming- at this age she is easily distractable and as soon as you can tickle, surprise, or sing her out of her tantrum, then pick her up and tell her you love to hold a happy little girl.

I have always held my daughter promptly when she cries, unless I am really in the middle of something and unable to get there -- and in that case I talk to her and explain why I'm not coming. I have always had a matter-of-fact attitude toward crying -- I let her cry until she's done, and offer comfort and sympathy, and I don't make a big deal out of it.

The only times my daughter has had long crying fits were when she was sick or tired or in pain. We have also had hard times (whining and tantrums) when she was hurting from being rejected by a close friend. She's 7 1/2 now, and I can't remember ever seeing her cry in a manipulative way. She cries when she's overcome with emotion. And she is very independent -- I don't have any concerns at all about her being too needy or clingy.

So I guess I don't believe the advice that says you should withhold comfort when your child cries. If she's crying a lot, she needs a lot of comfort, and you both get hurt when you follow that bad advice. It's more important I think to try to understand what is wrong, so you can solve the problem that is causing it. I'm looking for clues in what you wrote -- are you treating her differently now that you are reading that book? Or, you say she is waking up and crying -- is it possible that she might be unable to sleep?

Learning to set limits and say no is a completely different thing. Every few months my daughter discovers a new strategy for getting her way, and I have to put a lot of energy into keeping the boundaries solid for about a month until I find a good response and she gets used to it. It is possible to say no and still be sympathic with her feelings about not getting her way. But there are times when it really is too much, and I am simply too tired or too angry to give her what she needs. It sounds like you might be reaching that point too, and it might help a lot if you can leave her with someone else for a few hours now and then and take a break.

M.,

Babies like this need along of structure,

You need to realize the stricter your routine the better for her,

So plan out your day, and keep it the same,

Naps , meals, and play all should be at the same time everyday.

You recently moved so that probably what the big upset is,
even tho you love it, SHE might actually feel very insecure and lonely because of this huge change in her life.

I suggest creating a stable routine ASAP.

Good luck

M

I agree with Rebecca. She gave great advice. I really like the sing along thing. Kind of like "whistle while you work". Involve her, Teach her how to sort laundry and you can work on her colors and numbers at the same time.Make anything you need to get done a game for the 2 of you, BUT make it clear to her that these things HAVE TO get done, so she can help you or cry alone in her room. DO NOT LET HER feel she has the power or means to controal you. She it more then likely testing you now. I hope other family members agree and support you in this. It will only take one to screw it all up.

Learn deep breathing exercised and put soothing music on. Meditation music has no words and will put a relaxing mood to the whole house.I HIGHLY recomend meditation to everyone, it has really changed my outlook on myself and my life.

Hi M.,
I think you are sensing that it is a phase, and I have to agree.
Children go through a lot of them. If she is feeling upset, there is a reason. Maybe you can just spend the time with her and see how it goes. Children at 19 months need comfort and reassurance. Genuine loving attention is not spoiling, in my opinion. She may just need more of everything right now.
Throwing tantrums to get her own way is different from wanting to be with you or have your attention.
Maybe you can find a book on child development; Look for "The Magical Child" by Joseph Chilton Pearce. I also loved Penelope Leach as a child specialist.
If you help her through this phase, and introduce her to time without you gradually, she will grow stronger and happier. Forced "boundaries" without real understanding of what she is feeling can lead to insecurities later.
And remember, as her mother, you "know" deep down, what is right. Trust yourself.
Good luck,
P.

When my 2 year old started going through his temper tantrum phase I would usually say something "not uh, we don't throw fits", and then distract him. Sometimes tickle him and say "no fits, that's silly, you have to be a good boy". And things like that. Gentle fun reminders and distractions are great. The crying during the night could be night terrors, and they probably won't last long. Just go to her, and if she's crying histerically hold her until she stops. Then gently lay her back down while you rub her back and tell her it's ok. You should be able to walk away at that point if she goes to bed on her own each night. During the day if she's crying when you walk away from her just keep talking to her as you leave the room. Let her know you are still in the house. Sing, make noise, tell her stories. Anything so she knows she isn't actually alone. It could just be separation anxiety, and it won't last long. She just wants to know you are still there.

this is ridiculous, she is not manipulating you! she is only 19 months! setting borders does not mean saying "no" to a needy 19 month old. it means making 10 year old wash his plate and clean up his toys. there is a huge difference!
she is crying b/c she needs you. period. yes, it is easier and better to see our kids smiling, but sometimes our kids are not happy. and sometimes they are happy only in our arms.
why don't you read Dr.Sears book about children like that: "The Fussy Baby Book: Parenting Your High-Need Child From Birth to Age Five". it describes exactly the child you have and how to help them be more happy.