Copying Classmate

All of this sounds so normal to me. My daughter (7) goes to public school, although a charter/alternative choice school, but has many of the same things going on. She herself has done/said some mean things in the past that I've heard about and we've talked about. It's all part of learning their place in the world and part of it is learning what they can get away with. (One time she and two of her established friends took a vote on whether or not another child could join their group! She wasn't being mean, really, just insensitive.) We talked about how that might have made the girl feel excluded or hurt and how would she feel.

She has a neighbor who is also her best friend, and occasionally there is conflict where one of them will say or do something to hurt the other (the "I'm not your friend" has come up many times). But I just try and tell them that it's not an acceptable way to express their anger. I try to tell them that friends do disagree or even fight, but that it doesn't mean the end of the relationship and they know that and wouldn't truly want that anyway...they usually agree with me on that.

As far as peer pressure goes, try to focus on what matters. If it's a specific tshirt or shoes, and you don't care, let her dress to fit in. But you could also voice your support when she chooses to do something different (my daughter refuses to wear the school tshirt on spirit day...). If it involves an activity that I feel strongly against, I don't mind telling her that it's not the first or last time she's not going to get to do something, wear something, have something, etc. that someone else does. If appropriate, I will explain my reasons. Do make sure she is very clear about appropriate and safe behavior at school - if she's being asked to do something mean or unsafe, help give her the words to refuse...literally put the words in her mouth. If her cousin is just acting out in her own 6 year old way, you can help them work through it. If she truly is a bad influence, this is a perfect time to start teaching your daughter the way to decline gracefully. After all, there are plenty of "naughty" kids in the world, if it's not her cousin, it will be someone else. Good luck.

I'm not sure how to stop it, but I can relate as I was your little girl copying a friend of mine. I remember that I just looked up to her for some reason. As adults we know that this is a great compliment to have someone copy you. I'm sure her cousin is too young to realize this. Can you talk to the cousin about it?

I only mention this because it continued (to some degree) through my high school years which lead to some drug use. Eventually, my friend developed a horrible drug problem, but I knew better and stopped the friendship (in my early 20's!) The self esteem my mother instilled in me, the pride she showed for me, the encouragement to be an individual etc, lead to my terminating the friendship (and going back to college).

I'm sorry it took me so long to "get it". My mom wasn't concerned like you are until much later and never knew to what degree there was a problem. I think because you are aware so soon, it will work itself out much sooner and will be a temporary issue. I will say that I learned a lot from my "friendship" and I am a better person and better friend for it. Some of us have to learn the hard way.

I hope my story helped to encourage you on your journey to help your daughter. You sound like a wonderful mother.
B.

I think that you should ask her what it means to be a good friend. (Be kind, help each other, be there for her whenever she needs help, etc.) THen ask if her cousin is a good friend. You know that your daughter is being a good friend, but the cousin is not. Your daughter is a very important person and should have friends that are as good as she is - not her cousin. It's always good to be nice to people, but if they threaten to take away their friendship, then they shouldn't be best friends. Find someone who will like her for who she is (and vica versa). Good luck!

Hi I have a similar problem not quite to that extent but my daughter wanting to be like someone else. I limited the time spent with that child and have repeated conversations about being your own person. However that is the age from what i have seen all kids do this they are trying to gain some kind of control in a world where we the parents make up all the rules I have heard my child say those words to another one before (or caught her i should say) and i have told her how it is not nice and other ways to compromise so both get what they want. Things are getting better and i belive she is growing out of that stage. consistancy seamed to be the key. good luck

Oh...The "I won't be your friend" or "I won't be your BEST friend" or "You're not my friend anymore". So so common.
A bullying tactic. Childhood friendship is a rough journey. Social skills are not learned by simply being around other kids a lot.."Socializing". They have to be taught, by more objective adults, or by experience, or both.
As a teacher, I have had sometimes had some of my cognitively challenged special ed students want me to be more like them,(and actually verbally ask me to be) because they felt they wanted to be emotionally connected to me. They likes me as their teacher, and wanted that connection to remain strong.
Dressing the same, doing the same things is a physical demonstration of "alikeness"...the basis for friendship. As mental processes get more sophisticated, this branches out into music preferences, political opinions, etc.
True individuation takes a long time...maybe past high school. We, as a society, by putting kids together for long periods of time, everyday, do not provide a very safe rejection-free environment that allows for easy self-development and discovery.
Your daughter may indeed have her own desires, but she may value the relationship with the cousin or classmates more...conforming to what she believes is critical. The price for having a child who is not conforming to something someone or some group, often means more less-demanding-of-conformity friends and mentors have to be available. A child who does not worry so much about friendships with peers may also appear to be more of a loner...but a happy one. If we can, we need to provide kids with time to be themselves...we can't just tell them to do it.

Hi R.,

Well, first before I forget please tell me where this school is. I am very interested possibly for my own. So, if you could e-mail me that info. and your opinion also of the school at ____@____.com

OK, first I would talk to my daughter and find out where her confidence level is. Find out where she needs to be encouraged and boost her confidence level. I would definitely see where I would need to "Praise" my daughter more. So, she can feel good with her choices. I also would talk to the cousins mother. She is family- right? See where she can help. Maybe the cousin can be encouraged to ask your daughter her opinion or to want to do something she wants. To where it is not always the cousins style, choices, opinion, etc..

But honestly it seems like it has gone far beyond the point of return right now. A lot of what I have suggested needed to be implemented early on. I mean, I could be wrong and maybe it hasn't been going on long. If it has I would see about trying to put her in another classroom, talk to the Teacher and make her aware also to see how she could help. Ask her opinion and what she observes in class. Is possibly changing schools an option?

Only you know how far it has really gone and how responsive the other Mother is going to be. You have the power to change your daughters influences NOW later you won't. Because she is at an age where you can. Nip this on the bud now by either involving her in other things the cousin is not it to help boost her confidence (like dance classes/music/sports) and meet new friends.

If removing her from the same class or school is not an option for you let that be the only place where she associates with her cousin until your daughter can be better with this. I don't know how close you are as a family but I think pulling back from associating with them as much as possible and getting her involved in other things where she can meet new friends may be part of the answer. Also seeing where you as Mom can really boost her confidence level and really "Praise" her good choices I think collectively will hopefully help and cause her to come into her own. You as "Mom" at this age should be her Greatest Influence!! Thank God she is only 6!!

Wish you the best.

A.