Coping with Death

A lot of funeral homes have info to give to you about the grieving process. Also, many Hospices have programs that are very helpful and often they are free.
GL.

If you are anywhere near Ft. Worth, I highly recommend The Warm Place. My girls and I went there for support while grieving the loss of my 15 year old nephew. It's free and its wonderful. We couldn't have weathered the storm without them.

M., I'm sorry to hear about your loss but don't look at it as a loss it makes it easier when you can see it as a gain. My brother was called home suddenly a month and a half ago. I was on the job when I got the news. I never would have thought I would have screamed, stomped and cried like I did. I was speechless. My co-workers were very supportive and had to talk to my other brother on the phone to know what was wrong with me. I was overwhelmed with grief like I had never been before. My mom and dad died suddenly as well but it didn't hit me like it did my eldest brother. Just to show that all grief is not the same. He was 59 and one morning he didn't wake up. We were planning our family reunion a couple of weeks away. I found joy in knowing that he was with my best friend, Jesus. He said there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother. He has proven this to me to be truth. I knew that my brother was in the best of hands now. I found myself thanking God for his love, his life and the 59 years he gave us together as family. God wanted him now he wanted him to spend the rest of his life with him until we can all be together again as God's big family. I still cry sometimes when I think of him and I tell God that I miss him but then I become thankful again and say, Father I thank you that my brother is with you. He's absent from the body but he's present with Lord. He was such a good brother always looking after his siblings. Me, I am the only girl of 8. I know that God loves you, your family, all others whose loved ones has been called to await their eternal home too much to deliberately hurt or cause us intentional harm. He gave his only Son and caused him to die for us we will one day be a part of his big eternal family. They are sleeping now according to God's divine plan but one day all his children will rise out of their sleep those that remain will be caught up to meet the Lord in the air. He will take us to our new home and we will live happier ever after. Then there will be no more grief, pain, heartache and no more goodbys. I pray that God will restore unto you and your family the joy of his salvation, put a smile on your face and peace and love in your hearts. You have a new friend you can talk to now, Jesus. He listens, he understands and he knows how to make the hurt stop hurting. I love you all and God bless.

I know where you are coming from. We lost my Dad this past May and I can't seem to get past it. My kids Tabitha, 7 and Heath 3, talk about him a lot and ask lots of questions. It is okay for them to see you cry. It also helps to talk about heaven and how they are now looking down on them and helping us take care of them from heaven. This seems to make my kids feel better and sometimes I can see them looking up into the sky and smile. My Dad had Alzheimers and was is bad shape this past year, but my kids kept him going and trying, and in turn my kids got to learn compassion and love. The grief will dim in time but let them watch the videos even if you can't yet, they are grieving in their own way and you will all help each other through it. I don't know what I would do without my children and the love they had for my Dad (their PawPaw). I still cry almost everyday but I get these little hugs and kisses and I feel my Dad here with us. Just talk about her and her life and how much she loved all of you, it helps the kids deal. It has helped us a lot. I get to tell them about their PawPaw and at the same time I get to relive the love he had for me and them. I don't know if this helps but it has helped my kids and me.
L.

Dear M.,
The main thing I can tell you in dealing with death is just get into gods word and it will help you get through it. I know because over 10 years ago I lost a daughter that would have been 40 the next day. With the lords help I got through it . I'm not gona say it is easy because it isn't.But that is part of life. You have to remember what the person you lost was going through would we want them back to go through that. Just take it one day at a time. Hope this will help and God Bless
J. G

Everyone grieves in their own way, even kids. I used to work in a daycare, and one of my students (he was 4 1/2) lost his father to cancer. It was very difficult to watch him and his family (who I am still friends with) go through such a difficult time. I read about children and how they grieve. The most important thing that I read was to not hide your own emotions. If you want to cry, don't hide it b/c it's healthy for your kids to see that it's okay to be sad, angry, or whatever you're feeling. That little boy who lost his father was very angry. His mom decided to put him in Tae Kwon Do, and that gave him an outlet for his anger, and taught him how to control it. That became part of his healing process. Maybe you can help your girls find some sort of outlet. If it makes them feel better to watch the home videos, then let them watch and take comfort knowing that it's helping them remember her. If you can't right now, that's okay, don't feel guilty. And you will get through this, along with your family. I know it sounds cliche, but time does heal. Each day might get just a little easier, and some days might be harder, especially with the holidays. Just focus on all of the good times you had together.

My prayers are with you and your family.
B.<><

First let me say I am very sorry for your both of your recent loses. God never gives us more then he knows we can handle. Greiving is very important and even though you need to grieve also your children may have a harder time adjusting to this. The 19 yo understands what has happened but if she was very close to her g-gma she will be looking for ways to connect and the videos will help even if you can not watch them allow her to. The 12 year old is probably looking for a way to cope and will follow someone else and is also trying to find a new bond. If you choose to cope by disassociation which is a perfectly normal way but the children need to see and hear her then the younger ones will follow the older one. My daughter was 21 when her g-ma passed away and she was close to her. I took her over to the house and she chose a scarf of my mothers which had her scent on it. She put it in a zip lock and would open it and just smell to be close. It was right after christmas so we printed a good picture of her and framed it for her to look at. She also went over to her house and cleaned it up because she knew that my mom would not want people to be in her house with it dirty. My mother was cremated and my daughter chose to have a small urn with ashes they could keep with them. My other brother and sisters were against this but I had to do what was right for MY family first. I handled her death by taking charge and making all the arrangements and packing things in her house. I spent alot of time alone at her grave site talking with her. I also had to handle my sisters 3 yo who got angry because people were taking g-mas things and she would need them when she got home. Even though her was only 3 I had a talk with him to explain that she was in heaven with the angels and did not need these things anymore because god made her a new home with all the pretties she needed. I bought him an angel statue that you could put a picture in to keep in his room. From all the talking I did with him he remembered me saying that one day god will join all the angels back together again but right now she is up there watching us. Everytime he walked out side for months he would look up and say hi to her. I also took the kids to buy a small trinket they thought she would like and we went to the grave site and they each left their trinket for her. It will be 3 years in February and I still get angry with her for leaving me especially when I have a problem I want to call and talk to her about. I dug up some of her favorite plants from her yard and planted them in mine. It will get easier as time goes on but as hard as it seems right now you have to support your daughters in their grieving process as well as deal with yours. You must first grieve to accept. Do not feel guilty for grieving and being selfish about it. You deserve and have the right to grieve your own way. It is not a bigger loss for anyone person. Everyone lost someone no matter how close their ties were. Sorry if this seems to be a little off track but I thought that if you knew how we handled it you would see there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. God bless your family and be strong you CAN handle this.

I am so sorry for you losses right now! There is nothing anyone can say or do that will take the pain away, but I wish there was! Let me just tell you that grieving is good. It is a process, and everyone does it differently, just get it out now while you safely can. Grieve--it's okay.

I have lost babies, my Granny, and now my beautiful cousin who was so full of life and blessing--I don't know why she died, and I miss her. All I can give you is hugs, permission to grieve in the way you need to, and a source of strength when you need to carry on.

Jesus loves you, your girls, and Nana. She's with Him right now smiling down on you. He will help you carry on and be strong for your girls. You will all be united one day in Heaven, I hope that will give you solace.

I am sorry for you loss,
A.

A few years ago I lost both my mother and my grandmother (who raised me) within 2 months of each other. The only advice I can tell you is that the pain will diminish with time and will be replaced with very happy memories of your time with these people. Just know that they are with you in your heart!

Let yourself grieve and it will get better. God bless you all. I pray that God's loving arms are felt to give comfort as he has promised. You all will be alright. Time with God heals all wounds. God bless and keep you.

M.,
Bless your heart, you have been through alot. I can't imagine losing someone just on the heels of another loved ones funeral. I don't know that there are any words that can help you through this time. It is just going to take time to process all of this. Each person will process differently. As far as your kids watching the videos, this may be the only way that they know how to cope. I am one that likes to watch videos of loved ones that I have lost. I have other family members that can't watch the videos. To some it brings them closer to the ones they have lost, and to others it makes it harded to deal with.
The only advice that I can give you, is to pray. Ask God to heal your heart, and to give you strength each day. It is okay to miss them and to cry for them. Sometimes you will have moments that you never expected to remind you of the ones that you have lost. (Both happy and sad memories.) Just take it day by day. Talk about your feelings with your kids, and let them talk to you.

You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers through this difficult time.

Hello!
I am so sorry for your loss! I would like to say that fish oil, 1200 mgs, 2 in the morning and more during the day if needed has greatly helped me with copying . I am not trying to be unconcerned about the seriousness of this sad time.
However, I am just stating what has greatly helped me.
Again , I pray blessing and comfort on you and your dear family!
Sincerely,
C. N.

Unfortunately the only thing is, that it takes time. I don't think it is unhealthy for her to watch the video's of her Nana. I had a husband die 15 yrs ago, then my dad died 4 mo later. I found that laughing, crying and talking about them and the good memories we had or the funny things that they did really helped. One of my brothers didn't want to talk about it at all and it took him so long to get over it. All my nieces/nephews would come and talk to my mom and I about Pawpaw and the way he did things and the things he said. That is her way of remembering. Just be sure that you can all talk about it. I know it's hard to do that but evidently it was a "sad blessing"? and that is what you have to remember. I'm a nurse and just my observations are that letting it out and not holding back thinking "you should be over it" is better. Everyone is different and expresses their grief differently and takes a different amount of time for their grief. My heart goes out to you and I will say an extra prayer for you and your children.

M.,

I am so sorry for both your losses. Keep praying, and allow yourself to really grieve and feel the emotions. It sounds like that is what your older girls are doing. I think that's normal, but if it continues after a week or two more, you might start setting some limits on how often they can view the videos. If they are in school (not sure about the 19 year old), talk to the school counselor and ask her or him for advice and for help with your children. Also, there are some great programs for grieving our losses. Two are listed below; you can also call your local hospital or family assistance agency for further recomendations.

Growth Through Grief, Dallas ###-###-####
Support group for people going through the grieving process as a result of death. (F)

Life After Loss, Dallas ###-###-####
Life After Loss, Fort Worth ###-###-####
Five-week session for anyone who has lost a loved one within the last two years. Registration required. Sponsored by American Cancer Society. (F SP) (www.cancer.org)

God bless you...

I have been through 4 deaths in the past 22 months I know its hard. Ill be praying for you! My kids are 4 asnd 5 and it is really h*** o* them. Be sure and tell the kids when they are ready to talk about the ones you have lost recently that they can its okay anytime. They can talk to them anytime they want! I also strongly recommend taking them to a counsler ASAP! The kids need someone they can talk to that isnt attached to the ones you have lost so that they can freely talk about how they are feeling!

I am so so sorry for your losses.

You might try finding some children's books about loss to read together. I saw one yesterday by Maria Shriver. I can't remember the exact name but I believe Heaven was in the title.

I'm sure the children's librarian at the your local library could help you.

Sorry to hear about all your loss. Remember everyone grieves differently. So what is hard for you may be comforting to another. A lot funreal homes and churches offer grief counseling so check into that. Usually it is free too. Also, i woudl tell the school counscelor b/c your girls will go thru some hard days. Remember, even when the waves settles down there will be days a high tide rolls in, so don't expect to grief and end. Also, a journal for each of you is a good way to express feelings and thought that you/them may have difficulty saying aloud. Also, you will need to have a talk them about you. They now may realize that you will not be here forever and it may scare them more or worry them more then just the loss of a family member. Take the time to make sure you have made arrangements for your kids, that they will be taken care of somethign were to happento you. These thought could be running thru their heads now addind a little bit of fear to their pain. Good luck, again, sorry to hear about your loss. (it is good for the kids to see you grieve, it gives them permission...the only way to get thru something is to go thru it)

God Bless you M. during this time,
I know it's hard and there really isn't a right way to handle the lost of a love one. We all grieve in our own way. If watching videos helps your daughter but not you, it's okay, some people don't even cry or show emotions, but that doesn't mean they aren't hurting. We all deal in our own way, if crying when no one is around then cry. I will pray for your family that God will send his angels to give you comfort during this time. I like to listen to christian music, there is a song, "Homesick" by Mercy me, the lyric's below:
MercyMe - Homesick
From the album Undone

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

I don't know if they will bring some comfort or not, but I know when I lost my grandma that is the song that played in my head a lot. Because if home is where the heart is then I am out of place...

God bless your family, I'll be praying for you!

Dear M.,

When it happened to me (my boyfirend committed suicide) I used the book "How to survive the loss of a love" you should be able to get it from Half price book store. It is not very thick and has both logical and emotion content, poems etc. it Was written by Melba Colgrove, Ph.D, Harold H. Bloomfield, M.D. and Peter Mcwilliams. Let me know if you cannot find it and I will loan you my copy.

The only thing I can add is to totally let yourself go into ther griefing you will get through it much faster than holding back the grief.

The book is very simple and I think your daughters would appreciate it. You could read it out loud to them with the agreement to fully express your grief together.

Hope this helps. Love and Blessings through this process.

G.
###-###-####

No I do not. All handle loss differently. All I can tell you is how I have handled it in the past, and live in fear of going through it again! I have lost so many! My Aunt(Grandmother), 2 sister in laws, 3 best friends. It is the most confusing and painful emotion for the living. You just awaken everyday thinking it was a bad dream, and they be there in morning! Then you slowly realize they will not.

That being said, your children are doing what I would have done. My Aunt Cora always said she did not want a funeral, because then people would only remember her dead. Although others did not respect her wishes, I did. I realize today I only remember her and the things she did. I wish I could have been allowed the same opprotunity with the other people I have lost. I guess my point is remember the good things. The things they accomplished. The joy they brought to you. Why were they special. Never say goodbye, and keep them always in your heart and actions.

Do you attend church? If so, your minister or priest is always a good resource for dealing with grief. I agree with the other posters - everyone handles grief differently.

Hi M.,

My prayers are with you and your family. I understand how you feel as I lost my mother last year in September. My siblings and I had to make the decision to take her off life support. I loved my mother dearly; however, I didn't grieve outwardly when I was told that she passed nor at her funeral, but I had been grieving for 4 months while she was comatose in a nursing home. I've only been in our family home that we grew up in twice since she passed. The first time that I went in (This past mother's day), I grieved outwardly for her, but after that I was fine. Philippians 4:7 says If you pray... God will give you peace that surpasses all understanding and I had/have that peace since I know she's in a better place. It was difficult for my sister to accept, but now we find joy and comfort in talking about our mother and some of the funny things she said and did. We have so many fund memories of our life with her from our childhood as well as our adulthood. We even see some of her characteristics in ourselves. I don't see any harm in your girls watching the videos. It's probably helping them deal with it better than if they were talking about it. Continue to pray and ask God to strengthen you. He will do it as he said he would never leave us nor forsake us.

Love and Blessings to you and your family.

Wow, so sorry you are going through this tough time. I truly couldn't imagine. I would encourage you to enjoy the memories of her- try not to be afraid of thinking about all the good times with her. Talk with friends and family about what your memories are of her. Try to celebrate the life that she did have here with you. Again though, I can't imagine what you're going through and I'm so sorry for your loss. Hang in there and cling to the Bible for answers.

First Baptist Mckinney has a Grief Care group that meets weekly. I believe they also have it for children. Not sure but you can find out by calling ###-###-#### or visiting the website www.fbcmckinney.com

I'm sorry for your family's loss. Losing a loved one is a terrible thing. Maybe you could take a piece of Nana's clothing for yourself and one for your older girl for memory keepsake. As for the little ones I would take some of Nana's clothing and make them a blankie or clothing for a bear (aka memory bears) another stuff animal so they could hold it to go to sleep. And allow yourself time to heal. Nana is not here physically but is always watching over you and your little girls as your angel.

How about a support group? I lost my dh last year, and we go to Journey of Hope in Plano. If you are not close enough to attend that one, there is another in Ft Worth.
Here is the website for JOH www.johgriefsupport.org.
Talking to others who have lost someone really helps. This group is geared towards kids and getting their feelings out.

M.,

I too recently lost my very close and love grandmother, we called her Nanny. She was the glue that held the family together. It was over a year ago I guess but it feels like yesterday to me. My daughter was 2 but very wise for her years. She was very close to Nanny too. My cousin was 12 my sister was 28 and myself, 29. I give you the ages to let you know that we all handled her death very differntly.

The week befor her death she was bed riden but still cognitive. (I sit here crying and shaking trying to think about it all. Still is very raw for me.) I will never trade those days for anything! We layed together and talked, I asked her every qestion I ever had about her childhood and told her every memory I had of her of my childhood. I even redecorated her room with pictures of all the family and moved the living room in her room. I coped by being with her and giving her medicine and feeding her and just being with her nonstop. Now the next week was much more bleek. She was almost dead. I would lie on the floor and make sure she wouldn't stop breathing at night with my aunt. If she was in too much pain I would give her medicine. She was in and out of concience. This was hard. This was the time I told her to go to the Lord, let go. The others couldn't understand at first but I didn't want her to suffer because she felt obligated to hang on for her children and grandchildren. After a while the others including the my young cousin did the same. We laid in her room at night for four nights listening to her almost stop breathing and then one morning she did.

My daughter could see that I was so sick and sad. I explained that Nanny was not going to be there anymore and she will always be with us in spirit. She was with God and Jesus now. She talks about Nanny now and knows that she is loved by her. I try to keep Nanny alive in her heart because she was cheated the most. Being 2 she will never get the years of joy with her that we did; but she did get to be graced with the love of her. I don't ever want her to forget that or her. I keep pictures around of her and we talk a lot of her. She will even say "Mamma, you are sad when you look at this picture because you miss Nanny." I tell her yes because Nanny loved us both so much and I miss her.

The 12 y/o she slept in the bed and the room of Nanny. I couldn't do that. I could barely walk in the house! She was a little angry. She felt that since she didn't do the same things that others did by taking care of Nanny she failed her. I didn't find this out until months later. I had to explain to her that she never failed Nanny ever. She was perfect and loved and she did exactly what Nanny wanted by being there for her and being her grand baby.

My sister even took it much diffent then me. She wants to go to the house. She was very closed off at the funeral ceremony for family only. I had to read a peom and help with company setting up and finally by the time for the friends and city people came, I couldn't do it. I went to the back room and broke down.

I don't think that your children wanting to watch her videos is bad. I think it is good. They are remember all the good they had with her. Let them embrace that, the sadness will come at some point and when it does...be there to cry with them and answer their questions.

I never had a loss until this and I lost my great grand father the following year. I never thought I would recover but each day you go on. The heavy black cloud gets a little bit lighter and soon you be able to see. I don't think you ever forget and the pain doesn't go away. At least not for me yet! Maybe in time. Keep your head up and continue to be a great mom:)

I am very sorry for your losses. Even when a death is expected it is still just as painful. I encourage you to allow your girls to watch those videos and heal in the way they need to. We all cope differently with different types of stress. If the mourning continues at an extreme level for longer than a normal time I recommend going to counseling- the Warm place in Ft. Worth is good. For now though, let yourself and your children cry, talk, look at photos, hug, as needed and know that the pain will ease up in time and the good memories of her will be the first thing you think of when you remember her someday.

Each person deals with death in a very personal way, I lost my grandfather 4 years ago and while it was a complete loss for me by 8 year old daughter put things into perspective for me. She was extremely close Pop and reminded me that he was now out of pain and could watch over us forever. She also reminded me that just because I could no longer see him it did not mean that I had to stop feeling close to him. This was from my KID! This was Kaela's first loss too.

Your girls are dealing with their loss differently than you are, they will not do anything that they cannot handle. Just be open and when they need you they will come, do not close off any conversation with them. This will help you heal and bring you even closer to your babies.

My thoughts and prayer are with you and your family.

Jenny

Here is the link to a great non profit organization that is geared to helping children deal with grief. It is free and while your children are in support groups, you will be in one too.

We lost both my in laws 9 months apart....we took our children to JOH both times. It is a great organization.

http://www.johgriefsupport.org/

When my daughter was 5 we lost her baby cousin at 2 months old of SIDs. It was a very traumatic experience for her. We lived down the street from him and when he died we were there in the house when the emts tried to revive him. She saw more than any child should ever see . I spent a lot of time encouraging her to talk about him and I did my best to explain where he was in my belief. She acted out for many months in her kindergarten class and had a wonderful understanding teacher. Everyone grieves in a different way be there for each other. My brother and his wife went to a support group .. that is something to consider if you feel you cannot cope . If it were me I would just take one day at a time and encourage your children to express their grief in any way the can . Psychologists tell us that everyone grieves in different stages and it can take up to a year for anyone to get to where they accept it. I hope this helped you .. I understand how you feel not knowing what to do ..2 weeks ago I had to deal with yet another death in my family.. my favorite aunt and it hurts so much my heart is aching.. if you need a friend I'm a good listener

We had a rough year last year with death. My mother in law lived with us for almost 2 years and passed away last February. Their great grandmother passed away a year ago today. These were the first losses that they have been able to understand. My grandmother's death was a little easier because she lived in Houston, but when my mother in law died that was hard. They wanted to talk a lot about her and memories. It was hard to listen to and talk about at first, but it is a healthy way for them to cope. I find children cope completely different than adults. If your girls want to watch the videos I would let them. They are taking in as many memories as they can while it is still fresh. It will last them a lifetime. It's okay if you can't watch them right now, one day you may want to. About 4 months ago or so, my husband put on our screensaver a slide show of all of our pictures on our computer. We scanned all her pictures in for the funeral and so we can see all the years. My boys love to sit at the computer and watch the pictures go by. It was weird at first especially when you're thinking of her and all of a sudden there she is. But it is comforting now too, knowing that my boys won't forget her and that they know it's okay to miss her. My boys were 5 and 2 when it happened. My oldest has just started asking Jesus to check on Grammy when he prays at night. It's the sweetest thing to know that he still loves her so much and hasn't forgotten her. It is hard. I will be praying for comfort for you and your family.