Death of Someone Close to Us

Hi M.,

I'm sorry for your loss. She must have been a real blessing.

How about just asking her if she wants to go? I know she doesn't understand what precisely a funeral is, but you could explain it to her and see if she is interested. If she says she'd rather not you could have a little funeral for her at home. Maybe if you have a photo you can put it in a special box or frame and say a prayer of thanksgiving for your neighbor.

I lived in a country which had been at war and everyone lost loved ones. Sharing the grief out loud in community was a tremendous relief to children and adults alike. It was a Christian country and the people talked about their ability to ressurect their loved ones by living by the lessons those people had taught them. It was a wonderful segue into the ressurection of Christ and living his message of love. OK, that's maybe not too appropriate for your child, but I think there's a lesson in there somewhere :)

I would also talk to her about how death is a perfectly natural thing and not such a big deal in itself. Missing someone is a big deal but death is a part of life. We can honor our feelings of missing someone but never lament their death because they've moved on to better things (like maybe she's with her mommy again). There can be joy for her in death so we can be happy for her even though we miss her.

I hope that makes sense. I wish you peace.

My grandfather passed away when my daughter was four. She was very close to him. I did take her to the funeral. I read a brochure at the funeral home about children and it said that at that age they can begin to comprehend death and that it is a good idea to take them to a funeral and give them a chance to say good bye. My daughter did fine at the funeral. It was an open casket and when we walked by it she told her great-grandfather good bye.

Lisa

I'm sorry M. to hear about the loss of such a sweet friend. I would say that at 4 years of age your daughter is just to young to comprehend the "funeral" part.

My daughter was traumatized at 5 when her great-grandfather died and we went to the funeral home and she saw him in the casket and when my husband and other started crying it was more that she could deal with. I could kick myself still for not going with my gut instict--needless to say the next day I made sure that she did not attend the funeral.

Again, I'm really sorry you're having to go thru this,
D

I think as long as she understand death it would be okay to take her. This could help your daughter to say goodbye and understand maybe alittle more about death. It might be best verses a true family member. ? Pray and go with your gut instinct. Hope this helps. Best wishes and deepest regrets to your loss.

I say No, As an early child educator, you explained it well and to see MS Patty will frighten and confuse your daughter. She isn't a family member so I would spare her this. Young children will not understand what a funeral purpose is.

My friends daughter 5 had to go to her fathers funeral of course and was confused why he wouldn't wake up and didn't understand she was seeing her father for the last time. She had to go, obviously but its not pleasant and often frightening.

I say enjoy the dog and tell your girl you are taking care of her dog for Ms Patty and leave it sweetly.

I think funerals are an important part of closure and an important lesson in life for any age. Your daughter will begin to fear death, especially your death. She may begin to ask many questions. Don't show any alarm or discomfort at the questions. Answer them in a matter of fact way and even a positive way and then change the subject (or else she will go on and on unnecesarily). But a funeral is a valuable lesson in life and shouldn't be overlooked and your children shouldn't be sheltered from it. It's part of life. The quicker they learn that, the better off they will be in the future when it hits closer to home. Otherwise, it will be a much bigger shock to her later on in life.

I totally understand. I would do exactly what you think, which is to take your daughter to the funeral so she would know what the process is when a loved one goes to heaven. Also, I would children's bible stories to help her understand more.

Good job mommy.

I think maybe the idea that she has gone to heaven would be the best for a 4 yr old. When our daughter was real young her great grandfather passed and that was real h*** o* her and we took her to the funeral and she just didn't understand why he wouldn't talk to her and wake up and that was so h*** o* her that we waited till she was much older to ever take her to another one. That is just my opionin.

Eventhough this is a very touchy subject, you are right to explain that this is the life process. I say, "take her". I was 6 when I went to my very first funeral. It was a babysitter's relative. I and my 4 younger siblings were introduced to the funeral process very young and got no real explanation about it but visually took it all in. As time went on, me and my siblings did not experience a family funeral for over 20 years and when it happened we were not prepared and still have questions about how a family should handle it. As the great mother that you are, help your daughter grow into the most beautiful and wise person that she can be. Blessings to you.

Dear M.,
If I were you I would go just for respect. None of us like funerals and I think your daughter will be alright with it. Just kinda have to explain to her that it's part of life. I would just go at least for a little bit and sort of tell your daughter i't s time to say good bye. Good Luck with everything!

God BLess,
Mia

Hi M.,
I think you have taken the first steps in preparing your young daughter for the experience of death, however, small ones really cannot comprehend death- i would not take her to the funeral- you do not know how others will be reacting to the loss of their loved one and it may be too traumatic- I would continue to explain to her that the special angels came and took her home and now she will always be in her heart. 4 year olds do not grieve the way we do and she will quickly get over her grief- so I would limit the amount of grieving she may experience at a funeral- just keep happy thougts in her mind .
good luck and blessings

Take your daughter! Closure is important for her and the family will appreciate that Ms. Patty was still touching others. The most important thing for your daughter is that this woman be given the important place in your daughter's memory that she earned. The memory of being loved just because she existed will help make your daughter strong. God Bless!

Funerals help us get through the process of grieving. Young children often have a difficult time expressing their thoughts about death and the loss of a loved one. I do not believe a 4 year-old is too young to attend and I think it is a good opportunity to help her understand what happened to the neighbor she loved so dearly.

My youngest was young when my father passed away. Since we lived close to my parents, she was very close to him. I didn't hesitate to bring her to the funeral and I believe it did help her with the process of grieving. Of course, like you or any other parent, we did a lot of explaining about death and that it is a normal part of life.

The closeness your daughter may have felt to your neighbor might be equated to how a child feels about their grandparent. You know your daughter better than anyone so, in the end, the question is, 'will it help her grieve?'

Good luck with your decision. And sorry to hear about your loss. You will miss her and her kindness dearly. Neighbors like that are hard to find.

My opinion on this is that 4 years old is too young for her to be exposed to this. Their minds cannot quite grasp what death entails and may even cause other problems perhaps of what would happen if it was you. Many emotional issues that you would have to deal with. If she were much older the situation would be different.

I say no she does not need to go. I believe as a parent you continue to explain the best as possible and before you know it your daughter will have Ms. Patty as a memory. The dog will be sufficent enough to keep Ms. Patty's memory alive.

Two weeks ago a dear friend lost her baby after 7 1/2 months of pregnancy. Following the advise of their counselor, they involved their 8 year old son in the process of celebrating the life of his little brother ~ they had a graveside service. This young man has information and tools to work with this issue because grieving was not kept from him.
I would take your daughter and continue the wonderful conversations you have started.

A little about me:

An about to be grandmother

Whatever you choose will work out fine. There are no right and wrong answers. I suggest you let dd remember Ms Patty the way she was and not in a casket being put in the ground. She is too young to understand that. She might then worry if you are out of her sight that you have died and might be in the ground. Keep it simple as you have done so far. As to the dog, you are not preserving Ms. Patty's memory by taking responsibility for her dog. You said you were "not a dog person". Ms. Patty would not want you to take that responsibility. You do not owe it to Ms. Patty to adopt her dog. Perhaps someone in the family or another friend would be more suited and enjoy the little dog. Know that you have best served Ms. Patty by being her friend and lending a hand. She wouldn't want you to feel you owed it to her to keep her pet.
I'm sorry for this sad time for you and your child. Remember that birth and death are natural parts of life.
Peace, C.

Your daughter is very blessed to have you as a mother.

May the Lord comfort you both in very special ways, may He grant you the wisdom and grace in handling this situation and all that comes up for your daughter.

My daughter was only four when my sister died. They were very close, and she sobbed hysterically at her death. She went to the funeral, and while she figitted some, I think it was important for her to participate and say goodbye. I was six at my father's funeral, and I couldn't have imagined not attending. But ultimately, I think you should tell her what happens at one, and ask her if she wants to go. Then, if she finds it difficult, you can remind her that she wanted to go, and offer to let her cuddle. Please take her favorite lovie toy with her if she does attend.

Also, there are support groups in town through hospices that are free for any friends and family that lost a loved one. If you are in Austin, you can contact Heart to Heart Hospice of Austin at ###-###-####.

www.myhealingplace.org has groups as well, but there is an initial fee ($25) with them.

Hi M.,
I am sorry to hear of your loss. My father past away 24 years ago. The same month he died I became pregnant with my daughter. When she got older and knew there was suppose to be Grandma and Grandpa she started asking questions and this is what my mother told her and keep in mind she was the same age as your daughter. She explained to her that God felt he needed Grandpa in Heaven so that he would watch over us and be with us all the time as our Guadian Angel. She told her that when she looks up in the sky at night, she was to find the brightest star and that was Grandpa smiling down at her.
So that was always a big thing for the longest time. She would tell us, I saw Grandpa tonight! Since then she has had a child of her own, which is now soon to be 6, and she also had a child that would have been 2 next month but past away at 21 days old. So, we told my grandson the same thing, and it is a big deal for him to outside and find his brother up in the sky and he will tell you that his brother is on his shoulder everyday watching him. Just an idea, but it worked for us. Good luck and May God Bless the both of you.
K.

What a hard thing to have to deal with. In my opinion, I would not take her and let her have the memories of knowing her alive. She is way to young to have to deal with that just yet. She will always her as someone who was nice to her, gave her treats, those are happy memories and she should remember her that way. Best of luck to you in making this difficult decision. P. C.

I would say to take her.

I can't imagine you handling that any better.

It's entirely up to you if you think your daughter can handle the service.

It might be nice for you guys to just make an appearance and tell the family how much you loved her and how much you'll miss her. But I would take her to the gravesite to visit Ms. Patty and leave her pretty flowers. I showed my daughter how nice the cemetery where her grandma is buried and how the shade is good to sit in.

I'm so sorry for your loss. *hugs*

Good Morning M.;

Hope you read this before funeral time!
I am of the opinion and it is just my opinion that you shoud take your daughter to the funeral and even let her see the woman in the casket!
It is a perfect chance to explain that the soul of the person is not the body of the person.
That God had an opening for a nice sweet person and that is why he took her. God needs more angels as the population is
growing so when he has an opening he takes sweet people to be the new angels!
Best,
B. C.

M.,

Is there perhaps, some viewing or visitation time before the funeral? If so, it might be nice to take her to that. Either way, it will probably be difficult for her, but the service itself may be tedious and overwhelming for a 4 year old, who doesn't entirely grasp what's happened to her friend. All the emotion might be a bit much. I'm not saying that we should shield our children from grief entirely, but perhaps a smaller dose, and the opportunity to say good bye would be helpful for her.

I'm sorry for your loss, and best wishes to both of you.

Four is too young for this. She would probably get very upset, and that wouldn't help anyone else there. Can you find a sitter so you can go pay your respects?

My daughter had just turned 4 when her grandparents (my mom and dad) passed away in a tragic car accident while they were on there way to church. There was no question in my mind that my daughter was going to the funeral of her grandparents whom she loved so much. She is almost 18 now and still talks of them often as we all do. Going to the funeral did not affect her negative in any way. I would say take her to the funeral.

M.,
A funeral is a hard concept for a 4 year old to understand. You know your daughter best and therefore, you need to follow your heart as to whether you think your daughter could handle the situation. If you do take her, I would watch for signs that she is ready to leave. (Sitting a half hour to an hour would be difficult for any four year old in the most optimal or happiest of times, let alone a funeral.) So I would sit in the back, on the end of a row/pew so that if after 5-10 minutes she wants to leave, you can slip out quietly without disturbing other mourners.

You can also let her draw pictures today and over the next several days as your daughter mourn. She will be able to express her feelings in a manner that is comfortable for her and not so scary. It will also allow her to remember good things about your neighbor.

I think you should probably go, but your daughter might still be confused. That will make it harder on her. It really is hard to let go of wonderful people in our lives. Keeping the dog is a great way to help keep her memory alive. They truly become part of the family. I wasnt a dog person either until we got a puppy. Now I cant imagine life without her. God bless you and give you peace.

Hi M. - I would not bring a 4 year old to a funeral. Just too much potential drama and too much for a child that young to try to process. Sorry about the loss of your friend - you have done the right thing by taking in her dog. I think your daughter will find comfort in having Ms. Patty's dog!

Good Luck - K.

My gut said dont take her. But then I realized that I went to my grandfathers funeral when I was almost 4. If you want it to be a learning experience take her to the grave site and she can personally say good byes there. God bless your family.

i think you should let her go, but prepare her for what she is going to see. and be prepared for some explaining about death. my son was 6 when he finally realized that death was the end.and it scared him, but then he got over it and he was fine. i think my grandmother died about that age and he was ok with it.

just guide her with love and she will be accepting.

I think she is old enough to go. I used to babysit and when one of the boys was 4 yrs old the little girl next door was murdered (very sad). She was the same age. I took him to the funeral with me for closure. She was his friend. It was just a memorial though (no casket). It sounds like your little girl could use this.
sorry about your loss....

I'm sorry for your loss. My mother-in-law passed away last fall, and we took our 4-year-old daughter to the funeral (and to the funeral home). She seemed pretty okay with everything--she looked at her Nana in the casket and said good-bye. I welcomed any comments or questions from her and her 6yo brother and tried to answer them as fully as I felt they could handle. The only thing was for a couple of months after my mother-in-law's death, I think my daughter was really worried about me dying as well. She became really clingy and cried about going anywhere away from me. When she finally vocalized that she didn't want me to die, she also quit being quite so clingy. At 4, I don't think my daughter had the same kind of coping and processing mechanisms that her older brother had. I don't regret taking her to the funeral, but I'm just wanting to let you know to be prepared for different reactions as she works through her grief.