Contemplating Separation from Sometimes Verbally Abusive Husband ?

I do hope your counselling sessions go well, and you all have a breakthrough.

My husband has issues with his anger because he represses things too much and then blows. When I was in chemo, we got in an argument - when I said, "You realize I could die, right?" his response was, "Go ahead then". I'll never forget it, but I know it came from a place of fear, stress, etc. He had to play Mom and Dad to a newborn/toddler while I was in treatment. We've both had counseling since then.

Your son will begin to pick-up on it soon. The best you can do it have him leave when it's unacceptable if you choose not to separate. Neither you nor your son should be subjected to his inability to watch his mouth and provide a good example.

Good luck.

I applaud you and your husband for trying to work it out. I hope you get clarity about this soon. All three of you deserve to have the family founded in respect in order for love to grow.

That said, I have to write my opinion.

First off, I have to say that I absolutely disagree with Laura C. and Marci W. Women are under NO obligation to be subservient to their husbands. We don't have to tiptoe around them, we don't need to make them feel adored, we don't need to engage in sexual acts that we find repulsive just to please them, we don't need to wear makeup to bed so that they don't see us in our ugly state, and we don't have to be "barefoot and pregnant".

Yes, when we are in a relationship we need to work on it, but that has to be accomplished together. It is never all one person's fault. Sure, you are a perfectionist and critical, but what actions and behaviors does your husband exhibit that push these buttons in you? It really does go both ways.

I agree that you have answered your own question. You would not be with him if not for your son. Your boy is ALREADY aware of the anger and tension between you and your husband. All the medical, psychological and social research into relationships has proven that children take in a tremendous amount from their parents' interactions. And the likelihood of your son becoming angry and abusive as an adult is increased exponentially if he is exposed to your husband's mistreatment of you. And on that fact you will find no arguments from the medical world or the organized religion world.

You are financially stable. Think of how wonderful it will be for your son to grow up knowing that women are people too, who deserve to be respected by every person in their lives. Mutual respect is what builds a marriage, or any relationship, not kowtowing. Both you and your husband deserve to be treated respectfully, and if he has no respect for you, or you for him, it will never work.

As for the second child, I can totally understand how you feel on this subject. I, too, am 44 and have only one son (3 years old). I want a second child so much, but we just cannot do it emotionally or financially. I know in my heart that our son will be better off as an only child rather than with a sibling because he will not be exposed to undue stress in his parents' lives that would come from having a second child. I believe that your son will be better off as an only child if providing him a sibling is the only thing that keeps you in the marriage.

I had to weigh in on your question. I agree with some of the posts already. Work on yourself. Focus on building your husband up, encouraging him, finding out what he likes and doing it - in any area. "A gentle answer turns away wrath" is a very true and helpful practice to employ when your husband does get angry. Your small son needs to see Mommy working on loving Daddy, regardless of how Daddy responds. Your willingness to FORGIVE your husband and love him unconditionally will benefit your son immensely. Separation and divorce - look at the statistics - are destructive to your child. I have had a verbally abusive husband who, after much prayer, forgiveness, going to God for comfort and strength as well as close friends, now praises me and is much kinder and sweeter to me. His change in behavior took awhile and occurred after I consistently refrained from addressing any issues with him directly. I let a lot go, prayed a lot, and trusted that God would help me. He did. You really can let a lot go, all the while working on yourself. God will help you. He helped me. I hardly recognize my husband now - it's amazing and it's incredible!

If he is willing to change, and he sees that he has a problem that is hurting your relationship, then I think you are doing the right thing now by seeking help through counseling. Give it some time to work and if it doesn't seek counseling by someone who specialized in his problem. If he is willing and trying to get help I think that giving him a chance is a wise decision. If it doesn't help then you have to decide if your husbands behavior is something you want to put up with, and if it's a healthy and safe home for your son to grow up in, since he is likely to learn to mimic his fathers behavior. Give counseling time to work though! If you don't feel it is, speak up to the therapist and to your husband!

Hi! I think what would benefit your family in addition to counseling, is anger management for your husband. He chooses what comes out of his mouth and he can choose to control himself.
I too, disagree with Laura C. and Marci W. Their mentality is one that astonishes me. Men and women ARE equal. That's not a feminist mindset at all.
It's wonderful that you can see your faults and are working on them. However, recognizing your part in bettering your marriage does NOT mean that you are the cause of his actions.
The points that Laura C. brought up are tragic. My MIL did everything that she outlined and all her sons could see was that Mom was a doormat and didn't have any value. Don't let that happen to you!

HI! First PLEASE do NOT have another child until the problems in your marriage are resolved. I am not judging you, I am trying to spare you.

2nd I completely disagree with Laura C and Marci W! They have the same mentality as our grandmothers and Mothers generations and I promise you many wives of the 40's- 80's were NOT happy. To some degree you as a wife do need to stroke a man's ego or he will likely go find someone who will, however to act ridiculus in front of children is not excusable. You have a responsiblity to protect your child.. if your husband is angry, the arguement should be moved out of view and ear shot of your child. Children should not be witness to adult situations.

I do think that you and your husband could benefit from a good anger management class. Yes you too. Because if you are hitting his hot spots and those hot spots are reasonible you need to learn how to act differently. And if you decide to stay with him, you still need to learn how to interact and argue while avoiding hotspots, it makes a resolution easier to obtain.

If your husband is wonderful and you love him. Fight for your marriage. In your counseling session let him know that you want to go to anger management, that fighting in front of your child will not acceptable in the future, look into a couple retreat. He may be angry about a completely different subject than the one you are fighting about and a retreat may help you break through and make all the difference. I hope this helps!!! God Bless!!!!

The important thing you have to remember is being fair to yourself and your child. I can tell you for a fact, it's only so long before he becomes abusive to your child. My father was an extremely abusive alcoholic, emotionally and physically. As children he adored us, but the older we got, the anger directed more and more to us until eventually my mother couldn't take it and left him. You already said it, if it wasn't for the child you two wouldn't be together. Why would you want to have yet another child with this man and make the problem even worse? Now that we are adults my father treats us just like he used to treat my mom, even though my brother and I live no where close to him. My brother also acts just like my father, flying off the handle when he's upset, and as much as he hates how my dad us he is just like him. In my opinion, I would leave.

I hope that your husband truly, genuinly wishes to change his behavior, b/c it can be done. He must really be committed to it -- and hopefully he sees how it hurts you and how it could be horrible for your son to witness. A child should see his mother treated with a gentleness and respect.

I pray that you both can work this out, as divorce is such a difficult step to take, especially for the children. If there is any way at all to avoid it, I would advise against it.

If you can make it though this, think of how strong your marriage will be.

I'll say a prayer for you.

You don't say how long you have been in counseling. If you aren't in therapy on your own, and can afford it, I would suggest a few sessions alone too.

Don't quit counseling too soon. Your husband may just need to learn how to fight. Many of us grow up thinking throwing out anything that will hurt the other person is how to win a fight. Of course winning isn't even the issue, and the hurting part is terrible. Think about why you married this man? Is this a rough patch or was it wrong all along. Give him a chance, but if you see he is not ready to change you do need to protect yourself and your child.

I would advise against having another baby now. Work on the here and now. The future will write itself.

It is time for some behavior modification. As you work on you, he must work on him. When he raises his voice, quietly let him know you will no longer accept him talking to you that way. You may need to pack up you and baby and leave. Apologies are nice but actions speak louder than words. It is time for action. He does not get to have access to you and be abusive in any way.
Perhaps a conversation with him letting him know how you feel and what you think. A new counselor perhaps can give him some hints and tips on how to improve. Why do things have to be your way? Just a question for the perfectionist in you. Winning or having everything your way isn't healthy either. Like I said as you work on you take actions that will put him in the position to work on him.

I know this was long but I pray it helps.

Abusive relationships are never good. He either needs to stop it or you walk away. Think of your son, he sees all of this. He'll grow up and think that it is normal to behave that way. If your counselling is not working find another councelor. Don't stay together over the kid thing. It's not healthy.

I'm no counselor, but I think you answered your own question....look at your fourth sentence........If we were without a child, I would have separated a long time ago.

I think that explains it all. I've always said it's better for parents to be apart and happy than together and unhappy. Your child will not benefit from having an abusive father around. Even if he's not abusive towards him, your son will learn that it's okay to treat women badly and in turn, may end up being an abuser.

If you separate, your ex will still be able to see your son and have a relationship with him.

Do NOT stay with him for another child. There are always other options.